I wonder if the powers that be at LA Zine Fest got uptight about that review of my books that mentioned misogyny.  I included the review in my application, because the tone of the review came off as favorable to my work overall.  I wrote the guy who did it after I read the review and said something about the nature of story arcs, and how a typical story has the protagonist change somehow as  the central conflict plays out.  The Legend of Richy Vegas comes off to me as the story of man vs. himself, more than man vs. man, or man vs. nature.  But, I guess the powers that be at LA had that review and its contents to go by, along with my website and another review, more than they had the actual books I've produced.  The guy who wrote the review ordered two later editions in the series, but I have not seen another review of my work by him since he ordered those books.

I applied to Ft. Worth Zine Fest today.   The application was much shorter, much simpler, and more informal that the LA one.  I won't have as much expense to deal with in travel if they let me table in Ft. Worth this Summer.  I might look into doing some music gigs again later this year.  Maybe the new one dollar price tag on the books might get some hippies to part with their drug money and buy a book or two at a gig.  My inventory is just getting bigger and bigger otherwise.  I'd like to open for one of my degenerate friends rock-and-roll bands as the solo acoustic act that kicks off the evening, so I guess I'd better get some knee pads and prepare to suck some weeny for one of those gigs.  I don't want to do wine bars and shit like that with just me as the evening's entertainment, because I don't think "I Used Your Panties For a Cumrag" would go well with the house chardonnay and artisan cheese plate.

I'm playing the Posse East during SXSW week.  It will be a day gig.  I'm doing it mainly to get my songs memorized for the next album, and to sharpen my chops up enough to shoot some videos for my long-neglected Youtube channel.  I think my living situation will stay in the current form for those video shoots to happen, at least.  I've got this great set, and lights, and oldtimey DV format camera for that purpose, but the problems with my arm last year really messed all of those plans up.  The preparation for the Posse East gig should put me right as far as my playing goes.  I'm to perform a forty-five minute set, mostly from the next album, and that would give me plenty of content for the channel as well.  The set will occur at three PM during the week, so I won't have to worry about being nervous performing before a large audience.  Ha, ha.

I interacted a tiny bit today with that young woman at that business whom I can go on quite a bit about these last eight or so months.  I think that my course of action will continue to involve just letting go of any notion that I will try to get with her socially.  In other words, I will not go out of my way to favor her with attention, or try to put myself out there with some grand, bold gesture that expresses any desire any part of me still has to do something about any of this.  If it turns out that I'm forsaking the love of my life due to my lack of willingness to engage with her in such a way, then let me take this opportunity to apologize to this young woman, apologize to myself, and to apologize to the gods everywhere for giving up on all of that.

I just believe that a huge source a apprehension such a very attractive young woman would invariably have about an obsessive type such as myself involves a fear that I would form a premature, inappropriate emotional attachment to her.  I believe if I was twenty-five years old. I believe if I was seventy-five years old; such a prospect; that I would form a premature, inappropriate emotional attachment to her; such a prospect would make her crazy.  I think that my course of action (or inaction) of these past eight or so months proves that I've had this likely concern of hers at the forefront of my thoughts on how to proceed.  If some black guy wants to call me "the man with the plan" in light of my stated course of action in regards to this young woman; that is, to just continue to leave her alone for the most part, then so be it.

Most people out there probably know about those team building seminars some employers used to make their employees participate in.  I'm referring to the type of seminar where they would make the employees perform stunts such as how one employee would catch another employee that fell over backward from a standing position.  That kind of thing serves to build trust, supposedly.  

I remember I went to one Halloween party at a Co-op house where the person who invited the people from the church I tried to go to baked some coconut macaroons, but in order to eat her lousy macaroons, party guests had to go to some person's room, find a place to sit, and feed the macaroons to each other.  Yuck!  I took a seat on the floor, and when this woman, who'd been rude to me the whole night, said that was the only way to eat that shit (I don't particularly like coconut), I just got up and walked out of the room, out of the house, got in my truck, went home, and never saw the inside of that church or her again.

I told that story to Jason, my old bass player, as we drove to practice one day, and he talked about the above-mentioned trust building exercise as an analogous thing to the imposed intimacy exercise of the macaroon feeding thing, and yeah, it's all bullshit.  Trust comes better from a relationship that develops over time, and withstands the test of time.  Why, this past decade, I terminated a friendship with someone I'd known for over thirty years because I figured that I couldn't trust him.

I've talked about how I'm really trying to refrain from pursuing unavailable women these days.  I think I do a pretty good job of it, too.  But, I've thought about those disasters of so many years ago.  I used to tell myself that those women I crashed and burned on never really let me know they liked me, and that if I just had that kind of thing as my gold standard, those kind of events would not have occurred.  The only thing is, that's not true at all.  There were plenty of occasions where things went bad with someone where the other party did give a pretty strong indication that they liked me on some level,.   My previously held belief that the bad deals went bad because I didn't hold out for that kind of affirmation stems from a desire to put everything into absolute, all or nothing, black or white categories.  

It might be nice if it were that simple.  Maybe it would be better, maybe not, I don't know.  The thing I most recall, in reality, is that whatever little bone some woman or girl threw me, to get the ball rolling initially, became this thing for me to cling to when a better course of action for me would involve letting go of my love interest.  In other words, the woman or girl might show some interest to get my attention, but I would refuse to read the writing on the wall later on down the road.  So, there's another thing that's on me. 

I may never pursue an unavailable woman again.  Now, a chance certainly exists where I might go down that road again.  One can say the same about whether I smoke or drink again as well.  I might do any of those things I've worked so hard to stop, including the pursuit of an unavailable woman.   Why, just today I speculated that someone I've designated as unavailable might actually care for me some.  That kind of belief might take me down all kinds of shitty roads.  But, if I want to have complete honesty about these kinds of addictive things, I stand a chance of never smoking again, never drinking again, never doing drugs again, and never making it about an unavailable woman again.

This last one, I wrote in June about how I had no desire to sign on for an Unavailable Woman Deal.  An Unavailable Woman Deal consists of this: I bend over backwards to accommodate the notion of this person in my world and in my heart, and try to come up with a solution that benefits us both and that those around us find acceptable and even desirable, and in exchange for my efforts, the other party gets to do whatever the hell they want.  Now the deal I signed on for instead had the other party doing whatever the hell they wanted, for sure, but I just made no effort to keep up my end of that Unavailable Woman Deal.

I even approached four other women for social reasons.  "Approached" includes following someone on Instagram, but unfollowing that person when they didn't reply to a comment of mine on one of their posts.  That little, tiny bit of interaction counts for more of an approach for social reasons than I ever approached this person I've written about so much since around June of last year.  I've never even talked to this person, and I may never do so.  She just works at a business I patronize, and I don't feel particularly obliged to interact with her, because I've got her as unavailable, and I don't pursue unavailable women anymore, and I may never pursue such a one again.

I got my new book back from the printer today.  Richy Vegas Comics : issue number 19, "The Legend of Richy Vegas, Part 6," should arrive on the 'zine shelf at the Central Library no later than Monday.  I put up the necessary stuff on my website for purchase on the web.  I will have a table at Lone Star Zine Fest, at Blue Genie on Airport, on Sunday March 1st.  I sell my books for $1 a piece at events such as Lone Star Zine Fest.

I remember really enjoying life more and more as I knew that my commitment to stop smoking really had a chance of taking hold.  That is, the longer I stayed off cigarettes, the more I could enjoy what I'd accomplished.  I really do believe that I've quit pursuing unavailable women.  That doesn't mean that women always say yes when I ask them out these days-far from it- but if someone adds up to an unavailable woman from the start, I tend to not do much of anything about it.

One of the characteristics of a truly, classic unavailable woman shows up in how the same kinds of obnoxious behaviors emerge even though I don't do much of anything about their presence in my world.  In my early twenties, I would fully commit to pursuing these kinds of woman, and the ruinous crash-and-burn breakdowns occurred with the requisite obnoxious behaviors on their end.  I talked about things such as how they would figuratively pull the rug out from under me, or how they would otherwise sabotage the whole situation.  An example of such a thing would involve how they would throw some guy up in my face after my ardent pursuit of them, but really, anything to throw me a curve.  One of the trademarks of these bad deals involves how the bad would soon far outweigh whatever good I could find in the deal. 

So, yeah, I'm not really looking for a love interest from amongst the women in my world right now.  That would mark another aspect of the bad experiences; the need to try to rebound with someone else.  Another aspect of the aftermath of these ruinous experiences would involve a desire on my part to quit pursuing art and try to do just about anything else.  I came up with NFL player, astronaut, marine biologist, pharmacist, and others, I'm sure.  Dealing with the usual suspects in more effective ways suffices these days.  Right now I can enjoy life and take it easy in much the same way I did when I quit smoking, and again many years later when I quit alcohol and drugs. 

So yeah, it's not as if this young woman actually has to go out with my friend to some of the places we both hang at.  She could just mention to this friend that she likes me and wants to hang out with me.  I, on the other hand, don't want to reach out to her through him, because that would put him in a bad position.  He would then have to take an issue to her from me that has nothing to do with her job.  Her reaching out to me through my friend: That's fine.  Me reaching to her through him: Not a good idea, in my opinion.

I figure that this young woman got pretty much what she wanted out of me these last seven to nine months.  She got free attention in the form of these posts, plus whatever attention I would pay to her in the real world.  If she had her way, this sort of thing could have gone on forever, I figure.  I'm prepared to write about her some more, but her time will pass, eventually, when she gets more out of my system, and that day will come.  It always does.

The importance of conducting myself in an exemplary manner until that day comes; I can't emphasize the importance of that enough.  The things I see that I have the opportunity to get better and better at each time have to do with treating this kind of person well, to the best of my ability, while at the same time not allowing this person to treat me shabbily, if I can help it.  All the while making intelligent decisions about the whole deal.  I still find myself somewhat vulnerable to these kinds of games that lead to so much trouble in my younger days.  This particular game with this particular person persists after, like, seven to nine months, by my accounting.  That's still pretty vulnerable.

I've said many times that I've quit smoking, drinking, drugs, and pursuing unavailable women.  That last one represents a really tough one, because that project evolves and grows, and now represents the most challenging thing of those four things to abstain from.  I've talked often about a certain young woman in my world, and I count her on my radar since, at least, the beginning of June of last year.  I truly do not think I've pursued her romantically in any way, but all of this writing about her, plus whatever has gone on in the real world, amounts to one hell of a cat and mouse game, I reckon.

The fact that this cat and mouse game endures to this day, with no real resolution to the conflict, indicates to me that this young woman is not available, I'm pretty sure.  I hope that my latest move, to not patronize her business when I think she might work there, plus suggest that she hang out with my friend out on the town where I might run into her, amounts to myself drawing a line in the sand.  That kind of setting boundaries can really help me in letting go of such a person.  I remember putting a Facebook friend request in for a young woman a couple of years ago, and the fact that she did not accept it made all of her subsequent flirtations with me whenever I'd see her meaningless.  I hope, I hope, I hope this works.  Like I said, I think God's giving me plenty of chances to get these Unavailable Women Deals right, and I see this as an opportunity to let this person go.

 I've talked about a certain person on this blog for quite some time now.  I've been thinking about what rights this person has in regards to how I relate to them versus what privileges I will grant this person in relation to me.  This person has a RIGHT to not feel harassed, intimidated, attacked, or otherwise subjected to any form of abuse in any online platform or anywhere in the real world.  That constitutes rights this person has, among others I can't think of right now.   Whether I approach this person or not for social reasons or even favor them with attention in any form, online or in the real world, falls more in the realm of privileges, to my way of seeing things.

Privileges, in regards to our deal at this time, include whether or not I patronize this business at a time when I figure she might work there.  For the time being, I've decided to not do that anymore.  That would fall in line with whether I try to talk to this person or interact with them in any way, and I don't want to do that either.  I've never really talked to this person.  Oh, and no, I'm not asking this person out in front of God and everyone at their place of employment, and maybe not anywhere else, should I run into them elsewhere.  Whether I go out with this person after all depends on them and what they want to do about it.  I really can't see going on any more than a date or two with this person under the current  set of circumstances.

If all this sounds like a bunch of silly-ass demands from a middle-aged-going-on-elderly, overweight, mentally ill man trying to read  the Riot Act to a very viable, datable, maybe-not-even-single, young woman who has a wealth of options available to her at virtually any time for that sort of thing, well, I refer the reader who has gotten this far to just look at the headline of this post.  I know.  I know.  I know.  But, I think this represents a better approach than trying to "forgive" (see previous posts about forgiveness);  I think this approach is better than essentially rewarding this person for "going there" with me the way she did these past few weeks.

I explained my plight in regards to women at this business last night to a guy I know who now works there.  I talked about how I would write these posts and wonder if ANYONE in my world- the world I live in day to day- if anyone in my world, which includes employees at this business, actually reads them like I maybe think they do.

Maybe I'll see this person I'm talking about out on the town with my friend sometime.   He's about my age, but he looks better than me, and he doesn't seem to be the type women like her want to take for the kind of ride they all seem so keen on taking me on.  So yeah, maybe he'd be a better date for this girl than I would.  He's really nice, and she never went there with him, and probably never would.

I wanted to sit on these thoughts for a bit before airing them, but the way I do things tends to involve just getting stuff out there regardless.  In the eighties I had several situations that went sideways that all have some things in common.  One of the elements of these disastrous outcomes I've talked about involved how I'd try to forgive young women for meanness towards me.  I now conclude that I would forgive these women with the hope that I would receive material things in return.  Things such as love, sex, companionship, acceptance by these women and those around us- quite a lot actually.

What motivated some of these women to have anything to do with me in the first place?  What put them on the scene that precipitated things going sideways?  I think a common motivation for a lot of these women stemmed from a desire for love and acceptance.  I think some of them, such as Katy, wanted me to like them in spite of how they treated me.  I think Wanda, whom I talk about often in these posts, wanted acceptance from my group of friends.  I think, especially in the case of Wanda, but Katy as well, they really didn't think things through before going out with me.

Katy told me she loved me and generally had me wrapped around her little finger on our first date on New Year's Eve, 1984/85.  She  got me to confess my virgin status as we made out at a party in a theater downtown.  She told me she loved me, and that she had broken up with her boyfriend.  So I thought if I played my cards right, I could have sex with her.  She told me the real deal with her boyfriend a couple of weeks later, and that was that.  Katy obviously felt bad for her actions.  So much so that she agreed to go out with me one night the following Summer.  I was all hot to get laid once and for all, and things went bad in my truck that night.  I had to apologize to Katy a couple of days later.

Wanda, in September of 1986, laughed in my face at a party where I had a psychotic episode. At that party, I'd hoped to connect with a girl named "Donna" that I had fixated on all Summer.  My friends seemed to universally consider me an object of scorn and ridicule for my obsessive fixation on Donna, whom I'd only met once, briefly, and who had a boyfriend.  At that party, which was large, it seemed as if everyone knew about my fixation on Donna and considered me an object of scorn and ridicule.  That freaked me out.  When Wanda came up and laughed in my face, that constituted only one of several gestures of contempt towards me that friends and people I didn't know showed me.

The following weekend I ran into Donna at another party.  At the party where I had the breakdown, she scowled at me as I walked by, and she left soon after.   The following weekend, I walked up and introduced myself to Donna and talked to her in a nice manner.  That seemed to change a lot of people's minds about me, and a few months later it looked as if Wanda had taken an interest in me.

In the Spring Semester of 1987, I discovered that I had Wanda in a math class.  She demonstratively expressed a desire to study with me at the end of the first class.  Again, I thought that all I had to do was play my cards right and I could successfully date Wanda.  We went out on several dates where me made out pretty seriously at her apartment door, but she would never let me close the deal.

A hostess at the restaurant where Wanda waited tables threw a party at an apartment.  Wanda met me there, and one of the first things I remember involved Wanda introducing me to some guy.  The way the guy shook hands with me has stuck with me to this day.  He had kind of a wide eyed look on his face when we stood face to face, and his grip was soft and gentle.  Another thing I remember first thing at that party involved recognizing a couple of Vernon Hoe's friends.  I'd played touch football with Vernon and these two brothers soon after that traumatic party of the previous September.  I think I played with them on the Sunday after that party where I'd made things right with Donna.  Anyway, these two brothers lived next door to the hostess at the restaurant where Wanda worked.

Decades later, I concluded that the hostess had introduced one of the brothers, who had a disfigured face from an accident, to Wanda sometime before I'd arrived.  I also concluded, decades later, that Wanda and the hostess competed for the affections of the guy Wanda had made a point of introducing me to, and that the hostess wanted to show disrespect towards Wanda by introducing her to the "ugly" guy.  In essence, this handsome waiter (manager?) from the restaurant was Wanda's "real" boyfriend, and I was just a beard, I guess.  Some more weeks went by where I could not close the deal with Wanda, and then, one night in her car, as we made out pretty heavily, I made a crude sexual proposition to Wanda.

I've only recently concluded that Wanda desired acceptance from my group of friends, and that motivated her to put up this front where she pretty much pretended to be my girlfriend.  Maybe she thought that I could step in and really date her if things didn't work out with this other guy, and that she could string me along until then.  Like I said, I don't think she thought things through very well.

Like I said in my last post, God seems to want me to have plenty of chances to get these kinds of deals right.  I just came out and said some things that might or might not have relevance to my life and the life of some of those around me in these days.  I don't know.  I guess if I perceived that a particular party seems to have some interest in me, the real motivation behind this interest might involve some of the things I've talked about in the above stories.  If that were the case, I would tell this person that she need not worry about being accepted by those around her, or by me, to the point where both her own best interests and mine might become compromised.  I've been in plenty of situations where those around me perceived me as the bad guy, and I've found that letting go of the notion that some kind of deal has to go through in order for things to work out proved the best frame of mind to have.

I've talked often about dilemmas I've faced with women in my past.  I told Vernon Hoe that these similar looking deals I find myself in with often really attractive young women compel me to look at the whole of them in this way: That God is giving me plenty of chances to get it right.   And so it goes.  One more time.  That's not to say I'm going to find anything I'm looking for anytime soon.  Maybe I will, maybe I won't.  God just wants me to get this one kind of deal right.  Over and over and over again.