Ideally, I'd like to go to the coffee shop only once in a while so that the trip becomes a special occasion.  Here's my gig flyer again.

I've just completed a comic book that chronicled how I experienced a hallucination about Anna.  "Anna" was a classmate I fixated on during the spring semester of 1986.  I experienced a hallucination about her in 1995.  The hallucination had me thwarting a serial killer who was stalking her.  In the hallucination I recruited the cool punks and Matt to help me save her.  I had a LOT of hallucinations of that nature during the early months of 1995.

From 2019 to 2025 I mixed it up with that former cashier from that grocery store.  I used every trick in the book to come to terms with my fixation on her.  She finally set me free in September or October of 2025 by letting me know that, yes. she really was not available, and that, finally, she just wanted to let bygones be bygones and allow me to walk away from that whole bad deal.  

If I could choose only one of those two experiences, I'd choose the experience I had concerning that former cashier over my heroic "recovered memories" of 1992 and 1995.  The recovered memories were just me being ill, while I actually had to employ brain power and make concrete decisions about that former cashier.  The way I let go of that former cashier, and how I prevailed in getting my wish to just let her go, healed a lot of wounds from my very painful twenties.

MInd you, if I actually did save Anna and all of those others, that would definitely be something.  But I'm talking about the WAY I experienced those heroic deeds versus the way I experienced dealing with that former cashier.  The experience regarding Anna and all of those others was more of an experience of my own mind, while the years I spent dealing with that situation with that former cashier was very much of this world.  

I've got a gig at the Carousel Lounge on Thursday, May 7th, from 4 to 5 p.m.  Here's some cover art for issue number 5 of "Richy Vegas Psychoverse."

Here"s a flyer for my gig in May.

My effort to refrain from patronizing that one coffee shop and that one diner goes along nicely, thank you.  What do I hope to accomplish with this effort?  Will I score points with those waitresses and baristas at those places?  Is that the reason to put so much effort into demonstrably proving that I am NOT relating to these women in such an obsessive manner as I might?  The simple answer to that central question, will I score points with these women, that simple answer is no, that is not  the reason to put forth this supreme effort.

It would be NICE to score points in such a manner with these waitresses and baristas (boy, would it ever), but that's not it.  The reason to put forth this supreme effort to refrain from patronizing these two businesses is the change it will make inside of ME.  Here's an analogy.  While looking up articles online on the phenomenon of people who stalk celebrities, I saw a picture of a very handsome young man holding a hand painted sign in an urban setting proclaiming his love for Taylor Swift.  I assume he stood outside of her residence in New York City exercising his free speech rights to peacefully proclaim his love for Taylor Swift in a public space.  

Now, if that young man decided one day to hang it up and just go home and never again stand outside of Taylor Swift's residence proclaiming his undying love for her, I don't think it would score points with Taylor Swift to such an extent that she would then pursue HIM romantically.  However, such a move by this young man to end his vigil outside of her residence might just spark a series of changes within him that might lead him to engage with desirable women and the world in general in a much more constructive and beneficial way.  In my case, I hope, I hope, I hope, that in my analogous situation I can learn to engage with women and the world in general in more constructive ways than in seeking out "opportunities" to hang around ostensibly unavailable women.

I've managed to succeed in my goal to refrain from visiting my usual coffee shop and diner where my usual waitress and barista suspects work.  Both of these very attractive young women have serious boyfriends, still, as far as I know, and I'm pleased with the money I'm saving by refraining from patronizing these businesses.  I feel as if I have a somewhat reasonable chance that they'll read this blog entry and know that my main goal right now is to refrain from spending so much money at the places that they work, and it's not because I'm still so very upset with either of them for any interactions that have gone on these past several months.

I think about a former friend of mine who, when I knew him, had a lot of success with picking up women and having girlfriends and whatnot, but he was also a bit of a scoundrel with these women as well.  I think about how it seems as if so many women seem to feel safer with someone such as him over an obsessive type such as myself. They may feel as if they have something to work with in him, while an obsessive type such as myself they tend to see as a hopeless case.  How can any kind of back and forth happen through a seemingly endless barrage of phone calls, or texts, or emails, or dm's that obsessive guys are notorious for sending?

Here's the thing, though.  My former friend was FINE with the way he was towards women and the world in general.  He would brag about his sexual exploits with stray women that would undermine his relationships with his one ex-wife and his girlfriends, and he would always say this one girlfriend that he would physically abuse, often, deserved that kind of treatment.  As for ME, the obsessive guy, I've wanted to make changes in how I relate to women since adolescence. 

I feel as if I've made significant changes with how I relate to women and the world in general these past twenty-five or so years.  I've given up a lot of bad habits such as smoking, drinking and drugs.  Giving up those bad habits allowed me to focus in on improving my relationship with women.  I've written on this blog often about the Cognitive Behavior mental exercises and challenges I've laid down before myself and I don't think I relate to individual women I'm attracted to as obsessively as I used to.  Refraining from patronizing this one diner and this one coffee shop is now directly tied to continuing on with the changes I've made in how I relate to women.

I've written often about my "What if I turned my back on love?" Cognitive Behavior experiment I first tried with a girl in college named Sara in 1988, and how I consciously revived that experiment in 2012.  By refraining from patronizing this one coffee shop and diner to the extent I used to patronize them, yeah, I may let some opportunities to get with these two women slip through my fingers, but they will not know me as someone who was obsessively underfoot in their lives at all times, either.  As an obsessive guy, I see those two scenarios as my choices in this situation.  Experience tells me to go ahead and let any supposed opportunities to get with either of these two women slip through my fingers, because I've got a lot to overcome with this obsessive guy label.

When I was eighteen I saw a girl I went on a few dates with in high school.  I initially asked her out because she'd flirted with me, hard, during a class one day.  On my first date with her I kissed her passionately when I let her off at her house.  I'd never kissed a girl like that before.  Soon after I saw her, arm in arm, walking through the halls of school, with her real boyfriend.  It took me a long time to understand what all that was about.  I heard years later that this boyfriend would talk about her in disparaging ways at the time he dated her.  He'd say that he wanted to, "Get rid of her," and shit like that.  I guess she wanted male attention from me that she wasn't getting from this boyfriend.  She probably didn't take me very seriously because I was so easily smitten by her charms.

When I saw her in that club at the age of eighteen, that boyfriend was long out of the picture, but my efforts with her had fizzled as well.  I remember being really depressed that night at seeing her.  I moped about the club not knowing what to do with myself in regard to her.  This as not the first time I'd felt this way.  At times, while still in high school, I'd  taken to driving by her house and walking by her in a lunchroom when I took vocational classes at the old Austin High and she took classes at Austin Community College.  As I'd ritually walk by her table in the lunchroom I'd stare at her and not want to talk to her.

Looking back at how depressed I became over that situation with her, I think about how I could have handled it better.  I never learned how to let go of problematic women until I taught myself how to do that when I was twenty-three in 1988.  That was the whole "What if I turned my back on love?" challenge I laid down for myself in regard to Sara.  That whole approach towards the dilemmas Sara presented to me altered my trajectory as to how I related to women in general from then on.  I consciously revived that experiment in 2012, and it's how I roll with problematic women these days.

Last year I had, by my count, six women represent themselves as interested in me, to a greater or lesser extent, under false pretenses.  I approached a couple of them for social reasons last year.  I don't have a problem with approaching those two women, because I assessed the situations after approaching them and just backed off and went on my way.  Again, I didn't learn how to do that with such women until I was twenty-three years old.

I went to the coffee shop for the first time in a week this morning.  I'd managed six days without patronizing a restaurant or a coffee shop before my trip this morning.  That's pretty good for me.  It was mentally arduous for me to get those six days, too.  I give myself token reward stickers on my calendar when I accomplish a such a goal.  I also give myself a token reward sticker for going to get coffee only once in a day with no further visits there or to a restaurant.

What do I hope to accomplish with this token reward system I have in place?  Well, saving money primarily, but that's not all.  I don't want to be around unavailable women so much, either.   I've thought about that night at that club when I was eighteen, and I want to do better. I don't want to reside in some awful limbo state where I don't know what to do with myself in regard to this or that unavailable woman.  I told myself yesterday that I don't want to walk into such places where cute but unavailable waitresses and baristas work, and where cute twenty-something women hang out, until I've made some concrete, materially manifested decisions about how frequently I go to such places.  I would like to go to such places a LOT less than I normally do these days.  Not only to save money, but to see if I can no longer reside in that awful limbo place where I just don't know what to do with myself in the face of so many desirable yet unavailable young, attractive women.  

Habits such as patronizing favorite restaurants and coffee shops are hard to change, but I've had quite a bit of success already, which I track on my calendars with token rewards.  It probably won't mean anything to the cute yet unavailable waitresses and baristas if I patronize their places of employment a LOT less in the upcoming days, weeks, and months, but it will mean a hell of a lot to ME.  I will save money and I will have material manifestations of my commitment to myself in the form of more time spent on things such as reading, cleaning my apartment, practicing music, and drawing comics.

My last post talked about how I offered the same deal to that former cashier that I'd offered her last summer.  I said that she could date whomever the hell she wants, and that we could just be friends.  I said later on in that post that I might just have to piss up a rope on that offer, because that former cashier might not want to have anything to do with me.  Yeah, that may be, but maybe someone in my world read that post and decided to take me up on that offer.

A week ago, as I patronized a business I regularly patronize, a waitress/ barista type who works there 'fessed up to having a boyfriend.  I took it well, in my opinion, and just had to resign myself to scratching her off as a love interest.  I saw her again at her place of employment yesterday, and she seemed to want to talk to me.   Small talk, yeah, but still.  I thought about all of that today, and I wondered if she'd read my last blog post about that former cashier and the deal I offered.  I wondered if she wanted to see if I'd put my money where my mouth is.

Hell yeah, I'll accept the same deal from that waitress/ barista type that I offered that former cashier.  Hell yeah!  She's fucking gorgeous, too.  Sure, it'll probably be a really circumscribed deal of that nature in that I'll probably only be able to see her and talk to her at her place of employment, but at least what all was going on before between me and her is over and now her real situation is out in the open.  Hell yeah, I'll take that deal.

She's not the only one in my world I'll extend that offer to, either. Last summer I wrote a post about how this one girl at my job seemed to want to help that former cashier be the bane of my existence, still.  I offered this coworker that same deal I offered that former cashier.  The offer still stands for her, too.  SHE can date whomever the hell she wants, too, and we can just be friends as well.  I think that my coworker might be going back to school soon, but yeah, she can come into work and say hi every now and then. That'd be cool.

If that former cashier from that grocery store I still patronize wants to show up in my world any time soon, the deal I offered her last summer still stands. She can be an ongoing presence in my world, she can date whomever the hell she wants, except for me (for a while, anyway), and we can be friends.  We can be friends who see other people for dating and all that entails- I'm sure she'd win that contest- or we can be friends who don't see other people, but are not boyfriend and girlfriend, biblically speaking, because we would want to see if we actually like each other first.  Either one is fine with me. I'd prefer the latter scenario, but I'll accept the former scenario if that's what she wants.

I remember when I made this offer last summer, and how it seemed as if I might as well go piss up a rope as make that kind of offer to her.  That's the vibe I got from at least one person in my world, while others in my world seemed to really like the fact that I would make her such an offer. Maybe I should just piss up a rope this time as well.  Oh well, like I said, we can be friends in either scenario, because I always liked her enough to just want to get to know her better no matter what. 

Last month, while in San Marcos, I wanted to approach one of my San Marcos crushes for social reasons. She's a waitress (big surprise) and I'd patronized her place of employment only a few times since last summer. I didn't know her at all, to be honest, since I'd only had a few, brief verbal interactions with her in the course of ordering food at her restaurant.

So, why did I want to try to get with her in earnest, one might ask. Well, I went in there on a Monday night, went to the counter to order an entrée, and as I ordered my food from another young woman, my crush had a look on her face.  What was the look? She looked out straight ahead-not at me- and her expression seemed to say that she was thinking about something. I connected this somewhat pensive expression that also had a hint of curiosity in it to me.

That's it. Based on A MOMENTARY LOOK ON A VERY ATTRACTIVE WAITRESS' FACE WHILE I STOOD AT HER COUNTER AND LOOKED OVER AT HER, something stirred in me to try and go for it.  This little bit of life happened on a Monday night, and the following Wednesday night, while waiting for Songwriters Night to begin, saw me thinking HARD about going in there again and seeing if I could chat her up.  So, scenario after scenario rolled around in my head that featured successful attempts by me to chat her up and get something going with her 

So, thusly, I ran through some successful-attempts-at-chatting-her-up-tapes in my head, and then.....and then I realized, "I ALWAYS  come up with a reason such as that to make it all about this or that twenty-two year old hottie in my world, and it ALWAYS turns out to be a complete bullshit reason to make it all about someone like that. Always, always, always!"

That's absolutely true, too. This desperation-tinged tendency goes all the way back to the days of my youth. Such a tendency could scare the bejeezus out of the girl in question and as well as those around the both of us.  A facial expression, a look in her eyes, a minor flirtation, some little thing the girl or someone else said; I mean I would cling for dear life to such things as a sign of THE REAL DEAL going on between me and the girl.

I had several psychotic episodes that blossomed from such a seed I planted in my own brain.  These episodes involved a lot of ostracism from whatever group I found myself in, as I could run into some considerable defenses from the girl in question and those around us both. Heartbreaking shit. Absolutely devastating.

In a post from the spring of 2023 titled, "I'm going no contact with that band," I talk about how recovery from love addiction involves stepping back from such situations as the one I outlined in the above paragraphs and looking at the bigger picture. Stepping back, as opposed to trying to gain ground on someone such as that attractive young waitress in San Marcos by attempting to chat her up.  

In 2016, I first blogged about how I always used to think I needed a love interest in order to feel as if I played a part in the love, romance, and dating game. That was the step back I executed in 2016. Now, NINE YEARS later, I catch myself with my hand in the proverbial cookie jar and come up with HOW I actually go about SELECTING  these love interests.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS, some little thing or other that I blow way out of proportion and cling to for dear life like a chunk of driftwood in a storm-tossed ocean.

After songwriters night that Wednesday in San Marcos, I stopped by that restaurant where one of my San Marcos crushes works, or worked, and she wasn't there. I ordered some food and went back to my hotel. I felt good about changing the direction of my thinking earlier in the evening. I plan on taking some time off in San Marcos in the new year, but I can totally see myself just leaving that girl alone should I see her again.

During this past month or so, I’ve thought seriously about putting a stop to this blogging.  In my previous post, I alluded as to why I wanted to stop blogging. I talked about a guessed-at internet presence that I did not consent to.  I talked about how I guessed that someone copied blog entries from this site and pasted them on this other guessed-at site.  I said all of that because it seems as if a lot of people in my world actually read the entries, but I get very few hits on my web counter.   This “vibe” I get, whether based in reality or not, seemed to fade when I stopped blogging.

I started writing in a journal, again, about a month ago. A private, pen and paper journal. I started to feel much better doing that over these blog posts. That’s all I have to say. The only way I could see continuing to blog is if people in my world stopped reading the entries from this supposed other platform and instead read the entries on MY site, so I could see it on my web counter. I can test the waters for a few weeks longer to see if anything like that takes shape, but from where I sit now, it looks as if the long term solution to this dilemma involves writing in my private, pen and paper journal. I’ve blogged enough, I bet.
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