I'm not emphasizing the fact that bad things happened in these situations to say that these women deserved how I treated them. I want to emphasize how these episodes point to my lack of a skill set in rooting out these ulterior motives these young women had in showing some kind of interest in me. I didn't start to acquire a skill set in rooting this shit out until Sara in 1988. I didn't know exactly where Sara was coming from with her interest in me. That didn't come until years after I'd made what I thought proved a very intelligent decision to cut her loose during the summer of 1988. I found out in 1992 that Sara, if she was bisexual at all, leaned towards favoring the gay side of the bisexual coin, so to speak. Again, I had no idea about that in 1988, I just didn't like the way she and her friends treated me, so that formed the basis of a decision where, again, she has no cause to complain about how I treated her to this day. To clarify, I think Sara was a virgin at the time I had dealings with her in 1988, but that her issues with her sexuality and possibly the need to keep up appearances with, say, her family, compelled her to eventually look my way for some of what she felt she needed.
A couple of months ago, while discussing this famous woman with my psychiatrist, I had to choke back sobs and compose myself enough to articulate my main concerns about her. My main concern about her involves the idea that she wants to see an appearance by my supposed alter ego, Richy Vegas. Jeezus, that still creeps me out to even consider that possibility. I thought about holding my tongue until this person showed for real for a couple of reasons. 1) If I get so star struck encountering her, for real, that Richy Vegas makes an appearance, well, that might not be so bad after all. 2) If I encounter her in real life and Richy Vegas doesn't come out, and I find out that she was just after that sort of thing all along... gotcha!
This blog forum provides one of the few ways I can get stuff such as this ulterior motive question off of my chest. So here it is. I don't think an entity that has proved its love for me and those whose paths I've crossed over the years would ever set about making that love a CONDITION of me meeting someone such as this famous woman's possible expectations of seeing an appearance by Richy Vegas. Furthermore, I don't care about a "gotcha" moment going down, if that is indeed this person's agenda. I'd just as soon have enough emotional and physical distance between myself and such a person with such an agenda to best provide for my ability to make intelligent decisions about them regarding their agenda. If seeing an appearance by Richy Vegas is really what this person is after, I'd be okay with giving them a fair warning to not even THINK about getting near me with that shit. Not that I'm worried about how I might react. I never acted badly towards Sara, or Jenna, or that virgin girl, or her buddy, or that last cashier at that same grocery store. I don't think I would behave badly towards her. I'd just as soon never even meet this person, if that's the main thing on her plate. I don't care who is putting her up to it.
People may object that I bring issues such as this up on this blog, but what are my choices? From her, I get nothing but radio silence. No back and forth communication any rational thinking person would recognize as back and forth communication. I will write this entry, post it, and go out into my world hoping I can read something in the figurative tea leaves at the bottom of the cup. The tea leaves in question consisting of the everyday interactions with this barista, that waitress, or that other cashier at the grocery store I see from time to time. That's not two people communicating. That could just signify the sound of one hand clapping, so to speak. In other words, these minor, incidental interactions I have with those in my world, coupled with my interpretations of a subtext to these interactions, could just amount to me projecting the thoughts of my inner world upon these minor interactions with this barista, or that waitress, or that other cashier.
A definite upside to a post such as this, the way I see it, would reside in the notion that this famous woman might ACTUALLY read this, and have enough tact and consideration to just leave me be, and never come around at all. For me, a post such as this having that effect would give me a shining example of an acceptable way to solve such a dilemma that might just prove the most constructive solution to the problem of what this person is really after, and how do I address that dilemma. Sure, if this person just had the decency to get lost after reading this, I might have questions about how "real" this all was, but on the other hand, she can't complain about how I behaved towards her. I'm willing to take the chance that just speaking my mind about all of this, right here and right now, might turn out all for the best. I like myself enough to face the prospect that I will just do shitty, part-time, menial work to help with the other sources income I have until I'm like, seventy-five years old, and maybe wind up in some Medicaid funded nursing home with my broke ass, as long as I don't have to put up with trying to fulfill some never-encountered, famous woman's insanely unrealistic expectations of me.
I like having a collection of constructive, sustainable examples of where I let some woman or other know they can just buzz off with any agenda they might have that has nothing to do with going on a date with me, being my girlfriend, or any of that. In 2017, a former neighbor of mine ran into me in Vulcan Video. She tried to bring across the idea that she had an interest in getting me to ask her out, or ask her for contact info, or whatever. I was there to rent a movie, not jump through some woman's hoops. Especially someone who used to live next door to me for, like, a year and a half. Someone I invited to a party while she lived next door, and how during that party I saw her in her living room eating her dinner and not coming over to say hi at all. Funny how it always seems to come down to me jumping through hoops with some women, no matter what has transpired between us before. Anyway, I just stood there while she small talked with me at Vulcan Video that night, just to see what happened when I refused to take the bait.
It took me four years of knocking that encounter around in my head to come up with the notion that, had I gone ahead and asked her out or whatnot, I might have gone on one, maybe two dates with her before she quickly lost interest in me. That was the "damned if I do/ damned if I don't" nature of that particular dilemma she presented to me that night. I chose damned if I don't. And I want to emphasize, this incident serves as more as an example for myself, rather than some demonstration to the world of my superiority to her. I think that posting the issue I've had with this famous woman on this blog will serve me in much the same way, in that it means something more to me personally than some gaudy, mean-spirited, public kiss off gesture by me to this famous woman somewhere out in the world would. I'm really trying to act in her best interests as well.
And yeah, it WOULD strike me as HILARIOUS that, after all this famous person has put me through, it somehow, someway, comes down to ME jumping through HER hoops in some way or other. In my younger days, those kinds of unchecked aspirations on the part of the Wandas or whomever I dealt with just led to trouble. It's been a LONG, LONG time since that kind of trouble for me, and that kind of trouble will never happen for me again, if I have anything to say about it.