These past couple of weeks I've talked about how I've, once again, decided to stop patronizing this one particular business during hours when I thought one particular female employee might work there.  I made this same decision about this same person last Summer and stayed away from her for six weeks.  

Today I thought about going in there when this particular employee might work a shift there.  This second time, I decided to stop going to this place at these times and days for the foreseeable future, but I wondered today about relenting.   I figured that I would just refrain from trying to reach out to this person, because I figured that such a gesture would come across like an attempt to punch my way through some social brick wall.  In other words, it wouldn't come off well at all.  So today I thought maybe I could just go in there when she worked there but refrain from trying to punch my way through some social brick wall.

But then this line of thinking came to me: My biggest criticism of the experiment in my youth that I tried with Sara, the experiment to see what happened if I tried to turn my back on love, my biggest criticism of that experiment resides in the notion that I did not take the experiment far enough.  I really only tried the experiment in full effect that one time, and right after Sara, the woman I now call "Linda" in these posts took a big shit all over me, and then after Linda, Myrna took a big shit all over me as well.

How would taking this experiment far enough in regards to this young woman at this one business manifest itself?  I think that I do not want to go to this business if I think this person might work a shift at that time on that day for a long, as yet undefined period of weeks, and maybe months.  I'm so tired of having to deal with women who remind of the bad old days of my youth.

I saw a young woman this past weekend at an event.  I'd written her a note on her contact page on her website, but she never wrote back.  I'd written her that note because when I saw her about a month ago at another event, she seemed really glad to see me and greeted me warmly.  The note just pointed out my website and the Monica story on the home page.  She seemed a little more guarded and reserved this last time I talked to her.  I only talked to her a little and went on my way.

I'm fine with her coming off a little guarded and reserved.  I had some hope that she would have written me back after I wrote to her and that we could have gone out, but seeing as how that didn't happen, I'm okay with setting some boundaries.  If some attractive young woman comes off as friendly as she did, I think it's okay to run something like my note on her contact page up the flagpole and see if she salutes.  If she doesn't, that's fine, and I know where I really stand with her.  My intent in reaching out in such a way has nothing to do with setting boundaries.  I'm always at least somewhat hopeful that something more to my liking will happen than setting boundaries yet again.  As long as I'm not shitty in any way to such a person in my efforts or in the aftermath, I'm okay with doing such things.

I saw this young woman at a food service business that I patronize for the first time in three weeks.  Three weeks ago I invited her to see me play at the open mike at the Posse East on the next Tuesday night.  She said that she had a prior commitment, but that she'd try to make it.  She didn't show up.  

So, my next move consisted of not going to this particular food service place for two weeks.  The reason I took this course of action had to do with how I would come across.  I didn't want to go in there the following Wednesday or Thursday and come off like I'm some great guy about being stood up and what I great guy I was being about it, because that kind of thing comes off as manipulative, nice-guy bullshit to my way of seeing things.  

So I saw her today, and she was really nice and said she was sorry she couldn't make it, because she had her prior commitment to attend to, which is fine with me.  I think that I will just leave it at that, and not ask her out again.  The way I see it, I managed to break  the ice with my initial invitation, and now she can return my serve if she wants to, or not.  I saw a YouTube video by a woman named Appollonia Ponti that likened the dating game to a tennis match.  For example: I call someone once, and I don't call them again until they call me back once.  If they don't call me back, I don't call them at all anymore.  That's a good general rule of thumb, and I think that one could follow that rule in most instances.  That keeps the whole one-sided thing down to a minimum.     

I just read a comment from a Jezebel article where the contributor offhandedly mentions a society that "treats one gender as sexual gatekeepers and another gender as voracious consumers" before she makes a more specific point about sex work.  I like that.   I'm supposed to belong to the gender of voracious consumers that constantly tries to curry favor from the sexual gatekeeper gender.

What if I find myself in a situation with a gatekeeper that I want to reject?  Is that something I'm not supposed to do?  Several years ago, at one of these businesses I patronize, I found myself in just such a situation with that virgin girl.  That virgin girl was around twenty-one, really pretty, and seemed in overall very good health.  I was fifty, obese, and I made no attempt to conceal my mental health diagnosis.

The occasion she fired a shot across my bow in order to initiate engagement with me I found very frightening.  A young female coworker looked into her phone and mentioned something about "my first time."  This particular young woman was a mother, so I didn't think the out-of-context remark referred to herself.  I connected the remark to her virgin girl coworker, because that virgin girl was the queen bee of that whole lot at that time.

I became very paranoid and frightened at the situation I found myself in.  I called a male friend soon after the "first time" remark and told him my concerns in a very distressed tone.  He calmed me down and advised me not to reach out to the virgin girl.  He asked me if I wanted to date this young woman, and I said, "In a perfect world, maybe."

In the coming months, I wrestled with the notion of putting myself out there in some way in order to get with her.  I remember a young male employee at this particular business giving me a look as if some madness kept me from just going for it, but soon after that, I decided to stop patronizing this business for like, a month.

After a month I decided to just deal with it.  I went back and forth over whether to try to engage with this young woman somehow, but  all the while I referenced my time with Sara in 1988.  The world didn't come to an end when I decided to not engage with Sara back then.   On the contrary, I achieved new heights of insight and self-control as a result of my restraint.  So much so that I think I really modified my behavior quite a bit in the coming years, even after I came to the conclusion, some two years after the fact, that I'd made some tragic mistake in letting Sara go .

So, dealing with the virgin girl.  I would talk to her a little in the course of going about my business at her place of employment, but nothing to write home about.  For someone who supposedly had some kind of interest in me, she didn't seem much obliged to put herself out there for my sake.

I talked to Vernon Hoe about I how I applied the Sara template to this situation, and if I stayed true to the template, I would eventually cut this young woman loose without asking her on a date or anything like that.  I told Vern that I couldn't have done better in my situation with Sara if I'd had a hundred chances to do so.  That statement implied that I saw no real opportunity to get with Sara, even in hindsight, because Sara turned out to be gay.  One may debate "opportunity" in the context of such a revelation, but she was not the love of my life that I made her out to be when I thought I'd made a terrible mistake in cutting her loose.

I later told Vern that I'd lied when I said that I couldn't have improved on my handling of the situation with Sara.   I said that the only way I could improve my handling of that situation would involve cutting Sara loose sooner than I did.  I had that in mind when I cut that virgin girl loose in January 2015.  I figured that she just wanted me to really put myself out there at her place of employment, and then WAMMO, the axe would fall.  I remember the day I looked askance at her after my decision, and how she exclaimed, "YOU LIED!  YOU LIED!" to a male manager a few moments after I gave her that look.  About a month later, her pregnancy showed.

So, I, as a voracious consumer, was not supposed to reject a situation that seemed to present a opportunity with a sexual gatekeeper, but I did.  I want to emphasize that I merely rejected the situation that I saw set up.  The situation that I saw set up seemed to involve me punching my way through some social brick wall in order to ask her on a date, and I refused.  If I detected a more genuine offer of engagement that would have even afforded me the opportunity to decide love, girlfriend, and relationship, yes or no, I might well have decided differently.  That's not the situation I rejected at all.  In other words, if I'd been given an opportunity to accept or reject HER, and not just the situation, a different outcome would seem much more likely.

I systematically rejected the same situation with other female employees at this one business in the years since that virgin girl's day on the docket.  I do so to this day, and I reiterate, it's not even so much the women themselves I reject, it's more the bullshit situation they seem so keen on setting up.  

An example of rejecting the woman and not just the situation involves someone else I've talked about recently.  Briefly, I said that one reason I rejected this person involved the remark she made, twice, that she doesn't compete for men.  She had this self-satisfied smirk on her face both times she said that to me.   The first time I could hear this smirk over the phone, and the second time I saw it on her face.  I had an opportunity to have sex with her, but I turned it down.  That pretty much got the ball rolling on rejecting her, which I did.  We never went on a second date.

Am I bucking my role in our society as the voracious consumer in regards to the sexual gatekeeper? Fine with me.  Like, I don't have the right to reject any person or situation I decide to reject.  If being a mentally ill man in his fifties who rejects bullshit women and bullshit situations-and I again emphasize these can be two different things entirely- if that makes me a rebel than so be it.

My last post might have come off a pretty rough towards someone.  I'm sorry.  I need to remember that this person is quite young, and has not experienced the kinds of things I've experienced.  I care enough for this person that I don't want to do any real harm.  I care for this person a great deal.  I just don't feel comfortable reaching out to this person in a way they would find meaningful.  I just don't know what is going on.  I will try to refrain from posting anything this person might find hurtful, but my mind is made up.  I just want to move on.

My last posts may have given the mistaken impression that I will try to keep some lonely vigil for those parties I've had some interest in these past several months.  That won't happen.  The last time I looked, I still have a contact page on this website that anyone can access and utilize if they would have something to say to me.  If anyone I've talked about doesn't want to come forward themselves to me, then I suggest they tell a third party whatever it is they want to say and that party may then contact me.

Like I said, I've never, ever dated someone that I perceived to go down an adversarial road in regards to me.  I guess someone somewhere has had some kind of a relationship with someone who initially approached them adversarially, but that's never happened for me, and I've never known of a single solitary male friend who ever had that story to tell about anyone they ever dated.  That kind of thing exists in romantic comedies, but maybe only there when it comes down to it.  So, I have no interest in keeping some flame alive for an unavailable party.  That is all.

I've written about how I've never dated any women whom I believed came at me in an adversarial manner.  This is true.  I talked to a male friend the other night, and we both agreed that we'd never known of a guy friend who dated someone who had it in for them at first.  He said he'd never dated someone that shook out like that, so it's not just my own lack of experience and supposed ineptitude with women that explains why I've never dated someone like that, even though I've felt that many, many women have come after me initially in an adversarial manner.

What definitely has happened though, is that quite a number of women in my past lives came to see that I was not the bad guy they'd initially made me out to be, and quite a number of women came to care for me a great deal, even though I never went on one date with any of them.  This really happened in earnest when I attended grad school at SVA in New York City in 1990/91.  I pretty much had a nervous breakdown that time, and I was still seen as a loose cannon after my moment, but I do feel as if a lot of the young women in that school saw me in a different light than before. 

So, to say that many women in my past cared for me is not a small thing.  Regardless of what paths the women in my world take in their personal lives, I think I can say that some of them care for me a bit- maybe even more than a bit.  It's a lot to ask of a young woman to actually date me, but to have the sense that, like I said in my last post, that such a person cares for me enough to be on my side in life is a big deal to me.

And, the young woman I've been writing about has me on her side too, regardless of how things shake out in the end.  Like I said, an expectation of a romantic love relationship from such stuff seems like too much to ask, but if I get off of the idea that anything short of a full blown romantic love relationship just does not count for anything, well there you are.

Okay, I think that this young woman I've been writing about was never really available for me or interested in me in a romantic love context.  I think, however, that she became someone who was "for" me, as in someone who was on my side in life.  I don't know the extent that she was not for me before she looked at me that one time, but I think she became someone who was for me in life.  I connected her to Linda, an old adversary, and I don't know whether that has any basis in reality.  My best guess is that she may very well read what I write here after all, and that she may have read or heard about the way my last two issues of my comic developed in the storyline, and that converted her to someone who is for me in life.  I think my refusal to pursue her romantically indicates that I am for her in the larger sense, because I refused to act on such impulses until I felt like I had a better sense of what all might be going on.  Yes I am for her.  Yes I am.

I've written all Summer about that one young woman in my world, so much so that one may just randomly pick a post from these past several  months and find something about her.  Yep, I've been following the template I created in regards to Sara back in 1988 in just about every aspect of my game with this young woman.  For newer readers of this blog, check out the post, "I'm not bad," from January of 2016 for reference.

I use the word "game" with some reservation, because I think what I've done in reality is look out for both of our best interests in the most efficient, constructive way I know how.  I've refrained from favoring her with a lot of in-person attention.  I've refused to pursue her romantically, really.  I just don't think that obsessively pursuing her is going to serve either of our best interests.

If I had to pick between my dealings with many young women back then and apply them to how I relate to a young woman such as her (the young woman I see at this one business I patronize) these days; between Veronica Ortega, Katy, Julie James, Wanda, Donna, Anna, Jenna, Linda, Myrna, Gwen, Ann Marie, or Sara;  without question, hands down, unequivocally, how I related to Sara would win by many, many lengths.  No doubt about it.  No, I did not go on one date with Sara, nor did I even know her name until several years after she came onto the scene and left.  But, of all those young woman I listed; all young women I thought about A LOT to the point of obsession back in those days, I looked out for both my own and Sara's best interests much, much better than I did with any of the others.

I look back on my time with Sara with much more fondness than any of the others.  Make no mistake about it, in reality Sara could come off as a sourpuss, bitchy little thing a good deal of the time, but I didn't have to put up with a lot of that, because I hardly associated with her at all.

Until further notice, this young woman gets the Sara Template.  As far as I can tell, based on my own personal experience almost exclusively, how I related to Sara back then, and how I've related to quite a few young woman in my world these days, from that virgin girl, to her friend, to the Invisible Woman and others beyond and beforehand, is how an obsessive guy like myself is SUPPOSED to relate to the obsessed upon parties I've encountered these past several years.  If any men out there who find themselves similarly afflicted as I have with an overwhelming obsession with unavailable women and want advice on how to get with the object of their desire, I've got nothing for them. I mean, I haven't the slightest idea how I would go about picking up this young woman.  Not the slightest idea in the world.  But, if any men with a tendency to obsess on unavailable women want to free themselves of that obsession (Anyone read any posts from me lately that talk about the Invisible Woman? Anyone?), I can go on all day in the same vein as this post.  That is all. 

   

I just got back from a coffee shop where I sat by this young guy making real smooth time with two young women.  His game has been good to the point where mine will never be, probably.  My "game" looks like an endless barrage of fits and starts with a lot of failure thrown in in comparison to someone like that.

I invited a young woman to an open mike that I played tonight.  She didn't show.  She had prior commitments, but she said she'd try to make it, but she didn't.  She works at one of these food service businesses that I patronize on a regular basis.  I guess that makes me oh-fer-19 on the waitresses and baristas in my world now.  I've been keeping a tally that goes back to 2005 and continues up to...tonight, I guess.  The only reason that it's oh-fer-19 and not higher is that I stopped counting a while back, but I decided to pick up where I knew I last left off on my count.

What to do now?  Well, the first thing I'm NOT doing is going to the business where this young woman works for at least two weeks or so.  Why?  Because the last thing I want to do is go in there a day or two from now and try to come off as a great guy to this young woman about being stood up and proceed to kiss her ass and tell her what a great person she is or any of that.  Nope, not happening.  I think that kind of thing is very manipulative to the point of being disrespectful.

The flip side of that equation involves unwittingly rewarding her for standing me up.  If I go in tomorrow or the next day and try to come off as some great guy, I would give her "free" attention to the point where she might say to herself, "What if I just told this geezer to go piss up a rope?  What would I get in return for that, if this is how he's acting in regards to me standing him up?"  Nope, not gonna happen.

What I will do is wait a while, two weeks or so, go in and play it off as if none of that ever happened.  That would include my offer to her to come out and see me play.  If she doesn't say anything about any of it, I'll just leave it at that.  Then, the only payoff I can see from asking her out in the first place and her just leaving it at that, is that I don't have to take her seriously any more if she comes off as super-friendly as she's been towards me previously.  I mean, I've seen her act that same way towards other regular male customers, so I can just chalk up what I kind of interpreted as special attention meant for me as something more democratic on her part.

I want to emphasize this one point; I DO NOT in any way think that this young woman will try to retaliate for my overture towards her, and I appreciate her for that.  I considered my invitation to her as a volley back into her court.  If nothing comes back when I do go back in there, that will be the end of that.

   

Oh, my god!  I am so fried from drawing the pages on my latest issue of my comic book.  I only worked on ten pages, but the work was intense.   I worked on twenty pages yesterday.  I still have twenty-eight pages to go at this stage, which is the second pass at all eighty pages with the pencils.  The second pass is the most involved pass, because it fills in the gestural sketches of the first pass.  The third pass will take about a week or five days.  Then the fourth pass is the final touches.  The fifth pass is more for quality control, and involves very little work.

That young girl I've been writing about seems okay with me letting her go.  I guess she just wanted to know why the hell I would so readily do that without really even making a move towards her at all.  I just had her as the type that I would obsess on.  The business where she works makes her pretty unapproachable for social reasons, to my way of seeing things.  The difficult-to-approach aspect of her deal would make me pretty crazy if I did seriously think about trying to make a move towards her.  I don't think she likes the idea of me obsessively pursuing her any more than I do.