One of my biggest problems in my relationship with women over the years has to do with women giving off the appearance of an interest in getting to know me better and going on dates with me and possibly going further than that, but I later found out they had some other agenda that had nothing to do with being my girlfriend.  "Katy" just wanted to prove how much better she was than me.  She told me she loved me on a New Year's Eve date in 1984/85 after I confessed my virgin status to her.  She didn't really want to be my girlfriend, though.  Things happened with that one.  Veronica, later on in 1985, just wanted male attention from someone she didn't have to take seriously after a painful breakup with her live in boyfriend.  Yep, stuff happened there, too.  "Wanda" wanted the acceptance and approval of the male half of a couple who kind of presided over that particular clique of friends.  Yep, some shit went down there, too.

I'm not emphasizing the fact that bad things happened in these situations to say that these women deserved how I treated them.  I want to emphasize how these episodes point to my lack of a skill set in rooting out these ulterior motives these young women had in showing some kind of interest in me.  I didn't start to acquire a skill set in rooting this shit out until Sara in 1988.  I didn't know exactly where Sara was coming from with her interest in me.  That didn't come until years after I'd made what I thought proved a very intelligent decision to cut her loose during the summer of 1988.  I found out in 1992 that Sara, if she was bisexual at all, leaned towards favoring the gay side of the bisexual coin, so to speak.   Again, I had no idea about that in 1988, I just didn't like the way she and her friends treated me, so that formed the basis of a decision where, again, she has no cause to complain about how I treated her to this day.  To clarify, I think Sara was a virgin at the time I had dealings with her in 1988, but that her issues with her sexuality and possibly the need to keep up appearances with, say, her family, compelled her to eventually look my way for some of what she felt she needed.

A couple of months ago, while discussing this famous woman with my psychiatrist, I had to choke back sobs and compose myself enough to articulate my main concerns about her.  My main concern about her involves the idea that she wants to see an appearance by my supposed alter ego, Richy Vegas.  Jeezus, that still creeps me out to even consider that possibility.  I thought about holding my tongue until this person showed for real for a couple of reasons.  1)  If I get so star struck encountering her, for real, that Richy Vegas makes an appearance, well, that might not be so bad after all.  2)  If I encounter her in real life and Richy Vegas doesn't come out, and I find out that she was just after that sort of thing all along... gotcha!

This blog forum provides one of the few ways I can get stuff such as this ulterior motive question off of my chest.  So here it is.  I don't think an entity that has proved its love for me and those whose paths I've crossed over the years would ever set about making that love a CONDITION of me meeting someone such as this famous woman's possible expectations of seeing an appearance by Richy Vegas.  Furthermore, I don't care about a "gotcha" moment going down, if that is indeed this person's agenda.  I'd just as soon have enough emotional and physical distance between myself and such a person with such an agenda to best provide for my ability to make intelligent decisions about them regarding their agenda.  If seeing an appearance by Richy Vegas is really what this person is after, I'd be okay with giving them a fair warning to not even THINK about getting near me with that shit.  Not that I'm worried about how I might react.  I never acted badly towards Sara, or Jenna, or that virgin girl, or her buddy, or that last cashier at that same grocery store.  I don't think I would behave badly towards her.  I'd just as soon never even meet this person, if that's the main thing on her plate.  I don't care who is putting her up to it.

People may object that I bring issues such as this up on this blog, but what are my choices?  From her, I get nothing but radio silence.  No back and forth communication any rational thinking person would recognize as back and forth communication.  I will write this entry, post it, and go out into my world hoping I can read something in the figurative tea leaves at the bottom of the cup.   The tea leaves in question consisting of the everyday interactions with this barista, that waitress, or that other cashier at the grocery store I see from time to time. That's not two people communicating.  That could just signify the sound of one hand clapping, so to speak.  In other words, these minor, incidental interactions I have with those in my world, coupled with my interpretations of a subtext to these interactions, could just amount to me projecting the thoughts of my inner world upon these minor interactions with this barista, or that waitress, or that other cashier.

A definite upside to a post such as this, the way I see it, would reside in the notion that this famous woman might ACTUALLY  read this, and have enough tact and consideration to just leave me be, and never come around at all.  For me, a post such as this having that effect would give me a shining example of an acceptable way to solve such a dilemma that might just prove the most constructive solution to the problem of what this person is really after, and how do I address that dilemma.  Sure, if this person just had the decency to get lost after reading this, I might have questions about how "real" this all was, but on the other hand, she can't complain about how I behaved towards her.  I'm willing to take the chance that just speaking my mind about all of this, right here and right now, might turn out all for the best.   I like myself enough to face the prospect that I will just do shitty, part-time, menial work to help with the other sources income I have until I'm like, seventy-five years old, and maybe wind up in some Medicaid funded nursing home with my broke ass, as long as I don't have to put up with trying to fulfill some never-encountered, famous woman's insanely unrealistic expectations of me.

I like having a collection of constructive, sustainable examples of where I let some woman or other know they can just buzz off with any agenda they might have that has nothing to do with going on a date with me, being my girlfriend, or any of that.  In 2017, a former neighbor of mine ran into me in Vulcan Video.  She tried to bring across the idea that she had an interest in getting me to ask her out, or ask her for contact info, or whatever.  I was there to rent a movie, not jump through some woman's hoops.  Especially someone who used to live next door to me for, like, a year and a half.  Someone I invited to a party while she lived next door, and how during that party I saw her in her living room eating her dinner and not coming over to say hi at all.  Funny how it always seems to come down to me jumping through hoops with some women, no matter what has transpired between us before.  Anyway, I just stood there while she small talked with me at Vulcan Video that night, just to see what happened when I refused to take the bait.

It took me four years of knocking that encounter around in my head to come up with the notion that, had I gone ahead and asked her out or whatnot, I might have gone on one, maybe two dates with her before she quickly lost interest in me.  That was the "damned if I do/ damned if I don't" nature of that particular dilemma she presented to me that night.  I chose damned if I don't.  And I want to emphasize, this incident serves as more as an example for myself, rather than some demonstration to the world of my superiority to her.  I think that posting the issue I've had with this famous woman on this blog will serve me in much the same way, in that it means something more to me personally than some gaudy, mean-spirited, public kiss off gesture by me to this famous woman somewhere out in the world would.  I'm really trying to act in her best interests as well.

And yeah, it WOULD strike me as HILARIOUS that, after all this famous person has put me through, it somehow, someway, comes down to ME jumping through HER hoops in some way or other.  In my younger days, those kinds of unchecked aspirations on the part of the Wandas or whomever I dealt with just led to trouble.  It's been a LONG, LONG time since that kind of trouble for me, and  that kind of trouble will never happen for me again, if I have anything to say about it.

I saw a therapist a few weeks ago about this issue, but I've decided, for a couple of different reasons, to hold off on more therapy for the next several weeks.  One reason has to do with how I felt the need to prostrate my mentally ill ass before the therapist and talk about what a piece of mentally ill shit I was for thinking the thoughts I thunk in the first place about this famous woman.  I just felt as if, to bring that therapist up to speed, I had to explain my personal mental illness situation and put that into the context of my thoughts about this famous, ostensibly unavailable woman whom I've never met, and how I nonetheless feel I have issues that concern me about her. The therapist brought up a care scenario that would involve a LOT more attention paid to me in a mental illness treatment setting.  She talked about the hazards to me of cyberstalking this woman, etc.  'Ugh!'  I'll wait a bit before I get into all of that again.  No one can put the mental illness stigma on someone like their friends, family, caregivers, etc., because these are typically the people a mentally ill person relies on the most for support.

S-o-o-o, here we are again.  The vibe I'm picking up in my own personal "psychoverse" says it's still, possibly, about this famous person for me.  Like I said in my post of last week, I see this phenomena as God giving me PLENTY of chances to get such a person right.  This particular person, as of this writing, is one of the busiest people in the arts and entertainment industry right now, and if it really is about her, and if God really wants for me to get her right, I would do well to take this business this person has going on now into consideration.  Okay, I will.

If I meet some other woman I like in the foreseeable future, I would just offer her the same deal I stand prepared to offer this famous person.  The deal says that we could go on dates without consummating our mutual attraction to each other until about two to four months have passed.  The reason I stood willing to offer this deal to this famous woman has to do with how I felt I had to thwart her initial desires to play a malevolent role in my world, and for me to reconcile this favorable standing with her in which I now find myself, I would need at least a two to four month probationary period where we got to know each other and see if we indeed liked each other enough to take things to a more intimate place.

I would make this probationary period offer to someone else for different reasons than I make the offer to the famous woman, but the offer, should someone take it, would serve me well, I think.  We could show affection for each other in the form of hugging, kissing, cuddling, that sort of thing.  Plus, I could have someone who's at least accessible and I could talk to and hang out with.  And I could give this famous person some more time to show themselves.  If the as-of-now-nonexistent other woman didn't want to honor my request, and instead wanted to consummate things in the manner of say, 1973, i.e., right away, they could take that shit somewhere else.  I'm just doing the best I can.

If some weeks or months (months Schmaylor, really? 'Aargh!') pass and this famous woman STILL hasn't shown, and things are STILL on with this as-of-now-nonexistent other woman, then I can safely assume, I think, that all of that famous woman stuff resided in my head, or I got "better deal'd" by the famous person, or some weird combination of those two factors, plus maybe some others.  Like I said: I often feel as if God wants me to get someone such as Schmaylor right.  What "getting her right" entails, exactly, I don't know, but, as of right now, she's back on the table.

 Once more with feeling, God's giving me PLENTY of chances to get these deals I get in with these ostensibly unavailable women right.  This latest encounter with the great monster that is these deals, in the form of that deal involving the famous woman I've never met, the famous woman I may be experiencing a kind of meta-hallucination about, just drives home this epiphany I had sometime in 2016 about these kinds of deals I get in with these kinds of women.

It's true, I did not always conduct myself in an exemplary manner in my younger days when faced with the kinds of no-win dilemmas involving these ostensibly unavailable women.  And so, like some figure in Greek mythology, I'm fated to field these unavailable women dilemmas up to this current day, a couple of months past my fifty-ninth birthday.  For all I know, God will just continue to throw up these kinds of women in my face until I die, get really infirm, or just get so old I lose interest in women all together.

It's not THAT ignominious a fate.  I feel good emotionally right now, and I'm pretty happy right now, now that I realize that this (probably) was-current/now-former dilemma involving this famous woman is just God fucking with me, again.  That's fine.  Like I said, realizing that makes me happy.

I want to emphasize; I ALMOST NEVER go on dates with, much less date, women such as this famous person.  And that's true even when I lump this famous woman in the same category as that former cashier.  Did I go out with that former cashier?  N-o-o-o!  They both belong in exactly the same category of women that God definitely seems to want me have EVERY POSSIBLE opportunity to get right.

I have EVERY reason to believe that I will, once more with feeling, face the same kinds of opportunities with future, ostensibly unavailable women once this particular unavailable woman is no longer a thing to me, which might have started happening yesterday, when this central epiphany hit me once more.  My expert handling of this most recent dilemma should encourage PLENTY more women to follow suit, just as my expert handling of those dilemmas flung at me by that former cashier may have encouraged that famous woman in the first place.

People talk about men in America and other countries being in crisis these days.  Right now, I don't feel as if I'm in a crisis over my relationship with women.  I don't feel lost.  Do I actually know how to actually pick up those hottie types?  No.  Is my morale sky high as of yesterday evening?  Absolutely!

As of yesterday evening, my path regarding that famous woman lies before me clearly and unobstructed.  God has shown me the way. No more crises of,  "What is going on?," "Why is this happening to me, again?," "What am I supposed to think about all of this?," or "What am I supposed to do about all of that?"  It's all in focus now.  I will do what God wants and get this person right, employing a pretty damn viable frame of reference that, in this case, probably just involves letting any ideas I have about getting with this woman just go by the wayside.   No grand gestures for this one, most likely, unlike that former cashier.  How can I, no access at all to this one. I'm too old to post a video on YouTube asking her to the prom. Yes, handling this affair in my usual exemplary manner will only encourage others, but if that's what the almighty wants, who am I to question such a will?

Here's page 8 in note card and thumbnail form.  That is, this is page 8 from part THREE of "Richy Vegas, the Serial Killer Hound."  "RichyVegas the Serial Killer Hound" will appear in issues 3,4,5, and 6 of Tales from the Richy Vegas Psychoverse. I will draw and write a second set of thumbnails from the first set, and then do the finished artwork on Bristol paper.  I will interrupt the production of this series after I complete the second set of thumbnails and turn my attention to illustrating issue 29 of Richy Vegas Comics.​

As per usual, I've put some more images from this issue behind a paywall on my Patreon page.  These three pages I've posted here try to convey a sense of how I felt and thought during a psychotic episode at my busboy job in late October of 1985.

I tried to convey how the din of the crowd in the busy restaurant that night amplified the chaos going on inside of me.

As is obvious to anyone who's read these blog posts of these past several months, my mind and  heart have assigned love interest status to that famous woman I've gone on and on about for that time.  Now, I will make it official.  If anyone wants to see what can happen when I consciously acknowledge that a woman is my love interest, they need look no further than how things shook out with that former cashier who, unfortunately, didn't seem to love me back.  I think I managed my end of it pretty well with that one, thank you, and I have every expectation that I will manage my situation regarding this famous woman at least nearly as well if not equally as well. I honestly think things stand in a non-adversarial place regarding that famous woman now, which puts her at least one up on that former cashier.

What compelled me to declare this status for this young woman has to do with the situation I find myself in now.  She's one of the busiest, most occupied people in the arts and entertainment industry right now, and seeing as how she's now my official love interest, I can imagine that my current situation could serve as a preview of coming attractions. I'm left to my own devices on the home front while she could be off on some tour or shooting some movie or some such shit as that.  Might as well make the best of it.  Officially declaring her my love interest will afford her the same courtesies and considerations I conferred on that former cashier.

If she fails to shake out as anything to me, well, the way I look at it now, it might just mean that SHE failed the very test she wanted to put ME through.  That would amount to a really fine development, would it not?   But, it wouldn't be the first time in history for me or anyone else that a love interest has come up short.  Can't be helped if that's the case, I suppose.

This sequence will give you the gist of how this story goes.  I posted the last ten pages or so of this issue behind the paywall on Patreon.  The Patreon link is on this website.

This sequence from issue 10 of Richy Vegas Comics illustrates one of the most formative incidents in my life in how I think about and relate to a lot of women I had and still have an attraction to.  I put the conclusion of this strory arc behind a paywall on my Patreon page.