I've asked a lot of waitresses and baristas and whatnot out over the years.  I've been shot down almost every time.  I can think of two exceptions.   One involved a clerk at a convenience store near my old house, and the other involved a counter girl at a pizza place.  But, they both had this one thing in common: they both broached the subject of going out before I did.  The clerk was around my age, and I met her at a club to see her brother's band.  The counter girl wanted me to hang out with her at her favorite bar, but I'd quit drinking by that time, so she was the one who acted shot down.

It seems as if every time I crest that hilltop, in other words, broach the subject of going out with a waitress or barista before they do, it vibes like a big time faux pas.  Well, that's good to realize, especially in these days of coronavirus, when the only women I have any contact with on regular basis who aren't my family members come from this category of food service or retail worker.  To say these times seem too weird and scary to date would understate the whole idea of trying to get something going with someone these days, but I just read an article in the New York Times where people do manage to pull something like some of the aspects of dating off these days, so there you are.

So yeah, I'm not going to ask out some employee of a business in front of god and everyone these days, and I don't think I'll take that up again when or if the times get better for me as well as everyone else.  For me at least, the rule seems to consist of letting the employee make  the major move in that direction, and if that person just doesn't do that for some reason, there's my answer.  Like I said, the only women I have any social contact with these days are these employees, and I have no interest in fucking anything up right now.

In the Spring of 1985, I decided that I loved Veronica Ortega as we ate a meal and conversed at Kerbey Lane.  I remember thinking, "I love you!" as if I could project that thought from my head into her head.  In the Summer of 1986, I decided that Donna made my life complete after I met her for the first time, at which time she stood in front of a fan in a hot house and brushed her hair with her hand as an Iggy Pop song played.  In 2009 or thereabouts, I really thought that a young barista's smile and look in her eyes when I said certain things meant that we'd really connected on some level.

I still have the basic sensory apparatus these days that would cause me to respond so strongly to these young women's flirtations in the past.  But, I had a  thought the other day about that.  I remembered reading a passage in Intimate Connections by Dr. David Burns.  He talks about how the reader responds to "some little morsel of attention as if it were the whole banquet," or some such phrasing as that.  He encourages the reader to refrain from latching onto any one person at the stage where others flirt with them.  A lot of that book seems to involve an encouragement by Dr. Burns for shy sensitive people to steal from the playbook of more worldly types.  I think that taking little flirtations such as the ones I've cited above more in stride constitutes stealing from a more successful dater's playbook.

In Dr. Burn's book Feeling Good, an illustration shows a person taking in outside stimulation through their eye, processing the stimulation with their brain, and then responding to that somehow.  Dr. Burns emphasizes that depressed people will interpret a lot  of outside stimulation in negative ways, and that accounts for why they feel so depressed so often about so many things.  Like I said, I still have the same sensory apparatus I've had for years in regards to the flirtations of young women, but how I ultimately interpret such flirtations reveal a change in me from before.  My first reactions to such flirtations these days remind me of the reactions of my youth, but then, it's almost as if new pathways have been carved in my brain, and a more realistic interpretation of such flirtations forms my concluding thoughts.

The other day I submitted a book for an awards competition.  I had to get a PDF of my latest comic book and upload it to a website.  After I did that I went on and on in my head about whether I even qualified for the competition, or whether I submitted the book correctly.  I concluded that pleasing some gatekeeper sufficiently meant less to me than continuing to work on my recovery from love addiction and all of its pitfalls.  I probably couldn't produce the art and music that I do these days if I still processed the flirtations of young or youngish women in the same ways I used to.  Two out of three of those examples of flirtations from young women that I cited in the first paragraph proved pivotal to the crash and burn episodes the followed.

I just looked at my number of unique visitors to this site, and the figure read 18 unique visitors.  Apparently  they count visitors to this site a lot differently than they used to, and as a result my unique visitors went from around 400 one week to around 16 to 20 the next.  But, this blog constitutes my forum where I comment on anything and everything, and I prefer it over social media outlets.

So, here goes.  I support the protests against the killing of George Floyd by the Minneapolis police.  I prefer the peaceful demonstrations, and decry that such demonstrations can spiral into violence against officers and property, but overall the issue of police violence needs addressing in ways that our people and governments will pay attention to.  Again, the violence instigated in protests that start out peacefully can obliterate the message, but that violence can come from any side.

I hope that I've articulated my views on this issue of today well enough.  I remember feeling that my own efforts at art making and the story I wanted to tell seemed utterly irrelevant in the wake of the attacks of September 11, 2001.  I tell that same "irrelevant" story in the comics I write and draw now, and events such as the protests and the injustices that fuel such protests still possess the power  to dwarf what I do here and in other places to express myself.  I hope that I, in my own little way, have adequately added my voice to the discourse on these events of these days. 

This situation I've gone on about for these past couple of weeks involving this young woman at this business has at least three possible explanations of how it started in the first place.  One explanation involves the notion that it all resides in my head;  that I just mistakenly got the impression that other female employees at the business wanted to give me the impression that I had done something wrong in going on my way and not patronizing this business when I knew this young woman would work there.  I mean, nobody ever came out and told me to go to this woman and let her know she could count on me etc.  I'm not a mind reader either, so maybe I just had a crazy idea in my head come from nowhere.  Another possibility involves the notion that my decision to not be around  this person anymore really put her into a distressed state of mind due to this situation with the coronavirus.  That may hold some truth, but I still have the right to go on my way if I wish.  That leads to my third possible scenario.  The third possible scenario involves the notion that this young woman just wanted our old deal back.  So, I would get the impression that she really wants me patronizing her business when I would know her to work there so she could have something of the life she had before all this shit hit the fan.  Not unlikely, but I don't particularly like the idea of going back to the old deal. 

The old deal just involved me admiring her from afar, while she pretty much got to do whatever she wanted in the conduct of her personal affairs.  Not much in the old deal for me.  I guess I might write more stuff about her from time to time, and that made up a lot of the old deal, but I don't particularly want to show up at her place of employment when I knew her to work there as of a couple of months ago.  My distress over her supposed distress involved the thought that she wanted something more than the old deal in place, and that "all" I had to do was show up at her job and try to get face time with her and try to get something going.  Those posts of the past two weeks about following my buddha revealed a distressed state of mind on my part over my next course of action.  I feel a lot more calm about my stated course of action- to refrain from trying to see her- particularly after I articulated in my mind the notion that this little so-and-so just wanted things to remain the same.  

I don't really care to speculate on this forum what she might have moved on to by now.  I don't know if she still works there, and I don't really care to find that out.  I hope she enjoys good health and that her loved ones, both family and friends, are all in good shape as well.  I think those closer to her would find themselves in a better position to give her whatever sort of support she needs to get through during this time than I can.  That's about all i have to say.

The hardest thing for someone like me to face up to in situations such as the one I found myself in with this young woman of this past year involves the prospect that she felt nothing for me at all.   Well, i will now talk about that prospect.  If that idea holds any truth, that she felt nothing for me, I can say this: That she can't complain about how I treated her.  I never talked to her in real life or so much as gave her the time of day in that sense.  It became important how I would up treating such women in the years when things would come back to bite me in the ass.  She can't complain about how I treated her, I'm sure.  She can't.

Me, I'm just following my buddha.  If I've managed to come up with any meaningful insights about myself and this young woman in the past week of these posts or so, that insight did not come from going into her place of employment and getting up in her face and trying to make her over into something she doesn't want to be.  It's come from following my buddha.  I just asked my buddha what to do now.  My buddha said to stay on my current path.  Don't go into her place of employment when I knew her to work there some two months ago now, just continue as I am.  If I'm to stick to my vow to not fuck with her in any wanna-be-her-boyfriend-right-now sense, than staying on my path continues to serve as my means sticking to that vow. 

I said last year that I didn't want to sign on for any Unavailable Woman Deal.  An Unavailable Woman Deal consists of the following.  I bend over backwards to try to accommodate the notion of such a person in my head and my heart and try to come up with a solution that benefits us both and that those around us find agreeable, and in exchange for my efforts, the other party gets to do whatever the hell they want.  Going into her place of employment when I think she might still work there, and I don't know if she still works there or not, going into her place of employment to try to make something, anything, happen with her constitutes an effort on my part to bend over backwards somehow.  At least I see it that way.

She can still do whatever the hell she wants.  If she just wants to leave me be on my pretentious little buddha path and not try to get any closer to me as a platonic friend even, well, that suits me fine.  I like her the way she is and I will never forget her if a decision such as that comes to pass from her.

I think about her all the time.  But, dig, here's a story.  In September of 1991 Jenna showed up at Patrick's party with her boyfriend in tow.  A hole opened up in my heart the second I saw her with that guy.  Later, I just sat by myself and drank and fumed.  Some joker put on "Orgasm Addict" by the Buzzcocks and I took offense.  But, here's the thing, I love the Buzzcocks and that album, and so I cranked up the jams and sat there and drank by myself and jammed some more.

Finally, after the record finished on the first side, I went out to the porch and got a beer.  Andrea, an old coworker from G/M Steakhouse, sat near the keg.  We started talking, and long story short, my outburst directed at Jenna went, "Well, since you're not supposed to be here, you have to pay!  Yeah, you have to pay!"  I put the second side of Singles Going Steady on, sat back on the couch, and fumed with the jams some more.

In the days that followed, what seemed to Sam and Davey like a desperate hail-mary of an accusation towards Jenna seemed to resonate.  Jenna broke up with that boyfriend and started paying attention to me.  Well, everything just went downhill from there, and I degenerated into diagnosis and treatment the following Summer, 1992.  

I think about that, "You're not supposed to be here, so you have to pay," statement now when I think of this girl.  If it's true that she thinks of me so much that she wants to hurt me for that, well.  I like her, I really do, but maybe the best course of action remains the physical distance between us.  If she thinks about me to the point of getting emotionally claustrophobic at inopportune times, then maybe my best course of action would involve staying the fuck away from her.

I've said in past posts that women may obsess on me a lot more than I know.  I don't know if that's true, but maybe so.   I could see being platonic friends with this girl, but that's about it.  If she wants counseling for her problems, she should see a professional.  I've lost hope of finding competent counseling for my problems, but often women, especially attractive young women with all sorts of dating options, can do a lot better, I think.  I hated how therapists always talked about relationships, relationships, relationships, as some sort of panacea (cure-all) for whatever ailed me in my relationship with women.  I've come to view this constant push in that direction by therapists in regards to my dilemmas as very inappropriate counseling.  I mean, look at who I'm preoccupied with now.   I don't think an intimate relationship between myself and this young woman would cure a damn thing in either of us.  But, seeing as how I've been someone who has found themselves extremely preoccupied with this type in my adult life, yet never really dated such a person as her, who am I to judge?  An example of sarcasm. 

I've come to view platonic relationships between myself and women as one way streets.  Either the attraction goes from me towards this friend without any coming back, or it's the other way around.  In her case, I would have to find myself honor bound to not fuck with her to the point where...oh, fuck me.  I don't know.  I don't know if I could pull that off.

This young woman I still write about these days does not represent the only unavailable woman in my world.  But, and I want people to pay attention to this: My ability to deal effectively with such an unavailable woman as her seems to inoculate me against getting bummed out over any other type of unavailable woman in my world.

The category of unavailable woman she falls under presents the worst strain of these types that I have to deal with on a regular basis.  From  the very start, I suspected her of coming at me with an agenda that had nothing to do with love, girlfriends, sex, dating, relationships, companionship, or anything like that.  I suspected her of trying to make a conquest of me, and whatever that would entail.  I don't know much more than that of her early intentions, though I suspected her of trying to go on some kind of crusade on behalf of women everywhere or some such shit like that.  I think, at best, her intentions morphed into just wanting "free" male attention from me, which might represent where she comes from nowadays, if indeed she still lurks on the periphery of my world.   Free male attention falls under a category of attention that she does not have to reciprocate in any way.  Well, here's your free male attention, honey.  Take it or leave it.

Anyway, in dealing effectively with such a one as her, other types of unavailable women and the dilemmas such situations present don't send me into a tailspin like they used to.  Not at all.  Some other types of unavailable women include: Someone who doesn't return a phone call or message or two.  I can just let that type go.  Someone who seems really ideal in terms of both looks and personality, but has a serious boyfriend.  Someone whom I may have had an opportunity with at some time, but the opportunity no longer exists.  Someone awesome in a lot of ways, and someone whom I know at times enjoys single status, but who wants me in the dreaded friend zone with them at those times.  The list goes on and on.  I just don't have the same fits of depression or despair over any of those types of unavailable women any more than I do over the more predatory types.  In fact, pretty much all of those other types represent women who just want to live their lives and not try to go around hurting me in any way, so I tend to not get bummed out in the least over those other types anymore at all.  

I guess that's because the predatory types are such assholes, and  since I know how to deal with them for the most part, even they don't bum me out all that much, so therefore I'm okay just letting those more relatable types go, and that's usually the end of it.  Wow, that's true.  The ones who don't have some fucked up agenda with me I can just decide to let go of and it's a done deal, but the asshole predatory types are pretty much the only ones who persist in their bullshit.  So let me see if I've got this right.  The more predatory types can persist, but the more relatable, likable types just stay let go of once I let them go.   

Hmmm, let me think about this.  I've had women I've rejected persist to some extent.  That is, they may still call me after some time and want to get together or whatnot, but the more predatory types just seem to persist in trying to tie me up in knots.  A simple but polite rebuff usually suffices for someone who may have a genuine interest in me, but the more predatory types are a whole 'nother
kettle of fish in degree of intensity and whatnot.  That's it.  But yeah, women who had an interest in me, but that I rejected for whatever reason, are not in any category of unavailable women.  That means that only the predatory unavailable women represent the only unavailable women I find it necessary to say no to again, and again, and again. 

Specifically, here I will present some stories that clearly illustrate that my performance in regards to this young woman in question met my own expectations, and how that means I can walk away with a clean conscience and not feel the need to capitulate to anyone's pressure to try to do more than I've already done.  Oh well, I'll tell just one story. It's late and I want to lie down in bed.

Last fall I posted a picture of me giving the finger.  I meant to imply that I wanted to give finger to this young woman in question.  The post had to do with the notion that I did not care to buy into the idea that she liked me at the time.  I remained skeptical that someone who had, in my belief, come at me in an adversarial manner initially, became converted to liking me and wanted to work things out.  So, I posted a picture of me giving the finger.  I got the impression that one or more parties at this person's place of employment thought that a low class move.  So, I took the post down, and put some up saying that I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  

In the weeks that followed, I posted stuff that tried to strike a similarly conciliatory tone.  One post included a recommendation that people listen to two songs by the Jam, "Man In the Corner Shop," and, "Town Called Malice."  Things looked okay, and I felt as if things could work out in some reasonable way with this young woman.  I didn't know specifically what would happen or how things would work out, but the possibility of things going peacefully seemed in play.

Well, in early December, I got the impression things didn't go my way, in the dating sense, and that I was made to know about it for some reason.  That's about all i have to say without going into specifics.  Okay, so I just let go of any notion that I wanted to talk to this person or get to know them better, and the new year came, and I wondered in a post if this person even liked me.  I then wrote the post about how it seemed to me as if myself and this young woman had come to a crossroads; a crossroads where I went my own way, and she could go her own way.  Then the coronavirus emergency hit, and here we are.

A few weeks ago I get the impression that some female employees at this young woman's job thought I had done something wrong by going my own way.  Okay.  Well, here's the thing: My gesture of conciliation towards this young woman last Fall was good enough for me, even if it wasn't good enough for her.  By my reckoning, if me and this young woman ever were to date, that SHOULD have been good enough to get things going, but it wasn't.  I suppose she just found someone she liked better, and I suggest she do the same now, if she hasn't already done so. 

In my last post I theorized that the young woman I've gone on at length about might not, after all this time, even know whether or not she even likes me.  I think about that statement, and, if the truth lies there, she holds a pretty reasonable position on that score.  I haven't exactly gone out of my way to talk to her or interact with her in any meaningful way.  Why would she know whether or not she even liked me?  She doesn't even know me.

For my part, I associate her with so many women in my past whom I considered to be "the one."  Well, I'm spending this coronavirus time by myself, so much for all of those before I labeled as the one.  So yeah, I imagine getting all up in these women's faces and trying to make them over into what ever characteristics I considered the one to have might tend to drive even the best of women away.  Did I have the best that the female of the species has to offer to work with?  I guess not, but then again, who does?  I noticed a long time ago that the attractive young women who had serious boyfriends all seemed ideal somehow when I compared them to a lot of equally attractive women who might have found themselves single for a time.

What to do now?  Yeah, I like this person a lot better now than I have in a long time.  But, I think I'm just going to stick to my guns.  At my age, I'm just grateful to discover a measure of inner peace about her and women in my past from the, I hope, valid insight I think I've gained about this woman over these past couple of days.

Maybe she's dated the men she's dated instead of me because she genuinely likes them better than she likes me.  Again, not an unreasonable place for her to come from.  For my part, I'm pretty happy following my buddha.  I called this path the son of a bitch path the other day, but maybe I mischaracterized this path.  Maybe not.  At any rate, I shall dance with them that brung me, and stay on it.  So, I wish her luck in her job, but the changes I made in relation to her place of employment- if she still works there- will probably remain.

Okay, here it is.  Two doors.  One door has ornate metal-work scenes that depict the paradise that supposedly lies within if I just have the courage to go for it, open it, and go through it.  But, so often in my life, I've found this ornately ornamented door -think of 
Ghiberti's doors in Florence- to have a solid brick wall on the other side when I opened it.  The other door looks drab and unexciting, more like the door to a utility closet.  One doesn't imagine it takes courage to choose that door over Ghiberti's door, but it really does, and I've found so much more behind that door in my life that I ever did behind Ghiberti's door. Maybe I won't find much of anything behind the utility closet door this time; yeah, maybe I should go try to see this young woman and talk to her and maybe even approach her for social reasons this one time; but...yeah.