I said it made me very happy to realize that the former cashier at that grocery store I still patronize actually cared for me.   Well, maybe not.  I ran this latest post up the flagpole, and seemed to score points more for inadvertently making digs at the person she actually is instead of hitting the more hopeful tone of my last post just right.  How can someone really care for me who just wanted to torment me with her continued absence?  Okay, with the aid of some women in my world, she tormented me with her absence.  That all fell by the wayside when I wrote that I'd still love her whether or not she showed.  I stand by that one.  Boy, if she never shows from now on, that'd be fine with me.  I'd still love her, too.

In 1990, I confided to one of my sisters my fixation on Gwen at School of Visual Arts.  She said these deals have a way of playing out.  At a support group meeting at the beginning of June, I said that if she didn't show in a few weeks, okay, that's it.  On the 22nd of June I wrote that last post.  What do you know, her game is played out, in my estimation.   She's got nothing.  She's still just a punk.  And I don't mean a punk like Polly Styrene, or Johnny Rotten, or Joey Ramone, but just an everyday, ordinary punk.  And I made her look bad. I beat her, bad.  Hooray for me!

Look at the last several posts.  One of them said tactics such as her working the perpetual absence angel will work for a while, and  what do you know, it did.  Then one day, that stuff just doesn't work anymore.  What does work for me is to have both my own and her best interests at heart in EVERY move I've made since she started in on me in February, 2019.  Works for me.  She's a punk.  Hooray for me!

I don't know if all I'd been through and the decisions I made along the way can benefit even one other person, but it sure benefitted me.  What to do when one falls for the wrong person seems to concern a lot of people these days.  Remember, my mental illness seemed to put me on a path to personal ruin with this tendency I have, this tendency to fall for the wrong person, and I think I've done very, very well at managing it.

I think that former cashier really cares for me.  I've cared for her for so long now, and I think she's come to care for me.  She may have moved on from me by now, though I kind of doubt that.  There's a persistence and insistence from the women in parts of my world that all seems to point to her.  I could be wrong, but no matter, I'll always love her whether she shows up or not.  I got the feeling that she cares for me just today, and that makes me very happy.

I've decided my number one quality of life issue that I want to address in the coming days, weeks, and months concerns my over tendency to become fearful throughout the course of any given day.  Fearfulness counts as a major symptom of my schizoaffective disorder.  I imagine a lot of people in the schizophrenia spectrum have to deal with fearfulness.  Before my relationship with women, for sure, dealing with my general state of fearfulness will take priority over a lot of other things of that nature for the foreseeable future.

The most significant time I attempted to deal with this problem head on, to the best of my recollection, occurred in the wake of the September 11, 2001 attacks.  Sometime during the following weeks, I read a headline in my online New York Times of an article that said that single New Yorkers felt especially vulnerable after the attacks of 9/11.  Sometime around October 20th of 2001, the gist of that article still resonating with me, I decided that I needed to come up with more constructive ways of dealing with loneliness.  I concluded that a lot of my substance abuse issues had to do with an attempt to cope with loneliness.

That night, on or about October 20th, alone in my efficiency apartment, I decided to refrain from buying beer from the convenience store behind my apartment and clean the place up instead.  I pledged to try to refrain from substance abuse such as smoking pot and drinking alcohol on those nights I found myself alone in my apartment.  As I cleaned up my apartment, and I came to realize with each passing moment that I could stick with that pledge, at least for that night, I started to feel better, safer.

The pledge to refrain from drinking and smoking dope while alone in my apartment proved doable over the next couple of weeks.  After about that long I decided to join a stop smoking support group, because I felt confident enough to give that effort one more try.  The rest, as they say, is history.   I've quit smoking, I've quit drugs and alcohol, and I may have even managed to substantially improve my relationship with women.  It all began with an effort to try to cope with loneliness in more constructive ways.  Now I've come back to the fear that walks hand in hand with loneliness, and I'll just prioritize addressing that issue for now.

I just turned sixty the other day, and I have an enthusiasm for writing and drawing my comics that really takes up a lot of my energy and time.  I'm glad that Im in pretty good health, and that I have an avid interest in something I can really sink my teeth into.  The things that make me feel so fearful: the news events of day such as mass shootings, the war in Gaza, the presidential election, global warming and extreme weather events, I can't do much of anything about that stuff, but I can address the fear that thinking about that kind of stuff can generate in more constructive ways than I utilized before the events of 9/11/2001.

A variety of dating experiences with a variety of women. A lot of people seemed to respond to what I wrote last week about how I approached the dating scene for so long.  The person in my world who may or may not be a friend of that former cashier seemed to be happy to see me, too. I'm no mind reader, of course, but I couldn't help but wonder whether or not this person in my world wanted to act as a stand in for the cashier and reflect how the cashier felt about what I'd written.  Yeah, that approach to the dating scene saved me from trying to be a good guy and working things out with a lot of women who really didn't want anything like that from me.
I gather that a lot of people really want to know what I want with my relationship with women these days.  I get that impression, anyhow.  Yeah, that'll do.  I want a variety of dating experiences with a variety of women.  Maybe this time I'll get a little more action with that mindset this go 'round than I did when I first came up with it.  One can hope.

In 2002, the Travis County mental health system provided a psychiatric resident as a therapist for me.  She was a young, very attractive woman from the Indian subcontinent.  The typical scenario I would have with such a therapist would involve me seeing them for a year, often less.  These residents needed to build up their resume, so they would volunteer themselves as therapists for clients of the county mental health system such as myself.

One day I talked about how I had an interest in dating women.  I was a dateless wonder, as usual, but my approach to how I wanted to go about all of the dating stuff was beginning to take shape.  I told this therapist that I did not want a relationship at that particular time.  She upbraided me.  The gist of her argument would have had me vie for a relationship at all times, no matter what.  I guess she asked me why I wasn't interested in a relationship, and I said something about how I didn't want to get dumped.  She said, "I got dumped recently.  It's not a big deal!"   After our session, and in the years that followed, it became apparent that I knew what I was doing out on the dating scene a lot more than she did.  All I said was that I wasn't ready for a relationship, and somehow that was taboo.

At that time, I was just beginning to put into words the reasons WHY I didn't want a relationship at that time.  She was gone pretty soon after that, but if I had a chance to articulate my position, it would have gone like this.  I want to compile a history with women where I don't get hurt.  I want a variety of dating experiences with a variety of women, all in service of compiling a history with women where I don't get hurt.

This, of course was in response to so much of my history with women up to that point, where I repeatedly vied for a serious, committed relationship with many, many women, and I would up crashing and burning nearly every time.  I won't get into how little I actually wound up getting involved with the object of my desire in so many of these situations, but that was a big part of the problem  too. 

Well, I have compiled a meaningful history with women since 2002 where, for the most part, I did not get hurt, by anyone's standards, probably, not just my own.  I don't see therapists very much, because I lost confidence in them as a resource a long time ago.  I use support groups almost exclusively these days.

Examples of compiling a history with women where I don't get hurt include, recently, that barista at that coffee shop I talked about in my last post, that former cashier I also mentioned in my last post as well, and Schmaylor Schmift.  Yes, that's right, I include Schmaylor Schmift as well.  All post-2002, not one of these experiences were experiences where I got hurt.  Again, by anyone's standards, not just my own.

I can best contrast my mindset and approach to that song by Bette Midler, "The Rose."  I have a Conway Twitty version in my library, so I know it well.  "The Rose" goes on and on about how one needs to always risk it all in order to find love.  That may be fine for some people, but I realized something interesting about that kind of thinking a long time ago.  If one keeps throwing themselves body and soul into "getting" love, and in so doing gets hurt, bad, over and over and over again, what counts as courage after so many of those experiences, assuming one survives those experiences in anything resembling one piece?  Does repeatedly engaging in the same behaviors that seemed to bring about those same bad outcomes still make one a courageous seeker of love, or just some kind of fool?

I think I've found out these past twenty-plus years, that having a more cautious, circumspect frame of mind counts as a more courageous way to go through life than just dong the some old thing over and over again, to a what end I don't even know..  When that former cashier appeared as a customer three months ago at my job, I challenged myself with the question, "What would happen if I just blow this person off?" And so I did.  That road-less-traveled stuff is exactly the kind of thing I employ repeatedly these days, and I personally find the frame of mind that questions every assumption I once held a much more sustainable frame of mind than the heartache, to heartbreak, to madness road to personal ruin that songs like "The Rose" seem to advocate for.

I often talk about these total shit show episodes from my relationship with women.  The vast majority of these experiences occurred in the 1980s and 90s.  Well now, do I have any more RECENT, yet RELEVANT experiences I can draw upon to broaden my frame of reference beyond stuff that happened so long ago?  One that comes to mind involves that barista I checked out about a month and a half to three months ago.  That was no shit show.  We get along fine.  I just concluded that she wanted an admirer more than anything else, and I made my decisions accordingly.  The thing that made such an agenda from a woman towards me in the past such a shit show had to do with my expectations for so much more than that. I  didn't have those expectations so much this time with that barista.  We get along fine.

So, what did I do right?  I remembered how the process of opening myself up went, and how doing things such as going to inexpensive restaurants and the coffee shop to see people seemed to play a big part in opening me up to what might or might not happen with this barista.  I don't regret doing any of that at all.  Oh, by the way, I'm talking about opening myself up to possibilities vis-a-vis that former cashier, whom I've been going on and on about, once again, these days.  The last thing I want to do is try to come up with all sorts of scenarios and motivations involving her and pick them apart.  I'll just try keep a reasonably open mind and heart and see what happens.

I woke up this afternoon feeling frustrated about that former cashier and the continued presence of her absence.  I figure she does stuff such as make herself very, very scarce and inaccessible because it works for her and she really gets something out of  it.  This really pissed me off for a bit.  Then, at around two o'clock this afternoon, I realized that, yeah, that kind of stuff will work for A WHILE, then it gets to the point where it won't work any more.  That perpetually absent love interest stuff stopped working on me at about two o'clock this afternoon, coincidentally.

I also want to say that, yeah, even though she's been someone who has always been a LOT more absent in my life than she's ever been present, I think I still care for her a great deal.  Just because the girl I saw at my job in late February of this year didn't exactly jibe with the mental picture I had of her from the last time I saw her in 2022, that doesn't mean I don't still care for her.  I mean, I have no desire to try to pull off some hook-up level sexual encounter with her just because my heart didn't go "ding-ding-ding" when I saw her a few months ago.  Hey, NOT wanting to treat someone shabbily can really put a guy like me on the road to wanting to treat someone well.  That should count for something.

A couple of posts ago I talked about how waitresses and baristas in my world seemed to not want to interact with me much, and I attributed this perception to a desire of their part to get me to focus my mental energy on this former cashier.  So, if that is true, they are basically putting their own credibility on the line and vouching for this former cashier and implying that she is somehow worth my time and energy.

Okay, time out.  Stop doing this.  Just stop.  Stop!  One example:  Frenchie and his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend had two distinctly different  takes on Kristin and HER supposed ex-boyfriend.  Frenchie's girlfriend, I'll call her Leslie, because that was her name, gave this girl Kristin her ringing endorsement in the winter of 1999/2000.  She did warn me, though, to disregard the guy she always hung out with, her ex-boyfriend.  She  told me not to worry, it wasn't what it looked like.

I asked Frenchie about Kristin after talking a few times with Leslie about her ex-boyfriend, and Frenchie had quite a different take.  He told me that the very ambiguous appearance of what was going on with Kristin and her ex-boyfriend, and the fact that no one really knew whether or not they were really still boyfriend and girlfriend, presented anyone looking into getting to know Kristin better with ample reason to just not even try to get to know her in the first place.

Now, this was around the year 2000.  I still had enough naivete to go ahead and give Kristin enough of a benefit of a doubt to try to talk to her some.  My chance came one Sunday night at the Hole in the Wall.  Or did it?  Kristin and her ex were holding court in the pool room, talking to each other and those around them.  I tried to talk to her, but she seemed to have so much fun interacting and flirting with her "ex" that I couldn't get a word in edgewise.

I couldn't help but remember what Frenchie had told me about how no one really knew whether or not she and this guy were still together, and between what he told me and what I saw with my own eyes, that was enough for me, pretty much. Whatever lingering interest I had in her was never the same after I saw how well Kristin and her ex got along, and how they just couldn't seem to get enough of each other.

Now that's just ONE fucking example of some sketchy broad getting vouched for by a seemingly reliable, credible woman, and yeah, not the only time for me, either. Not by a long shot.  Like I said, my decision to let this former cashier go two and a half years ago SHOULD count for something.  Why it doesn't seems to reflect other people's utter lack of respect for my own judgment about what's in my own best interests than it does any actual credibility and trustworthiness this cashier has managed to EARN in regards to me.  

This former cashier has earned ZERO credibility and ZERO trust from me in how she's interacted with me of late.  The fact that she showed up in my world about three months ago now doesn't really mean shit to me, okay.  That's because when she did show up, she acted as if that was ALL she had to do by that point.  Well, I let go of her in January 2022, to the best of my ability, and I was not inclined to put myself out there on behalf of true love on the two occasions I saw her at my job.

These women in my world would do well, in my opinion, to stop acting on her behalf, if that's what some of them are really doing, and just put it out there that she should just put up or shut up in regards to our whole deal.  Like I said in a post from last weekend, I had very good reasons for "shooting myself in the foot" when I revealed that I no longer feel the same way about her that I used to.  I have ZERO interest in a supposed "opportunity" to hook up with someone I no longer feel I care for.  Stop advocating for her.  Just stop.  It's up to her and her alone to advocate for herself if she has any interest in continuing this insane bullshit.   

I'll give the current deal with this former cashier a few more weeks to shake out.  Why do I think that?  What if she doesn't show up in a timely, credible manner?  Couldn't I just go on all hung out to dry for a lot longer than a few more weeks?   Why do I think she won't be able to get away with that?  Baristas, waitresses, and other attractive women my world, that's why.  She may think she has a vested interest in stringing me along by not showing up, but these other women, most likely, won't think that THEY have a vested interest in allowing her to do that.  I have enough faith in these women that I think they would HATE to see this girl abuse whatever power she thinks the continued presence of her absence may give her.  I think plenty of them would be willing to let me know that it's time for me to move on.  SOONER rather than LATER, too.  If I'm wrong to put my faith in these waitress, barista, and grocery store employee types, then I'll figure it out myself soon enough to satisfy me.

I get the weirdest impression that the attractive women in my world, which consist almost exclusively of, 'sigh,' waitresses and baristas at food service establishments I patronize, don't want to interact with me much for a specific reason.  That reason being the former cashier.  Okay, maybe I'm just projecting my inner world onto these women, who may not even know of this alleged situation.  That tendency I have to project my inner world onto people around me may be in play here, but there, I'll said it anyway.  The reason this or that waitress or barista is so cool to me is because they want my attention focused on that former cashier. How'd I do?  Do I need to go on any further about her?  I let her go over two years ago.  I let her go because it was too painful for me to hang around that situation.  It was my right to do so, and it should count for something.  It should.  It counts with me, because I no longer feel the same way about her that I once did.  If this former cashier wants to talk to me directly about the situation, or about the price of tea in China instead, that'd be fine.  Meanwhile, I'll try to find someone else to talk to, if that's okay with you.