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Oliver Twist vs. Great Expectations

6/29/2022

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I read two of Charles Dickens' books that feature orphans as the lead characters, Oliver Twist and Great Expectations.  Dickens had a hard childhood.  His father wound up in debtor's prison, and as a boy Charles Dickens had to make his own way in the world of child labor as, from what I've read, a boot black and a worker in a bottle factory.  I find it kind of funny that the two orphans of Oliver Twist and Great Expectations come into prosperity through no devices of their own making, because Dickens had no such benefactors as he found early success as a serialized novelist in the first half of the nineteenth century in Victorian England.  Dickens had the ability to pluck himself out of the depths of personal gloom and despair and make a really good go of it in life, and his industry and success all throughout his adult life reflect this almost superhuman ability to lift himself out of almost any personal hell.  I guess he made Oliver Twist and Pip, the orphan in Great Expectations, the protagonists of those two books to shine a light on the utter helplessness children born into ill fortune experience in controlling their own destiny.

One finds this theme in full force in Oliver Twist, as, for much of the book, young Oliver finds himself cast about like a leaf in a gale from the most dire of life circumstances imaginable from birth until an incredible coincidence puts him in touch with his true lineage as a cast-off foundling from a much more prosperous class than his tormenters in the workhouse ever know of at first.  Oliver gets a taste of the good life until the criminal gang headed by Fagin kidnaps him and spirits him away from his newfound life.  The circumstances of Dickens' juvenile life in child labor no doubt inform the utter helplessness of Oliver to the whims of fortune that mark the tone of his book.  Oliver Twist came out as Dickens' second book published while still in his early to mid-twenties.  The hard life of child labor had to still taste very fresh to him. 

Great Expectations appeared as Charles Dickens' last major work, finding serialized newspaper publication as Dickens closed out his life in his fifties.   Dickens had suffered a failed, loveless marriage that ended while the author was in his forties, and he subsequently suffered the failed courtship of an eighteen year old stage actress that Dickens might have seen as his last chance at finding true love.  These experiences of women doubtlessly inform his characterizations of Miss Havisham and her young, beautiful protege, Estella.  Miss Havisham comes on as an elderly spinster who raises the beautiful Estella from childhood for the sole purpose of breaking the hearts of the male of the species.  Miss Havisham wears the same wedding dress she wore as a young woman, who, jilted at the alter by a rogue, vows revenge through the upbringing of Estella as a heartless bitch-goddess.  Pip finds himself hopelessly enamored of Estella from boyhood, all while suffering from the delusion that Miss Havisham serves as his mysterious benefactor that bestows a gentlemanly station upon him at the arrival of his eighteenth year.  For all of Dickens can-do pluck, he never found the love he longed for, and might have worked himself to death in his late fifties, as he toured Great Britain giving physically demanding readings of his works, perhaps as an effort to ward off the despair brought upon him by this central failure in the face of encroaching old age.

Great Expectations holds the general regard as Dickens' best book, but the visceral brutality in Oliver Twist really lays bare the hardship of life for England's lower classes in his times.  I imagine the overwrought sentimentality found in Oliver Twist put the tongues of twentieth century critics of such tendencies into a never-ending scolding clucking that attempted to rattle a previously unassailable literary reputation, but hey, Dickens and his depictions of the hardships of his times initiated an attempt for art to bring that stuff to light that ran through the rest of the nineteenth century in books such as Uncle Tom's Cabin, and influenced the attempts to form more humane welfare states in the developed world in the twentieth century.


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I think I did a good job, but I hope I don't go through anything like that again

6/18/2022

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One may look at any number of blog posts around the late 2010's and find me saying that I figured, "God wants me to get these women right," because I kept finding myself in the same situation with the same kind of unavailable woman over and over and over again.   The last time I found myself in this same situation involved that young woman who used to work at that business whom I can go on and on and on about.  I think I got her right.  I think I did alright by her.  I don't think she has any reason to complain about how I treated her at her place of employment or in my references to her on this blog.

I now wonder whether I will find myself in a similar situation with a young, attractive, yet unavailable woman in the coming days, weeks, months, or years.  I also wonder, on the other hand, if my skillful handling of that last situation marked the end of an era.  I wonder if any situation I could potentially find myself immersed in with a young, attractive woman who fits the same profile as those women at that one particular business I still patronize could even evolve into a full blown big deal.

I mentioned a young, attractive, probably unavailable woman who plays in a band I've seen a few times around town.  I decided to stop following her band on social media, and I may even refrain from going to her band's shows for quite some time.  I have a choice as to whether I will be around her or her online presence, and for now, I've decided to refrain from all such contact.  With that last young woman I found myself preoccupied with for the last several years, I had to go out of my way to avoid seeing her at her place of employment.  I had to go to another business from time to time.  I did stuff like that many times in regards to that young woman I fixated on for quite some time, but I find is so much easier to avoid this other girl's presence, and I like avoiding this other girl's presence, so much so that I don't see any major situation developing in regards to her.
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Having something going for me

6/13/2022

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I've talked before about one date I had in 2015 who told me she didn't compete for men, with a smirk in her voice and on her face, twice, and I've also talked about the girl from a long time ago that called me the ultimate underdog after I talked to her for the first time at a club one night.  Both of these women thought that talking to me that way would give them some advantage over me, and I decided to not have anything to do with either of them in pretty short order- even though both of these women were interested in me.  I guess a reasonably attractive woman having an interest in me doesn't necessarily do it for me like I once thought it would.  

When I think about these two women and other women who tried that kind of backhanded, disrespectful shit on me, and how they and others just assumed they had a captive audience with me and could pull that kind of thing on me, I think of other friends and ex-friends of mine who seemed to rank higher than me in the collective hierarchy of a lot of women we've all associated with at times. Yeah, these various friends and ex-friends did not and do not get that kind of treatment from a lot of women like I seem to rate.   That sucks.

The only viable solution I can come up with involves the idea that I try to have things going for me that don't involve the acceptance and approval of women.  I just completed an eight page story for a comics anthology due out later this year.  That kind of thing.  I'm taking both banjo lessons and guitar lessons.  I hope to record another album with both guitar and banjo on it next year or the year after.  That kind of thing.  When that women said to me that she didn't compete for men, my life and the way I live it shot back that she has some pretty awesome elements of my own life and personal freedom that she definitely has to compete with, and she didn't make the cut.  So that's all I really want to do about this collective attitude that I see from a lot of women who relate to me in any good, bad, or indifferent way.  I just try to make my life worth my time and attention, and if I have to educate any arrogant-attitude- having women in my world, one at a time, as to the fact of the matter, so be it.
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Someday my prince will come?

6/5/2022

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I think maybe that girl loves me.  I mean that girl who used to work at that one business I patronize.  That girl I used to go on and on about on this blog.  I just got back from a family gathering, and I came to that conclusion.  Maybe she even loves me as much as I love her.

I could be wrong.  Maybe I've done so well at overcoming my problems with love addiction that I can finally, truly experience happiness without love.  But I've been plenty happy for long periods of time for much of my life since I first made a commitment to take much better care of myself in October of 2001. Each successive decision I made led me to happier and happier places.  First it was quitting smoking.   Then, years later, it was quitting drugs and alcohol.   Then it was reviving my experiment to "turn my back on love" in September, 2012. Is this time so different?  It just might be.

Welp, I guess the moratorium on personal blog posts is over.  Yeah, maybe I'll just wind up looking like an asshole in much the same way she made me look like an asshole after I reached out to her on October 22nd, 2021.  Yes,  that was sarcasm.  Maybe the joke really is on me, again, this time as well. That's not sarcasm.  I believe time and the course of succeeding events might provide a conclusive resolution to this current dilemma.  So, yeah, maybe time will tell.
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Tales From the Crate

6/4/2022

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I managed to get my hands on some zines called Tales From the Crate put out by Nix Comics out of Ohio.  The writer and publisher, Ken Eppstein, buys fifty dollars worth of used vinyl records, reviews his purchases, and puts them in this zine.  He goes to the trouble to research the artist and/or the particular release, and so writes a review that comes off as very informative, entertaining, and insightful in regards to the record reviewed.  His own wonky knowledge of the sides and the artists contributes greatly to the information he puts in the review.  He has a true passion for his vinyl collecting, and he conveys this enthusiasm in his reviews.  Check @nixcomics on Twitter and Instagram.

As the readers of this blog might have guessed, I'm trying to refrain from blogging about my personal life again.  Let us see if I can last more than a week or two this time.  Tonight I attended an event, and as I walked by an attractive woman, she gave me a wincing smile.  I don't know if she gave me this look because I stared at her and she caught me at it, or if she reads my blog and tried to convey a reaction to something I wrote recently.  That's way too much intrigue or me.  I want to improve my relationship with women, and if I can't tell the difference between the two above causes that may explain why this woman winced at me, I will try to eliminate one possible explanation- an explanation I would admittedly find much less disquieting than the staring-at-women explanation- and try to work on myself from there.
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