I've been thinking a lot about how necessary this is right now...think Gospel music when one reads the words to this song I wrote.


Tastes Like a Penny

Verse: C, Am, G, F 
Chorus: C, F, G, C
Bridge: G, D, Em, G


Bv Bv


Verse:
        C
Oh troubled times are here now
                     Am
yes they’re knockin’ on our door
                G
and the answers to the questions
                                      F
just leave us wanting more.

Chorus:
              C
Now he may not be the son of God
             F
but on this we can agree
            G
Richy Vegas has a butthole
          C
that tastes like a penny.

Verse:
Pay no mind who’s in the White House
now don’t care who is the Pope
The heads of church, the heads of state
can all piss up a rope.

Chorus:
There’s just one thing to remember
to bark up a righteous tree
Richy Vegas has a butthole
that tastes like a penny.

Bridge:
G
lick his ass
G
lick his ass
          D
what have you got to lose?
Em
lick his ass
Em
lick his ass
          G
oh it just might cure your blues.

Chorus: 
                   C
If you’re a beggar or a banker
              F
oh he’s just like you and me
            G
Richy Vegas has a butthole
         C
that tastes like a penny.


Verse:
Oh he may be the son of God
or just a messenger
no matter what you’ll long to taste
to taste his brown pucker.

Chorus:
Oh toungein’ his brown pucker
is what will set you free
Richy Vegas has a butthole
that tastes like a penny.

Verse:
Now don’t you give no backtalk
now don’t you give no sass
Richy Vegas says we’re put here
on this Earth to lick his ass.

Chorus:
Oh his asshole tastes the same
as ev-er-y-bo-dy’s
Richy Vegas has a butthole
that tastes like a penny.

Bridge:
A penny
A penny
just like a newborn babe
a penny
a penny
just think of honest Abe.


Chorus:
Now in this world of trouble 
just one thing can set you free
Richy Vegas has a butthole 
that tastes like a penny.

Verse:
Oh as you travel on this road
of woe and stress and strife
Richy Vegas ain’t no man
who wants to fuck your wife.

Chorus:
your whole family can just line up
Mom and Dad and cousins three
Richy Vegas has a butthole 
that tastes like a penny.

Outro:
 C
A penny, a penny
    F
it tastes like a penny
             G
Richy Vegas has a butthole
         C       (high….)
that tastes like a penny.

Richy Vegas

12/31/2019

I posted some harsh words late last night in regards to someone I called Janine about a time several years ago.  Well, I said in previous posts that I did not want to do any pseudo-forgiveness gestures to any one my world right now, or implied that anyway, and so that post might serve as an example of how refraining from super-niceness gestures towards women whom I feel animosity for and yet desire for at the same time might manifest itself.  

I've also talked about how the Legend of Richy Vegas preoccupied me this past couple of months, and how I would ruminate on the prospect of whether or not things that only exist in my head would manifest themselves in the world we all know and how that might come about.  I said that the several days prior to when I figured something might happen typically marked the time when I would let go of such notions, and so that happens now.

What's left?  Well, there's pissing people off.  There's always that.  I'm so glad I didn't think too long about trying to forgive anyone in my world, because I remember what happened with Katy in 1985 when I tried to "forgive" her.  She basically thought I tried to rape her in my truck after I called her for a date some days prior.  This "forgiveness" move I'd busted on her in response to her shit towards me fostered a sense of entitlement in me that gave me the idea that I was owed sex in exchange for forgiving her.  She didn't see it that way, and I had to apologize for being so shitty to her that night when I called her a couple of days later.

True enough, Katy had been really mean to me.  She told me on New Years Eve that she loved me and that she had broken up with her boyfriend etc. after I confessed to her that I was a virgin.  She then backed out of our "deal" a couple of weeks later, my virginity still intact.  But, that whole jive ass "forgiveness" move the following Summer was all on me, and not a good idea on my part at all.  In recent years, I've found myself finally able to unlearn those shitty behaviors and attitudes I acquired back then.  

So yes, there's pissing people off, especially women, as an alternative.  A ex-friend of mine once advised me to "forgive" some women whose behavior I go into in issue number four of my comic book.  That issue's title is, "Anita, You're the Reason I'm Not In Prison."  I stupidly followed his advice.  He later developed a tendency to physically assault his girlfriends, along with his other great behaviors towards these women, but I'm jumping ahead.  One thing this guy said to me on the occasion that he advised me to "forgive" these women: "Do you know who used to call women out on their shit?  Vernon Hoe, and they hated him for it."  Let's see that's the same "Vernon Hoe" who's been married to the same woman since 1995 and has a daughter who graduated with honors from her prestigious private school and now attends a pretty elite college.  That guy dared call women out on their shit instead of just hitting them in the face or something later on down the road when he was in a "committed relationship" with them.  What an asshole that Vernon Hoe is!

When some woman busts some cruel rejection move on me, or tries to, I try to see it for what it is.  I figure, on some level, they're trying to let me know they are not attracted to me.  Understatement, I know, but not obvious enough for me on those occasions when I want to try the "forgiveness" move in hopes of getting the good stuff in return.  When I'm attracted to someone, I try to make a good impression on them and get them to like me, and I try not do anything that would put them off.  So, I wouldn't try to throw other women up in their face in order to make them feel bad about themselves, as an example.  So, I've got to conclude that women who try to do me that way aren't attracted to me at all.  That's why I'm so keen on keeping myself at arm's length from these really attractive young women I find myself thinking about from time to time, or more often than that.  I want to size them up before I try to get close to them.  Yep, there are women in my world who can now consider themselves sized up, thank you very much.  

In 2016 I would drop my dad off at work early in the morning, and then go eat breakfast at a restaurant.  A pretty young waitress worked there.  I will call her Janine.  By this time, in 2016, I had this blog going, and thus the intrigue in my mind regarding whether anyone in my world read it without telling me.  Janine was one of these people I wondered about.  I would go on in my usual way about mean girls and past traumas and showing mean girls up with my game and so forth.

Starting in the Summer of 2016 Janine started acting rudely towards me.  Her interactions with me while refilling my coffee or taking my order seemed a little surly and curt compared to the way she'd been towards me not long before.  I decided to stop going to this particular restaurant and go other places or eat at home.  

One morning in late October I decided to eat there again.  Janine did some task at my table and said that it'd been a while since she'd seen me there.  Yeah, well.  I then overheard her talking to a male waiter in the wait station.  Janine went on about how she'd moved to Austin at a certain age, what year that was, and so on, twice.  This kind of talk from her to that waiter went on for the duration of the time I ate there that morning.  I finally paid my check and as I left, this one other male waiter I kind of knew said to me, "Have a good one," in a wary tone.

I concluded that Janine and this handsome male waiter she told this personal information to while I ate there were already boyfriend and girlfriend, and that this information she told about when she moved to Austin, at what age she moved, etc. was just some dog and pony show for my benefit.  I figured that Janine was trying to rope me into some cruel rejection game where this waiter she talked to was the winner and I was the loser.  I figured that I was then supposed to vie for Janine's favors, maybe because Janine talked about breaking up with her boyfriend during the course of her spiel to this guy, or maybe I'd caught the breakup stuff on a previous visit.  I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm paranoid, I get it.  I'm paranoid.  What to do?  Well, I find the most constructive thing to do in such instances is as little as possible.  I play to two or more possibilities, including a more mundane possibility that this is all in my head, and the multitude of possibilities, one highly charged, others not so much, dictate that I not do much of anything about any of this stuff.

I decided to stop patronizing this restaurant for the near future.  Oh yeah, by the time I went to this restaurant and witnessed what I considered a dog and pony show, I'd written a song called, "My Girlfriend Is a Hatesong," that Janine's previous interactions with me had inspired.  So maybe she'd talked about breaking with her boyfriend to other employees on a previous occasion while I dined there, all the while displaying rudeness towards me.  Maybe.  Got it?  I remember that sequence of events in that order, because I had refrained from posting "My Girlfriend Is a Hatesong" on my blog, because, at first, I thought Janine might see it and get a kick out of it, then I thought better of it.  So when I ate there that one time and Janine went on with personal information to this one waiter, I had written the song, but not yet posted it on my blog.

Well, when I decided to stop patronizing that restaurant for a long while, I felt free to post "My Girlfriend..." after about of month and half following that one visit.  I hinted as to whom it was about in the intro to the lyrics and arrangement, and in later posts, I told a version of the story I just told.  I didn't go back to that restaurant during those days at the time I knew Janine worked there for over a year and a half, if I recall.  I saw her once more when I did go back, but I won't say anymore.

In one of the posts where I told the story of that whole thing.  I talked about how Janine disgusted me.  She came off as a typical progressive young woman who would support universal health care and other social safety net measures, vote for Bernie or whomever, and, oh yeah, march in the Women's March after Trump got in and wear the little kitty cat ears and all that, but when it came to this one particularly ugly, vicious aspect of dog eat dog capitalism that she really liked, this one aspect of dog eat dog capitalism that I've outlined in the above paragraphs, she was no progressive at all.  She came off as the type that really liked this sort of shit.  Okay?  She disgusted me.

I mean, here I am, fifty something, overweight, but kind of presentable, really, and yeah, I have a major mental illness, if Janine and others at restaurant read my blog for real, yeah, they would know that, but all the same, just a customer at her place of employment.  That is all.  I never intended to try and get with her in any way.  I would just go in and eat, tip her and the other staff well, and go on my way.  She tried, in my opinion, to rope me into some cruel rejection game that said everything about her and nothing about me.  She disgusted me.  Like I said in another recent post.  It helps to have a viable frame of reference, a frame of reference that includes a sizable number of women that I NE-VER approach for social reasons, so that I can make intelligent decisions about the Janines of the world in case I run into her kind down the road somewhere, somehow.  She disgusted me.  I don't need to say anymore.

   

In 1988 I tried an experiment with Sara.  When it became apparent that she seemed committed to fucking with me while we sat in lectures in our art history class at UT, I decided to try an experiment.  I thought to myself, "Suppose this interaction I'm having with this girl represents a shot at a romantic love deal for me?  Well, what if I turned my back on love?  Would that make me a bad person?  Would that make me a weak, inadequate man?  Would that mean I was a cold, unloving man?  Would such a move, turning my back on love, mean that I would forsake the potential love of my life and lead myself to an unfulfilled life?" Well, none of those fears proved true.

Nowadays, I find myself in kind of a similar place.  This time, I want to ask myself, "What if I refuse to offer 'forgiveness' to a certain young woman in my world?"  I put forgiveness in quotes because, as I wrote in my previous post, what I used to think of as forgiveness turned out, to my way of seeing things now, to not constitute actual forgiveness at all.  In other words, the gesture I used to call forgiveness I now think of as "super-niceness" that I would visit upon women in the hope of getting material rewards in exchange.

The things I would want from individual women in exchange for this super-niceness could include love, acceptance, sex, an overall affirmation of my worth as a man- the sky's the limit, really.  So, what if I just shut all of that down?  What would happen?  Now, I have no reason to believe that the person I've been thinking about in relation to this experiment finds herself available for dating at this time.  Nor do I have any real reason to think she would have an interest in getting to know me better even if she were available for dating.  But, neither of those possibilities mean that I couldn't still just shut down all of that psuedo-forgiveness impulse on my end of it just for shits and grins, if nothing else.  I mean, I don't even know if I will physically see this person with my own eyes in the coming days or weeks- she might not be around anymore, for all I know- but I might at least relieve myself of the burden of trying to be so nice all the time about stuff.

How would shutting the impulse to be super-nice to this person at this point in time manifest itself?  Would I then display an openly hostile manner to this person should I have an occasion to interact with her?  Would that mean I have a choice between coming off as all super-nice and fawning versus coming of like some raging asshole?  Are those the only two choices?  Really?  That's all I want to do at this time.  I just want to shut down that one impulse towards super-niceness, on these occasions, to see what happens.  I'm not looking for anything else from myself, or this one other person, or anyone else, for that matter.  Just.  Stop.  Doing.  THAT.     

Those therapists I would go to for years and years always talked about relationship this and relationship that.  They would assume that because I was single and talked about wanting to date women that I wanted to be in a relationship.  I decided in early 2002 that I was not interested in a relationship. Instead, I decided that I wanted to have a variety of dating experiences with a variety of women.  I would say something to that effect to therapists thereafter, and it just went in one ear and out the other.

The reason I wanted a variety of dating experiences with a variety of women is, 1) I wanted to compile a history with women where I didn't get hurt and, 2) I wanted to compile a viable frame of reference.   These two desires go hand in hand.  A history of dating women where I didn't get hurt, for the most part, allows me to make intelligent decisions about women moving forward, because I have a viable frame of reference to draw upon.

Nowadays, at fifty-five, I see a lot of very attractive young women at these businesses I patronize, and I now have a history with these types where I don't approach them anymore for social reasons.  That's part of a viable frame of reference too.  I've just decided that the world contains a boatload of women who would just prove inappropriate for love interests or women that I would approach for the purposes of friendship, and these young women I see on a day to day basis at these businesses I patronize belong firmly in that camp. So, refraining from approaching certain individual women and certain types of women plays into compiling a viable frame of reference for me as well.  

Another element that plays into compiling a viable frame of reference has to do with deciding which types of women I will reject.  In my fairly recent past, I've not only rejected women I'm not really attracted to physically, but I've also rejected some women who had drug and/or alcohol problems that trumped any physical attraction I did have towards them.  I've said before that three things play into my decision to go on at least one date with a woman: available, interested, acts like she gives a shit about taking care of herself.  Woman who are reasonably attractive, but can't manage that last one about taking care of themselves are types I've rejected in the not too distant past.  

​Last night I decided another category of women that I can reject is mean girls.  Mean girls are typically really young, really attractive, but just fucking mean.  They often get my attention through some effort they put forth to try and rope me into some cruel rejection game.  I'm sorry, but enough is enough.  Now, with mean girls, they typically aren't the types that just throw themselves at me, so I end up rejecting the situations I find myself in with them, rather than the person themselves.  Maybe one day a really mean girl will throw herself at me for real, and I can see what I do now about  these situations as practice for that day.

I'll elaborate further on how things shake out with mean girl types these days.  They try to bust some cruel rejection move, and I've gotten to the point where I don't get hurt by that.  Afterwards, I often ask myself if I should forgive this person and allow this person in my life somehow.  Like I said, mean girl types never really throw themselves at me, so it's usually up to me to indicate that I've forgiven them by somehow approaching them for social reasons.  I talked often about how such gestures by me do not constitute genuine forgiveness, but rather manipulative nice-guy bullshit.  The only reason I seek to "forgive" these women in the aftermath of thwarting their cruel bullshit games comes from a desire to get something material in return for my "forgiveness."  I hope to get love, maybe some sex, companionship, like a girlfriend, general acceptance by them and others etc.  I've never gotten those kinds of things to my satisfaction when I attempted to forgive mean women in the past, and what actually happened, sometimes, wasn't great at all.  

I'm willing to go on a date or dates with non-goddess types, especially if they have no history of trying to visit mean behavior on me.  Hell, I'm totally willing to go on dates with goddess types of they have no history of meanness towards me as well, but that opportunity doesn't seem to come up much.  So, as of right now, I'd prefer to go out with a more "ordinary" type over a mean girl. 

I often write about the occasions in my past where I found myself barking up the wrong tree in regards to my relationship with women.  That's a hard tendency to get a grip on and do something about, I've found.  It's about like taking up smoking at the age of ten, and then trying to quit at twenty-five or so, because I found myself with little in the way of a viable frame of reference whenever I tried to do something other than bark up the wrong tree.

The best solution came from, again, my approach with Sara in 1988.  The whole experiment to turn my back on love, to risk forsaking a person who, for all I knew, loved me in a way I would want them to love me, had the effect of keeping such a person at arm's length.   Not so much arm's length in that I would keep that person from getting too close to me, but rather that I would keep myself from trying to get close to them.

What happened with Sara turned quite interesting when she started to engage in the behaviors that would make me crazy while I kept her at an emotional distance.  I won't get into examples, but the effect that so many women had on me registered as a sensation of that person pulling the rug out from under me.  Things could go along fine for awhile, things in my world seemed nice and reasonable, whatever woman I had an interest in seemed okay after all, and then, BAM, my love interest would bust some move to sabotage our deal.

What I learned from my experience with Sara, that is, the rug coming out from under me experience, is that her behavior towards me did not result from any way I behaved towards her.  She had it in mind all along to behave in a shitty manner towards me.  Before Sara, I could engage in questionable behaviors myself toward such women while caught up in the drama.  With Sara, I watched from a distance while she danced her destructive dance alone.  

So, I've learned to keep all women I have an intense attraction to, but who seem to have an agenda with me that has nothing to do with becoming my girlfriend, I've learned to keep those kinds of women at arm's length.  Again, arm's length means that I don't try to get close to THEM.  Not the other way around.

What happens eventually, I've found, is that the fever breaks one day.  It happens suddenly too.  After the fever breaks, that is, after the intensity of my attraction to such a woman goes way down, and it happens fast usually, all bets are off.  They really, really can conduct their personal affairs in any such a way as they see fit, and I really, really see absolutely no reason why that would concern me at all.   And, all the while I'm keeping these kinds women at arms length, I've got that day in mind.  After all, the women I fixated on in college, or high school, or grad school, or after my school years don't preoccupy me to this day, so I just keep the women whom I suspect have sketchy motives regarding me at arm's length and let nature take its course.

I've got a touch of the insomnia this morning.

Fuckface Bloody Fuckface


Verse: C, Am, F, B7              Bv| v^| vv
Bridge: G, Em, C                                                           


 Verse: 
 C
Fuckface, Bloody Fuckface
  Am
Over over and again

  F
Got a hard on, for old Fuckface
  B7
I know right yet again.
_
 C
First it was Badfinger
 Am
then the samurai

 F
Badfinger’s still missing
 B7
but I found the samurai
_
 C
But Fuckface, Bloody Fuckface
 Am
tell me is it really you

 F
If it is babe, then you suck
 B7
like a turd dropped in the loo.
_
Bridge:

 G
Bloody Mary, bloody Mary
 Em
say it over and again

 C
In your mirror, Bloody Mary
 Em
say it over and again.
_

Verse:
But Fuckface, Bloody Fuckface
What is it I’ll get?

Will she return my CD’s 
with a twinge of regret?

_
Fuckface, Bloody Fuckface
over over and again.

say it loud, say it clear
Bloody Fuckface yet again.

_
Fuckface, Bloody Fuckface
This Chimera I’ll hack

Fuckface, Bloody Fuckface
Give me all my shit back.

_
Fuckface, Bloody Fuckface
wants to fuck with the kid.


Dear Lord, forgive Fuckface
for she knows not what she did.

_
Fuckface, Bloody Fuckface
with the wrong guy you messed

 F
But with another great song
 B7 v       v              v               C
Bloody Fuckface we are blessed.


Richy Vegas  11/24/2019

My last post talked about how I might have a need to patronize certain businesses where some of my girlfriends work.  I've been trying to save money lately, so I've cut back on that kind of thing quite a bit, but I might feel like I need to resume that circuit for the time being.

I've also been getting the boys together again.  That would be Charles Bronson, Jason Robards, Toshiro Mifune, and all that lot.  I don't know if I actually want to sit through Seven Samurai again, I've seen it a million times, but I've already watched the necessary clips from Once Upon a Time In The West and Sanjuro.  I also busted out the beginning of Yojimbo, but I pretty much stopped it where Mifune offers his services to the warring gangs.  Sergio Leone based Fistful of Dollars on Yojimbo, so that'll give the people out there an idea.

As far as my unusual thoughts about how the shit might hit the fan sooner rather than later for me, those kinds of thoughts go in and out like the tide.  A couple of days ago I noticed that these unusual thoughts ebbed a bit from their typical intensity, but they came back last night.  The most helpful thing that happens is that the upcoming date will pass and I'll return to a bit of an equilibrium afterwards, or more accurately, some days before the actual date comes to pass- if my past experiences with this sort of thing bear out this time as well.

I find myself having to patronize businesses and spend money that I'd rather not spend to help me get back on an even keel for the next several weeks.  I might also need some new girlfriends at some of these businesses I patronize.  I think at least a couple of my girlfriends at these businesses I patronize might have quit their jobs and moved on.  One was real nice to me the last time I saw her. I wrote about her a lot over the Summer, and I'm glad that she doesn't seem to have any issues with me.  I don't think I have any issues with her either.  If she's moved on to another job, that'd be a shame, because she's really pretty.

Found my Flatlanders CD.  It lay between the passenger side front seat and the door.  I found the Neil Young CD too.  As long as we are on the subject of music I like, I'm listening to the Jam right  now.  I bet a lot of people can just access this stuff on Spotify, so they should search for a Jam song called, "Man in The Corner Shop."  I just finished listening to "Town Called Malice," another good Jam song.

I looked on my web host's site, and it said they count unique visitors and page views differently now.  That would account for the drastic drop in how many unique visitors and page views per week register for my site.  Oh well, I guess I can't blame Invis for that either.