I mentioned in my last post that in my younger days I was a restless seeker of a better way. This restlessness caused me to move on from my discovery that to "turn my back on love" proved to be the best way to deal with the often nettlesome aspects of my dealings with women.
I don't want to make this mistake again. Today I thought about the women in my world, that is, the women I see in my day to day life as I go about my business, and I reiterated a point I made some weeks or months ago on this blog. The point is, that there is NOT ONE of these attractive women in my world who can say that I'm trying to make them over into a love interest. Yes Rich, just stay there for a while. I am still extremely self-conscious in my interactions with women such as waitresses and baristas and whatnot. I can tell myself that this is still true: that the thing I would do that seemed to not sit well with so many women in my past I don't do anymore. I will also reiterate that I am pretty sure that there is no woman in my world that has some torch burning for me that just awaits my discovery. I feel that I am more in line with the way my reality actually is, rather than softening this blow with some delusional cushion that gives me some bogus purpose to my life.
I've pretty much been free as a bird since I broke up with Jeannette in the '80s. Years ago this was a harsh thing for me to realize, but I've gotten so good at dealing with the most problematic elements of my relationship with women these past several years, that the fact that I have remained unclaimed by any woman I've had an attraction to since Jeannette does not bother me as much as it could.
There's just certain realities about what my illness and obsessive nature represent to so many women; things that have nothing to do with me and the person I've always been and the changes I've made; that this perpetually single status has become something I've learned to enjoy. I don't think I would appear attractive to anyone if I saw this single status as some curse or spell to be broken or escaped from through the acquisition of a companion. I've even blown off a few deals with women I didn't like, and, this is so important, I've learned to recognize the terrible deals that so many women seem so ready to offer someone like me.
The experiment to "turn my back on love" has been the one thing that has been most helpful in this ability to recognize a bad deal when one comes along. Cruel example can only work as an agent for change if one acquires the ability to really make those changes. To make those changes, one has to come up with an effective means of doing so. Otherwise, one is left with yet more experiences of cruel example that are supposed to lead to yet more spiritual growth, but from where I sit, don't lead to much more growth after the umpteenth time they happen.