My last post brought up the idea that I'm still in conflict with someone from a long time ago.  The long time ago was the late 1980's to the mid- 1990's.  Back when my mental illness went untreated, I would have run-ins with women on a pretty regular basis.  There seems to be someone from that era who still has issues with me.  This person seems to want to persist in this conflict for the purposes of revenge, justice, righteous karma, take your pick.

In my last post I compared this person to a Japanese soldier in the jungles of the Philippines who did not realize that World War II was over, and that surrender would not result in their execution by the now-defunct Empire of Japan.  There's a key difference between this woman and those lone Japanese soldiers, though.  She seems to have the ability to enlist allies to her cause from time to time.

To my way of seeing things, it's these people who really need to be taken out and flogged.  It's bad enough that this woman feels that I deliberately inflicted pain on her that still haunts her somehow.  But the thought that these people, who seem to include her ex-husband, his daughter, the former female director of a local art space, a former female employee of a food service business that I until very recently used to patronize, a current female employee of the same business, a very old man who should know better, and quite possibly, the real deal celebrity that I call the Invisible Woman, and possibly many other witnesses and bystanders and "well-wishers," if that is a proper term for these people, all these people seem feel inspired to act on her behalf to inflict bodily harm upon me, as well as emotional harm upon me, all for an effort that they all seem to believe will somehow magically take this woman's pain away with my downfall.

I mean, this woman better attribute a great deal of emotional pain to my actions or gestures towards her, if she and all of these others are really willing to go to all of this trouble to, repeatedly, over the years, attempt to do these vicious takedowns of me.  The thought that maybe she just wants to strike a blow on behalf of women everywhere, and is able enlist these allies to just that kind of a cause, well, I'm assuming that she's gone through a greater ordeal of personal pain than that implies, and I'll proceed from there.

Yeah, these people who've tried to "help" her over the years really suck.  If my going down somehow would help her, hell, I might be willing to do that on my own somehow.  But, has any of these people thought to maybe reach out to me and talk to me?  Has anyone maybe thought that might be a more grownup solution to a grown up problem?  Well, no one has done that, and I guess it's up to me to initiate this process.  I will see her ex-husband at a gathering later this year, probably.  That would be a good time for him and others to talk to me.  But, there's a contact page on this website if anyone wants to start this process sooner than that.

I mean, I'm sorry.  I never intended to hurt this woman, never.  But, know this people, I"m the first person to my knowledge, to try and start a meaningful dialogue over incidents that occurred decades ago. Give me some fucking credit for that.  And if her ex-husband doesn't want to act until this gathering later this year, okay.  But if I get the sense that people just want me to kiss their ass and have me tell them how great they are, then I will pick up on that and not really have much inclination to move forward.  If this woman just wants to feud and put hell hounds on my trail until I go down somehow, then I'll know her hate has fully replaced her pain, and I will take the necessary precautions to take care of myself.   

Asshole or assholes, depending on whom exactly I'm addressing.   Have you thought about a Russian or other Eastern European type?  That'd be different.  I've never had to fuck with any Russian or Eastern European women.  Well, one of my most painful losing memories concerned someone from that background, but that's ancient history.  But, then again, ancient history might be a subject of great interest to you, depending on whom exactly I'm dealing with.  Okay, Russians. Try a Russian next time.  I mean someone who maybe got a green card when they agreed to marry an American guy and move over here.  But then, once the card was in their hand, they decided to run, run, run, like the wind.  You know, that classic story.  Not just someone who's ancestors immigrated from Russia or anything like that.  That's just another White woman to me.  Feh!

Maybe it would help, asshole, to see yourself in a whole new light.  Maybe it would help you to see yourself as like those Japanese soldiers who hid out in the jungles of the Philippines for, like, thirty-plus years after the end of World War II.  Because that's kind of how I see you, asshole.  The war was over a long time ago for me, but you just seem to want to keep on fighting.  How glamorous!






  

Whomever's throwing up these asshole women to mix it up with me might not want to go with the White women anymore.  The problem the White women seem to have, well, one glaring problem they have anyway, is that, sure, they can dish it out alright, but they can't seem to take it.  "'Whah, whah, whah!'  Miss Grumpy, he knows how to fight back!  'Whah, whah, whah!'  I don't want to play anymore!  I want my mommy!  'Whah, whah, whah!'"

Like I said.  Whomever's throwing up dese bums might want to book a Latina for their next jive-ass gig.  All Asian women ever do is roll their eyes when I look at them, and Black women, for the most part, seem to have better things to do than fuck with the likes of me.  So I recommend this person throw me a Latina.  They got some fucking game, those Latinas.

Now, the problem this person or persons is going to have with throwing up a Latina at me, is that Latinas are like my own personal briar patch.  You know, Brere Rabbit finally gets nabbed by Brere Fox?  Brere Rabbit pleads with Brere Fox, "Oh Brere Fox.  You can boil me in a pot an eat me!  You can skin and tan my hide!  But, please, Brere Fox, I plead with you!  Whatever you do, pleeease don't throw me in the Briar Patch!"  And we know the rest,  Yes, douchbag, I was born and raised in the fucking briar patch.  Now go fuck yourself. 

This lyric is one of my favorites from the song, "Picture On My Wall," off of my album, Self Portrait of Me.  Now, before I turn everyone on to this lyric, let me explain the title of the album, Self Portrait of Me.   It's a redundancy, because a self-portrait is, by definition, a portrait of the artist rendering it.  Thus, the redundancy, Self Portrait of Me, is a kind of joke.  Now, onto the lyric from that great Richy Vegas composition, 'Picture on My Wall:" "Cindy did some runway/ and she had an attitude/ she used to serve me coffee/ and to me she was quite rude/ I'd had enough of her/ and with her I didn't start/ she had a thousand dollar body/ wrapped around a ten cent heart."  

Now the chorus, or refrain, if one prefers, refers to the calendars I habitually buy that feature female models in bathing suits, lingerie, or some such items of clothing that only serve to somehow enhance their comely physical charms.  The refrain, which follows the verse above, goes like this, "Oh your stand-ins in my world/ don't serve you well at all/ and I bet I'm better off/ when you're a picture on my wall."

Now, one might say, "Richy Vegas, that song speaks to me.  It seems to cut to an essential truth in life.  Namely, that models are basically a bunch of assholes, when one comes right down to it.  Where, oh where, Richy Vegas, may I listen to this song?"  Well, funny you should mention that, because one may listen  to this and other songs on my bandcamp.com page.  One may access my bandcamp.com page from this very website.  Just click on the heading "music" right under the picture of "Monica" on this very page.  Go on, big boy, just move your eyes up a few inches from these words and click on the music link.  Once there, one will find the album cover art for that great Richy Vegas album, Self Portrait of Me, as well as a link that reads "Buy it here on band camp."  See, on bandcamp.com, one may typically listen to a complete album up to THREE whole times before they decide that they want to PURCHASE it on bandcamp.com.  Can you dig it?   

I've talked about this deal in previous posts.  The Unavailable Woman deal breaks down as follows:  I bend over backwards trying to accommodate the notion of a woman I have an attraction to; a notion that resides somewhere in or on my being; whether in my heart, in my head, or under my skin- one may take their pick.  I bend over backwards trying to accommodate this notion of this person in my life and I try to come up with a resolution to the inherent conflicts involved that results in a mutually beneficial outcome for myself, the object of my desire, as well as all those around us.  And, in exchange for my efforts, the other party gets to do what ever the hell they want.  As I've said about someone in a post in 2016, and again in regards to the Invisible Woman in 2017 and the first part of 2018, there is something about this deal the other party seems to like.  I can't quite put my finger on why the other party likes this deal so much.  To each his or her own, I guess.

Anyway, I just had to get that one off my chest.  I first started signing on for these kinds of deals in my youth.  It's only in the fullness of my years that I realize what the hell it is I'm doing when I do this.  Realizing that I sign on for these deals, unwittingly, these days  prevents me from experiencing the pain levels that I experienced in my youth.

For those readers that need bringing up to speed, I will try to summarize the past few days of my life.  On Friday morning I made the rounds at some of my usual haunts after I dropped my dad off at his job.  I went to one food service place, and I felt that an attractive young woman who worked there treated me very rudely.  I was, and still am, somewhat fond of this person from time to time, and I experienced quite a shock at this treatment.

Now, in the past, when I felt like I needed to negotiate myself a better deal than the one I've outlined at the beginning of this blog post, I would think about my next move.  I think I might try to not patronize this particular business for the foreseeable future.  I know, I know, talk is cheap.  Actions speak louder than words.  "Put your money where  your mouth is, Rich, etc. etc."  We shall see.  Shan't we?

I basically don't want this person to EVER talk to me or treat me that way, EVER again.  The ideal solution would involve me NEVER setting foot in this particular establishment again.  Something about walking myself through the door of this business seemed to make this person feel as if they were entitled to treat me in as shabby a manner as they saw fit.  If I NEVER, EVER go into this establishment again, this particular employee will NEVER, EVER have the opportunity to visit that kind put down on me EVER again.   At least, that is, in the context of this setting at this particular food service establishment.  Again, we shall see.  

Now, notice I said that refraining from patronizing this business should prevent this person from EVER treating me in such a shabby manner IN THE CONTEXT of the setting of this particular business.  She still has a chance to shit on me further if I encounter her in the whole rest of  the world, I guess.  Think about it.  If I saw her somewhere in the whole rest of the world, keeping in mind that it could be anywhere from three days from now, two weeks from now, or two years from now, I could just forget all of what I spoke of up to now and decide that I'm really glad to see her.  So, I guess that'll be her shot at shitting on me in a major way, again.  So be it.  If it is my true, unwavering destiny for this young woman to shit on me in a major way somewhere on the confines of our planet Earth, than my only option would involve a residency on a space station for a while.  At least until all of this blows over.

I've talked about this before.  If someone really wants to hurt a person somehow, there's really nothing to stop them.  Is there?  All I can do is take some measures to take care of myself, but if a person really dislikes me and they want to hurt me, they can find a way to do it.  That's just something everyone in the world has to live with.  The cops tell people to just not have any enemies, and that's pretty good advice.  I guess that's what I'm going for by refraining from patronizing this particular business.   

A couple of posts ago I wrote about an attractive young woman at a food service place I patronize who came across as rude and abrupt in an interaction I had with her yesterday morning.  Without elaborating, I now conclude that she was not trying to deliberately hurt me or anything like that.  I maintain that I try not to pursue unavailable woman, and so it goes with her.

In the last post I wrote about how my most flexible personal expense is my discretionary spending on things such as restaurant meals and coffee shops.  I find the best way to get spending in this area under control is to string together some days where I don't go into those places.  If things work out, days turn into weeks, and I manage to not spend as much money as usual on stuff like that, and I can direct some money to pay off my credit card or pay for other things.  I'm going to see if I can do that.

I hope to turn my latest book into the printer by later next week.  I will charge it to my credit card.  I managed to pay my last book charge off in full, because I really managed to cut back on how frequently I patronized the food service businesses that I can find myself making the rounds at over the course of some days and weeks.  

I also hope to make a trip out of town soon, so I will have to pay for that as well.  I hope to take some trips to New York and the DC area in 2019 as part of the comic book thing.  I have no choice but to put all of this on my credit card and pay it off in sizable monthly payments.  If I have any say in this process, I will not be patronizing the food service businesses with the frequency that I usually patronize them.  We'll see.

In 2010 I worked a strange job that didn't have a lot of hours and was very easy to do.  The company occupied office space in Northwest Austin.  From time to time attractive college age women would work the same job I did for a spell, and then move on.  Of course, I had some run-ins with some of these women, but I never got sacked for these run-ins.  

Anyhoo, in 2010 a girl named Lauren, a recent graduate of Texas A&M, worked there in the Spring.  She was attractive and really nice.  It seemed as if she was single the whole time.  Maybe she just casually dated around, but didn't have a serious boyfriend.  We hit if off in conversations, and I remember another girl raising her eyes and smiling at Lauren when I  talked about someone I'd dated a little and a little while back.

In like April or May of that year, she made plans to go to law school at Baylor in Waco (law schools will typically start in late Spring, as opposed to  the Fall).  On her last day of work, as our undemanding three hour shift ended for the day, we all started to leave.  I looked at Lauren as I left, she slowed her walk, and she looked worried or concerned or something.  I took it to mean that she might have wanted me to reach out to her socially.  I just muttered, "See ya'," or some such, and scampered out.  

Looking back over the years, I often rationalized my inaction by telling myself that she should have demonstrated more interest in me, but that's bullshit.  She was the type that would be very much in demand in the dating world, and I'm sure plenty of men reached out to her in a way she liked based on a level of interaction with her that I had, or with even less affirmation that she liked them.

But, you know what?  Since the days of Celeste in 1999 (another one that got away, in my book), My missed opportunity with Lauren is the only one I wish I had back.  So that makes ONE missed opportunity in the last nineteen years that I wish I had back.  That says a couple of things.  One, that I don't get many opportunities with women of Lauren's calibre, period, and two, that I've taken advantage of whatever other opportunities I've had that I really wanted to take advantage of.

This morning, I went to one of the food service businesses that I patronize, and one of the young woman seemed to be curt with me to the point of almost coming off as rude.  She is very attractive, very nice, and someone who comes off as ideal in the way that women like her come off as ideal when they are locked down with a serious boyfriend.  So yeah, I know her as someone who has a serious boyfriend.  Oh, and she seems very intelligent.  Did I mention that?  Good.

I don't know why she was the way she was with me.  It might not have anything at all to do with me.  I try not to be too egocentric about this stuff.  I've tried to keep her at arm's length in the time of our acquaintance- not arm's length to keep her from getting close to me, but rather arm's length to keep me from trying to get too close to her. Okay? I have enough experience to know that the whole, "Gee, she seems perfect, if only she were single, she'd surely go for me," has not worked out for me in that way when these ideal-seeming women become single.

So, maybe, she sees me as trying to get too close to her, or maybe she's not with her boyfriend anymore, and she's feeling insecure to the point of being bitchy to me.  Or, maybe I'm making a big issue out of nothing that doesn't even have anything to do with me.

The only possibility I care about is that she's now single, or single enough, and the whole eternal question arises, "What are you going to do about it, Rich?"  To which I reply: that rude, shitty treatment of me might be something she's seen in bullshit romantic comedies, but I don't play that.  If I just let this one slip through my fingers because I'm missing some signal, that will make for only TWO missed opportunities in the last nineteen years, which I can live with.  

I've got four more pages of my book to finish.  I will try to finish the cover and the layup before the end of the month so that I may start on the next book at the beginning of November.  I'm going balls out on the production, and that means that I will have to force myself to make more time for music in the face of this obsessive productivity on my books.

A couple of weeks ago I ate a meal in a diner type restaurant.  I sat next to a party of three young men and a young woman.  They started talking about an animated movie that featured, in some way, Dante's circles of Hell.  As they talked about this subject, i realized that they were in no way attempting to "talk about" me at all.  It wasn't that I didn't care whether they were talking about me or not, it's that I knew they were just trying to have a conversation amongst themselves.

In the days when my mental illness went untreated, I would often try to connect my focus on a female love interest with the people I encountered in my world on a daily basis.  So, that means I would try to find some sort of connection between what these young people were talking about, in this case Dante's Inferno, and my situation with my love interest.  Now, it would most often become a question of whether I was really in control of this line of dissociative thinking, or whether this dissociative line of thought controlled me.

I now see these dissociative encounters, and behaviors such as staring at attractive women, as attempts on my part to connect in some way with those around me.  I've become very conscious now of the idea that I have somehow managed to finally get outside of this whole world of thought, and consequently, I think I've fundamentally changed how I interact with my world on a daily basis.  At least, I'm pretty sure a lot has changed.

I think my efforts to separate myself from the women I'm attracted to over these past several years have allowed me to to get outside of this dissociative line of thinking that played such a prominent role in my life for so many years.  Rather than trying to feel a sense of togetherness or closeness with women I desire by staring at them, or tying dissociative thoughts to statements such as, "It's hot," when a waitress in a restaurant brings out platter of sizzling fajitas, I'm doing a better job of actually seeing things from such women's point of view.  

For the most part, the women in my world that I desire so much are unavailable, but at least I feel I've gained to ability to better see things from their points of view, so I have that.  I think about this when I'm in a place such as a coffee shop or restaurant and conversations go on around me, and the idea that I may have lost a sense that I have a personal connection to such conversation, but that I've gained to ability to make more intelligent decisions about the women in my world that I can become preoccupied with.  Oh, and I don't remain preoccupied with women in my world for long these days, I'm pretty sure.

When I went to therapists for so many years, a big theme they went to constantly was the idea that I should look to be in a romantic love relationship.  I'm sure they see lonely patients all the time, and this is just what such patients are looking for to improve their lot in life.  Those books by Dr. David Burns, Feeling Good and Intimate Connections, convinced me that this never-ending quest for a long-term, committed, romantic love relationship at every turn and juncture in my life that these therapist really tried to emphasize amounted to nothing more that a pitch for some cure-all snake oil.  I think what I needed more was an ability to separate myself from those women that I so wanted to be in relationships with; to know where I left off and this person I desired began, so that I could then make more intelligent decisions about what I should do about my desires for and attractions to such women. 

In the last post I talked about how I put in a Facebook friend request for some woman I met last weekend.  On Saturday, she'd accepted my request, but by Sunday night she'd unfriended me.  I guessed several reasons for this, but the guess that most concerns me might involve how I talk openly and honestly about my mental health issues on this blog.  People who wonder why mentally ill people complain about a stigma really need to get hip to the idea that the possibility that this woman unfriended me for that reason seems very probable to me.

My guess is that her next move will wait until I see her at one of the clubs when I go to see a friend's band.  This could come in the next weekend or so, or six months from now.  It doesn't matter, because she unfriended me.  I envision myself talking to a mutual friend and how she might walk up an try to join the conversation.

Now, the only thing I that would concern me about how I'd react to that involves the notion that I would then try to prove what a great guy I am about being rejected by her, and try to come off as all super nice to her.  I will try to refrain from doing this.  I don't need to get all angry and make a scene, but I don't really need to try to prove what a great guy I am either.  I just see that kind of overture as an attempt to manipulate someone such as her into liking me, and I see my attempt to manipulate someone such as her into liking me after rejecting me as an attempt to pursue an unavailable woman, and I try not to pursue unavailable women anymore.  I don't need to be rude or nasty to her. I can just be kind of quiet and neutral, and maybe demur from any attempts to converse with her, and bow out of the conversation with the mutual friend or friends.