In the months leading up to the world's shutdown over the pandemic, an identical kind of thing occurred with me in regards to two separate young women.  The first time occurred when I patronized a coffee shop I still patronize regularly, and caught a look from an attractive young barista whom I'd become somewhat familiar with by this time.  She looked at me with a wide-eyed look of, I don't want to say fear, but a sense of reservation (?) or some such.  Like she had some kind of fear of what might happen next in the interactions between us if things continued on their present course.  That's it.  Some sort of apprehension about where things might go between us showed up in her face and eyes as she looked at me go off to use the restroom after I'd ordered a drink.

I caught pretty much the same look one night at the Posse East after I finished an open mike set.  A table of college age kids featured one attractive young girl who looked a me in exactly the same way that barista had done many months before.  At that point I'd never even tried to talk to this young woman at the Posse or anyone in her party.  I just continued to go about my own business and leave them alone.  Soon after this young woman looked at me this way, she came up and talked to me.  She told me she liked my set and asked general questions about whether I play out and stuff like that.  I stood there with my hands clasped behind my back and politely talked to her until she went back to her table with her friends.  They left soon afterwards.

I couldn't quite put my finger on why these two totally unrelated young women looked at me in precisely the same way on two different occasions.  I'm now prepared to conclude that they both had something of an interest in me, but that they had serious reservations about throwing me any kind of bone of attention.  The same fearful looks they both had in their eyes tell me that they thought that if they showed any interest in me at all, that I might not leave them alone, so to speak.  In other words, that they might suffer negative consequences for showing the slightest bit of interest in me.  

I can only come to these kinds of understandings about women I very much have an attraction to by following my buddha.  By following my buddha, I mean continually working the experiment I first tried with Sara in 1988 where I "turned my back on love."  In other words, by seeing what would happen if I just let perceived opportunities slip through my fingers and go on my way.  If I had a love interest at this current time who seemed to 1) just want me to let go and walk away from them, or 2) wanted things to stay in exactly the same stalemate, or 3) wanted me to move things forward by jumping through her hoops, I think following my buddha and just letting all of this stuff slip through my fingers would help me to see that she probably would, as in the case of these two young women I've mentioned here, not like for me to pursue her to the ends of the Earth and back, and therefore, she really doesn't want to give me some kind of really affirming, validating, positive attention.

If I were to have a love interest at the current time who felt too inhibited to show that she liked me because of what I might do in reaction, the most reassuring thing I think I could do is not much of anything, really.  This current era has brought to light a whole spectrum of male misconduct towards women ranging from grabbing some woman's ass at a gathering to sexual assault, and I think I can see that such apprehensions on the part of young women in my world to show that they like me seem pretty understandable. 

My last post brought up the point that I've never had the opportunity to cash in on any situation where I felt compelled to let go of a love interest that just would not work out.  As a matter of fact, several of the very worst experiences I've ever had in my life in my relationship with women followed in the wake of what, even to this day, seems to constitute quite exemplary behaviors on my part.  In my last post I brought up a desire i had to rewrite the rules of what constituted a reward and who becomes the person to bestow that reward on me.  I concluded that I would reward myself with things such as comic books or CD's for acceptable behavior in this particular circumstance.  I would reward myself in such ways instead of waiting for the women in my world to bestow some kind of boon upon me.

To make myself the primary bestower of rewards sets up a whole new set of rules, it might seem, particularly a whole new set of rules about what I could bring up on this blog.  As I say in the title of this post, I will try to take the high road on this issue, and not single any one person out.  That means that the reader may have to forgive me for my lack of specific, concrete examples that might better illustrate whatever point I want to illustrate, but here goes.

I've never dated someone who initially came at me in an adversarial manner.  Furthermore, I've never known a male friend, coworker, or casual acquaintance who ever had a story to tell where they dated a woman or girl who came at them in an adversarial manner.  That record stands from my college days to this very day, September, 24th, 2021.  Never happened.  I'm not saying that it's never happened with anyone, anywhere, just not for me or any male peer I've ever known in any capacity.  

I've had adversarial situations arise between myself and a young woman that rose to the point where I felt the need to demonstrate a willingness to defend myself from physical assault from overly zealous young men who seemed driven by a misguided sense of chivalry that a person or persons, known or unknown, instilled in them somehow.  I'm not singling any one person out, because I've dealt with such situations from the mid-80's to the present day.  I've certainly never, ever dated a young woman or girl who went to this place with me.

That said, I think any effort I make to let go of such a woman or girl, given that I now assume responsibly for rewarding myself; I think I would do well to at least point out some of the elements in play in some of these situations.  That would include all kinds of efforts on their part at harassment and intimidation that rise to, at times, the threat of physical violence against me.  Hey, all in the name of letting go a love interest who wants nothing more than for me to let them go so we can both get on with our lives.  Right?  And since I've rewritten the rules as to who gets to reward me for exemplary, high-road behavior, that frees up a lot of topics that used lay buried underneath the surface.  All in the name of letting go.  All in the name of loving these kinds of women the best way I know how.

Back in the day, after I would let go of someone such as Donna or Gwen, I would tell myself that letting go of such women in an acceptable manner would really raise my stock with other women, and that I could rebound with a real girlfriend for my efforts at such acceptable behavior.  Well, one of the worst experiences I've ever had in my relationship with women occurred in the aftermath of my efforts to let go of Donna in the Fall of 1986.  That bad experience came in the form of Wanda.  So much for cashing in.

I had a friend who related to his girlfriends in the manner of an abusive alcoholic asshole, and he'd have girlfriends rewarding him for his efforts sometimes two at a time.  And, I might add, these "rewards" aren't just something one could put off on women, because I used to associate with someone whose ongoing infidelity towards her husband got rewarded with a long, stable marriage, a roof over her head, and kids.

So, if I ever had the occasion where I saw fit to let go of someone in my world, and I wanted to do so in a manner that she and those around us found acceptable, I'd set up a token reward system rather than try to look for validation for my behavior from other women in my world.  I give myself token rewards for behaving in an acceptable manner towards family members, and for meeting goals such as regular guitar practice and exercise, among other things.  I find that these kinds of rewards, coming from myself, prove so much more reliable than affirmation and/or validation from others in my purview. 

 I just got finished watching a couple of YouTube videos posted by Dr. Todd Grande.  These two videos featured analyses of content creator's videos where they claimed a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder.  I won't get too much into what he said, but I'll just say that this subject interests a lot of people.  

I have never received a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder by a doctor or other type of clinician.  My official diagnosis is Schizoaffective Disorder.  BUT, the main conceit of my memoir stories centers around a narrative that presents the dilemmas I face in trying to figure these life experiences out, and under which of these two diagnoses my life experiences belong.  I'm trying to present art, not science, which can hopefully speak to a lot of people and their own lives in a way a clinical case study of my experiences never could.

Maybe these dilemmas interest others more than even I, in my most grandiose imaginings, can really appreciate.  Maybe my interactions with those around me on a day to day basis reflect this interest in my story that I can't fathom.  Or maybe I'd do just as well to go piss up a rope as write and draw these comics, write and perform those songs, and write these blog posts.  Again with the dilemma.

I'm prepared to forgive the Invisible Woman for her enthusiasm for wanting to play a part in this somehow, and I can especially forgive that young woman whom I can go on and on about on this blog.  Yeah,  I've been living in a cartoon of sorts long before either of them came along, and I don't mind if they want to watch, I guess.   

The biggest innovation to my game with Sara in 1988 became my ability to readily accept an outcome where me and my love interest of the moment did not become boyfriend and girlfriend.  Up until Sara, I imagine that I told myself that I could readily accept an outcome where me and my love interest didn't make it, but it seemed to always turn out that such a decision was always made for me, for some reason.  My newly found skillset in relation to Sara allowed me to better look out for both hers and my own best interests when I just couldn't take it anymore and I bailed.  That is why my whole time with Sara remains a well that I still draw water from to this day, as opposed to the time of my first girlfriend, which seems to remain a product of its time.  I'm not quite ready to bail on this young woman I can go on about at length on this blog, but, metaphorically speaking, I'm standing at the side door of the airplane, wind in my face, at the proper altitude, weather's good, parachute strapped on, safety chute as well, helmet, goggles, all good, just waiting for the thumbs up from my buddha to leap into the great unknown, which is not quite the great unknown of my youth anymore.

I bought a mostly good best of Carpenters CD a couple of weeks ago.  I get that their original songs such as, "Superstar," "Close to You" and, "Top of the World," make for some well sung, well written, over all well crafted AM pop, but they couldn't do covers for shit.  Of the three that come to mind on this collection, "Jambalaya," "Please Mr. Postman," and "Reason to Believe," only "...Postman," doesn't totally suck.  It doesn't really add much to the Marvelettes original, but it doesn't totally suck like "Jambalaya" and "Reason to Believe."

I had to stop listening to their version of "Reason to Believe" just now and get with the Rod Stewart original on Youtube (no Spotify).  Because of where I find myself emotionally at this very specific moment right here, right now, I really wanted to listen to a good version of this song, and the Carpenters just didn't deliver.  A good cover should be able to plug you in as well as the original, even if it doesn't resonate in exactly the same way.  Nope.

https://youtu.be/mvdKUxW44Wk  The link is to a YouTube post about a woman whose husband stalked and manipulated her into marrying him.  I don't like controlling behavior in women.  If that young woman wants to go out with me, she will have to ask me out.  We can have one date.  It can be a coffee date.  She can bring a friend or friends.  She can set up the date at her place of employment to where she doesn't have to give me contact information.  I don't know if this story in this video is true, but I find it disturbing.  If this young woman does not want to go out with me, I'm okay with that, and I will not ask her out at her place of employment.  I will do nothing to embarrass this person in public.  If this young woman puts a vibe out she does not want to interact with me at all, I will patronize another business that offers the same services.  Let me make myself clear.  I identify with the woman in that Reddit post that the guy reads in the YouTube video.

As soon as I feel ready enough to do so, I will start patronizing that business that young woman works at once more.  I don't even know if she works there anymore.  I hope this post finds her and hers well, regardless.  I said on June 15th that I stood willing to walk away from this whole deal.  I told several people in my world that I stood willing to give us both the whole rest of the Summer off from this deal and go into a kind of self-imposed exile.  I made good on my word.  Right?  At some time, sooner rather than later, I 1) hope to see this person again, and 2) plan on pretty much leaving her alone.  Maybe my return to my normal routines will serve to further wind down a situation that she seemed to want to take a break from.  She seemed cheerful the last time I saw her.  At least she didn't seem to have any issues with me.  I came through on my pledge to just take a break, and I have a lot of confidence that I can just leave her alone if I perceive that she wants that.  I stood willing to let go of our deal from day one.  Yeah, it was a pretty shitty deal on day one, but I stood willing to let her go from that day to this, and I've done nothing if not totally prove that multiple times.

In my last post I talked about an occupational hazard a lot of attractive, young female employees face in retail and service industry jobs.  Namely, the unsolicited invitations for a date or other social activity by a male customer while they work at their job.  I talked about how this kind of thing must get old pretty fast.  I also talked about the two occasions where a female employee first broached the subject of seeing me outside of their work first, and how this works so much better, so much so that such a dynamic may constitute the way these employees approach the subject of going out with customers.  That would mean that such a dynamic upends the traditional one where the man initially brings up such a subject in any given setting.

Okay, I'm down with that.  Whatever works.  Right?  But I'll lay this one on you.  One very attractive female employee of a retail business I frequently patronize started giving these sultry, flirtatious looks whenever I found myself around her at her place of employment.  I knew her first name from her name tag, so I decided to try and find her on social media.  I found her alright, along with references to her two kids and her fiancé.  That put an end to any effort I might have made to reach out to her socially.  

The thing of it is, before too long, this young, very attractive woman started acting vey rudely towards me at this same job she worked; as if I'd done something wrong.  I've had two pretty clear cut examples of the same kind of behavior in other settings, one in college, one at an art gallery, that I came to the same conclusion about this series of exchanges with this female employee.  I came to the conclusion that the young, very attractive female employee sought to entrap me in a cruel rejection game she tried to get going.  Basically, she'd flirt with me hard, then when I asked her out or anything like that, the ax would fall.

I can think of a few reasons why someone such as her would behave this way, none of them make me feel particularly sympathetic to her point of view.  One reason might consist of a desire on her part to simply win at this kind of game, and since she lost she wanted to take it out on me.  One reason might consist of a desire to prove I'm some kind of obsessive weirdo who doesn't know enough to leave this kind of rattlesnake alone.  That would make me some kind of a bad guy in her little drama world.  And, on the bad guy angle, one reason might consist of trying to punish me for some offense I committed against womankind that she'd heard about somewhere.  These reasons seem to sum up where such horrible, abusive behavior might come from, in my experience.

I think these women who behave this way, and I have several examples in my past where I took the bait and women such as her won at their games, see this behavior as empowering to themselves as women.  I, of course, don't see it that way at all.  I see it as simple, cut and dried entrapment.  This kind of behavior explains the whole reason I initiated the, "What if I turned my back on love?" experiment back in 1988, and I why I so eagerly decided to revive the experiment in 2012.  See the post from January/ February 2016 titled, "I'm not bad," to read an outline of this experiment.

If any young, attractive female employees at businesses seek to capture my fancy through such flirtations while I patronize their business, and they engage in these flirtations out of a sincere desire to get to know me better, but they don't want to go so far as to broach the subject of an outside-of-work social encounter with me, well, good luck with that.  If any young, attractive female employees of businesses I patronize want to explore the possibility that I could be the love of their life through such flirtations, but they don't want to go so far as to broach the subject of a date, well, then I sincerely apologize.  That might just make us two entirely different people with radically different experiences in life and not much in common, and that might just mean that our love is not to be.

On one of my social media accounts, I follow an attractive young woman who frequently posts videos whereon she vents her frustrations at the demanding customers she encounters at her retail job.  As I watched one last night, I thought, "God, what a bitch!  If she has this kind of an attitude towards the customers at her job, she should just find another line of work."  In one of my posts last week, I talked about how harsh and unforgiving attractive young women can seem of a potential suitor's shortcomings.  "If this is how this bitch is about where the potato chip aisle is when a customer doesn't ask in a courteous enough manner, how would she be if my fifty-seven year old ass asked her on a date?" 

Then I thought, "Okay, Rich, have some empathy.  You've worked in retail.  What is all of this bitchiness really about?"  Well, if my experiences in retail, food service, and other customer/ client service jobs tells me anything, her attitude is about sensory overload.  My social media followee expresses that she's just over certain aspects of her job, which in a retail job, usually means she's over certain categories of customer demandingness.  If it's not the customers, it's her supervisors, her fellow employees, the company she works for, the building she works in, the drive to work.  You get the idea.  The customers always come first in the just about any service industry employee's complaints about their job.

Keeping this in mind, I guess, moving forward, I will NEVER take it upon myself, EVER AGAIN, to approach a young, attractive female employee of a business I patronize for social reasons, unless they CLEARLY, UNAMBIGUOUSLY, broach the subject of such activity themselves.  Even if I get on a pretty familiar basis with such an employee, but they never broach the subject of an outside social encounter themselves, nope.  

The only two times in this century I recall female employees bringing up social activities with me outside of their job, I was totally down.  Every time I brought such activities up first with female employees, not so much. I guess the two women who brought this subject up first saw me as a treat for themselves as they went about their often hard workday, and so they treated themselves to an invitation for some kind of a date.

I guess I can assume it's that cut and dried; if an attractive young woman gets on a familiar basis with me, and/ or kind of flirts with me a little or maybe even a lot, but doesn't broach the subject of social activities outside of work, then she's not interested, period.  That's based on my experiences on both sides of the counter, and my sometimes limited ability to empathize with the kinds of women I'm attracted to.  And, I might add, my limited empathy skills will probably serve me much better in actually refraining from such activity than any prospect of getting indignant or really hurt at some young woman shooting my prospective invitation down.