A Facebook friend, whom I've never met, is in the entertainment industry.  He is famous for being a Pabst Blue Ribbon guy with Champaign tastes in women.  I've heard him say on various entertainment programs that he doesn't "settle" for women who don't meet his high standards.  

As I've tried to improve my relationship with women over these past ten or fifteen years or so, I've come up with quite a different personal definition of what it means to "settle."  The first thing that one should realize about me, is that for the longest time, most of my adult life in fact, I would unconsciously select those women in my world who were the most attractive, and somehow make it about them.  Sometimes to a greater extent, nowadays to a much lesser extent, if at all, I'm happy to say.

To me, making it about the best looking women in my world, regardless of whether they are available or not, regardless of whether they are interested in me or not, regardless of whether they even like me as a person or not, amounts to "settling" in the most fundamental sense of the word.  That's because, if I were to just carry on making it about the best looking women in my world in substantive ways, that would mean I was not making any effort at all to change my overall relationship with women for the better.

I could think of several women I've been on dates with over these last ten or fifteen years that I would rather go out with again than go out on even one date with some of the best looking women in my world at this time.  These women I would prefer to go out with may not look as good as these best-looking-women-in-my-world-today, they may not be as young as these best-looking-women-in-my- world-today, but, for the most part, they were demonstrably nicer to me than all of these best-looking-women-in-my-world, who shall remain nameless.

I remember this male cook who worked at Rhythm House back in 1999.  There was this waitress who worked there whom this cook knew from a previous restaurant where they both worked.  The waitress was really pretty, and she seemed really cool, and was sought after by young men who worked at Rhythm House, whether as employees of the restaurant, or as music acts. 

Anyhoo, this male cook really didn't seem to have much of an interest in her, to the point where, when another male employee would sing her praises, he wouldn't say much of anything.  As far as I could tell, this male cook and this waitress got along well enough in their working relationship, he just didn't seem to be much of a fan of hers. 

It was only after she went to rehab that everyone found out the extent of her drug problem.  One of the big questions the male employees who liked her had about her was whether she was fully gay, bisexual, what's up with her.  She never dated anyone or had any dates with anyone that we all knew of.  So, the male cook just knew this about her, and stories began to surface about how she'd use and ripoff people for drug money.  She was more into drugs that dating and all of that.

My point is, I think it was okay for this male cook to be kind of cool towards her in their interactions and cool in reference to her when she wasn't around.  I've talked about how some of the most attractive women in my world have really come off to me as a major disappointment in various ways, and I think it's okay for me to be kind of cool towards these women in much the same way that James was cool to this waitress. 

In these past couple of weeks I wrote about a young woman who was very rude to me at a food service business I patronize.  She works there, and her manner towards me came out of the blue and caught me completely unawares.  I speculated that her move might have been a ploy to vie for crappy love interest status with me.

I've worked too hard on my relationship with women over these last ten, fifteen years or so to make it about someone like that again.  It'd be the equivalent of taking up cigarette smoking again.   It's been almost sixteen years since I managed to rid myself of a two pack a day habit.  Why would I want to start something like that up again?  It just wouldn't be the same if I started on that kind of thing again.

By hard work, I mean that I've made it a goal in my relationship with women to have a variety of dating experiences with a variety of women, for one thing.  I've gone out with women I wouldn't have given the time of day to in earlier times.  I did things like this to expand my frame of reference in regards to the types of women I've had some kinds of experiences with.  I would go out with women I didn't find very attractive just to know what it was like to be around someone who would show some kind of positive interest in me.  I found it easier to get dates with these women in the first place, which was always a real pain in the ass proposition with the asshole types.  I would not be so dismissive of these kinds of women in regards to their interest in me, so that I could usefully compare them to how the more asshole type women would typically behave towards me.  How would the asshole type women typically behave towards me?  Well, one way they might behave towards me might include being really rude to me one morning when I went into their place of employment.

Another thing I've worked hard on is my overall sobriety from drugs and alcohol.  The desire to improve my relationship with women inspired me to quit drugs and alcohol in the first place.  In committing to abstinence from drugs and alcohol, I've learned how to spend all of this time I have by myself in more constructive ways.  I've produced twelve eighty page comic books, four solo albums, and an album with my old band, as some examples of my increased productivity.  I don't want to give these kinds of  things up to fret over some jive-ride bullshit from some crapola love interest.

Another thing i've worked REALLY, REALLY hard on is learning how to smell a rat.  It helps to not idealize attractive women in general, even going so far as to pick them apart so that one doesn't fall into the trap of thinking that someone is "perfect," when it fact they might just be very attractive and unavailable in some way.  Another thing to do is keep a kind of ledger on them, so that when they do something along the lines of treating one in a very rude manner when one goes into their place of employment, that kind of thing can go into the minus column.  Another thing to do is not make too big a deal over the times they do seem to treat one better than one has come to expect from them.  A good idea would be to note, "whoop de do!" whenever they act just okay towards one.  

The very best advice I can give to develop the ability to smell a rat is to just let a supposed "opportunity" slip through one's fingers.  If one finds that they just seem to wind up taking chances on the same type of asshole women all the time, what does one have to lose?  From my personal experience, this is what it's like to see things on the "other side."  Long ago I found out that this is the only realistic way to "know" the types of women who have proven time and again to be elusive whenever I chased after them blindly.     

Sometimes the crapola tove interest will take something of an interest in me after attempts to drop their usual turd game on me come to naught. In my experience, the attempts to treat me in some kind of a shabby manner and maybe even try to make me over as some kind of bad guy so that they can and others can justify an out and out ostracism of me have often shown up in their agenda towards me before they show an "interest" in me.  Sometimes when this stuff doesn't work, they then show some kind of an "interest" in me that usually involves trying to get me to jump through some hoops, and 'snarl,' 'gnash,' 'grumble,' 'mumble'...that is all, and that's enough.  I want more than that kind of crap these days. 

In my last post I talked about a young woman at a business who seemed to fire a shot across my bow a couple of weeks ago.  By that, I mean that she got my attention by her distinctively rude manner towards me one morning.  In my last post I talked about how she seemed an especially poor choice for a love interest, even though she may have been vying for my attention in some weird way.

In my last post I talked about how I thought that maybe I have some internet presence that I'm not currently aware of, and how that would explain all of this strange attention from women I've received over these past four to six years.  I mean, it would explain it, but it might not necessarily be true.

If it's true though, that this young woman has seen something on the internet about me, and is maybe even part of some kind of anti-Rich community that conspires to bring me down, I don't necessarily need to single her out for anything shitty from my end.  She's just a cog in the machine, as it were.

I've been in this kind of position before in my life, I believe.  I've dealt with this kind of ostracism in the days before the internet, but this brings it to a whole new level, if true.  What can I say?  Christ on the cross.  "Forgive them father, for they know not what they do."  Yep, works for me.

In 1986 I fixated on "Donna" and freaked a bunch of friends and acquaintances out.  I had a psychotic episode at Suckmeat Muldoon's party where I got the impression most of the guests knew what was going on with me and didn't like what I was trying to do.

In 1987 the fallout from that episode- I guess I'm being vague, but I have a point in being vague- the fallout from that psychotic episode led to further ostracism at my UT- Austin art school.  Nowadays I have the impression that someone from that clique of friends and acquaintances in 1986 was shooting their mouth off at the school in, perhaps, more than just a verbal way.

In 1989 the fallout from THAT episode, namely, the ostracism and shabby treatment I experienced at the art school, led to a psychotic episode at Dickbag McNuttsack's wedding during the Summer.  Oh, before that, there was the experience with Myrna at G/M Steakhouse in the Winter of 1989.  

The ostracism continued at SVA and helped lead me to another psychotic episode in the late Fall of 1990.  In the Spring of 1991, word seemed to leak out about what had been going on in Austin the previous years.

When I got back from grad school in 1991, I faced a social world in Austin where Jim had been shooting his mouth off about my past the whole time i was gone.  I had a grand mal psychotic episode in the Summer of 1992 that led to my hospitalization, treatment, and diagnosis of schizophrenia.

In 1996, about a year and a half after my stabilization on medications, I experienced another attempt from a group of people to ostracize me yet again.  That time I had more on the ball, and men who were acquainted with me back then always seem to be really happy to see me even to this day.

In 1999 I had another incident occur connected to my job at Rhythm House.   I did not handle that one so well, and I had to live down further attempts to ostracize me up until about, well, it's hard to say if that one is over yet.

Nowadays, we've got the biggest blabbermouth of all to contend with; the internet.  Lord only knows if there is something going on between myself and people in my world due to that, and I don't just mean what ever I write on this blog.

The vibe I got from all of those experiences was that my crimes were not all that bad, but rather the people doing all the ostracizing got off on the power they had over me.  In recent posts, I talked about someone who might still have issues from my past.  I don't mean to dismiss or minimize what ever it is they went through, but it seems like there might be more constructive ways of dealing with me, dealing with their pain, etc., than to try to coerce some kind of virtuous action out of me through the means they may have tried to coerce said virtuous actions.  Mainly, trying to set me up and trying to disseminate one side of a story so that I will have this stuff coming from all sides.

What if I don't feel like being coerced?  What if I just let this stuff go on, and on, and on, and on?  What if I'm not too concerned about coming across a some kind of a great guy about all of this shit? I check my mailboxes every day for anything from a party who might enlighten me as to what the hell might be going on.  Just because I haven't heard from anyone doesn't mean there isn't anything going on.

Last week I thought, "Let's try all of this again without a love interest, and see how that goes."  In last week's posts I talked about a young woman at a business whom I believed to have started in on me a couple of Fridays ago.  She seems like an especially piss-poor choice for a love interest.  In these situations, I was just never their guy, even in the days when we didn't have, like, thirty years difference in our ages.  So, don't go out of my way to be some great guy about all of this, and ditch that crappy love interest.  If I go somewhere and a black guy calls me "the man with the plan," I'll eat my hat.

Last week's posts frequently referred to the Unavailable Woman Deal that I feel I unwittingly signed on for with a young, attractive woman in a food service business that I frequented.  Briefly, the deal was this: I tried to bend over backwards to accommodate her and her spirit in my being in order to come up with a resolution that benefited us both as well as those around us, and in exchange for my efforts, she got to do whatever the hell she wanted.  

I decided to opt out of this deal.  But, let me make one thing perfectly clear: she can still do whatever the hell she wants.  She can associate with whomever she pleases, go anywhere she pleases, and do anything she pleases.  I merely opted out of my end of the deal.  In relation to me, she may as well reside on the other side of the Moon from me.  I don't patronize her place of employment anymore, and I don't plan to patronize her place of employment in the foreseeable future.  Call my change in my end of the deal the closest I will get to doing whatever the hell I want in these kinds of situations.

I've got bigger fish to fry.  In last week's posts I wrote about someone from my past who may still have issues with me.  I think I can say that I no longer try to hide behind the belief that my emotional pain over what happened so many years ago counts more than hers.  That's pretty new.  I'm ready to do whatever I believe it could take to at least let her know through a third party or directly to her that I will talk about any of that stuff that went on on my end of it.  If she does not wish to disclose much of anything on her end, I could live with that.  

For the past year or so I had hopes that the whole ordeal I went  through with the Invisible Woman would put an end to my conflict with this person from my past.  People who need bringing up to speed should look at my last blog post.  Anyway, from the events of the past week, and the math I've been doing about stuff that goes back to the early part of this decade and before, I'm pretty sure all of my blog posts on the Invisible Woman from 2017 and beyond have fallen on deaf ears, and that hostilities have resumed.

I guess I will have to confront the aggrieved parties as I suggested in my previous post.  I've checked the mailbox associated with this account many times, and so far no one has reached out  to me.  I said that I hope to see the woman's ex-husband at a gathering later this year, and I guess that's my best chance to start settling up with these people.  I could see the woman somewhere, or the ex-husband for that matter, sometime before this annual gathering, so I guess I could have a chance before then.

In my last post I brought up the point that I didn't think any revenge this woman wanted exacted on me would bring her the end of her pain or the satisfaction that justice was done, but I could be wrong.  I went out on a few dates in 2014 with someone I knew in high school.  She related how she had been in a marriage with an abusive man, and how she'd arranged for him to get his ass kicked at their house as her way of saying adios to him and their bad marriage.  She seemed to have no remorse about her decision, and she seemed to derive a great deal of satisfaction from what she did.

Maybe I am that kind of a piece of shit.  Maybe these people would derive a great deal of satisfaction from bringing about my defeat or downfall after all.  Maybe I'll be too much of a coward to approach this ex-husband if I see him at this gathering.  Maybe my mental illness makes me less of a man in that way, and that makes it okay for them to set up situations where I am vulnerable to an attack of some kind.

In the meantime, here's some things I will try to do or not do, depending.  I will not write on this blog all of my thought process during the time of the incident and/or incidents that seem to concern this woman and these people so much.  I will try to save all of that for the face-to-face discussion that I maybe am too much of a cowardly, subhuman, mentally ill piece of trash to even try to bring about.  I want to have some incentive for this person or these people to want to talk to me in person.  If I reveal too much information in this blog, they can just process and interpret that information any way they want, as they may have done with all my conciliatory posts  before, and go on and resume their stupid games and bullshit.

I will also attempt to continue avoiding my patronage of the food service business that I went to where that young woman was so rude to me last Friday.  Normally I would go to places such as this to sniff the air after I write on this blog to see if I can pick up on anything.  The problem with doing that nowadays at this particular food service business is that the employee who was so rude to me might have the impression that I want our old deal back.  Namely, the deal where I try to bend over backwards to accommodate her because I kind of like her, and in exchange for my efforts, she gets to do what ever she wants.  Last Friday, the fact that I walked through the door of this food service business while she worked her shift seemed to give her the impression that she was entitled to treat me in as rude a manner as she desired.

Earlier in this post I said that maybe I'm such a piece of shit that this aggrieved woman and her allies may truly derive lasting satisfaction from attacking me and bringing about my downfall.  The only experiences I have regarding myself tell me otherwise.  People from past incidents really seemed to not have their sense of superiority and triumph over me withstand the test of time.  But, maybe just this one time in my life back in the eighties and nineties, I really was the bad guy to this one person to such an irredeemable extent, that she truly would derive a great deal of inner peace, contentment, and satisfaction from bringing about my downfall.  

My last post brought up the idea that I'm still in conflict with someone from a long time ago.  The long time ago was the late 1980's to the mid- 1990's.  Back when my mental illness went untreated, I would have run-ins with women on a pretty regular basis.  There seems to be someone from that era who still has issues with me.  This person seems to want to persist in this conflict for the purposes of revenge, justice, righteous karma, take your pick.

In my last post I compared this person to a Japanese soldier in the jungles of the Philippines who did not realize that World War II was over, and that surrender would not result in their execution by the now-defunct Empire of Japan.  There's a key difference between this woman and those lone Japanese soldiers, though.  She seems to have the ability to enlist allies to her cause from time to time.

To my way of seeing things, it's these people who really need to be taken out and flogged.  It's bad enough that this woman feels that I deliberately inflicted pain on her that still haunts her somehow.  But the thought that these people, who seem to include her ex-husband, his daughter, the former female director of a local art space, a former female employee of a food service business that I until very recently used to patronize, a current female employee of the same business, a very old man who should know better, and quite possibly, the real deal celebrity that I call the Invisible Woman, and possibly many other witnesses and bystanders and "well-wishers," if that is a proper term for these people, all these people seem feel inspired to act on her behalf to inflict bodily harm upon me, as well as emotional harm upon me, all for an effort that they all seem to believe will somehow magically take this woman's pain away with my downfall.

I mean, this woman better attribute a great deal of emotional pain to my actions or gestures towards her, if she and all of these others are really willing to go to all of this trouble to, repeatedly, over the years, attempt to do these vicious takedowns of me.  The thought that maybe she just wants to strike a blow on behalf of women everywhere, and is able enlist these allies to just that kind of a cause, well, I'm assuming that she's gone through a greater ordeal of personal pain than that implies, and I'll proceed from there.

Yeah, these people who've tried to "help" her over the years really suck.  If my going down somehow would help her, hell, I might be willing to do that on my own somehow.  But, has any of these people thought to maybe reach out to me and talk to me?  Has anyone maybe thought that might be a more grownup solution to a grown up problem?  Well, no one has done that, and I guess it's up to me to initiate this process.  I will see her ex-husband at a gathering later this year, probably.  That would be a good time for him and others to talk to me.  But, there's a contact page on this website if anyone wants to start this process sooner than that.

I mean, I'm sorry.  I never intended to hurt this woman, never.  But, know this people, I"m the first person to my knowledge, to try and start a meaningful dialogue over incidents that occurred decades ago. Give me some fucking credit for that.  And if her ex-husband doesn't want to act until this gathering later this year, okay.  But if I get the sense that people just want me to kiss their ass and have me tell them how great they are, then I will pick up on that and not really have much inclination to move forward.  If this woman just wants to feud and put hell hounds on my trail until I go down somehow, then I'll know her hate has fully replaced her pain, and I will take the necessary precautions to take care of myself.   

Asshole or assholes, depending on whom exactly I'm addressing.   Have you thought about a Russian or other Eastern European type?  That'd be different.  I've never had to fuck with any Russian or Eastern European women.  Well, one of my most painful losing memories concerned someone from that background, but that's ancient history.  But, then again, ancient history might be a subject of great interest to you, depending on whom exactly I'm dealing with.  Okay, Russians. Try a Russian next time.  I mean someone who maybe got a green card when they agreed to marry an American guy and move over here.  But then, once the card was in their hand, they decided to run, run, run, like the wind.  You know, that classic story.  Not just someone who's ancestors immigrated from Russia or anything like that.  That's just another White woman to me.  Feh!

Maybe it would help, asshole, to see yourself in a whole new light.  Maybe it would help you to see yourself as like those Japanese soldiers who hid out in the jungles of the Philippines for, like, thirty-plus years after the end of World War II.  Because that's kind of how I see you, asshole.  The war was over a long time ago for me, but you just seem to want to keep on fighting.  How glamorous!






  

Whomever's throwing up these asshole women to mix it up with me might not want to go with the White women anymore.  The problem the White women seem to have, well, one glaring problem they have anyway, is that, sure, they can dish it out alright, but they can't seem to take it.  "'Whah, whah, whah!'  Miss Grumpy, he knows how to fight back!  'Whah, whah, whah!'  I don't want to play anymore!  I want my mommy!  'Whah, whah, whah!'"

Like I said.  Whomever's throwing up dese bums might want to book a Latina for their next jive-ass gig.  All Asian women ever do is roll their eyes when I look at them, and Black women, for the most part, seem to have better things to do than fuck with the likes of me.  So I recommend this person throw me a Latina.  They got some fucking game, those Latinas.

Now, the problem this person or persons is going to have with throwing up a Latina at me, is that Latinas are like my own personal briar patch.  You know, Brere Rabbit finally gets nabbed by Brere Fox?  Brere Rabbit pleads with Brere Fox, "Oh Brere Fox.  You can boil me in a pot an eat me!  You can skin and tan my hide!  But, please, Brere Fox, I plead with you!  Whatever you do, pleeease don't throw me in the Briar Patch!"  And we know the rest,  Yes, douchbag, I was born and raised in the fucking briar patch.  Now go fuck yourself. 

This lyric is one of my favorites from the song, "Picture On My Wall," off of my album, Self Portrait of Me.  Now, before I turn everyone on to this lyric, let me explain the title of the album, Self Portrait of Me.   It's a redundancy, because a self-portrait is, by definition, a portrait of the artist rendering it.  Thus, the redundancy, Self Portrait of Me, is a kind of joke.  Now, onto the lyric from that great Richy Vegas composition, 'Picture on My Wall:" "Cindy did some runway/ and she had an attitude/ she used to serve me coffee/ and to me she was quite rude/ I'd had enough of her/ and with her I didn't start/ she had a thousand dollar body/ wrapped around a ten cent heart."  

Now the chorus, or refrain, if one prefers, refers to the calendars I habitually buy that feature female models in bathing suits, lingerie, or some such items of clothing that only serve to somehow enhance their comely physical charms.  The refrain, which follows the verse above, goes like this, "Oh your stand-ins in my world/ don't serve you well at all/ and I bet I'm better off/ when you're a picture on my wall."

Now, one might say, "Richy Vegas, that song speaks to me.  It seems to cut to an essential truth in life.  Namely, that models are basically a bunch of assholes, when one comes right down to it.  Where, oh where, Richy Vegas, may I listen to this song?"  Well, funny you should mention that, because one may listen  to this and other songs on my bandcamp.com page.  One may access my bandcamp.com page from this very website.  Just click on the heading "music" right under the picture of "Monica" on this very page.  Go on, big boy, just move your eyes up a few inches from these words and click on the music link.  Once there, one will find the album cover art for that great Richy Vegas album, Self Portrait of Me, as well as a link that reads "Buy it here on band camp."  See, on bandcamp.com, one may typically listen to a complete album up to THREE whole times before they decide that they want to PURCHASE it on bandcamp.com.  Can you dig it?