I think I may have gotten some positive feedback from my post about "Chelsea."  I'm saying this with a guess that my posts might show up on Reddit.  Last month a woman told me that she heard I was big on Reddit.  Okay, that's the basis of my guess.  So, if I am big on Reddit, and people, especially women, reacted positively to something I posted about my deal with Chelsea, what then, did they respond so positively to in that post?

I talked a lot about letting stuff go in my time with her.  Yeah, that's how I roll with attractive women these days.  I might approach such women, but if they don't vibe receptive to my overtures, I often let it go to the point where I just don't approach them again for social reasons at all.  I'll still like them, and I sure do wish a lot of the women I approach for social reasons were more receptive, but I can let all of that go on a dime.

Despite how she treated me over the years, I didn't have too much bad to say about Chelsea.  Maybe women who saw that post on Chelsea responded positively to that aspect of the post.  I mean, I've decided to try and refrain from portraying problematic women I've known over the years as total villains, because they had their point of view, and they are all probably something quite different than a total villain to a lot of people in their lives.  Also, every woman I've ever labeled as "problematic" was someone I initially had a very positive attraction to, and I think it would say a lot more about me than it would about all of them if I inevitably portrayed them all as total villains worthy only of the most vituperative invective solely based on how things shook out.

I think another aspect of why some women in my world may have responded positively to my post about Chelsea has to do with the sex part.  Yeah, it wasn't some wild time and all of that, but I did have sex with someone I had liked for some time.  Women may have responded positively to the way I just let stuff go over the years with Chelsea, and how the hands off approach to her shook out with the sex part.  I remembered soon after that sexual encounter with Chelsea how it had taken me years of doing things that way with women to finally pay off with that sex time with her.

And that's STILL how I want to relate to women I desire.  It'd be nice if that hands off approach paid off more than it has, but yeah, I like women I desire more over all than I have in years past, and that should count for something, I think.  Women in general seem keen on rewarding a man with positive feedback in order to encourage behaviors and attitudes they want the man to continue to engage in with how he relates to women, so there's that, too.

I have another gig at the Carousel Lounge!  The one I played on May 7th went well.  My performance was uneven in places, but people showed up.  I had eleven people show up, which is good for four in the afternoon on a Thursday.  I knocked myself out to get this poster done early Friday morning.  If I knock myself out in my practices for this gig even half as much as I knocked myself out on this poster, I should do fine.  Even if I do wind up playing to the bartender and no one else, I'll be okay with that.  My whole venture into music and songwriting came about as a result of my extensive, dedicated commitment to quitting smoking in 2002.  I took the money I saved from not buying two packs of cigarettes a day and bought guitar lessons with that money.  So, yeah, just playing a show for the bartender would do me just fine.  She's nice.  I probably wouldn't book another show at the Carousel if I had a bad turnout for this gig-at least not anytime soon-but all in all, it's all good.

"Chelsea" was someone I met in 2003.  She was eighteen years younger than me.  She laughed a lot at me when we hung out with mutual friends on the first night we met.  She had an off and on boyfriend she really liked but she felt insecure about.  She would hang out with me with the understanding that we were just friends.  She was really attractive and I liked her.  This couple that worked where she worked advised me to go light on her and not come on like I was trying to have sex with her.

I lost touch with Chelsea by 2005.  She stopped calling and I just let her go.  Then one night in October of 2007 she called me out of the blue.  It was around eleven o'clock at night. She wanted me to pick her up from her apartment, where she lived with her dad.  I picked her up, brought her over to my house, and we had sex.  The sex wasn't really anything special.  She wouldn't let me kiss her, for example, and it was all pretty anticlimactic.  I took her home at around four in the morning.  She blocked my number from her phone when I tried to call her, so I just let it go.

I put in a friend request for her on Facebook in 2011.  By then I'd committed to abstinence from drugs and alcohol.  We reconnected, sort of.  She pretty much friend-zoned me for the next year and a half or so.  I decided to let go of her again after I called her in September of 2012.  When I called she was like, "Oh high."  She didn't seem enthused to hear from me at all, so I did some math on her.  I remembered her telling me she wanted to be represented in one of my paintings as one of the snake women that comes out of my-mother-as-Medusa's head.  I decided then and there that I no longer had any interest in dating her.

In the years that followed,  I figured she had sex with me that night in the first place to get back at an errant boyfriend.  I thought about that today. If I encountered any very desirable woman in my world who wanted to use me in that manner, I would seriously consider following my buddha and at least seriously consider letting such an "opportunity" slip through my fingers,  ESPECIALLY if it were someone I really liked a LOT.  I'm not prepared to say that I anticipate having such an "opportunity" with anyone in my world these days.  My over all relative lack of experience with women and sex might just mean I'm wildly off-base in whatever guesses I make about this or that woman in my world I like a LOT.

Am I big on Reddit?  A woman said she heard I was big on Reddit when I talked to her a couple of weeks ago.  I didn't press her for details.  I said something like, "Reddit? No, on Instagram, maybe."  But, yeah, am I big on Reddit?  Is that the online presence that I did not consent to and whose existence I've speculated on since November of 2018?  Anyone? Hello?  I did a couple of searches based on my name and my pseudonym and came up empty.  Am I on some Sub-Reddit such a r/sexualpredators or something like that?  Whatever it is, it wasn't a good presence for the longest time.  If I have a presence on Reddit at all, that is.

Oh yes, my gig this coming Thursday.

 I’ve talked a lot about crash and burn episodes involving mostly unavailable women that occurred in mostly my twenties. A principal element of dysfunction that I brought to those episodes was the high expectations that I had for these individual women. When I compare my experiences with individual, mostly unavailable women back then with my experiences with individual, mostly unavailable women these days, the sky high expectations are simply not there these days.

It’s not as if I one day simply decided to just be a good guy about my expectations for women and lived happily thereafter. I credit my improvement to following my buddha. The “what if I turned my back on love” path that I’ve embraced these past fourteen years allows me to more readily let go of my expectations for attractive women who seem to take something of an interest in me these days.

It is as if a fork opens upon the road I’m on and a rightward option appears before me that involves letting supposed opportunities slip through my fingers if I take that rightward path. It is in the taking of this path that I often question the actual level of interest these individual women have in me and I invariably seem to find my expectations diminishing. Maybe one day I’ll take this buddha path too far and let an actual, genuine opportunity with an actual, genuine very attractive woman actually, genuinely slip through my fingers. It hasn’t happened yet, to the best of my knowledge, but I suppose it could.

Ideally, I'd like to go to the coffee shop only once in a while so that the trip becomes a special occasion.  Here's my gig flyer again.

I've just completed a comic book that chronicled how I experienced a hallucination about Anna.  "Anna" was a classmate I fixated on during the spring semester of 1986.  I experienced a hallucination about her in 1995.  The hallucination had me thwarting a serial killer who was stalking her.  In the hallucination I recruited the cool punks and Matt to help me save her.  I had a LOT of hallucinations of that nature during the early months of 1995.

From 2019 to 2025 I mixed it up with that former cashier from that grocery store.  I used every trick in the book to come to terms with my fixation on her.  She finally set me free in September or October of 2025 by letting me know that, yes. she really was not available, and that, finally, she just wanted to let bygones be bygones and allow me to walk away from that whole bad deal.  

If I could choose only one of those two experiences, I'd choose the experience I had concerning that former cashier over my heroic "recovered memories" of 1992 and 1995.  The recovered memories were just me being ill, while I actually had to employ brain power and make concrete decisions about that former cashier.  The way I let go of that former cashier, and how I prevailed in getting my wish to just let her go, healed a lot of wounds from my very painful twenties.

MInd you, if I actually did save Anna and all of those others, that would definitely be something.  But I'm talking about the WAY I experienced those heroic deeds versus the way I experienced dealing with that former cashier.  The experience regarding Anna and all of those others was more of an experience of my own mind, while the years I spent dealing with that situation with that former cashier was very much of this world.  

I've got a gig at the Carousel Lounge on Thursday, May 7th, from 4 to 5 p.m.  Here's some cover art for issue number 5 of "Richy Vegas Psychoverse."

Here"s a flyer for my gig in May.

My effort to refrain from patronizing that one coffee shop and that one diner goes along nicely, thank you.  What do I hope to accomplish with this effort?  Will I score points with those waitresses and baristas at those places?  Is that the reason to put so much effort into demonstrably proving that I am NOT relating to these women in such an obsessive manner as I might?  The simple answer to that central question, will I score points with these women, that simple answer is no, that is not  the reason to put forth this supreme effort.

It would be NICE to score points in such a manner with these waitresses and baristas (boy, would it ever), but that's not it.  The reason to put forth this supreme effort to refrain from patronizing these two businesses is the change it will make inside of ME.  Here's an analogy.  While looking up articles online on the phenomenon of people who stalk celebrities, I saw a picture of a very handsome young man holding a hand painted sign in an urban setting proclaiming his love for Taylor Swift.  I assume he stood outside of her residence in New York City exercising his free speech rights to peacefully proclaim his love for Taylor Swift in a public space.  

Now, if that young man decided one day to hang it up and just go home and never again stand outside of Taylor Swift's residence proclaiming his undying love for her, I don't think it would score points with Taylor Swift to such an extent that she would then pursue HIM romantically.  However, such a move by this young man to end his vigil outside of her residence might just spark a series of changes within him that might lead him to engage with desirable women and the world in general in a much more constructive and beneficial way.  In my case, I hope, I hope, I hope, that in my analogous situation I can learn to engage with women and the world in general in more constructive ways than in seeking out "opportunities" to hang around ostensibly unavailable women.