I've decided to refrain from patronizing that business that the young woman I go on about at length works at during the times I've known her to work there.  I want my intention to let her go to manifest itself in an explicit, material way.  I've been thinking at length today about this young woman, along with the women from my past she readily reminds me of, and I've come to several conclusions.  One: the decisions I typically make about women such as her typically have nothing whatsoever to do with whether or not I want to date them, have sex with them, have a relationship with them, or anything like that.  The decisions I have to make about  women such as her have more to do with whether I even want to approach them socially in the first place, so forget about those big decisions, they aren't even on the table at the stage where I have to make a really, really critical decision about whether or not to have anything at all to do with them in the first place.  Two: the intelligent decision invariably seems to turn out to be the decision to not have anything to do with them in the first place.  Three: I can like someone such as this young woman a LOT, and have absolutely no desire to try to get anything going at all with them when push comes to shove.  

It seems to me that young women such as this one I go on at length about just have a desire to cultivate one-sided attention from me towards them.  Well, I can absolutely adore the ground someone such as this young woman walks on and STILL, STILL, have absolutely ZERO DESIRE to bombard them with one-sided attention.  Not only can I have no desire to bombard them with one-sided attention, but I've actually taught myself how to have the ability to refrain from bombarding them with one-sided attention.  That makes me very happy.

In high school I fixated, hard, on one of my classmates and got myself worked up into a very, very distressed state about the whole matter.   Eventually, a senior girl in one of my art classes took an interest in me, and I went chasing after her and forgot all about the other girl.  BUT, my creepy, obsessive behaviors did not end.  I started doing things to the senior girl such as calling her house at 2 AM and hanging up when she or someone else answered.  So, the lesson I've learned from that entails the realization that there is no right person for me if I'm not right with myself.

Now, these days, these situations I've find myself in with twenty, twenty-one year old girls at the business this young woman works at don't just constitute useless appendages to my day to day life that I just wish I could cut off and be done with, not at all.  A couple of months ago I talked about a young woman I call Daria who gave me her email address right before this pandemic shit hit the fan.  Well, the same degree of self-restraint and self-control that I try to exhibit in how I handle these situations with these women at this one particular business-the business where this young woman I go on about works- that same degree of self-control absolutely spills over into how I relate to the Darias of this world.  So, as attracted as I may be to someone such as Daria, I still have no desire to bombard them with phone calls, emails, text-messages, messages on social media, or anything else, and I can follow through on that.

Maybe these blog posts ARE the one-sided attention these young women so very much seem to covet from me.  I may be old-fashioned and think that truly one-sided attention involves an effort to directly connect with someone through a personal phone call, or text, or email, or some such, so I don't worry too much about these blog posts in and of themselves compromising my best interests, or their best interests, as long as I obey the Thou Shalt Not Disrespect the Power of the Internet commandment. 

I've pretty much decided to not use that girl's likeness as the face of my main female character in my Van Helsing story.  I've also decided to not use another woman's likeness for the face of one of the main antagonists.  I think I'll model these character's likenesses after old movie stars from the Golden Age of Hollywood cinema instead.  

Josh Bayer said in a review of one of my books that he suspected that I was a self-taught cartoonist.  I resist labels such as "self-taught," because I believe all of us learn from someone or something, even if not in an academic, tutorial, or apprentice setting.  I've read some books on cartooning that my parents gave me as a kid, that I've checked out at the library, or that I've bought in recent years.  Plus, I've made friends with people who've taught me stuff, so I count peer exchanges of information as being taught as well.

But, I've learned some lessons the hard way, I'm afraid.  In 1999 I completed the first issue of Richy Vegas Comics.  In that issue I drew some people who antagonized me in real life as victims of my version of the Whitman Massacre.  They seemed to not take that well at all after I sent one of them a copy of my book, and so a whispering campaign may have begun in the succeeding years.

It took the self-publication and distribution of issue four, "Anita, You're the Reason I'm Not In Prison," where I tell my side of the story of the incident that upset me so much in the first place that involved these people; it took that to put the kibosh on their shit.  So, I will apply the lessons I've learned from that episode, and not use these women's likenesses as the likenesses of fictional characters in my book.  You can do anything you want with comics!

I portray real life women such as Michelle, Robin, and Jenna using my best memories of what they looked like back then.  I make no attempt to alter their appearance, even if I sometimes give them a pseudonym.   I count on factors such as the fact that the stories take place so long ago, and my low overall profile in my chosen field of expression (self-published indie comics) to keep me out of trouble with all of the real life people I portray in general and the above mentioned women in particular.

If, by chance, a Robin, or Jenna, or Michelle from my stories objected to my efforts to lay some issues bare in the telling of these stories and wanted some sort of compensation, my options would prove limited.  I don't make any money off of these books, in fact, they cost me money to print up and sell at an overall loss.  Add the fact that my sales in a given year typically number in the several dozens at best, and one might get the idea of where I"m coming from as far as monetary compensation for these women.

But, I do have the original artwork that portrays Michelle, Robin, and Jenna in these comics almost completely intact, and I could give them some drawings to do with what they wish.  If they wanted to print up t-shirts or other merchandise from the art, I would want a piece of that action, and I would try to get that kind of thing in legal writing at my own expense from an entertainment lawyer.  The drawings themselves are non-archival, I'm afraid, but I would pay a lawyer to inform me of my rights in the event that someone such as the above mentioned women could sell the drawings to someone else.  I'm in no hurry to tell any of the women, or men, for that matter, that I portray in the these books of their existence in the world, but if more substantial sales, possibly a publishing deal, and thus a higher profile came about, that could all change.  "Money changes everything," as Cyndi Lauper once sang.

I mention these points because last night and today I experienced a cascade of ideas that would help me flesh out the Dr. Van Helsing story that I mentioned a few weeks back on this blog.  I still have at least eight books to complete before I'd even have the chance to work on a three or four book run of that story, but if my recent past productivity indicates future prospects, I could get to that story in four years or less.  We live in a crazy world, and I'm a crazy guy, but I can think of someone such as Robert Caro as an example of someone planning out decades of literary work for himself.  In his case, it's his biographical series of books on Lyndon Johnson that he probably first pitched soon after Johnson's death in the early seventies and finds himself still working on to this day.

Okay, back to Van Helsing. In my post of a few weeks back, I mentioned a young woman I still go on about as a physical model for the female lead character.  Now, I think she still works at this business I patronize, but I don't want to go in there when I think she might work there because I don't want anyone getting any wrong ideas about my intentions towards her.  I've pretty much accepted that she made whatever decisions in her life she made a long time ago, and that those decisions don't involve me.  I also know that my old ways of trying to get with one such as her don't work.  Those old ways involve, in no particular order: chasing her to the ends of the Earth and back, trying to be a great guy and make everything work out all by myself, trying to win her over, or carrying a torch for her.  I still think of her, of course, but, even in these times of pandemic, I try to approach other women for social reasons in some capacity.  So, to the extent that I still carry a  torch for her, I don't attempt to forsake all others on her account.

Okay, back to the Van Helsing story.  I could see giving her some original art in exchange for her blessing on the project.  There exists many, many examples of the artist/ muse relationship that never involved personal... anything between them.  Andrew Wyeth and his go-to model come to mind, and I get the impression that Botticelli never had intimate relations with his Venus on the half shell muse.  Now, in New York in the early nineties, I saw some photographs by an outsider artist, a baker by trade, that depicted his wife on a throne dressed up in regal garb of his and/or her making.  In the gallery brochure, the critic John Yau described his wife's participation in these photo shoots as an active, equal artistic collaboration with her husband the photographer, rather than the typical connotation of the photographer as the creative force, and the model as a passive muse.

Again, I've no interest in approaching this young woman for such a project.  I'd probably lock horns with her over the character that has her likeness- sympathetic though that character may be in the story.  Also, I can't guarantee that I will even get around to this project after all that books I have to complete beforehand, but, there it is anyway.  If, by some chance I were to make the social acquaintance of this young woman, and she found the whole project okay with her, she could perhaps provide meaningful reference for costuming of the period (early 20th century Amsterdam) for her character, plus other reference of things she could research online or elsewhere.  Then again, maybe not.  She doesn't have to be my girlfriend for any of that to happen, and I could compensate her with original drawings.  Okay?    

I decided to quit smoking in the wake of the September 11th attacks.  As the aftermath of those attacks wore on, I realized that all my smoking, drinking, and drug use represented not very constructive ways of coping with loneliness.  I decided to refrain from drinking and pot smoking on the nights I had to myself in my apartment, and my success at those efforts gave me the confidence to take a stab at quitting smoking. 

In the months that followed, talk flowed freely about the prospect of more terrorist attacks against the United States, including the prospect of a nuclear terrorist attack.  I relapsed on the cigarette smoking after about two months of successfully quitting in my initial effort to stop smoking over the prospect of a nuclear terrorist attack.  But, somewhere along the way, I said to myself, "What if it really is about quitting smoking and trying to take better care of myself over all?  Suppose I continue to smoke two packs or more a day and never get blown up by a terrorist's bomb?  I'd feel like a real asshole then."  Well, it's been eighteen years since I last had a cigarette, and I personally have not been subjected to a terrorist attack of any kind.  That's not to say terrorist attacks are not a real threat, but in my case, if I'd continued smoking like I was, I'd either be dead by now or wish I were dead from all the damage to my health such an addiction could do in eighteen years.

I thought about all of that today after I read about mad King Donald and his days of rage and denial as this pandemic churns along unmitigated by any meaningful leadership from him.  I decided to black out the news until ten o'clock tonight and just try to control the five percent of my world I can control until then.  I just went for a long walk, and I feel better.  That's not to say Trump won't try something crazy on all kinds of levels, but I'm not going to stop taking care of myself just at the prospect of that kind of thing.  I made  a bet with myself that I would buy myself an inexpensive present on January 20th, 2021, if Donald Trump is really gone by then.  If, for some crazy reason, he's still President after his expiration date, I will buy myself a piece of cake at the grocery store.  I've lost forty pounds since late December, 2018 and I've lost twenty-five pounds since this pandemic period began.  What if it really is about taking care of myself in those kinds of ways, rather than worrying all the time about what Trump might do?

Speaking of taking care of myself, I'm not patronizing that business at the times that young  woman might work there, for the most part.  I saw her in there the other day.  Before I saw her, I thought she'd quit.  I don't want to give her or anyone else the impression that I'm trying to get with her in any way.  I don't want anyone thinking I'm trying to win her over, or that I'm carrying a torch for her.  I'm sending a woman I've never met one of my books in the mail, because I ordered her comic book from her, read it, and liked it.  I only mention that because I count that kind of thing as more of an effort to connect with someone who is not this person I go on about than I have ever tried to connect with this person I go on about.