Not long ago I posted on this blog my conclusion that the young woman I go on so much about no longer worked at the business that I still patronize.  Well, I saw her working there the other day.  She gave me what looked like, from underneath her mask, a beaming smile.   I could tell as much as I could tell about the nature of her smile from the look in her eyes.  I've patronized the business since then with an eye towards seeing her and interacting with her again, but with no luck.  I'm glad she didn't quit that job.  I just wish I could see more of her there or anywhere else.

So, last Saturday night/ Sunday morning I noticed a big wave of anxiety came over me in relation to that young woman.  My head became filled with speculation as to where she was coming from in relation to me at this point in time, to scenarios of the two of us out on the town and finding ourselves beset by ruffians, to the possibility that she will go off on tour with Guns 'n Roses after all.  I decided when I woke up Sunday that, no matter the nature of the deal between myself and this young woman, I would address this issue of anxiety head on, even if I manage to accomplish absolutely nothing else in the deal between myself and this young woman.

On Sunday I decided to try and cope with this anxiety using a technique I learned from Feeling Good by Doctor David Burns.  He recommends in one part that the reader buy a counter that the reader can use to tick off each time a disturbing thought appears in the reader's head.  The reader can then see how many of these types of thoughts they've counted off at the end of the day and record them. I discovered that nowadays they have free apps for one's phone that can count things such as this, so I downloaded one and did just that.  I set up a category for anxiety producing thoughts regarding this young woman, but also included a category for positive thoughts that came up in answer to all the anxiety producing thoughts.

On Sunday and Monday of this week I recorded  anxiety producing thoughts that numbered in the twenties and thirties on both days, and more positive, constructive thoughts that numbered a little less.  So far I've felt no need to tick off such thoughts today.  Last night, as I lay in bed, I thought to myself, "What if I just let this perceived opportunity with this young woman slip through my fingers?"  I interact with baristas at this one coffee shop I patronize on a fairly familiar basis.  I tried asking young women who worked at this same coffee shop on dates around ten years ago, and I always came up empty.  The last time I tried to ask a waitress out that I kind of knew while she worked, in 2019, it seemed as If I ran up against something women such as her consider kind of an occupational hazard.

That's not to say I would NEVER do anything along the lines of say, inviting this young woman to an open mike at the Posse East once that place opens up this Summer, but the nature of our interactions don't seem to allow for that level of comfort and familiarity.  I wrote that song, "Pardon Me Young Lady (But You've Double Parked Your Broom)," about her.  I practice it regularly, and I'd love to play it for her at an open mike.   But, maybe I'm a coward, or I just don't have the game to pick someone such as her up, but remember, I said that the ONE thing I would address this time on this particular deal with this young woman would be the anxiety that comes along with such a deal, and I have, and I will continue to concentrate on just that one thing.   

​Pardon Me Young Lady (But You’ve Double Parked Your Broom)

Strumming Pattern: Bv^, Bv^, or rather more like: v^, v^ for most of the song, but a bass note pick at the start of some new part, sometimes.

verse: 1st couplet, C, F, Am, G
           2nd couplet, F, C, Am, G, C

chorus: 1st couplet, G, F, Am, G
             2nd couplet, G, F, Am, G, C

bridge: both couplets, E7, A7, B7, E7

verse:
Early morning makin’ rounds
a steppin’ Texas guy
when I look over at Missy Miss
she’s givin’ hexin’ eye.
-
Her lids a flutter flutter
just then look away from me
when I head out to my car
it’s then and there that I do see

chorus:
Pardon me young lady
but you’ve double parked your broom
your hex eye it ain’t workin’
go on up and clean your room.
-
Time to seal up Satan’s Cave
close Dracula’s Tomb
Pardon me young lady
but you’ve double parked your broom.


verse:
You might see me as a dog
and you some old mean eyed cat
but I’m just too damn old to chase you
won’t be sucked into a spat.
-
you might see me as a dog
and you some old mean eyed cat
but I never seen a kitty
wear a pointy old black hat.

chorus:
Pardon me young lady
but you’ve double parked your broom
your hex eye it ain’t workin’
go on up and clean your room.
-
Time to seal up Satan’s Cave
close Dracula’s Tomb
pardon me young lady 
but you’ve double parked your broom.

bridge:
I might need to see a doctor
think I’ll find a waiting room
but in a magazine I’ll find you
a-ridin’ that old broom.
-
why you gotta be that way?
don’t call yourself a witch
I just think of you as sexy
that’s the truth to the last stitch.


verse:
Oh, you know I love ya’ baby 
now I’m not so bad a guy now
take that idol from your alter
take a stand and take a bow now.
-
No need for spells and blinkin’ eyes
you had me from day one
can’t quite put my finger on it
like a pot pie gettin’ done.

chorus:
Pardon me young lady
but you’ve double parked your broom
your hex eye it ain’t workin’ 
go on up and clean your room.
-
Time to seal up Satan’s Cave
close Dracula’s Tomb
pardon me young lady
but you’ve double parked your broom.

Richy Vegas 3/24/2021

I remember feeling very trapped and pressured by the situation with Sara in 1988.  Read blog entry, "I'm not bad," from January or February of 2016 to get up to speed on Sara.  When I delivered documents for my dad's practice in 1987, I  remembered one office that had a flyer for a group that would meet for counseling.  The flyer said that this particular set of patients would feel especially emotionally accessible due to their childhoods.  I think it had something to do with the absence of hardworking parents or something like that.  Anyway, I never looked up that group, but the flyer went on to say that such people often feel victimized due to this heightened emotional accessibility.  I read that flyer at the time I had a really bad time with Wanda, and I felt as if she had been taking advantage of me.

So, here's Sara in the Spring of 1988 in my Latin American Art History class, and she seems to want nothing better than to put me behind some kind of eight ball, emotionally speaking.  Sara seems to have had nothing better to do than to present me with this dilemma posed by so many elusive women in my life.  If I pursue them, will they run?  If I don't pursue  them, will I miss out on an opportunity?

So, like I said, I felt very trapped and pressured in this dilemma presented by Sara.  I remembered that flyer about how emotionally accessible people can often feel victimized in relationships, whatever "relationships" means, and I said to myself, "So what's so bad about coming off as accessible and available?"  My course of action, once I took it, made it clear to Sara that she could approach me should she wish to.

I learned through the course of action I did take with Sara that I didn't need to chase women like her to the ends of the Earth and back.  I could just come off as someone they could avail themselves of for any reason should they want to.  The cat and mouse game continued into the Summer of 1988, until I got really insulted one night when one of Sara's friends made it clear through her repeated coughing in a large painting studio at the school that I was to jump through hoops.  After taking this deal to a new place for me, and probably Sara, I ended Sara's access to me.   I snubbed Sara as I walked by her one time in the hall at the beginning of the Fall semester, 1988.  I kept it up that whole semester, during which I secured teacher recommendations for graduate school but did not attend classes because I'd graduated the previous Summer.

I've taken that lesson to heart ever since I decided to revive the Sara experiment in 2012.  Women will favor whomever they favor, and oftentimes it's just not me.  If I make myself available, approachable, and accessible enough over an extended period of time towards this or that woman in my world and nothing happens, there's a reason for such a nonevent that has nothing to do with whether my game is up to speed or whether I'm playing my cards right.  All I can really do involves coming off as friendly and approachable enough to satisfy my own standard of meeting that kind of expectation. 

In other news:  Tonight I found my brand new container of parmesan cheese in the pantry at the front of the shelf at eye level.  I said in the post yesterday that it looked as if the Invisible Woman was back at it in regards to pilfering shit such as my parmesan cheese and my Pogues CD.  "Gee, not to put any pressure on you, Rich, but now that you mention it..."  Also: Last night I wrote a draft of, "Pardon Me Young Lady (But You've Double Parked Your Broom)."  I decided to refrain from posting it, because I didn't want to offend anyone's religious beliefs.  Just call me Woke As Fuck Rich.  That's what the kids like today, for you to be woke as fuck.

I did photocopies of my latest book today.  Now all I have to do is lay it up in a book and take it to the printer. I'm also going to print a second edition of issue number 4, "Anita, You're the Reason I'm Not In Prison."  I drew a new cover for it and added about six pages to flesh out the story.

In other news: The Invisible Woman may be back in my life.  Last night I cooked spaghetti with meat sauce and couldn't find the brand new container of parmesan cheese that I bought not long ago.  I've had maintenance people in the apartment as well, but this has the MO of old Invis.   Plus, I wanted to play my Pogues CD, Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash, in my car as I drove around today, but I couldn't find it.

The last song I wrote about Invis was "Fuckface, Bloody Fuckface," in November of 2019.  The latest songs I"ve written about someone like that involved that young woman that I can go on and on and on about at great length.   I had a song idea about her titled, "Pardon Me, Young Lady, But You've Double Parked Your Broom," that I haven't written yet.  It's bad luck to talk about a song before one has written it, because one might jinx oneself and never get around to writing it.  Maybe I'll try to write some notes for it after I finish this blog entry.   I think I have some earlier notes I'll try to find first. Maybe Invis is jealous of this girl and wants me to write songs about HER again instead.  

"Fuckface, Bloody Fuckface," was a takeoff on the girls game Bloody Mary.  That's a game where juvenile girls on sleepovers stand in front of a mirror and chant, "Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary" over, and over, and over again.  The legend says that if they do it long enough, Bloody Mary will appear in the mirror.  "Fuckface, Bloody Fuckface," a song in waltz time, involves a game where I chant "Fuckface, Bloody Fuckface," in the mirror for a real long time in hopes of getting all of the shit she had someone pilfer from me back.  I guess I can add my parmesan cheese and the Pogues CD to that list.

A really good technique that a lot of self help books advise for readers involves the reader to pretend to give advice to a friend who found themselves in a similar situation or dilemma the reader finds themselves in. The idea behind such a tactic being that we can often help somebody we care about a lot better than we can help ourselves.

In my last post I talked about a former friend who regularly attracted these jealous, possessive women who acted as if they owned him shortly after dating him and giving him some sex.  I would advise such a girlfriend who regularly found herself consumed with rage over this guy's lack of willingness to commit to their plans for him that they need not date such a guy seriously.  They need not have an eye towards a long term committed relationship with this kind of person, but rather cut this kind of person loose after, like, a month of dating him (a month, my personal record for dating fuck anyone in my own personal history).

I would definitely advise a hypothetical girlfriend of, let's call him Bill, that they could stand to date around a bit with different types of guys who cut a different psychological profile than Bill.  The first place for, let's call her Heather, to look for someone markedly different than Bill would be the scrap heap of guys she normally would have nothing to do with.  I'm not talking about accepting guys that she would normally have nothing to do with on a romantic or sexual level necessarily, but rather just go out with someone she wouldn't normally consider for dinner or coffee or whatever.

In my own experiences, I've found it necessary to actually accept someone I wouldn't have given the time of day to in my twenties on  the level of at least going out with them once or twice, even if nothing else happens.  That way I can make important, useful comparisons between such a person and the type of person I can get so hung up on.  Heather, for example, could go out with, say, Paul, and in hindsight  make comparisons along the lines of "Paul returns my calls, generally acts respectful, is nice etc. while Bill has the natural charisma and looks I crave, but can be a bit of a scoundrel...  Gee, if I could just commit to dating around for a while and see if I can meet someone or someones with a combination of these two guys different qualities in some measure..." like that. 

I've been with some pretty attractive women.  Yeah, for a total of eleven times with all women, but nonetheless, some pretty attractive ones in that mix.  I can include one really good looking girl who aspired to femme fatale status, and in the tryin' could come of as a total asshole a good deal of the time.  I gave my "plans" for her a good rethinking in the Fall of 2012 when I remembered that she stated to me, during the Summer of 2011, a desire for me to paint her likeness into a painting I did years before that depicted a lot of women I had major problems with in the eighties and nineties.  I realized that I needed to take this statement of hers seriously, and no, she didn't make the cut.

I'm willing to bet that, should I find myself in a situation where one of these femme fatale types remained in play after like, two-plus years since they threw down the gauntlet -I'm speaking hypothetically of course- any talk by me of relationships and working things out on that level would just run them off for good.  The first woman I ever dated in 1985 had a history of bad boyfriends and overall neediness.  She didn't have a clue as to how to enjoy sex, either.  She had begun making changes in these areas when she included me in these changes. I dated her for a month.  Her idea, not mine.  Fast forward a few years later, and her girlfriends and just about everyone else couldn't stop talking about her insatiable appetite for fresh men and dick, dick, dick everywhere, all the while never having a serious boyfriend in that mix.  Good for her.  I heard she finally got herself a real boyfriend after she moved to the New York City area at about the same time I did in 1989.

I will try to briefly recap four experiences that I had that I find relevant today.  The first involves Sara in 1988.  I suspected right from the start that her initial flirtations towards me in Latin American Art History class came from an adversarial place.  Looking back, I've hypothesized that she attempted to right the wrongs I did towards Wanda- someone she'd never even met, something she just may have only heard about through a third party- by making a conquest of me and doing a takedown of me.  My demonstrated willingness to accept an outcome where Sara and I didn't get together, which walked hand in hand with my newfound ability to look out for her interests as well as mine, earned her trust to the point where I became the person deciding to call the whole thing off during the Summer of 1988.

By the Spring of 1990, I'd concluded that I'd made a big mistake in letting Sara go, and I tried to make up for it in my pursuit of Gwen at SVA in New York City.  On the one hand, I used to techniques of non-pursuit that I'd learned from my experiences with Sara, but on the other hand, I very much tried to work things out through my pursuit of Gwen.  This took a long time to resolve as a result.  I think I came across as the crazy, obsessive bad guy to a lot of the people at SVA as a result of my fixation on Gwen.  Right after Thanksgiving of 1990, I managed to communicate honorable intentions towards Gwen when I ran into her in the wood shop on a Friday night.  

The next week at the school saw my gesture towards Gwen spread through the school, but my anger at so many at the school came on display during the subsequent psychotic episode that accompanied the necessity for me to let go of Gwen.  In the Spring of 1991, Gwen displayed an interest in me during a school field trip to a play one night at Lincoln center.  She didn't come up and talk to me during the trip from the school to the theater, or in the lobby before the show, but she gave off a vibe with her friend that she would welcome any social overture from me.  I'd moved onto another fixation by then, because when one feels compelled to let go of someone such as Gwen because Gwen wishes it so, Gwen can stay let go of.  

When I returned to Austin after graduating from SVA.  I met Jenna through my roommate Davey.  The situation with Jenna turned adversarial after our initial passes at each other didn't take.  The stories about me and my past, especially the incident regarding Wanda, may have contributed to an effort put forth by one of her boyfriend's group of martial arts buddies to set up a beatdown of me.  I caught that vibe after I left a party at the house where these guys lived.  At Patrick's party a few weeks later, I, ahem. let it be known that I was onto all of that, Jenna soon broke up with that guy, and let me know she had an interest in me again.  

Jenna seemed to have a great desire to rush towards intimacy in the encounters I had with her, and this desire manifested itself in her behavior towards me through an attempt by her to get me to jump through hoops.  By this time, I just didn't do that kind of thing, ever.  The thing with Jenna was, there was always some other guy in the wings she would soon hook up with after I rebuffed her in these encounters where she wanted me to jump through said hoops.  My desire to make things right in my pursuits of such women post-Sara, coupled with Jenna's tendency to be this way, helped me along in my descent into madness during the Summer of 1992.

In the run up to Halloween, 1996, I tried to talk to Snolly at a party.  she stood with a female coworker as I approached.  Just as I walked up, Snolly walked off.  True, we'd had a little bit of history when I worked at the restaurant where she and this coworker still waited tables, but I still felt slighted.  That night, at a gathering at an old campus area house rented by several male employees of that restaurant, I confronted James about an accusation he'd make to me during a blackout I'd had at James' and Zac's house.  I said that James had insulted my honor when he drunkenly accused me of raping a girl I'd met one night at the Cannibal Club in August of 1989.  I go into THAT story at length in my current series of comic books, so I won't bother here.  But I will say that a willingness to do a FOURTEEN ISSUE telling of my side of the Cannibal Club story, each issue painstakingly written and then illustrated by me and me alone, at exactly eighty pages per issue, would likely indicate that I didn't rape that girl I met at the Cannibal Club on that night in 1989.

Well , by the time I had a chance to finally talk to Snolly at a Halloween party the following year, 1997, I had the feeling that I'd thwarted another attempt to take me down instigated by this manager named Lane and Snolly her own bad self.  I give Snolly credit for just giving me an opportunity to talk to her a little, one on one, at that party.  The brief, small-talk oriented conversation may have had no real breathing room due to the eight hundred pound gorilla of her and Lane''s making that invisibly sat in the corner of the little snack room we both found ourselves alone in.  I walked to the Fiesta Mart to get cigarettes soon after, and when I returned, Snolly had left.  I'm sure my head was in a place of just playing it cool as I talked to her, and when I left to get cigarettes, I probably just figured that I'd catch her down the road soon enough.  I think Snolly moved out of town at some point after that, because I never saw her again.

My point is this: I'M  the one with these experiences of people coming at me in a very adversarial manner.  I'M the one with a viable frame of reference to draw on if such a situation rears its head again.  I'm pretty confident that I speak the truth on this matter.  People would do well to defer to me as to what constitutes an acceptable outcome of such a situation, should I find myself in such a situation again.  If I want to come off like a bitchy little baby about the whole thing, that might turn out for the best.  I find myself in a situation now where I would gladly accept the outcome of the Snolly story way way over the outcomes involving Jenna or Gwen.  The only other outcome like the Snolly outcome of those I mentioned is the one involving Sara.  Those two outcomes are the ones I will play to in the situation I find myself in now.

The thing that helped my morale last night as I lay in bed thinking about stuff follows thusly.  I had a friend who regularly attracted needy women who would routinely feel as is they owned him after a little sex and maybe two weeks of dating, if that.  The thing is, he just accepted this bullshit as the normal course of things with such women, and these women accepted their insane jealously over this louse as the normal set of behaviors they would engage in.  I think people can just take on familiar roles that they don't reexamine at all if the same situations keep coming up again as they go through the dating world.  They get so caught up in the bummer aspect of the same deal with the same kind of person that keeps coming up over and over and over again that they just don't give themselves time to stop and think about what they do to contribute to the dysfunction of the whole deal.  

As far as I can tell, I'm the only person between myself and someone such as this young woman that I can go on and on about at length that can actually change things up as far as how I think about this kind of situation, and what I do about this kind of situation, and as far as I can tell, I have dramatically changed up my end of things since those days when I was more her age than mine.  So, a little sadness and melancholy at first, sure, but enough of that already.  I did good on this one, and I can do good if things go on any further than they have.

  

My post yesterday brought up that young woman's controlling behavior and how a fear of rejection might motivate it.  For those less experienced out there, I want to make one point clear.  People exist in the world who desire for a person to desire them but who have no desire to reciprocate.  I think that explains actions such as the flirty looks she gave and the hex eye she threw me one time. Her interests in me lay more in the area of conquest rather than in a mutually beneficial relationship.  Nonetheless, such a person can find an experience where their machinations and manipulations don't pay off like they expected a very unsettling experience indeed.

They can even have an experience similar to the experience the John Malkovich character has in Dangerous Liaisons.  In Dangerous Liaisons John Malkovich seeks to make a base sexual conquest of Michelle Pfeiffer and falls in love with her in the very act of doing just that.  Spoiler alert: things don't end well for either of them.  I'm not saying that this young woman I can go on and on about has fallen in love with me, but I will say that I'm not much interested in dating this person at this point in time.  I promised I'd be nice to her if she reached out to me somehow, and I'll try to make good on that.

Her friends can stop acting on her behalf at the coffee shops I go to, if such a thing even goes on.  These minor flirtations and gestures that may attempt to speak for her or otherwise comment on things would just constitute flogging a dead horse at this juncture moving forward.  It's time to put up or shut up.  This young woman stirred up a very volatile mixture with her shenanigans, or rather, it would have made for a volatile mixture, had I "cooperated" in the least from the very beginning until today.

About thirteen months ago, before the shit hit the fan with the pandemic, I shopped at that business where that young woman used to work.  As I made my way around, I looked over at her and caught her giving me some sort of hoodoo hex eye.  I wish I'd seen it full on, because she looked so good even while doing something as goofy as that.  I've thought out loud recently that friends of hers populate my world, primarily in the coffee shops I go to, and I wonder aloud about whether they seek to influence me with minor interactions.

These, plus more unsavory things I won't go into, indicate to me someone engaging in controlling behavior.  Today I came to the conclusion that such behavior, in this context, displays a fear of rejection on her part.  She never once tried to talk to me, but flirtatious looks that sought to compel my attention in some way would crop up from time to time.

I remember a young woman who used to work at a pizza place on the drag that I wold patronize.  I would go in there the same time of day and see her frequently.  She almost always talked to me, and we got somewhat friendly.  Anyway, she invited me to go hang out with her at her favorite tavern, but I told her I didn't drink.  She acted shot down, but we remained friendly.  She did not have an irrational, exaggerated fear of rejection.

If this person, or these friends, wanted to reach out to me in a genuine way, I promise I will try to be nice about it.  Rejection can suck, but I find it better to build up sort of a thick skin about such things than have a giant fear of them.  On the other hand, this young woman can read this and say, "Geez, the only thing that has compelled my attention to this guy this long comes from a fear of rejection?  I outta here!"  I would accept that decision as well. 

Yesterday at a coffee shop I saw another one of those young, very attractive women whose slender body type and height reminded me of that young woman I can go on so much about.  She seemed to want to get my attention.  As I left, she backed up to look at the menu board, and appeared to almost fall backwards off of a step.  I thought about it later and entertained the idea that this young woman wanted to tell me something about my tarnished love interest.  I feel as if this young woman at the coffee shop touched on the idea of seeing a bigger picture that she attempted to illustrate in her pantomime.

Well, if this constitutes how I must communicate with this young woman whom I can go on so much about, well okay.  The thought of actually going on a date with this person kind of bums me out now.  I felt as if I managed to avoid having her visit some hurtful behaviors on me these past couple of months.  I feel as if these behaviors could have had something to do with a discriminatory way of treating me through cruel rejection games that I touched on in my post, "Romantic love is not my religion."  The behaviors I speak of indicate a weird feminine version of the madonna/ whore complex that supposedly hangs up some men.  Call it the winner/ loser complex.

So, I'm such a genius that I don't even get to see this person for a one on one talk, eh?  Well then, I would advise this person to stop placing the men in her world in a hierarchy, where one man she thinks highly of gets treated so much better than another she thinks lowly of.  I would advise a more spiritual approach to how this young woman treats people in general.  I know it can prove very hard to do, but it beats the alternative.  Is that all?  Will her friends have anymore messages for me? 

I think my deal with that young woman whom I can go on and on about for such a long time ended recently.  I don't see her at her job at the times I knew to work there.  She might not work there anymore.  I think we're done.  I spent like an hour and a half on the phone with technical support today in a futile effort to connect my smart TV to my Wifi.  One good thing that came out of that ordeal consisted of some sage advice I gave myself: don't try to rebound now.

I remember especially well the time I had my gran mal breakdown in 1992, went to the psychiatric hospital, got on medication, and got out after ten days.  I felt better  than I had in a long time, but I really wanted to try to get a girlfriend to help me get over the experience I'd just had. As the weeks went by on the outside, I tried to connect with people using themes and narratives I'd experienced while I suffered in the days and weeks before my hospitalization.  People didn't seem to relate to what I talked about in the way I thought they would.  I could feel my views on things begin to erode away from me.  In September sometime I called my friend Sam at 1 a.m. on Saturday night/ Sunday morning and I had a question for him.  I asked him if I'd been hired by my former martial arts teacher to kill Billy Billiams.  Sam categorically denied any knowledge of my inquiry, said I was delusional, and we hung up.  About an hour later, at 2 a.m., the phone rings and it's my mother.  She is beside herself about the plot to kill Billy.

That night marked the beginning of a severe depression that matched in intensity my psychosis of the previous Summer.  I finally quit my factory job in December and went out to my Dad's in Big Spring, and a few days after my arrival, I checked into the hospital out there.  I remember that time leading up to the second hospitalization as one where I really wanted to connect romantically with a woman.  I really, really wanted to rebound, but that proved unrealistic.

I just spent over two years dealing with an ongoing, markedly adversarial situation with that young woman who, I guess, might not work at that business anymore, and the last thing I want to do is meet someone or go out on dates.  I especially have no desire to try and take any steps to bring about a dating situation for myself.  My tit went through the wringer big time over the last couple of years, and I'm just tired.  I think I did a really good job with this one, and I feel no need to rebound as of today.  I've talked about what my goals are for dating; a variety of dating experiences with a variety of women.  I've also talked about my three primary standards for a woman to go on at least one date with me; 1) available, 2) interested, and 3) acts like she gives a shit about taking care of herself.  All of that remains for another day.