I remember writing several years ago that I felt as if I might have been in a different place in regards to that young woman of these past several posts than any place I've ever been before with anyone. Maybe that notion, that I'm in a place I've never been before, has finally come to fruition. Several years ago, when I first put that idea out there, this girl and I weren't exactly on the same page. But by then I'd made a lot of changes, and there might have been something different about her as well that I picked up on, even though we didn't see eye to eye on some fundamental things. This deal I'm dealing with, and I do feel as if this is a deal, as of yesterday, maybe; this deal I'm dealing with might not actually work out, but maybe things have changed for the better to such an extent that I can get something going with someone else if things don't shake out with this former cashier the way I'd like for them to shake out.
I might have seen that former cashier somewhere in my world yesterday. It's been over two years since I last saw her, and this young woman looked somewhat different in how her hair was done, for one thing. Well, I said, "Sooner rather than later." That'd be awesome if it was her. It'd be great to have someone on board for a deal that I want to be a part of, for once. I'll try not to come off as so hyper-vigilant in future posts. I don't recall having to be really hyper-vigilant with Chelsea, even after she just flat out said to me that she wanted to be someone I would not recall fondly. I mean, she just said it, and I made my decisions accordingly. I could still enjoy her company when we'd go out to dinner and stuff like that.
Since my diagnosis in 1992, I can think of TWO women I would like to see again, as far as missed opportunities go. TWO! When I contrast that to all of the bogus opportunities I've mostly been smart enough to let fall by the wayside...man! Neither of those TWO women, nor the situations I found myself in with them, seemed to have that highly charged quality that the bogus situations I found myself in with the bogus women had. The situation with this former cashier STILL seems highly charged. I haven't even seen her in well over two years, and yet...my god, does it seem charged! Especially in contrast to those deals with Celeste and Lauren. Celeste in 1999, Lauren in 2010. I could be wrong about this former cashier, but if I am, I'm willing to let this supposed opportunity be the THIRD opportunity I wish I had back since my diagnosis in 1992. I can live with that, I promise.
I used to have this male friend who, instead of having a code of behavior which he tried to adhere to in how he related to those around him, he would just try to get away with as much shit as possible. I told an another male friend of mine that I found the behavior that resulted from this guy's attitude tiresome and alienating. It was just such a drag to feel as if this guy was constantly probing his limits and boundaries with me.
One example: One time I went to meet this male friend and one of his girlfriends at a bar in the spring of 2013. The conversation turned to "Chelsea." He volunteered a swaggeringly delivered, "I fucked her!" at some point during this. I replied, "Really?" with smile. He waved it off and said, "Naw!" That ended that conversational exchange. A few weeks later, he gave me a ride downtown one evening with one of his other girlfriends in the front seat with him as he drove. Again, the conversation turned to Chelsea. He turned to his girlfriend and said, in a more mature tone, "I dated her for a couple of weeks."
I decided to stop being friends with this guy in the spring of 2014. I think my decision to reject him after over thirty years of friendship says a lot more about him than it does about me. In the spring 2014 he told me one lie too many about one of his deals with one of his girlfriends, and, it wasn't so much that this one time it was so bad, it was more like the straw that broke the camel's back. I'd had enough, I couldn't do it anymore.
I've had to deal with a lot of women who've set out to treat me in pretty much the same way this guy treated me for so many years. I don't like this kind of behavior in women anymore than I like it in men. One thing that's really helped me to spot this behavior in women-even women I've had a strong physical attraction to. The kind of attraction that can cloud a guy's ability to reason- one thing that's really helped me is that I learned long ago how to let go of the idea that I needed to consummate a deal with ANY woman that crosses my path. You get me? i'm willing to let ANY opportunity slip through my fingers, NO MATTER WHAT THE WOMAN REPRESENTS TO ME.
I first trained myself to take this position in regards to ANYONE when I ran into Sara in the spring of 1988. It was only in 2012 that I adopted this "turning my back on love" approach in the most committed way I knew how. I don't think ANYONE I've had run-ins with since 2012 can really complain about how I treated them, either.
One aspect of this stance towards the women in my world has to do with what I write here on this blog. If the notion crosses my mind that I might one day want to write words such as the ones I wrote in this entry's preceding paragraphs, then go for it. Don't hold back. Don't save such a post for a situation that may or may not develop into something later on. Just come out with it.
I write this now because I get the impression that how a number of women in my world regard me has changed for the better. The whole reason things have changed for the better has to do with my willingness to just let this stuff get out there, no matter where I may feel I stand with any one particular person or another, in my opinion. If anyone forgot what this post's original topic centered around, it centered around women trying to get away with murder as far as how they relate to me goes.
Briefly put, if that former cashier doesn't show up in a timely manner in my world, say, sooner rather than later, then I doubt I will feel much obliged to take her seriously from the point when it becomes obvious she won't show. My personal frame of reference for this belief is my experience with "Chelsea" in 2012. In short, in September of 2012, I added things up in regards to Chelsea and concluded that she just wanted to play some idiotic femme fatale role with me. Yeah, it sucked that she wanted to be that to me, but the good news resided in the fact that I never had to take her seriously again as someone to date. When she moved on to this other guy several months after my realization about her, I don't recall experiencing even a tiny amount of emotional pain or loss over her moving on.
If all this former cashier and her buddies want to do is play games with me, then yeah, those games can work for a while. Quite a while, in some cases. However, at some point those games will stop working as a way to torment me. I totally experienced that with Chelsea. Those games Chelsea played with me stopped tormenting me when I realized that said games just reflected a pitiless, uncaring attitude towards me. And since those games just reflected that kind of attitude towards me, I didn't have to take her seriously as a love interest any more.
If that cashier does show up, say, six months from now, well, moving on is moving on. I don't think her appearance in my world six months from now would indicate that she would be someone I would have to take seriously as a love interest. Even after my realization about Chelsea, we still remained friends and would go on "friend zone" type dates. One time she suggested coming over to spend New Years Eve with me, just me and her at my house, watching TV. But she backed out and said she had to be at work too early the next day. After that, early on in the new year, I would take her back to her apartment after one of our dinner dates, and a couple of times she invited me in to hang out with her and watch TV. The problem with those two times resided in how freaked out her Dad's dog became with me in the apartment. She tried to shut the dog up in a bedroom, but his menacing growls proved too distracting for her, and she asked me to leave. On none of these three occasions, the aborted New Year's Eve date, or the two times with the dog in her apartment; on none of these occasions did I ever come back with any invitation to have her over to my house again to watch TV or anything like that. Dating her just didn't matter to me much at that point.
I think my post about seductive withholders might have resonated with some people. Just about anyone who has been on the dating scene has likely encountered someone who seemed to hold a lot of promise at first, but as the situation progressed, the person who seemed to hold so much promise never delivered on that promise. I think ANYONE who read what I wrote about seductive withholders would understand why I would let go of ANYONE whom I perceived to be that to me.
Furthermore, I think if that former cashier EVER had the inclination to look me up, my post about seductive withholders, and how I'm so willing to cut such a person loose; I think that sentiment could possibly encourage her to go ahead and see about me, perhaps. Now, I don't know if this person even lives in my town now, and I don't know anything else about this person, either. However, my writing what I wrote about seductive withholders would likely go a lot further with her than if I declared my undying, everlasting, forever and ever love and allegiance to her. She and just about anyone else would not know at all what to make of such a declaration, but she and just about anyone else could better relate to a person who was willing to let go of a love interest and situation with that love interest that dissatisfied them so.
Do I like this former cashier? Yes, I'd say I still like her. I'm curious enough to want to see her, but it's not as if my life would depend on seeing her again. Just as my post about seductive withholders might have resonated with her in a good way and cleared up some questions about what all I was thinking when I let her go a little over two years ago, I hope this post makes clear that I would like to talk to her and go out with her.
What I WON'T do is ask anyone in my world if they know her. I believe I've already given plenty of myself for the cause. There was the time when I asked her to my comic book sale in late October of 2021. Plus, lest anyone forget, when I again put myself out there and asked that woman at that one business if she knew her. That occurred in January of 2023, and I'm inclined to believe that young woman at that one business might have been lying about not knowing her. That guess of mine about that young woman lying does not encourage me to ask anyone in my world about her these days. If she has no interest in putting herself out there for my sake, so be it. Like I said, it's not as if my life depends on seeing her again.
I don't want to gravitate towards baristas, waitresses, or grocery store employees I know or suspect are unavailable. I don't want to make it about Schmaylor Schmift or that other person I've talked about on this blog. I just want to work on my game. My job involves a lot of physical activity, and if I plan, shop for, and prepare Mediterranean diet meals, I bet I stand a good chance of losing some more weight. I'm working on the third issue of "...Psychoverse." I'm on page 13, and I've set a soft deadline for completion of the artwork by March 12th. I've memorized the songs on my latest album, "Songs for Schmaylor Schmift," and hope to record guitar/ vocal tracks by April. I'm also practicing banjo and drums for the album. I even busted out the bass, and I will reacquaint myself with that instrument in due time. I've had various women In my world interact with me, flirt with me, fuck with me, call it what you will, and that's been a shot in the arm. These women are all strangers, by the way. I'm talking this kind of attention as encouragement to continue to just work on my game, and not try to make it about specific women in my world or women I've talked about on this blog,.
I said some weeks ago that my decision to adopt a more forgiving stance with those whom I suspected of being against me in some way was not just some decision I made one time. I don't feel as if I can just make such a decision once and just move on and forget about all of that. I think a decision to adopt a more forgiving stance towards those I perceived as against me somehow requires a daily effort to maintain and take care of such a decision.
It occurs to me to adopt a more forgiving stance when I sit at home by myself and think about all I figure went down these past however many years. That would include the alleged web presence that I did not consent to, and all of the ways that people, mainly women, were shitty to me for all of that time. I'm not even sure that's all over with. However, I like to sit in my own home and feel at peace with myself as much as i can, and that's a big reason for me to adopt a more forgiving stance towards those I feel wronged me with their attitudes and behaviors towards me. I don't want to sit at home by myself cooking up all of the scenarios in my head where I could act in a nasty, hostile, abrasive, and caustic manner towards such people.
Furthermore, I believe the impulse to have a desire to behave in a nasty manner towards such people comes from the belief that I am SUPPOSED to be nasty towards such people, given the circumstances and how things shook out. But you know what/? I'm the person in my world who has these experiences on a regular basis, not any of my friends, family, or anyone else I know, so if I decide I'm not going to be nasty about it this time, that should be my prerogative.
Now, these women I encounter when I go out to see bands and whatnot. These women I suspect as ones who were "in on" this conspiracy against me. I don't necessarily have to feel obliged to try to put myself out there to get with them, but I don't have to be nasty towards them either. Putting myself out there to get with such women involves a whole other level of interaction that I don't even have to get into to just be, for the most part, civil to them.
In conclusion, my more forgiving stance comes from a desire to refrain from sitting around stewing in my own juices over the alleged internet presence, Schmaylor Schmift, the fact that not one of these women ever seemed to try and look into these allegations I found myself fighting by just, you know, ASKING to hear my side of the story, and all of that shit. It's an effort not unlike quitting smoking cigarettes, in that I have to maintain a strong commitment to it over time.
I set a goal of completing ten pages of my latest comic book before the end of January. However, I feel I've made my point about productivity, and I will settle for less than that. I hope to have three book completed this year. I'm on track to have this one finished by the end of March.
I don't want to talk about that former cashier anymore. In my last post I said I wanted to turn the page on her. If this loses readers of this blog, so be it.
I joined a support group for my love addiction in early 2022. In the literature for this group, the author and founder came up with the concept of the seductive withholder. A seductive withholder is everything the label implies. In my case, girls and women would represent themselves as more available than they actually were, and they would wind up failing to deliver on the attention and affection they seemed to promise so much of initially. I had big problems with this type in high school, on into college, and into the year 2022, apparently.
I will talk about someone in this paragraph that perhaps knows the last seductive withholder I had such a big problem with that I joined a support group in January 2022 while in the process of letting go of said seductive withholder. I will not say this person's name, or give much of any other identifying info on her. Therefore, any allegation that this post marks an attempt to embarrass this woman-who may or may not know my last seductive withholder-any allegation from ANYONE who tries to say I'm attempting to embarrass this possible friend of said seductive withholder, well, such an allegation is bullshit.
When I mentally test whether or not a post guards a private person's privacy sufficiently, I run my approach through the "cousin test." For example, If this young woman had a cousin in, say, Amarillo she was kind of close to, but not that close to, would this cousin, just randomly stumbling upon this post while surfing the web, would this cousin recognize who I am talking about just from the contents of this post? In my opinion, a hypothetical cousin of this young woman could not make such a connection just from reading this post. So there.
That said, this young woman seems to offer a weird kind of window into the soul of said seductive withholder. By that, I mean the expressions on this young woman's face and her overall demeanor compels me to think that I can see where I stand with said seductive withholder after one of these posts. Such an interpretation of this young woman's facial expressions might just constitute my seemingly bottomless capacity to project my own inner life onto those in my world. I'm aware of that. Okay?
So, what did I last see from this young woman that makes me want to write this post? The last expression I saw seemed to convey an angered determination to WITHHOLD any concessions from said seductive WITHHOLDER concerning my last post about ingratitude. Notice the use of the word WITHHOLD in that last sentence. Look! There's that word again: WITHHOLD. Yep, a classic seductive withholder move if I ever saw one. Yep, the very reason I let go of said seductive withholder in January of 2022 and never, ever looked back. Time to turn the page on her, I say. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, alleged-friend-of-said-seductive-withholder.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.