In this episode I wanted to let other students know that I was not happy with the general ostracizing vibe that I'd caught from many of them throughout this matter with Gwen. I let them know in forceful, unambiguous terms. During that episode I elevated Ann Marie to love interest status.
Ann Marie didn't take, and the next semester I spent trying to exert a great deal of self-discipline so that I could just stay out of trouble and stay focused on my studio art works and graduate at the end of the year. I brandished a knife to a fellow male student after he said, "Doing it the hard way. Eh?" to someone who helped him with a large canvas down the staircase. I've talked about dissociative interpretations before, and there's an example. This student used to go to UT- Austin art school with me, and I still had issues with him and lots of other people from my last days at UT.
Well, I didn't get kicked out of School of Visual Arts for that, and I managed to graduate. Of course, I would have liked things to have turned out better in my love life back then. And, when I had my major break in 1992 and subsequent hospitalization, treatment, and diagnosis, I felt really bad about brandishing my knife to that guy back then when the major depression hit.
What can I say? I felt as if I really occupied a bad position over all when those students, particularly the women, seemed to feel as if I represented some major threat to Gwen or others, and that the solution to neutralizing my threat was to treat me badly. When the transcendent moment came, I felt as if my position moved from bad to worse, because I had to let those students who seemed to actively want to cast me out that, no, I was not a saint or and angel, and that their hateful attitudes towards me and how they displayed them couldn't just be swept under the rug in this beautiful moment of transcendence and redemption.
The moment I knew how things were going to shake out with the coming psychotic episode- and remember, I didn't know it as a "psychotic episode" in those words, it was my heart and my mind that knew of the actual experience- I nonverbally said to myself, "These people are in my world now, i.e., this is an experience that I'm familiar with that they are not familiar with, and it is up to me to walk everyone through it, no matter how rough I come across."
Of course, over the years, I wished I had said and did different things than what I wound up saying and doing, but still, I managed to graduate from an expensive Masters Degree program and not get expelled at the point of almost completing it. All that student loan money didn't go down the toilet, and I didn't have to face the prospect of trying to get into another program down the road after I'd sorted my issues out.
Since the beginning of 2017, I've talked about a La La Land type scenario that has involved a notion of a famous woman that took up space in my head in a disconcerting way for a while. If I had a hundred chances to do it all over again, I don't think I could have done any better than I did. In a post in the Spring of 2016, I related an incident with an intellectually disabled woman who had to assume the role of the adult in our interactions, because I had to be stupid and try to make fun of her, and so it went for me in this situation with the Invisible Woman. I stand by every post that I've written concerning this person, or this notion of this person that is still in my head to a great extent, and that includes the last post that featured the brand new, rip-snortin' sing-along, "Mr. Missus Fuckface."
If anyone feels I'm being harsh in my effort to call out those I feel need calling out, I'm sorry. I've often talked about "Wanda" and sometimes "Katy," and cited my very bad experiences with them as examples how an effort to forgive those two went very wrong. I concluded that forgiving Wanda and Katy amounted to an effort on my part to get something material in exchange: love, sex, companionship, acceptance etc. When those things didn't magically spring forth from these women in private moments with them, the shit hit the fan. I concluded that my effort to forgive these women didn't constitute actual forgiveness at all, but that the effort I put forth just engendered in me a sense of entitlement, laid over a bed of smoldering coals, comprised of anger and resentment.
How then, would an effort to avoid those mistakes manifest itself? I think "Mr. Missus Fuckface" represents about as good an example of another, possibly more constructive direction other than trying to be some great guy about anyone who makes it their business to dick me over in a major way. I do not want to find myself in another compromising situation with the Invisible Woman, or any woman, who may try to represent themselves as available and interested in me when in fact they are not. If this means calling out the Invisible Woman, or calling out any woman in a harsh way, in the light of day, so be it.
That last post that featured the brand spankin' new, rip-snortin' sing-along, "Mr. Missus Fuckface." had an introduction where I spoke of a willingness to "do it in a heartbeat." It was addressed "To Whom It May Concern," and I'll leave it at that. I don't know how things could possibly shake out in the way those concerned would want them things to shake out, but I'll promise all concerned this: I will assume the role of the adult, just as I did last year when The Invisible Woman did or did not come a-knockin'. I may not have a lot of experience with love, girlfriends, or relationships, but chances are that what you all want is more in my realm of expertise than it is in yours. That is, if there is anything at all to this Richy Vegas stuff. And, I might add, I would like it very much if I wasn't the only party that assumes the role of the adult in these proceedings. Boy, that'd be a nice change of pace.
Now, what does being the adult entail? Well, being the adult involves making intelligent decisions. In the context of a potential romantic love deal, intelligent decisions are those decisions made that are in the best, mutual self-interests of the two parties. Yes, I have been that person, absolutely. Just look at the posts from January 1st 2017 to see an example of that sort of decision making process in action.
If the example of the Invisible Woman is too much in the realm of the trippy, otherworldly La La Land of the diseased mind of Richard Alexander, then look at the posts on this blog from May 2015 to about August of that year, and again in the first three to five months of 2016. That young woman was very much of my world for real, and I did as good a job with her as I did with the Invisible Woman of my mind.
In both instances, the Invisible Woman and the one before her, intelligent decisions that I made had nothing to do with love, girlfriends, or relationships. That is because both of the women had agendas that had nothing to do with love, girlfriends or relationships. Never the less, no one got hurt, no one went to jail, and it fell on me to be the one to act in our mutual interests; to be the adult in the situation.
I would like to think if I encountered a genuine opportunity to get to know someone who really had something of an interest in me and that I liked, I could recognize that opportunity as well as I could pick apart those scenarios that approach me under the guise of that kind of an opportunity.
If we are talking about something else, and as of right now the only talking consists of me thinking out loud, something such as that crazy Richy Vegas stuff, well, like I said, that's more of my world than the other party's.