My time with Jeannette, when I dated her for a month and then broke up with her, taught me some things.  The main thing I learned was this: If I feel as if someone is treating me bad, It's okay for me to leave the situation I find myself in with them, and it's okay for me to do so even if that person loves me.

I broke up with Jeannette in January of 1986.  We'd dated for a month.  She was someone who declared that she wasn't interested in dating me at first, but she came around later.  Before she came around, I'd had a major psychotic episode that centered around my fixation on Veronica Ortega.  Veronica never loved me.  Jeannette loved me, but the experience of her love came after I'd been through a lot, and I just felt exhausted and exasperated  by the whole business.

I guess that former cashier is only doing the best she can with this torture of me from afar.  I think maybe people-perhaps people associated with me- have been coaching her on doing it this way.  I hope I was never ugly to her.  I hope she can forgive me if I was.  If some weeks and months pass and still no word from her, I suppose I'll have to let go of her, yet again.  The attraction I always had to her, and the attraction that only increased after she started in on me in February of 2019, only feels that more omnipresent now.  I definitely was the first to this dance, but I'm not going to blame her for arriving late.

I think that former cashier from that grocery store loves me, but that she's obviously getting something out of torturing me from afar.  I love her too, but this deal sucks for me.  Maybe this deal will last only another year, year and a half before she gets bored with torturing me from afar and moves on.  Then, maybe I could date someone else in about two years.  Maybe someone who's not so fucking beautiful as her.  God, this sucks.  This is just her ways, I suppose.  Yes, I'm trying to be nice.

I once wrote a post about an episode of “Tony ‘Brown’s Journal” I watched in the eighties where Tony Brown talked to famous black athletes  such as Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Edwin Moses. At the end of the episode Tony Brown put forth the question, “What is a champion?” One of the things several of these athletes emphasized had to do with how a champion faces down adversity. They all said that the crowd and the general public was not always going to be with you, but a that a champion will persevere through those times. They said that a champion was not a guy who ALWAYS wins, but who could persevere through times off loss and come out of it a champion.

I really took that to heart when I watched these men say those things. My world dropped a big, giant, steaming turd on my head a couple of months later, in September of 1986 at a party where I tried to connect with “Donna.” When I wrote the post on this blog about that episode of “Tony Brown’s Journal”  in the late twenty-tens, I was still living down the fallout from those times. I guess what I wrote on that blog post sounded like a big joke to a lot of people out there.

This past weekend, once again, I came face to face with the notion that I have an internet presence that I did not consent to. This guessed-at internet presence may have quite a large audience. The audience for this internet presence may include a lot of women I don’t know and a lot of people, men and women both, that I do know. What do I want to do about it? I want to be patient about it. I want to be patient and look for my opportunity to act. Then, I will administer this internet presence yet another righteous ass kicking of a kind not unlike the righteous ass kickings I have already doled out.

​In November of 2018, I first guessed at this internet presence on this blog. That was the first ass kicking, I reckon. In October of 2021, I masterfully approached that former cashier for social reasons while she bagged groceries at her job. Ass kicking number two. Ass kicking number three came in November of 2023. Fuck you. Are you ready for ass kicking number four? I got all day to administer number four.

Well, I think my last post proves what I’ve been on about for years, because I now feel as if I know that former cashier better than I ever would have known her if I had ever chased her to the ends of the earth and back.  I’ve written it here and said it to some people in life. I’ve said, when I like someone, I want to get to know them better, and I know I will never get to know anything about someone such as that former cashier by chasing her to the ends of the earth and back. I said in my last blog post that I think that former cashier may have never had an experience of taking proactive steps to let someone go that she had mixed feelings about. I theorized such an opinion after observing how she seemed unable to let go of our deal in the wake of my proactive steps to cut her loose.

I still like her. With my revelation I outlined in my last post, I find that my frustration over her attempts to torment me from afar has evaporated.  My whole approach to women such as her comes from many years of mental and emotional instability that I can attribute to my hangups with women such as her. Cutting her off at the knees, so to speak, works so much better for me than trying to be a good guy and work things out with her.  Being a good guy and trying to work things out can just serve as another term for mindless, obsessive pursuit. Cutting her off at the knees, figuratively speaking, may sound ruthless, but is it really? Is cutting her off at the knees any worse than her attempts to torment me from afar?  Well, yeah, I guess there’s such a thing as fighting fire with fire.  Mind you, this is someone I LIKE, but that doesn’t mean I’d ever want to date her, and I’ve arrived at THAT conclusion from my years-long effort to get to know her better in ways that DON’T involve mindless, obsessive pursuit.

When I came up in my teens and twenties, a problem I had with girls and women right out of  the gate had to do with the fact that so many of them who appeared to display an interest in me socially and romantically actually represented themselves as interested under false pretenses.  This went all the way back to high school.  There were two girls back then who represented themselves as available and interested in me when, in fact, they both had boyfriends and therefore had other agendas with me that had nothing to do with wanting to be my girlfriend.  One wanted the acceptance and approval of our mutual male friend who told her I was "cool."  The other had this boyfriend who, I found out years later, would talk to other guys about how he wanted to "get rid of her."  She acted interested in me because, I suppose, she wasn't getting the attention she wanted from this boyfriend.

At the onset of my major mental illness in the fall and winter of 1984, this problem of women representing themselves as available and interested in me only got much, much worse.  In the following years, all sorts of factors contributed to the extreme worsening of this particular problem.  These problems involved coming off as a naive virgin to someone such as "Katie" in 1984/1985, coming across as a weirdo to women in classes at UT, coming across as a dangerous, obsessive stalker type to friends such as "Suckmeat" and his righteous girlfriend "Fuckfacia."  The episode that really sent things over the top was, of course, my crude sexual proposition to "Wanda" in her car during a heavy make out session in February of 1987.  That got me branded as a real bad guy type.

So when Sara started in on me during the spring semester of 1988, the problem of women representing themselves as something they were not to me had reached an all-time low.  That was when I took the "what if I turned my back on love" path that allowed me to finally shake a lot of that albatross around my neck off starting in November of 2023.  The turn my back on love path I took involved proactively spotting a problematic situation in the making with Sara in 1988 and making the intelligent decision to cut her loose in August of that year.  I didn't even know her name at the time, and so it goes that I never went out on one date with her, nor did I even try to approach her for social reasons, really.

That former cashier from that grocery store I still patronize seems intent, by my reckoning, on continuing to try to torment me from a distance.  Mind you, the reason I think she's continuing on this course of action has to do with how I cut her loose in January of 2022.  She's still not over that, to my way of seeing things.  I don't know that she ever really wanted me or cared for me, but something about how I just up and bailed from the situation I found myself in with her seems to bother her to this day.  I don't really know whether or not what I'm about to write is actually true, but it seems to me as if she is able to get women in my world to represent themselves as available and interested in me under false pretenses.  To my way of seeing things, this has happened with two different women in the past several months.

What the hell?  Does this former cashier from that grocery store not have any ability to sympathize with my chosen course of action in the decisions I made to cut her loose?  Why, it's almost as if she's never embarked on such a course of action herself with someone in her own life.  Whoa, okay, that might be it!  She's never had the personal experience of proactively cutting someone loose due to her extremely mixed feelings about that person and her extremely mixed feelings about the situation she found herself in with that person.  Has she allowed, like, every situation and relationship with such a person to blossom into some total shit show that she couldn't let go of until the decision to let go of that person was made for her?

I mean, if she'd ever taught herself to be proactive about such people in her life, one would think she would at least recognize a kindred spirit in me and feel a great deal of sympathy for the decisions I made over the years to let go of her.  She might not think I did the right thing in letting her go, but she could at least have enough respect for me and my own personal sovereignty in such matters to just let it go and move on.  In continuing to try to just torment me with these dilemmas she tries to throw my way, she doesn't seem willing or able to just let something like this go.  She's got to be around twenty-six or twenty-seven now.  I put myself on a more proactive path with regard to problematic women at the age of twenty-three.  The problem was so acute me for me by that time.  Maybe that puts me one up on her in an aspect of one's personal skill set in the over all scheme of things.

I find these young women so attractive, too.  My psychiatrist seems intent on driving the point home to me that there is NO WAY these young women I've talked about with her could EVER, EVER have any kind of interest in getting to know me better.  That may very well be true.  If that is the case, then maybe it's just as well, because, for me personally, learning how to spot problematic situations that involve women I have a strong attraction to, and subsequently making intelligent, proactive decisions to cut such women loose before any real trouble has a chance to start, is as important a skill in life as learning how to operate and maintain a car, or learning how to plan, shop for, and cook one's own food, or learning how to keep a clean living space, or learning how to get a job, hold down a job, and leave a job on good terms with the employer.  I mean, shit man, I don't think I want to get involved with a woman who, no matter how attractive she is, does not yet have the skill set to let go of a problematic romantic love situation before things get really intense and dark.  For me, that one goes up there with well-groomed, and tries good enough to look her best, doesn't smoke crack, or meth, or do heroin, and stuff like that.

And that's it, man.  I doubt any twenty-one year old girl that I find really attractive has the experience of being proactive in the manner I've outlined in the above paragraphs.  And if, in spite of what my psychiatrist tries to drill into my head these days, a woman that young does want to get to know me better, that question about their experience, or lack of experience, in doing things like that would be one of the first things I'd want to know about them.  I could see myself totally leveling with such a young woman and emphasizing how important this particular skill set is for anyone I'd want to date, casually or seriously.  Seriously, I don't want some hypothetical young woman I might date these days to wind up, like, thirty years from now on some therapist's couch trying to sift through the wreckage that my cutting her loose after dating her for, say,  six months visited on her life from there on out.

And here's the reason why that kind of thing might happen if I date some twenty, twenty-one, or twenty-two year old.  If this hypothetical attractive young woman were to date some guy close to her age, and they broke up, and she concluded that he treated her shabbily in the over all scheme of things, she could at least truthfully say to herself, "He's just a kid like me, he doesn't know anything."  BUT, if I dated said hypothetical young woman and things ended in a less than amicable way, my age and experience in life might falsely signal to her that any bad treatment of her by me had some air of legitimacy that a young guy's bad treatment of her didn't have, and then that kind of thing could send her to the therapist's couch for the next thirty or forty years.  Fuck that!

Over the past week or so, I've noticed a few attractive young woman talking to me or otherwise vying for my attention. Okay, I'll just say it.  I think that the former cashier from that grocery store wants me to feel wanted and loved.  I think I see her in a whole new light, now.  I think my posts that talked about wanting to be friends with that former cashier marked a breakthrough in our, hopefully, FORMERLY stalemated deal.

Now, I have no idea whether or not that former cashier will show up in my world in the coming days or weeks, but I think my desire to at least be friends with her resonated with a lot of women out there.  I think these women have a sincere wish that more men could accept the realities of so many women they desire and vie for a friendship with such women when these men feel no romantic love relationship seems possible.

Well, if that's the case, I feel as if I can just enjoy my life as is and not necessarily try to get a bunch of dates with these young women that now talk to me as of this past week or so.  This post may seem like grandiose, delusional nonsense to a lot of people out there, but I'm just trying to add things up.  If it's all the same to those out there, I'll play to the notion that the former cashier has a hand in the attention I've been getting from attractive young women lately. 

Does anyone out there remember my post about "cooling myself out of the picture?"  What if I do just that, now?  Will I stupidly let opportunities to get with very attractive young women slip through my fingers if I even FLIRT with the notion of cooling myself out of the picture?  I'm curious about that.  The possible ramifications of coming off as cool about this attention from attractive, young women, should it last, intrigues me more than trying to, figuratively, catch falling drops of scattered rain by running after each falling drop with cupped hands. 

Okay, so now, from where I sit, it looks as if there is no very attractive young woman in my world who has been really shitty to me since, say, last April, who now has an interest in getting to know me better.  Okay, that means I'm free to continue on with the concepts in my last post speaking purely in hypotheticals.  So, IF there actually existed a very attractive young woman in my world that actually did want to get to know me better as of this writing, here's why I would vie for a platonic friendship with such a person.  I would trade an "opportunity" to get with such a person intimately, and by extension, romantically for being treated in a kind and loving manner by such a person in the context of a platonic friendship ANY...FUCKING...DAY.  Any day, oh yeah. You betcha. If the only way I could be treated like an actual human being by such a person more likely resides in the sphere of a platonic friendship, I'll take the platonic friendship over the supposed opportunity to get with such a person in an intimate, romantic way.  Absolutely, no question. 

If some really attractive young woman who has been shitty towards me in the past few months wants to now get to know me better, I would say yes to that.  Here's the catch, this hypothetical attractive young woman would have to accept getting to know me better on MY TERMS.  My terms are, I will accept being platonic friends with such an as-of-now hypothetical young woman.  I mean by "platonic friends" the following:  they can date whomever the hell they want except me.  That's right, it's the same deal I was willing to offer that former cashier from that grocery store I still patronize.  She never showed.  What I'm saying then, is if anyone out there in my world wants to step up and take that former cashier's place, then by all means, be my guest.  We can be platonic friends.  

​

Back in the 2010's, I had to deal with that virgin girl.  That virgin girl worked at that grocery store I still patronize.  The first shot across my bow from that virgin girl came during the summer of 2014.  I stood in the checkout line, and this other young woman, another employee of this grocery store, looked at a her cell phone and said something to another coworker about how "this is my first time."  I knew she was referring to that virgin girl in an out-of-context way.  Before that young woman made that remark, I'd never even thought about whether or not that virgin girl was a virgin, but there you have it.  That virgin girl was such an uber-babe that I knew that remark that the fellow coworker uttered half to herself, half to someone else, referred, somehow, to that virgin girl.

I was very, very frightened at the prospect of having to deal with that virgin girl on the psychoverse level.  I was having trouble staying compliant on the antipsychotic medication I was taking at the time. I would skip doses with ever increasing frequency, due to the way the medicine would sedate me so much it made me feel terrible.  Add to that the fact that this was THE GROCERY STORE(!) THE FUCKING GROCERY STORE? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  I figured that virgin girl heard about my mental illness through one of her coworkers who knew me socially.  The guy who talked about my mental illness did not have any bad intent when he talked about it to someone at that grocery store, but there you are.

Long story short, I busted that virgin girl in January, 2015 after a long, arduous mental ordeal.  I thought about this friend who looked at her phone and talked about "first time" during the summer of 2014.  She seemed like the nicest young woman one could ever meet.  She often had this emotive, expressive facial expression that seemed to reveal her as a careworn young woman who felt TOO MUCH and worried about any number of things under the sun TOO OFTEN and with TOO MUCH INTENSITY.  She seemed really sweet.  And you know what? She WAS really sweet.  She thought she was doing that virgin girl and I a big favor with that "first  time" remark.  That had to be it.  She was hoping to bring me and that virgin girl together in a romantic way.  She thought that virgin girl had a genuine, sincere interest in me. Little did she know.

A long time ago, I realized that it would do me well to always serve as the last line of defense when I find myself dealing with the virgin girls of this world.  I've had friends, a family member, and a therapist as people who would vouch for, or otherwise give me the thumbs up on whether or not to take the wrong woman seriously in a dating/romance scenario, and boy, could these people be wrong, often.  I've had trusted friends do everything from be fooled by someone such as Wanda, or, in one case, just flat out lie to me about the nature of their relationship with a woman in hopes of getting me to "take her off my hands."  I've definitely taught myself how to be my last line of defense, and a BIG turning point in achieving that goal came from my dealings with that virgin girl.  I still feel bad for that virgin girl's friend.  I hate having friends like that.