The most counter-productive, disruptive thing I could do at this time would consist of casting about for a love interest from amongst the most attractive women in my world. For me, this would mean looking to the waitress/ barista/ grocery store employee types who inhabit my day to day routines. In a misguided attempt to rebound from my experience of these last several weeks, my mind can latch on to the most attractive of these types, and try to make it all about them. Nope! That is all.
I'll state the obvious (to many) right off and say that the former cashier that looked like a possibility some weeks ago didn't go my way after all. I think I showed a lot of bravery in questioning the whole premise of her supposed attraction to me to the extent that I questioned it. When the pivotal moment came, and there she stood in person, I just wanted to see what would happen if I blew her off then and there, and in doing just that, I did the right thing. She could have said "HI" to me at that moment, but she didn't, and we came to a parting of the ways.
The most counter-productive, disruptive thing I could do at this time would consist of casting about for a love interest from amongst the most attractive women in my world. For me, this would mean looking to the waitress/ barista/ grocery store employee types who inhabit my day to day routines. In a misguided attempt to rebound from my experience of these last several weeks, my mind can latch on to the most attractive of these types, and try to make it all about them. Nope! That is all.
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Last summer, I got back in touch with a way of looking at my seemingly ever-present dilemmas with women. I returned to the idea that God is giving me plenty of chances to get (Schmaylor Schmift) right. Nowadays, just insert (that former cashier) in the place of (Schmaylor Schmift). Last summer got REALLY lonely for me too. It was as if the attractive women in the small town I stayed in knew what a piece of shit I was in how I related to women. At least that part of it is better now. I glanced at a Washington Post article today about a Facebook group that seems to fit the description of what I might be facing to a "T." Well now, isn't that precious.
Anyhoo, just because I'm actually inclined to believe that God wants me to get that former cashier right, that doesn't necessarily mean "happily ever after" with her. Far from it. Saying to myself that God wants me to get her right allows me to pivot in all kinds of directions in regards to her, depending on what I feel my actual options are, and the only rules about the decisions I make regarding her have to do with what such a God would accept as intelligent decisions regarding her. Got it? That said, okay, she started in on me in February of 2019, okay. She's STILL an issue for me, and, right now, I'm inclined to believe that she's STILL an issue for me does NOT necessarily just mark me as can obsessive guy who can carry a torch for an unavailable woman for years. Not at all. But, just in case that torch bearing angle really constitutes the whole of my dilemma regarding her, that DOES NOT negate how relevant and effectual my decision to lay down my burden on this issue and let God do His/Her thing can prove in bringing about an acceptable, nay viable, turn of events in the coming days, weeks, and months. Okay, why is she still an issue for me, if it may not just mean I carry a pointless, futile torch for her? I think her end of it, in regards to me as someone she wants to get to know better, might just exist. I've done enough skeptical inquiry, eliminated some of the other possibilities, at least to some extent, and conclude....that God wants me to get this former cashier right, and that He/She is giving me PLENTY, but PLENTY of chances to get her right.. Is it June, 2019 already? Oh, and before I sign off: If it's about the presence of her absence from here on out, that's STILL something God wants me to get right, and I will have LOTS of time and LOTS of chances to do just that. Female desire for a man is not based on the guy's virtuous merit any more than a man's desire for a woman is based on her virtuous merit. I read an entry in the comments section of an article on the Jezebel site that said, that in our society, one gender (men) plays the role of voracious consumer, and the other gender (women) plays the role of gatekeeper. I find it unhelpful to buy into my part in such an equation, and I imagine a lot of other people, men and women both, would feel the same way.
I was on a date in 2015, and my date, at one point, smirked and said, in a smirking voice, that she did not compete for men. The fact that she offered herself to me later that night was supposed to override some remark like that, I guess. I found the attitude she displayed towards me that found reflection in that remark she made while smirking so off-putting that, my role as voracious consumer be damned, that was our first and last date. A guy's virtuous merit can be an attractive feature, as long as it's not enmeshed in some "nice guy" attitude of entitlement to access to women due to this supposed virtuous merit. But the idea that women select a guy due to such a quality has likely tripped me up on any number of occasions. A couple of years ago, this one barista at a coffee shop I patronized supposedly wanted to get to know me better. She was fucking gorgeous too, but I was skeptical. I'd found her on Facebook in early 2018, and put in a friend request for her. She seemed to take great offense to this at the time. She would make goo-goo eyes at me as if to mock me or to otherwise mess with me. But I made it clear through posts on this blog that I didn't have any desire to "start" anything with her, and that my Facebook friend request in no way reflected such a desire. She backed off with that goo-goo eyes stuff, and she turned out to be one of the nicer women to me at that coffee shop. She acted as if she sympathized with me through the whole Schmaylor Schmift ordeal, and I really appreciated her support. She became one of my favorite baristas at that coffee shop, for sure. But I think she got tripped up on the notion of rewarding my perseverance through my travails with some sort of attention from her, because the first instance where I expressed some skepticism and reluctance to engage with her on this blog, she bailed. Again, I think the scuttlebutt around the coffee shop was that she just found someone else she liked better. So much for her role as judicious gatekeeper, favoring men with attention based on their virtuous merit. So you see, this kind of thing has happened to me before....and quite recently to boot. But you know what, the idea that women's desire for men is based more on things such as looks and charm and whatnot frees me from having to be a "good guy" all the time in how I engage with women. I can concentrate more on stuff such as losing some more weight, getting a nice haircut, or buying a neat pair of shoes or like that than having to be a "good guy" and "work things out" with ANYONE who crosses my path. To the best of my understanding, that former cashier, who I might have spotted in my world a little over a week ago, remains as unavailable to me as she was when I let her go in January of 2022. That is all.
I'm in the process of posting pages from issue 4 of Richy Vegas Comics on Patreon. I plan on posting ten pages every two weeks. I hope to post on Patreon instead of paying for expensive reprints. For $1 a month, a patron can access everything I've posted up to that point, as well as future posts. i've got a nifty, tricked out scanner to help me. Cheers!
I remember writing several years ago that I felt as if I might have been in a different place in regards to that young woman of these past several posts than any place I've ever been before with anyone. Maybe that notion, that I'm in a place I've never been before, has finally come to fruition. Several years ago, when I first put that idea out there, this girl and I weren't exactly on the same page. But by then I'd made a lot of changes, and there might have been something different about her as well that I picked up on, even though we didn't see eye to eye on some fundamental things. This deal I'm dealing with, and I do feel as if this is a deal, as of yesterday, maybe; this deal I'm dealing with might not actually work out, but maybe things have changed for the better to such an extent that I can get something going with someone else if things don't shake out with this former cashier the way I'd like for them to shake out.
I might have seen that former cashier somewhere in my world yesterday. It's been over two years since I last saw her, and this young woman looked somewhat different in how her hair was done, for one thing. Well, I said, "Sooner rather than later." That'd be awesome if it was her. It'd be great to have someone on board for a deal that I want to be a part of, for once. I'll try not to come off as so hyper-vigilant in future posts. I don't recall having to be really hyper-vigilant with Chelsea, even after she just flat out said to me that she wanted to be someone I would not recall fondly. I mean, she just said it, and I made my decisions accordingly. I could still enjoy her company when we'd go out to dinner and stuff like that.
Since my diagnosis in 1992, I can think of TWO women I would like to see again, as far as missed opportunities go. TWO! When I contrast that to all of the bogus opportunities I've mostly been smart enough to let fall by the wayside...man! Neither of those TWO women, nor the situations I found myself in with them, seemed to have that highly charged quality that the bogus situations I found myself in with the bogus women had. The situation with this former cashier STILL seems highly charged. I haven't even seen her in well over two years, and yet...my god, does it seem charged! Especially in contrast to those deals with Celeste and Lauren. Celeste in 1999, Lauren in 2010. I could be wrong about this former cashier, but if I am, I'm willing to let this supposed opportunity be the THIRD opportunity I wish I had back since my diagnosis in 1992. I can live with that, I promise.
I used to have this male friend who, instead of having a code of behavior which he tried to adhere to in how he related to those around him, he would just try to get away with as much shit as possible. I told an another male friend of mine that I found the behavior that resulted from this guy's attitude tiresome and alienating. It was just such a drag to feel as if this guy was constantly probing his limits and boundaries with me.
One example: One time I went to meet this male friend and one of his girlfriends at a bar in the spring of 2013. The conversation turned to "Chelsea." He volunteered a swaggeringly delivered, "I fucked her!" at some point during this. I replied, "Really?" with smile. He waved it off and said, "Naw!" That ended that conversational exchange. A few weeks later, he gave me a ride downtown one evening with one of his other girlfriends in the front seat with him as he drove. Again, the conversation turned to Chelsea. He turned to his girlfriend and said, in a more mature tone, "I dated her for a couple of weeks." I decided to stop being friends with this guy in the spring of 2014. I think my decision to reject him after over thirty years of friendship says a lot more about him than it does about me. In the spring 2014 he told me one lie too many about one of his deals with one of his girlfriends, and, it wasn't so much that this one time it was so bad, it was more like the straw that broke the camel's back. I'd had enough, I couldn't do it anymore. I've had to deal with a lot of women who've set out to treat me in pretty much the same way this guy treated me for so many years. I don't like this kind of behavior in women anymore than I like it in men. One thing that's really helped me to spot this behavior in women-even women I've had a strong physical attraction to. The kind of attraction that can cloud a guy's ability to reason- one thing that's really helped me is that I learned long ago how to let go of the idea that I needed to consummate a deal with ANY woman that crosses my path. You get me? i'm willing to let ANY opportunity slip through my fingers, NO MATTER WHAT THE WOMAN REPRESENTS TO ME. I first trained myself to take this position in regards to ANYONE when I ran into Sara in the spring of 1988. It was only in 2012 that I adopted this "turning my back on love" approach in the most committed way I knew how. I don't think ANYONE I've had run-ins with since 2012 can really complain about how I treated them, either. One aspect of this stance towards the women in my world has to do with what I write here on this blog. If the notion crosses my mind that I might one day want to write words such as the ones I wrote in this entry's preceding paragraphs, then go for it. Don't hold back. Don't save such a post for a situation that may or may not develop into something later on. Just come out with it. I write this now because I get the impression that how a number of women in my world regard me has changed for the better. The whole reason things have changed for the better has to do with my willingness to just let this stuff get out there, no matter where I may feel I stand with any one particular person or another, in my opinion. If anyone forgot what this post's original topic centered around, it centered around women trying to get away with murder as far as how they relate to me goes. |
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August 2023
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