I looked at my last post and realized, that once again, I mentioned that former cashier and love addiction in the same paragraph.  I think that sums up all I have to say about how I think about that former cashier these days.  I think all men, for sure men, and maybe quite a few women as well, who have a tendency to fixate on unavailable people would do well to have some of the experiences I started having with these unavailable women, which for me began in earnest with Sara in 1988. 

The experience I talk about involves identifying a problematic dynamic and situation with a Sara or a grocery store cashier and taking steps to cut that person loose in the most proactive, "stitch in time saves nine," fashion as one can possibly achieve.  The desired outcome of such a course of action involves accepting an outcome where I, the fixated party, can accept an outcome where we, that being myself and the object of my desire, don't become boyfriend and girlfriend.

Having such an experience at the age of twenty-three with Sara greatly affected how I dealt with fixations on unavailable women thereafter.  It took me realizing at the age of forty-eight how this change affected me for the better all those preceding years for me to then fully embrace this "cut 'em loose" mindset as my conscious, deliberate, fully aware approach to how I've related to so many women since 2012.

I think a lot these days about how I bailed on the developing situation with that former cashier in January 2022, and how profoundly that decision to bail on that deal affected my fixation on her. It affected my fixation on her to such a great extent, that when I saw her again (was that really her?) a couple of times about two months ago I realized those old feelings about her just didn't exist any more.  I experienced the same thing with Sara in 1992, and when I experienced the utter ABSENCE of feelings when I saw Sara again for  the first time in four years, the effect of that absence of feeling actually startled me.

And so I learned a long time ago that leaving a situation and dynamic that involves a woman that I've designated as unavailable actually does profoundly affect how I view the totality of the experience from beginning, to middle, to end.  "This too shall pass."  That whole experience with Sara was, easily, as formative for me in my relationship with women as losing my virginity at the age of twenty-one.  And unlike losing my virginity, which I see as wholly a product of its time, my experience with Sara in 1988 and thereafter counts as a well I still draw water from to this day.  

I feel as if that former cashier is an issue again for me. I will talk about my line of thinking in the next several meetings of the support groups I attend. I go to these support groups to talk about love addiction, primarily, and not so much alcohol and drug abuse.  That's all I can promise myself and others, that I will deal with this alleged situation by addressing it head on in my support groups.  So much of what actually happens in the world is so much out of my hands that all I can commit to right now involves my willingness to talk about my deal with this former cashier to my support groups.  For all I really know, the extent that I still think about this woman is the only extent to which any of this is "real."  Maybe I'm pissing up a rope to even think I'll see her any time soon.  I hope I do see her, and I'll do what I can if I do see her, but who knows.  I can at least talk about her to my support groups, and if this feeling that she's a reality for me fizzles, well, that will be that.

"But I will go down with the ship
and I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be...`' 
-from "White Flag," a song by Dido

Well, that may be a fine song for Dido to sing, but in my personal experience, such a sentiment from me in regards to quite a few women in my past really didn't go over very well (he said understatedly).  Boy, people talk about the Police's "Every Breath You Take" as the ultimate stalker anthem, but Dido provides some stiff competition with this one.  The song was written by a bunch of dudes, natch. 

I'm in the process of cutting that flirtatious barista loose and accepting an outcome where we don't become boyfriend and girlfriend.  If doing things such as refraining from showing up at that coffee shop at times when I know her to work there, and maybe coming off a LITTLE cool whenever I do see her; if such behaviors only serve to alienate her somehow, then that's a chance I'm willing to take.  Going the other way with our deal, as in the above Dido lyrics, is just not acceptable to me these days.

There's the ancient-history-negative-examples provided by my experiences with Veronica, Wanda, Gwen, Jenna et al., but I also have some more recent history where I just blew off a couple of situations and let it all go by the wayside, and the two women I saw long after such decisions acted very glad to see me, so there's that.  If this barista acts alienated, hurt, and/or offended by my decision to blow her off, well, I've had several experiences where such a stance from such a person only served to provide a DEAD GIVEAWAY to me that they were up to no good all along.

If I'm wrong, and she acts hurt, alienated, and offended that I blew off any remaining vestiges of romantic pursuit regarding her because she truly cares for me, then she will represent a truly unique, one of a kind example of that being the case.  In all of my experiences of "turning my back on love," I've never actually come away with the conclusion that I did indeed turn my back on love.  Never.  She will be the first.  I'm turning sixty next month.  She will be the first.

Think about it.  It seems very likely, that even if she cared for me and wanted me to try and get with her in a more ardent, persistent fashion than I have done so far; it seems to me she would understand that I'm erring on the side of caution for all the right reasons. And in erring on the side of caution, I would show that I care about her wellbeing much more than if I chased her to the ends of the earth and back. 

I feel that I want to give myself a bit of time to regain my composure and sense of self before I even consider seeking out the presence of that barista I've written about these past couple of months.  People WILL judge me on how I handle this bad position this person has put me in, and while I feel confident I'd be okay with seeing her at her place of employment in the next few days or so, I'd just as soon not try to seek out her presence for the next two or three weeks.

The headline of this post highlights a very, very tiresome aspect of these kinds of deals.  I guess that I come off as intelligent yet vulnerable to some kinds of feminine aggression. and the combination provided a big temptation for a lot of women in my personal history to try me.  Very tiresome.

I figure that barista I've been writing about these past couple of months just wanted me as her admire and nothing more.  I want to avoid patronizing her place of employment at the times I know her to work there for at least the next couple of weeks.  I don't want to worry about just how much of a great guy I want to be about this whole deal for a while.  I'm doing fine, otherwise.

The other day I concluded that, in my effort to get the videos going again, I would just try to get into it and not worry about being totally perfect or professional in what I did.  I managed to post my song, "Better Than Fritos," on YouTube last night.  God, what an ordeal!  I had to set up my room for recording the video, find out how to work the camera after not using it for a couple of years, learn how to import it on the latest version of iMovie, which had changed a LOT since I last used it.  Learn how to trim six lousy seconds off of the end of the video, which took an act of Congress to learn how to do, and post it on YouTube, which took a little knowhow I had to learn on the fly as well.

It might be a bit harder than I anticipated for me to get into this video production because of the above things I listed having such difficulty with.   I doubt I will get into it as much as I can get into making comics, but I guess I'll give it a try again today.  First, rehearse the songs; second, prepare for the shoot; third, shoot the video; fourth, put the video into iMovie; fifth, edit as much as I can or need to edit; fifth, post it on YouTube.  If I just rehearse the songs and nothing else today, that'll be fine.

That really attractive barista and I are in each other's socials on one platform.  I don't see it as the keys to the kingdom, for myself.  No more so than having Veronica's or Wanda's respective phone numbers back in the day automatically made either to them my girlfriend.  Having this barista on my social media account is more of a responsibility on my part to not fuck that privilege up than a free ticket to ride, so to speak.  That's about all I have to say on the subject of this barista and what all that situation might mean for me.