I just stopped following that band on social media.  The band in question has young, very attractive women as members.  I saw a show of theirs not too long ago.  As part of the no contact restriction I will try to also refrain from attending any future musical performances they might have.  I anticipate having to go through withdrawals over this decision.  I always do.  I made  this decision because I figured that I will definitely not find what I'm looking for by following this band on social media, and that I will definitely not find what I'm looking for by going to their gigs. If I take the path I now see opening up, the no contact path, I may not find what I'm looking for,  but I may find something worth discovering.

Past experience tells me that I will find a greater sense of self control and, consequently, a greater sense of self confidence by going no contact on this band.  I'm not talking about experiences from thirty years ago, either.  Try experiences from today, yesterday, and the day before.  I still manage to refrain from patronizing that one business I've talked about these last few months.  This business features a female employee who, in my opinion, bears a strong enough resemblance to that former cashier I still go on and on about.  I asked that young woman at that business if she knew anyone by that former cashier's name, and she said no.  Not long after I broached the subject to this young woman about the former cashier, I decided that I will no longer "buzz" that young woman's place of employment, and I haven't buzzed that business to this day.

At a stop smoking support group I used to attend, one of the members with many years off of cigarettes under her belt theorized that recovery, like addiction, is progressive.  In the throes of an alcohol addiction, an addict will progressively drink more and more as the addiction runs its course.  Same with a smoking addiction.  Same with a romantically obsessive addiction, in my experience.  I find my process of recovery from love addiction involves stepping BACK and seeing a progressively bigger picture at each juncture of my journey..  I take steps to correct myself at EARLIER stages with each new experience of that recovery.  

At least I hope so, because now comes, if I got it right, a bit of a withdrawal period.  A withdrawal period can involve a lot of bargaining with oneself.  I can find myself saying, "Come on, it's not so bad, ______ won't do any harm.  Lighten up!...." and on and on it goes.  The thing that helps me through this withdrawal, I think, involves my embrace of the path I take to a robust extent.  I see the path as the rightward fork in the road.  I say rightward on purpose, too.  I see the rightward path of the two paths as a commitment to a conservatism of the heart.  NOT political conservatism.  My views politically remain left of center. But, yeah, a conservatism of the heart.  A conservatism of the attention I give to some women I find attractive.

I wish my life was a nonstop Hollywood movie show
A fantasy world of celluloid villains and heroes
'cause celluloid heroes never feel any pain
And celluloid heroes never really die-The Kinks, "Celluloid Heroes," words and music by Ray Davies

But that's not all. I played Sinead O'Conner's "Nothing Compares 2 U" video tonight too.  When I had my break in 1992, the hallucinations in my head told me that Sinead sent me off with this song in my unwitting quest to rescue Jenna, a task I'd supposedly completed by the time of my "visions," and thusly, by the time of the revelation about this song.

Very grandiose, yes, very grandiose.  When I got sick again in 1995, Sinead hallucinations became very prominent.  I hallucinated that I met her in Dublin in 1982.  My symptoms persisted throughout the early months of 1995. I bought her two albums on cassette while I still reeled from all of that. One song, "Jump In the River," really got me.  I dug on this lyric: You're not supposed to be here at all/ It's all been a gorgeous mistake/ Sick one, clean one, the best one, that God ever made.

Fuck you, asshole.

The Golden Rule says, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." The Golden Rule does NOT say, "Do unto others as  THEY would have YOU do unto THEM." Does everyone out there see the difference?  I see this Not The Golden Rule in effect in my dealings with Schmaylor Schmift and her camp.  I see Schmaylor Schmift and her cohort as attempting to manipulate me into doing something I will regret.  I've dealt with this shit since 2017 from, in my opinion, Schmaylor Schmift and her buddies.  These attempts at getting me to behave in ways that do not serve my best interests reflect a belief by Schmaylor, in my opinion, that I'm nothing more than an animal in comparison to her and her buddies.  A really nice person, this Schmaylor Schmift, I just wrote sarcastically.

After her latest act of aggression I had to field not long ago, I went to see a band at this weird, clandestine venue.  The crowd consisted of, mostly, very young women and men. One guy my age came up and talked to me, which was nice. I still felt so weirded out by Schmaylor's latest act of aggression that I didn't really observe the rules of etiquette in regards to the young women in the band I came to see that night. I can come off as so self-conscious about not wanting to bother women such as them, that I sometimes forget that such women can think I'm weird if I don't try to talk to them at all.  I apologize if I came across as aloof, standoffish, or just weird to these young women. I don't know when I'll come out and see them again, so I thought I'd mention it here.

I can safely say I've never been through an experience like this before.  I care for that former cashier from that grocery store, and I think she cares for me.  I go up and down like a sine wave on this issue, though.  I get insecure.  If she never shows, she might never show in an effort to act in my best interest.  I just have to believe that.  If she does show, I think we should just be friends for a period of around three to four months.  I would tell anyone I went out on a date with my situation, and they would probably understand.  If they didn't, they'd get the heave ho.  I can only hope she would do the same.  I will try to refrain from blogging about every little insecure thought that crosses my mind.  I've never been through this before.