This situation I've gone on about for these past couple of weeks involving this young woman at this business has at least three possible explanations of how it started in the first place.  One explanation involves the notion that it all resides in my head;  that I just mistakenly got the impression that other female employees at the business wanted to give me the impression that I had done something wrong in going on my way and not patronizing this business when I knew this young woman would work there.  I mean, nobody ever came out and told me to go to this woman and let her know she could count on me etc.  I'm not a mind reader either, so maybe I just had a crazy idea in my head come from nowhere.  Another possibility involves the notion that my decision to not be around  this person anymore really put her into a distressed state of mind due to this situation with the coronavirus.  That may hold some truth, but I still have the right to go on my way if I wish.  That leads to my third possible scenario.  The third possible scenario involves the notion that this young woman just wanted our old deal back.  So, I would get the impression that she really wants me patronizing her business when I would know her to work there so she could have something of the life she had before all this shit hit the fan.  Not unlikely, but I don't particularly like the idea of going back to the old deal. 

The old deal just involved me admiring her from afar, while she pretty much got to do whatever she wanted in the conduct of her personal affairs.  Not much in the old deal for me.  I guess I might write more stuff about her from time to time, and that made up a lot of the old deal, but I don't particularly want to show up at her place of employment when I knew her to work there as of a couple of months ago.  My distress over her supposed distress involved the thought that she wanted something more than the old deal in place, and that "all" I had to do was show up at her job and try to get face time with her and try to get something going.  Those posts of the past two weeks about following my buddha revealed a distressed state of mind on my part over my next course of action.  I feel a lot more calm about my stated course of action- to refrain from trying to see her- particularly after I articulated in my mind the notion that this little so-and-so just wanted things to remain the same.  

I don't really care to speculate on this forum what she might have moved on to by now.  I don't know if she still works there, and I don't really care to find that out.  I hope she enjoys good health and that her loved ones, both family and friends, are all in good shape as well.  I think those closer to her would find themselves in a better position to give her whatever sort of support she needs to get through during this time than I can.  That's about all i have to say.

The hardest thing for someone like me to face up to in situations such as the one I found myself in with this young woman of this past year involves the prospect that she felt nothing for me at all.   Well, i will now talk about that prospect.  If that idea holds any truth, that she felt nothing for me, I can say this: That she can't complain about how I treated her.  I never talked to her in real life or so much as gave her the time of day in that sense.  It became important how I would up treating such women in the years when things would come back to bite me in the ass.  She can't complain about how I treated her, I'm sure.  She can't.

Me, I'm just following my buddha.  If I've managed to come up with any meaningful insights about myself and this young woman in the past week of these posts or so, that insight did not come from going into her place of employment and getting up in her face and trying to make her over into something she doesn't want to be.  It's come from following my buddha.  I just asked my buddha what to do now.  My buddha said to stay on my current path.  Don't go into her place of employment when I knew her to work there some two months ago now, just continue as I am.  If I'm to stick to my vow to not fuck with her in any wanna-be-her-boyfriend-right-now sense, than staying on my path continues to serve as my means sticking to that vow. 

I said last year that I didn't want to sign on for any Unavailable Woman Deal.  An Unavailable Woman Deal consists of the following.  I bend over backwards to try to accommodate the notion of such a person in my head and my heart and try to come up with a solution that benefits us both and that those around us find agreeable, and in exchange for my efforts, the other party gets to do whatever the hell they want.  Going into her place of employment when I think she might still work there, and I don't know if she still works there or not, going into her place of employment to try to make something, anything, happen with her constitutes an effort on my part to bend over backwards somehow.  At least I see it that way.

She can still do whatever the hell she wants.  If she just wants to leave me be on my pretentious little buddha path and not try to get any closer to me as a platonic friend even, well, that suits me fine.  I like her the way she is and I will never forget her if a decision such as that comes to pass from her.

I think about her all the time.  But, dig, here's a story.  In September of 1991 Jenna showed up at Patrick's party with her boyfriend in tow.  A hole opened up in my heart the second I saw her with that guy.  Later, I just sat by myself and drank and fumed.  Some joker put on "Orgasm Addict" by the Buzzcocks and I took offense.  But, here's the thing, I love the Buzzcocks and that album, and so I cranked up the jams and sat there and drank by myself and jammed some more.

Finally, after the record finished on the first side, I went out to the porch and got a beer.  Andrea, an old coworker from G/M Steakhouse, sat near the keg.  We started talking, and long story short, my outburst directed at Jenna went, "Well, since you're not supposed to be here, you have to pay!  Yeah, you have to pay!"  I put the second side of Singles Going Steady on, sat back on the couch, and fumed with the jams some more.

In the days that followed, what seemed to Sam and Davey like a desperate hail-mary of an accusation towards Jenna seemed to resonate.  Jenna broke up with that boyfriend and started paying attention to me.  Well, everything just went downhill from there, and I degenerated into diagnosis and treatment the following Summer, 1992.  

I think about that, "You're not supposed to be here, so you have to pay," statement now when I think of this girl.  If it's true that she thinks of me so much that she wants to hurt me for that, well.  I like her, I really do, but maybe the best course of action remains the physical distance between us.  If she thinks about me to the point of getting emotionally claustrophobic at inopportune times, then maybe my best course of action would involve staying the fuck away from her.

I've said in past posts that women may obsess on me a lot more than I know.  I don't know if that's true, but maybe so.   I could see being platonic friends with this girl, but that's about it.  If she wants counseling for her problems, she should see a professional.  I've lost hope of finding competent counseling for my problems, but often women, especially attractive young women with all sorts of dating options, can do a lot better, I think.  I hated how therapists always talked about relationships, relationships, relationships, as some sort of panacea (cure-all) for whatever ailed me in my relationship with women.  I've come to view this constant push in that direction by therapists in regards to my dilemmas as very inappropriate counseling.  I mean, look at who I'm preoccupied with now.   I don't think an intimate relationship between myself and this young woman would cure a damn thing in either of us.  But, seeing as how I've been someone who has found themselves extremely preoccupied with this type in my adult life, yet never really dated such a person as her, who am I to judge?  An example of sarcasm. 

I've come to view platonic relationships between myself and women as one way streets.  Either the attraction goes from me towards this friend without any coming back, or it's the other way around.  In her case, I would have to find myself honor bound to not fuck with her to the point where...oh, fuck me.  I don't know.  I don't know if I could pull that off.

This young woman I still write about these days does not represent the only unavailable woman in my world.  But, and I want people to pay attention to this: My ability to deal effectively with such an unavailable woman as her seems to inoculate me against getting bummed out over any other type of unavailable woman in my world.

The category of unavailable woman she falls under presents the worst strain of these types that I have to deal with on a regular basis.  From  the very start, I suspected her of coming at me with an agenda that had nothing to do with love, girlfriends, sex, dating, relationships, companionship, or anything like that.  I suspected her of trying to make a conquest of me, and whatever that would entail.  I don't know much more than that of her early intentions, though I suspected her of trying to go on some kind of crusade on behalf of women everywhere or some such shit like that.  I think, at best, her intentions morphed into just wanting "free" male attention from me, which might represent where she comes from nowadays, if indeed she still lurks on the periphery of my world.   Free male attention falls under a category of attention that she does not have to reciprocate in any way.  Well, here's your free male attention, honey.  Take it or leave it.

Anyway, in dealing effectively with such a one as her, other types of unavailable women and the dilemmas such situations present don't send me into a tailspin like they used to.  Not at all.  Some other types of unavailable women include: Someone who doesn't return a phone call or message or two.  I can just let that type go.  Someone who seems really ideal in terms of both looks and personality, but has a serious boyfriend.  Someone whom I may have had an opportunity with at some time, but the opportunity no longer exists.  Someone awesome in a lot of ways, and someone whom I know at times enjoys single status, but who wants me in the dreaded friend zone with them at those times.  The list goes on and on.  I just don't have the same fits of depression or despair over any of those types of unavailable women any more than I do over the more predatory types.  In fact, pretty much all of those other types represent women who just want to live their lives and not try to go around hurting me in any way, so I tend to not get bummed out in the least over those other types anymore at all.  

I guess that's because the predatory types are such assholes, and  since I know how to deal with them for the most part, even they don't bum me out all that much, so therefore I'm okay just letting those more relatable types go, and that's usually the end of it.  Wow, that's true.  The ones who don't have some fucked up agenda with me I can just decide to let go of and it's a done deal, but the asshole predatory types are pretty much the only ones who persist in their bullshit.  So let me see if I've got this right.  The more predatory types can persist, but the more relatable, likable types just stay let go of once I let them go.   

Hmmm, let me think about this.  I've had women I've rejected persist to some extent.  That is, they may still call me after some time and want to get together or whatnot, but the more predatory types just seem to persist in trying to tie me up in knots.  A simple but polite rebuff usually suffices for someone who may have a genuine interest in me, but the more predatory types are a whole 'nother
kettle of fish in degree of intensity and whatnot.  That's it.  But yeah, women who had an interest in me, but that I rejected for whatever reason, are not in any category of unavailable women.  That means that only the predatory unavailable women represent the only unavailable women I find it necessary to say no to again, and again, and again. 

Specifically, here I will present some stories that clearly illustrate that my performance in regards to this young woman in question met my own expectations, and how that means I can walk away with a clean conscience and not feel the need to capitulate to anyone's pressure to try to do more than I've already done.  Oh well, I'll tell just one story. It's late and I want to lie down in bed.

Last fall I posted a picture of me giving the finger.  I meant to imply that I wanted to give finger to this young woman in question.  The post had to do with the notion that I did not care to buy into the idea that she liked me at the time.  I remained skeptical that someone who had, in my belief, come at me in an adversarial manner initially, became converted to liking me and wanted to work things out.  So, I posted a picture of me giving the finger.  I got the impression that one or more parties at this person's place of employment thought that a low class move.  So, I took the post down, and put some up saying that I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  

In the weeks that followed, I posted stuff that tried to strike a similarly conciliatory tone.  One post included a recommendation that people listen to two songs by the Jam, "Man In the Corner Shop," and, "Town Called Malice."  Things looked okay, and I felt as if things could work out in some reasonable way with this young woman.  I didn't know specifically what would happen or how things would work out, but the possibility of things going peacefully seemed in play.

Well, in early December, I got the impression things didn't go my way, in the dating sense, and that I was made to know about it for some reason.  That's about all i have to say without going into specifics.  Okay, so I just let go of any notion that I wanted to talk to this person or get to know them better, and the new year came, and I wondered in a post if this person even liked me.  I then wrote the post about how it seemed to me as if myself and this young woman had come to a crossroads; a crossroads where I went my own way, and she could go her own way.  Then the coronavirus emergency hit, and here we are.

A few weeks ago I get the impression that some female employees at this young woman's job thought I had done something wrong by going my own way.  Okay.  Well, here's the thing: My gesture of conciliation towards this young woman last Fall was good enough for me, even if it wasn't good enough for her.  By my reckoning, if me and this young woman ever were to date, that SHOULD have been good enough to get things going, but it wasn't.  I suppose she just found someone she liked better, and I suggest she do the same now, if she hasn't already done so. 

In my last post I theorized that the young woman I've gone on at length about might not, after all this time, even know whether or not she even likes me.  I think about that statement, and, if the truth lies there, she holds a pretty reasonable position on that score.  I haven't exactly gone out of my way to talk to her or interact with her in any meaningful way.  Why would she know whether or not she even liked me?  She doesn't even know me.

For my part, I associate her with so many women in my past whom I considered to be "the one."  Well, I'm spending this coronavirus time by myself, so much for all of those before I labeled as the one.  So yeah, I imagine getting all up in these women's faces and trying to make them over into what ever characteristics I considered the one to have might tend to drive even the best of women away.  Did I have the best that the female of the species has to offer to work with?  I guess not, but then again, who does?  I noticed a long time ago that the attractive young women who had serious boyfriends all seemed ideal somehow when I compared them to a lot of equally attractive women who might have found themselves single for a time.

What to do now?  Yeah, I like this person a lot better now than I have in a long time.  But, I think I'm just going to stick to my guns.  At my age, I'm just grateful to discover a measure of inner peace about her and women in my past from the, I hope, valid insight I think I've gained about this woman over these past couple of days.

Maybe she's dated the men she's dated instead of me because she genuinely likes them better than she likes me.  Again, not an unreasonable place for her to come from.  For my part, I'm pretty happy following my buddha.  I called this path the son of a bitch path the other day, but maybe I mischaracterized this path.  Maybe not.  At any rate, I shall dance with them that brung me, and stay on it.  So, I wish her luck in her job, but the changes I made in relation to her place of employment- if she still works there- will probably remain.

Okay, here it is.  Two doors.  One door has ornate metal-work scenes that depict the paradise that supposedly lies within if I just have the courage to go for it, open it, and go through it.  But, so often in my life, I've found this ornately ornamented door -think of 
Ghiberti's doors in Florence- to have a solid brick wall on the other side when I opened it.  The other door looks drab and unexciting, more like the door to a utility closet.  One doesn't imagine it takes courage to choose that door over Ghiberti's door, but it really does, and I've found so much more behind that door in my life that I ever did behind Ghiberti's door. Maybe I won't find much of anything behind the utility closet door this time; yeah, maybe I should go try to see this young woman and talk to her and maybe even approach her for social reasons this one time; but...yeah.

Over two months ago I threw off a paragraph about the young woman in question that challenged any notion that she liked me at all.  I said that people get divorced over such issues after many years of marriage.  I do believe that a lot of truth does reside in those statements I tossed off at the end of a post about Judo or my book or whatever.

The answer to the $64,000 question regarding this young woman seems to center around this notion of whether she even likes me or not.  The answer I came up with not thirty minutes ago is......she doesn't really know whether she likes me or not either.  That would explain this desire she seems to possess to have me perform to some expectations that I supposedly guess her to have for me.  She doesn't know either.  Well, ain't that a sonofabitch.  

She may have trouble forming emotional attachments to the men she does wind up dating.  I don't know.  For my part, I never learned a damn thing about these kinds of women when I would chase them to the ends of the Earth and back.  The only way I ever seemed to gain any meaningful insight into these kinds of women resulted from going in some direction away from them.

Know this people, that simple-yet-hard-to-arrive-at conclusion would explain a lot of women in my past.  A lot of really bad experiences can result from that kind of uh, ambiguity, ambivalence, what's the word I'm looking for?  Oh well, I had a teacher at SVA who threw off the line,"At least artists can live with ambiguity."  I don't know if that's true in my case, but dig, I've been scratching my head over this one for over a year.  My tactic of putting out a big no to this whole deal and not doing much of anything about this problem seems to point to an ability on my part to, yeah, live with ambiguity.

I guess that someone like her can find it hard for people around her to accept her if this guess I'm putting out there contains some real truth.  Speaking for myself, part of me always cared for this person and possessed a great deal of fondness for her.  I wish her the best, but still, I can see why any demands I might make that she reach out to me seem pretty pointless in light of this guess I'm putting out there.  And, I hope those people out there can understand if I don't feel much of an obligation to perform some grand gesture of love on this person's behalf.

I don't want to talk about this person, but I guess I will break my silence on her for this post.  I wrote a couple of months ago that myself and this young woman I've written about since last Summer or thereabouts found ourselves at a crossroads.  At this crossroads, I wrote, I would go my own way, and she could go hers.  Boy, talk about prophecy.  The coronavirus hit a couple of weeks later, and society as we knew it became all upside down and shutdown.  One thing that went by the wayside became my tendency to patronize this young woman's place of employment at those times when she worked there.  I've stopped doing that, to the point where I don't even know if this young woman works at this business anymore, or if she's enjoying good health or went down with the virus or whatever.

Whenever I do patronize this business, I perhaps sense a vibe from other female employees there.  The vibe- and this could just exist in my head- the vibe seems to suggest that my decision to just walk away from that whole situation, especially at this time, makes me some kind of a son of a bitch.  That's rich!  I mean, in the types of situations I would typically find myself in with very attractive young women such as her, people would typically see me as the obsessive, crazy weirdo whose demonstrative desire to get with this type of young woman made me the stalker and the threat to her.  So, I guess I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

So, I seem to have a choice between two polar extremes, with no middle ground.  Either I'm the mentally ill, obsessive, weirdo bad guy who represents a threat of emotional and bodily harm to such a young woman as this, or I'm the cold, unloving, son of a bitch bad guy who abandons this young woman in her time of need.  I see no middle ground, because of my addictive personality in regards to young women such as her, I see no middle ground with her any more than I see a middle ground between zero cigarettes a day versus two packs of cigarettes a day.  I can't just smoke three to five cigarettes a day and leave it at that. No way.

So, if it's true that I have a choice of these two extremes, I will choose the son of a bitch path this time.  Back in the Spring of 1990, at the School of Visual Arts in New York City, I unwittingly chose the obsessive weirdo path due to the belief that I'd made a serious mistake in letting Sara go in 1988.  By the Spring of 1990, the obsessive weirdo path represented a familiar, well worn path for me.  I counted quite a bit of experience under my belt on this path by that time.   One thing I knew in my heart that those around me didn't know, lay in the prospect that the obsessive pursuit of my object of desire, in the case of the Spring of 1990 a fellow student I call Gwen, one thing I knew that those around me didn't know lay in the prospect that the pursuit of Gwen could resolve itself in a beautiful. life and love affirming transcendent moment where I demonstrated to Gwen and those around us that I represented no threat to her; that I just tried to love her as best as I knew how, and that included a pledge of honor on my part to not do her or myself any harm through that pursuit.  That's when the nervous breakdown would typically happen.

Now, apparently, I'm on the son of a bitch path in regards to this young woman at this business I still patronize.  In past blog posts I would demand that this young woman reach out to ME somehow, but I'm not making any such demands now.  I'm just following my buddha on the son of a bitch path.  Will I experience a type of breakthrough moment?  Even in this time of coronavirus?  

I've been sending comics to various individuals for the past couple of weeks or so.  Daydreaming about this or that person liking what I do enough to hand me the keys to the kingdom comes with the territory whenever I send stuff out.  The other day I tried to think a little critically about that whole thought process.  I concluded that the best way for me to achieve success at what I do in any creative endeavors would involve taking care of myself to the extent that i could enjoy a many-years-long period of mental and emotional stability that would allow me to create a substantial body of work.

That means: no cigarettes, booze, or drugs, taking my medication as prescribed, eating right, exercising, and at least one more very important element.  That important ingredient involves my ability to refrain from romantically pursuing unavailable women.  Nothing undermined my mental and emotional stability more in the old days than my tendency to get caught up in my obsessions with unavailable women. I figure that a robust\ ability to take care of myself in all of the above areas, especially the area involving women, will contribute more to whatever success I may achieve than finding that one gatekeeper and pleasing that person to the extent that they need pleasing.