There's this really pretty twenty year old girl in my world.  There's a lot of reasons I don't want to approach her for friendship and dating.   She's twenty.  I don't really know her at all.  She works at a business where I would feel weird approaching her for that kind of thing.  In one of Dr. David Burn's books, he advises lonely, under-confident people to approach individuals who wouldn't be as intimidating to approach as this young woman.  Then, if the person has any luck, maybe they would have the confidence to approach someone who really excites them.  

That sounds like a good idea.  I think I could hit myself in the thumb with a hammer and ask a nurse out in the emergency room while I'm in there.  Or better yet, I could have a heart attack and ask the EMT out who rides in the back of the ambulance with me, if she's a female.  A hospital emergency room or the back of an ambulance would equal in weirdness the business that this really pretty twenty year old works at as far as weird places to ask employees out on dates, so I should be plenty confident when a nurse or EMT agrees to hang out with me when I ask them out, and approaching this twenty year old in her place of employment for a date should be a cinch after I pull something like that off.

Better yet, I could start drinking heavily again, go for a drive, get pulled over, have the cops give me the dummy test, and ask the lady cop out when she takes me off in her squad car.  Hey!  Maybe all I really need to ask this girl out is some liquid courage.  I could throw down a few beers and go into her place of employment and try my luck without having to ask the nurse, the EMT, or the lady cop out at first.

Come to think of it, maybe all this girl really wants is to see if I mention her on this blog.  Well, I hope she likes what I wrote.  I've been doing note taking, outlining, and reading for my next five comic books.  Heavy.  This post represents down time from those tasks.  These next five books detail how I went totally nuts in 1992.  I also finished the last three pages of my latest book.  I hope to have it at the library and other places by the middle of June.   

Last Friday I made what I feel will amount to an intelligent decision about a young woman in my world.  I decided to refrain from favoring this young woman with any attention and to not pursue her romantically at all.  I just walked myself through my thought journey, from fantasizing about marrying this young woman and having kids with her during what remains of my life, all the way to the conclusion that I'd do well to let her go instead, by about the stroke of Midnight, Friday night. 

I might go into more detail about my train of thought last Friday at a later date, but for now, if anyone wants to know how to go from grandiose fantasies about some supposed great love to deciding to let such a person go in a matter of a few days, I would suggest they buy a copy of Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns.  Dr. Burns lays out methods for getting thoughts that undermine one's stability, happiness, and well-being out on paper or in a dialogue with a competent therapist or a sympathetic friend, and coming up with ways to come to terms with things that have dissatisfied, disappointed, or nearly killed someone in the past.  For me, what used to sometimes take weeks or months to do now takes days.  In 2014, it took me four months to let go of that virgin girl at that business I still patronize.  This most recent girl took me FOUR DAYS, tops.  That's the nature of recovery I guess.  It progresses in the right direction, whereas addiction progresses in the wrong direction.

Suffice to say, after I came to my conclusion that this young woman sought to represent herself as available and interested to me when she may be neither, I thought, "I could be wrong about her." The police use inductive reasoning to solve most of their cases.  Inductive reasoning goes something like, "If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, flies like a duck, swims like a duck, walks like a duck, has feathers like a duck; chances are it's a duck."  The cops aren't always right using this method, but they are right enough of the time to draw a salary, I suppose.  My inductive line of reasoning about her, or the "math" if one prefers, helped seal the deal on my decision about her.

After I make one of these decisions, I often ask myself, "Why me?  Why do I have to deal with this shit so frequently?"  I've talked in the past about how the impulse for these young baristas and waitresses and whatnot to try to shit on me this way must manifest itself as a temptation to them rather than a well thought out, intelligent  decision.  Today, I figured that strippers must have to deal with an analogous situation.  They probably have to resign themselves to the fact that a certain number of the male patrons of these places are going to want to touch them inappropriately and/or say rude things to them in a number of ways and in a number of situations.  it's just part of their job. 

For various reasons, I have to deal with abusive, asshole behavior from particularly attractive young women in much the same way strippers have to deal with abusive, asshole behavior from a certain percentage of their male patrons.  In the case of this young woman in question, I think she works in a place where a gunfighter mentality took over among employees with traits like hers and she wanted to succeed where other young women failed, i.e. she wanted to get a reputation off of me.

I write on this blog about how I displayed a vulnerability to this kind of attention from young women in the past, and how it has been my cross to bear for all these years.  I also talked in recent posts about I thought something might happen on my birthday this year in regards to recognition for Richy Vegas.  Well, the whole reason the Legend of Richy Vegas manifested itself to me in the way it did in 1992 lies in the fact that I could not deal with the various forms on unavailable women that would seize my being, one after the other,  all throughout my twenties.  Further disappointments with woman since then had me fixating on upcoming dates as a way to hopefully resolve the grandiose Legend with the reality I lived and finally receive my recognition as Richy Vegas.  The thing is, I do much better now at dealing with the things about my relationship with women that made me so crazy in the first place, so maybe this year I may just look forward to a little cake and ice cream for my birthday.    

One time my old band, Insect Sex Act, played Emo's in 2010 or 2011.  As we played, these three or four young women danced with each other energetically in front of the stage.  Just havin' fun.  The last thing I wanted to do after the set was try to talk to these young girls.  I thought it might have looked really uncool and presumptuous to try and pick up on them.  

As I go around in my world, I wonder if anyone has read those books on the zine shelf at the main library downtown.  I kind of pick up a vibe that some of the women I see at these businesses may have read the books.  I could be wrong.  It's cool to have an audience that has a lot of women in it, if my intuitions are true.  Insect Sex Act's audience seemed to consist of mainly dudes.  

Last Fall I talked about a situation that I didn't know if it was real or not.  I talked about having an internet presence that I didn't create myself nor did I consent to.  I still don't know if that's true or not, but one of my posts back then talked about how I no longer drank, smoked cigarettes, did drugs, or PURSUE UNAVAILABLE WOMEN.  This latest turn of events involving my books at the library might represent better times than I had last Fall.  I still don't want to chase after unavailable women, even if women reading my books marks an improvement in my fortunes.

Nothing could ruin any good deal I've made for myself more easily than trying to connect with some twenty-two year old waitress or barista in my world who would just not have any of that.  So, in good times or bad, unavailable women could make any deal suck.  Just because I may have an audience doesn't mean I get to go all Guns and Roses on the female members.

I've just finished sixty pages of my next book.  I hope to have it back from the printer and sent to wherever I'm going to send it by this time next month.  I hope it's true that I have an audience that reads the books at the library. 

The other night I lost it as I drove one of my parents back from a no-big-deal visit to the emergency room.  I just started exclaiming, "I can't do it!  I can't do it!" as this parent's demands got to me.  My parents aren't getting any younger, and I have to take a bigger role in their care.

These past few days I've thought about all of the asshole women I've had to deal with these past several years.  One who really comes to mind is that Virgin Girl from 2014/15.  I sure handled the pressure she put on me better than I handled the pressure this situation put on me the other night.  My response the other night in the car looked adolescent in comparison.  I think I've been handling these situations with all of these asshole women with a lot more professionalism than I've been handling the situation with my parents.

I've been out in the world.  See, that Virgin Girl from that business I patronize offered me her virginity-if I played my cards right.  It seems that the guy I saw her with one time was some kind of SOB or something, and if I just played my cards right, even though she didn't even know me, really...yeah.

I just thought about that Virgin Girl and all her bullshit as I dealt with one of my parents just now.  I mean I had to go and deal with this parent as I wrote the above passages.  It helps.  I can only think to apply the skill set I've shown with these women to the situation with my parents, instead of feeling like I'm still fourteen years old with them.

I'm kind of stuck at my house for now.  I can work on my books and my music to keep me busy.  I just finished page fifty of the latest issue of Richy Vegas Comics tonight.  I practiced a couple of songs for my next album as well.  The progress on the book goes a lot better than the progress on the record.

I posted this picture of my inventory on Instagram the other night:

This is a picture of my complete inventory of Richy Vegas Comics.  Last year I planned on doing a count of how many issues I had, but then I said, "Fuck it."  I have a bunch of comics.  Okay?  The other night I decided to try and sell them at comic cons and zine fest for only ONE DOLLAR  per eighty pages of qualificious Richy Vegas goodness.   Yasss!  That's ONE MEASLY DOLLAR per book, folks.  

It's a classic story of too much supply versus not enough demand.  This is my legacy as an artist.  I don't want to have to recycle eighty percent of my inventory when all is said and done. Okay?  I will also offer these comics at musical performances for FREE.  Yes, Mr. and Mrs. America, you heard me right, for FREE.  If I can't put a significant dent in this inventory by offering these books at a price range of ONE DOLLAR all the way down to FREE, I guess that my next step will be to PAY PEOPLE to take them.  I plan on writing a song advertising my FREE books at my musical performances.  I don't have any ideas of the words or music right now, but I'll get on it when I have a gig booked, I guess.

This is all part of my effort to focus my attentions on a viable plan B, for when plan A falls through.  Plan A, as readers will remember, is where I finally receive the recognition that I deserve in my identity as Richy Vegas and get my wing-wang sucked every day by supermodels.  I planned on plan A coming to fruition, this time around, on my birthday next month.  The problem with plan A lies in the fact that such an outcome is entirely out of my hands.  Plan B, where I try to foist my books off on an unsuspecting public by any means necessary, looks more doable that Plan A.

I plan on completing eight more issues of my book, printing up one hundred copies of each issue like always, and then working on whittling the resulting mass of scrumditaliumptious Richy Vegas geniusness down to a number of books that I can stand to send off to recycling.  Say, thirty percent of my inventory.  If I do any more books after I complete this series, I will just have a small number of books printed up for the purpose of documentation and leave it at that.  

The last post talked about my time at the Pocketfishrman Fish Fry, and also about the Legend of Richy Vegas becoming manifest somehow on my next birthday, which is next month.  Several women looked at me in a way I'm not really used to at the Fish Fry.  They didn't look at me in any way that demonstrated great lust or longing or anything dramatic like that, but they looked at me nonetheless.  Other interactions with a dude my age here, or how I would overhear a guy there who would say something that I took out of context and appied to the Legend.... Oh god.  I don't know if I'm making any sense.  Okay, examples: I sat at a table outside, at the Fish Fry, and a dude my age came up to it with three drinks he had trouble managing.  He put them down on the table in front of me, and handed them one by one to his party of friends at the next table.  He said to me, "Thanks for saving my life."  I didn't do anything like that within the context of this situation with his drinks.  Okay?  I also wandered through the crowd at one point and I overheard a guy say, "He managed to stop it before...," and that's all I heard.

It might be that the Legend is becoming manifest around me as I go about my day to day routines.  I may shop in a grocery store, for example, and an attractive young woman comes up beside me in the same aisle or whatnot, and this is all subtly confusing and not a little intimidating. 

Anyway, I've decided that I'm not going to try to approach ANY women for the foreseeable future.  I hope that no-one out there finds this decision off-putting or alienating.  I just want to see if my perceptions have any basis in reality, and what that reality may entail.

In a Japanese Art History class in the Summer of 1987, the teacher talked about the Japanese approach to mastery of one's craft.  The teacher said that the Japanese way was to follow the rules and rise through the ranks until one achieved master level, as in the case of a black belt in Judo or Karate.  The teacher said that the person who achieved master level could then do whatever they wanted after that.  So, first follow the rules and rise through the ranks, then comes the personal freedom to do whatever one would want to do.

Following such a system means, hopefully, that doing whatever one wants does not entail doing crazy, fucked up, or transgressive things.  One has learned to play by the rules, and doing whatever one wants entails, hopefully, a personal freedom within the confines of the general rules on personal conduct set forth.  I think just kind of chilling out and not really doing anything about this possible new found attention from women for a while fits within this idea put forth by the Japanese system.

Last night I attended the annual Pocket Fishrman Fish Fry at the Hole in the Wall.  After hanging out there for about an hour and a half or so, I got the feeling that a lot of the women there knew about my latest series of Richy Vegas Comics.  The Austin Public Library has the last four issues, "The Legend of Richy Vegas, parts 1 thru 4," in their zine collection.  The latest issue details how I made things right with Jenna at the Dobie Theater in the Summer of 1992.  

Last Fall and Winter I talked about how I had the feeling that I had an internet presence that I did not consent to and could not access without special knowledge of how to see it.  Again, it was all on an intuitive level that I sensed this.  I still have no evidence that any of those allegations are true.  I talked about how I was willing to make amends to the person who felt that I had wronged them so many years ago, and who may have had something to do with this alleged internet presence.  

One of the last posts that covered this topic concerned the ex-husband of the aggrieved party.  I talked about how I had introduced myself to him at a party that I figured he would attend.  I told him that I had a couple of classes with his ex-wife at UT, and that I had a run-in with her back in those days.  He kind of chuckled it off and left soon after with his wife.

Anyway, back then I figured that people of the Pocket-Fishrman-and-their-ilk music scene knew about this whole deal-at least that a lot of the women on that scene knew.  Last night I felt that maybe they had all either read the books at the library or someone told them what they contained.  When I met that woman's ex-husband at that party, I told him about my books at the library, so I speculated that he told his ex-wife about them.

I've got about a month and a half until my fifty-fifth birthday.  I've talked about how, in the past, I would get all hung up on upcoming dates and hope beyond all reason that on those dates the Legend of Richy Vegas would manifest itself in the real world, in contrast to the place it now mostly resides; in my head.  I often talked about all of the changes I've made over the years to improve my health and the over all quality of my life.  I've quit smoking, drinking, drugs, and I really do try to refrain from pursuing unavailable women.  The attention I try to pay to diet and exercise is an ongoing project, but one I feel I'm making progress on.

So, in regards to my thoughts on the Legend of Richy Vegas becoming manifest in the real world, I have this to say; to say my life would have no real meaning or purpose if such an event did not come to pass would be tantamount to shitting on all of the changes I've made that I mentioned in the above paragraph.  I quit smoking two packs a day over sixteen years ago.  Who knows what kind of shape I would be in today- assuming I were still alive.  I drank pretty heavily and did more than my fair share of drugs.  It's been ten years since I committed to abstinence from all of that.

The times in my life when I really invested in the idea that some date would bring the Legend to life,  I don't think I had as much going for me as I do now.  In 2000 I really got caught up in those thoughts, and that followed a major disappointment that I detail in issue number 4 of my comic book, "Anita, You're the Reason I'm Not In Prison."   Refraining from the pursuit of unavailable women proves as important as any of those other changes, because I'm getting pretty good at dealing with a weird kind of feminine aggression that has bedeviled me for most of my adult life.  The changes I've made in all of those areas makes the idea that life will go on in some way that does not involve the Legend becoming manifest a reasonably attractive proposition.