This same video can be found in the link to the youtube channel above.
Here's the link to my youtube video (I hope). I wrote this song in 2015, so anyone I've associated with since then doesn't have to take it personally. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHa1lTkQeN0
This same video can be found in the link to the youtube channel above.
The other night I went to the open mike night at the Posse East. I sat there calmly for quite some time by myself near the front of the stage taking in the acts. I don't remember the last time I felt so chill while out in a club or bar recently. I attributed this newfound inner peace to the fact that I'd brought my deal with this young woman I've been writing about recently to the next level.
Now, I don't know if I'll ever go out with this person, or if I'll even make her acquaintance, but I wanted something to change between myself and her, and so I made that happen. When I would see her at her job at this business I patronize, she seemed reluctant to even make eye contact with me, much less greet me in a friendly manner and make me feel as if she wanted me around. Since she seemed not at all receptive to me getting closer to her, and I didn't want things to stay the same, I decided to go the other way and not go to this business when I figured she might work there.
Me, I'm just following my buddha. This idea came to me back in 1988 with Sara. I wanted to see what would happen if I turned my back on love. I thought I'd made a tragic mistake by doing this in 1990, and in 1992 I went mad trying to make up for this supposed mistake.
One thing that Sara and Jenna, the girl from 1992, had in common was they never really let me know in any overt kind of way that they liked me. I was just supposed to pick up on hints that people dropped and jump through hoops as best I could. I wasn't having that with Sara, but with Jenna I really tried to see things through to the bitter end in my own way.
Maybe this young woman is too proud to let me know in some overt way that she likes me. Well then, she could join some pretty bad company with that attitude. I found out through a mutual friend that the first girl I dated liked me, ditto with the second girl I dated. But no, me and this young woman have no mutual friends in common, I suppose, so that's out. Well, following one's buddha is not kid's stuff, and it's not for the squeamish.
These posts of the last few weeks brought up a very attractive young woman who works at one of these businesses I patronize. I think that I will try to not go to this business at any time I think she may work there. I just saw this fork in the road open up today, and I think i want to take a road where I greatly minimize the chance that I will see her.
I haven't done anything wrong in my opinion, but as of about an hour or two ago, I saw that I had before me a tradeoff. If I don't go to this person's place of employment when I figure she may work there, I would essentially give up the hope that I could get to know her better and form a friendship with her. In exchange for giving that up, I would have back in fuller measure the life I have built up as a single person that involves my art projects, my music projects, the pursuit of more constructive friendships, and the overall sense that I'm happier not pursuing the kinds of friendships with women where I'm constantly wondering whether or not I am just barking up the wrong tree yet again.
I know, actions speak louder than words, Rich, but I just wanted to get this off of my chest. I've busted this kind of move before in the not-too-distant past-refraining from seeing some woman I was attracted to- and I found myself very satisfied with the results.
In other news, the latest issue of Richy Vegas Comics, issue # 18, The Legend of Richy Vegas, part 5, is now on the zine shelf at the main library downtown. That's the Austin Public Library. Of course, one may order this issue and other from this web site, or I'll catch you at one of the zine fests or cons where I will have a table in the coming months.
In one of Dr. David Burns' books, I think I refer to Intimate Connections, the author talks about a how a willingness to risk losing someone proves essential in that person's willingness to hang around for a while. Simply put, a person who displays an overly fearful demeanor at the prospect of losing a potential intimate partner will not come off well to that desired person, and that increases the likelihood that the valued person will leave. I'm not going to assume that someone or other in my world wants to get to know me better at this time, but this blog allows me to practice speaking my mind in the event that the day may come where that is the case, and hey, maybe that is the case right now. I just don't know.
Since about the age twenty-two, I've had a steady diet of women trying to punish me for past misdeeds against other women. The first time I recall this happening, it involved a couple of girlfriends of someone I had a fixation on in high school. So, years later, in college, I found out that another girlfriend of these women represented herself as available and interested in order to try to punish me for my weirdness from years past.
Another notable time occurred in my last semester of undergrad, when "Linda" feigned interest in me in class. On the second to the last day of class, she talked with some other girls about tattoos, and icily mentioned that her BOYFRIEND had a tattoo of... Linda then came into the class where I stood and drew the model, and she stomped her feet repeatedly and demonstratively as if to symbolically stomp on my heart. In recent times it occurred to me that she was trying to punish me back then for the time I made a crude sexual proposition to "Wanda" in February of 1987. I suspect that a girl from that clique of friends that knew about that incident made sure that word got round about it in the art school.
Another notable time this seemed to happen occurred after I returned from grad school. A friend of mine named Jim seemed really amused by my behavior towards Wanda and related a version of that incident to anyone within earshot for like, the entire time I spent in grad school in New York City before returning. I'm still picking up the pieces from that time, and today I will work on the next five issues of "The Legend of Richy Vegas" that detail my descent into madness.
Another notable time involves the time I worked at a restaurant in 1998/ 1999. I tell my version of what went down in issue number 4 of Richy Vegas Comics, "Anita You're the Reason I'm Not In Prison." I published that comic in late 2010, but the other parties' version of what went down had been circulating for years. The book seemed to speak well for me on that score, because I noticed a change in the demeanor of at least one person whom I assumed instigated a lot of the trouble I faced. I noticed a change on other fronts as well.
Now, when faced with these kinds retaliatory behaviors repeatedly, I've come to a couple of conclusions. The wrong way to handle these behaviors involves trying to retaliate in what I consider fair and equal measure for whatever wrong I've felt these parties' have perpetrated on me. What would constitute a more constructive approach? Well, I believe that speaking my mind about what I see in regards to these situations would help.
I think the factors that unite every one of these actions taken by these women- and quite a few men as well- I think these people make these decisions based on two factors, and two factors primarily: 1) that I seem vulnerable to such an attack and, 2) that they think they can get away with such an attack with no negative consequences. These two beliefs stem from the socioeconomic realities and stigma of what it means to have a major mental illness in this society, and not so much to do with any actual wrongs I may have done. These people make these decisions because they feel they are justified in their course of action and that they will derive a great deal of satisfaction in the outcome. I would guess that the idea that I am not like them, let's say that I'm subhuman to their fully human, aids in this whole thought process. That is a very ugly side of human nature for me to see over, and over, and over again through the years.
So, if I suspect an attractive young or youngish woman in my world had taken something of an interest in me through my deft handling of such an attempted aggression by themselves and others against me-and I'm not saying that is going on right now, but just suppose- what should I do? Should I retaliate in what I consider a fair and equal measure? I think not. My experience in years past tells me that the other party will not feel as if they deserve to be treated that way, and that I will feel bad after I behave that way towards them, and that such actions will cause a lot more problems than they solve. If I had a chance to get to know such a person better, I hope that I would have the courage to broach such a subject at an opportune time, using language they could accept and behaving in a manner that they could accept. Again, I think that not having the courage to take such a course of action would only serve to make me come off as afraid of losing that person. If I learned anything from my time with Sara in 1988, I learned how to accept and even embrace an outcome where myself and the concerned other party do not become boyfriend and girlfriend.
I think I can understand if someone out there doesn't want to hear about the kinds things I've just brought up in this post on some supposed future date with me. Maybe that explains why I've NEVER, EVER dated someone who has come after me in such an adversarial manner. I mean, lots of women have totally come after me, but I've been intimate with only a handful of women not that many times and dated even fewer of those I've been with. If anyone sees themselves in what I've described in the above paragraphs in regards to stigma and wants to beg off right here and now....well, okay.
I'm going to preach this sermon once more, because I find myself in this situation yet again. It looks as if I busted a party or parties in the middle of some cruel rejection game they tried to get going on me. As is the usual these days, it's employees of businesses I patronize on a day to day basis. I'm getting pretty good at this, and like I've said before, recovery from my issues seems to take a progressive route, in that I just get better and better at it. That means these young attractive women I can go on about don't have much of an opportunity to treat me in as shabby or abusive a manner as they would like to do.
Now, should I forgive these people? Right off the bat? I don't think that constitutes genuine forgiveness. Past experiences with these awkward situations tell me that a sudden, unilateral effort to forgive these young, attractive women after these episodes would amount to myself wanting something material in exchange for conferring forgiveness on these women. That something would include love, sex, companionship etc. My experiences tell me that trying to forgive someone in hopes of getting something material in return is not real forgiveness. The behaviors I and the other parties could engage in, and not getting those material things in return for my "forgiveness," just led to more trouble for me.
What do I do instead? I think I will just go about my day to day routines. That would include going about my business at these coffee shops and restaurants and other places. I can go any time I want, no matter which employees work there, because I didn't do anything wrong, and if I just go about my business and don't bother anyone, I think we can all accept that. These women have the right to earn a living just as much as anyone else does. I've had people actually apologize for stuff in the past, and then I would say, "Okay." I think that would make for a more genuine effort at reconciliation over the idea that I just confer forgiveness because I'm such a good guy.
In 2013 I did a little temp work for a friend's print company. During that time, I discovered they had a stunning Latina receptionist. I decided to look for temp work elsewhere. I worked for that place for a week, and when I couldn't get more work for the next couple of weeks after that first week, I got a temp job driving all over creation washing those damn dishes for country clubs and company cafeterias. I didn't die from my decision to cut off continued contact with that print company. I thought about that girl tonight. I didn't die from never going on even one date with her. I'm just sayin'.
I gave a woman from my past a derogatory pseudonym in my books and on my blog, but for the purposes of this post, I'll call her Linda. In the Summer of 1988 I took two art classes with Linda. At some point during that last semester of my undergrad career, I decided to cut Sara loose. I decided to make it about Linda, because she started talking to me and being friendly to me.
On the second-to-last day of class, I stood in the life drawing studio with the class and drew from the model pose. At some point Linda stood outside with two other women and they talked about tattoos. Linda said in an icy tone that her boyfriend had a tattoo of,,, whatever his tattoo was. Linda then came into the class, stood near me, and stomped her feet in a demonstrative manner. I took this to mean she was, like, stomping on my heart, because that's what it felt like.
I'd cut Sara loose a couple of weeks earlier, and I was determined to stick to my guns on that one. So, I continued to make it about Linda through the Fall semester when I would go to the art building to talk to teachers about grad school. I saw Linda at graduation in the winter, and I called her once a few days later and asked her out. She said yes, but that she had a boyfriend. I declined her invitation of friendship, because I felt my feelings were too strong for her.
I worried all the while after that about my strong feelings for Linda, because in those days trouble seemed to find me rather easily. One day in June, my mom asked me to get rid of a stump in a yard of a rent house she owned. When she told me the house's location, the street corner, I recognized it as a location near Linda's house. The way my mom had a touched, pleading manner about her when she said the house's location led me to believe that Linda had had contact with her at some point.
My gesture towards Linda, when I had called her and then said I had to let her go, had come off as very sweet to many people. I had a way of making these women feel valued by me at these kind of awkward times, because these gestures I performed came after the object of my desire had been very cruel to me somehow.
Anyway, when my mom told me the address of the rent house, I lost it, kind of. I got a little axe, and at the rent house I would wave the axe and shake my fist in the direction of Linda's house as I tried to chop the stump up. There was a middle-aged Latina woman in the yard of the house next door with a couple of small kids. Sometime during my display she seemed to rush the kids inside.
From what I gather now, Linda had heard about this incident from this neighbor, and connected it to herself. So, what was meant to be a gesture that would only have meaning for me became something else entirely. All these years later, I connected some disparate attempts to attack me in myriad ways to this incident. I've talked about the Invisible Woman and all of that, and the belief I had last fall that I had an internet presence that I did not create myself and that I did not consent to.
This last deal I talked about lately, the latest Unavailable Woman Deal, I wonder. Is that tied to this incident from so many years ago? Something of consequence that may have happened from that incident in my mom's yard, is that Linda may have miscarried. That would certainly explain the depth of vindictive animosity I seem to have run up against.
Last Winter, I introduced myself to Linda's ex-husband. I said to him that I'd had a run-in with Linda all those years ago. He kind of chuckled and then left the party with his wife. I don't know if this animosity towards me is as universal as those who would seek to attack me would like me to believe, if I'm to judge by Linda's ex-husband response to my attempt to broach the subject.
If remorse is a type of compassion, then I have compassion for Linda's plight all these years later, but all I can do is offer myself for an adult level dialogue, because no matter what did or did not happen all those years ago, I still have the right to defend myself against this weird feminine aggression that seems to come up from time to time.
I had some deal with a woman that I just got out of. The last two posts talked about the Unavailable Woman Deal, and this last deal certainly looked like one of those. I'm out, and I'm glad I'm out. Now what? Well, back when I would experience a more crash and burn outcome from the Unavailable Woman Deal, I would then try to rebound. I never had any success at rebounding- finding someone to date soon after these ordeals, I mean.
I believe that I would just come across to new women as needy and desperate in my efforts to rebound from these bad experiences, and I also seemed to make poor decisions about the women I chose to try to execute these rebound moves with. I would seem to choose another unavailable woman to try to rebound with. It was as if an unavailable woman angel would just move from body to body to body. So, rebounding is out. As I've said many times in my blog, most of my dealings with women have nothing to do with love, girlfriends, or relationships for or against. Most of my dealings with women have only to do with intelligent decision making. So, out with rebounding, in with intelligent decision making. If I make intelligent decisions about individual women in the first place, which I feel I did a couple of days ago, I will not feel as much of a need to rebound. That is all.
Update: So it seemed as if an unavailable woman angel would just move from body to body to body. I thought about that statement just now. It seems just as true today as it seemed about the older days. A post last week talked about how I seem to have to make decisions about one woman after another after another, and how the decision seems to invariably consist of deciding to let them go. So, the world still hasn't changed for me on that front. I'm the only one that's changed. I cannot emphasize how often I think of my dealings with Sara in the Spring of 1988, and how thinking of those times seems to emotionally prepare me for the harsh realities about women I'm attracted to these days.
My post from earlier today outlined my proposal to this very attractive young woman in my world. I offered her the Unavailable Woman Deal. The Unavailable Woman has me bending over backwards to accommodate her and I really, really try to work things out so that there is an outcome that benefits us both and that makes both of us happy. In exchange for my efforts, the other party gets to do whatever the hell they want.
Well, she can still do whatever the hell she wants. I've got no problem with this young woman doing whatever the hell she wants in relation to me. Especially since I have withdrawn from my end of the bargain. I just decided that there has to be more to dating and relationships with women than signing on for Unavailable Woman Deals.
I traced my mental and emotional activity that lead me to sign on for this deal with this particular young woman: She's one of the best looking women in my day to day environment-if not THE best looking. I decided to make it about her. I decided this deal was a go after some pretty minor interactions with her, and then I signed on for the classic Unavailable Woman Deal. An oldie but a goodie. But, as I realized today what I had done once again, I decided to withdraw from my end of the bargain. That is all.
In my last posts of these past few weeks I've brought up a young, very attractive woman in my world whom I decided that I like enough to give a chance. Now, I can't say right now that this person is unavailable, but she has attributes that make her seem...unavailable-ish. She's really young, she's really pretty, I don't know anything about her, and she works at a business where getting to know her better proves challenging.
So, I will offer her the Unavailable Woman Deal. I've talked about the Unavailable Woman Deal many times, but I will recap. The Unavailable Woman Deal consists of myself bending over backwards to accommodate this person and trying my level best to see if I can come up with a solution that benefits myself and this young lady and is in both our best interest. In exchange for my efforts, the other party gets to do whatever the hell they want. Like I've said many times, there's something about this deal these young ladies really like. I can't quite put my finger on the "why" of why they like this deal so much, but they do.
Back in the day, I would sign up for this deal unwittingly, and there could be tears. I became conscious of how this deal could take shape with someone before I realized it in 2016. Knowledge is power. So, I'm just going to get out in front of this deal this time, and if she takes advantage of her end of the bargain in the manner these young, very attractive women typically take advantage, then I will cut her loose like always. All the young lovelies get this deal from me at first, and it's entirely up to them how they keep their end of it up. Not my fault that I feel compelled to make intelligent decisions when I realize what's going on on their end.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.