So yeah, it's not as if this young woman actually has to go out with my friend to some of the places we both hang at.  She could just mention to this friend that she likes me and wants to hang out with me.  I, on the other hand, don't want to reach out to her through him, because that would put him in a bad position.  He would then have to take an issue to her from me that has nothing to do with her job.  Her reaching out to me through my friend: That's fine.  Me reaching to her through him: Not a good idea, in my opinion.

I figure that this young woman got pretty much what she wanted out of me these last seven to nine months.  She got free attention in the form of these posts, plus whatever attention I would pay to her in the real world.  If she had her way, this sort of thing could have gone on forever, I figure.  I'm prepared to write about her some more, but her time will pass, eventually, when she gets more out of my system, and that day will come.  It always does.

The importance of conducting myself in an exemplary manner until that day comes; I can't emphasize the importance of that enough.  The things I see that I have the opportunity to get better and better at each time have to do with treating this kind of person well, to the best of my ability, while at the same time not allowing this person to treat me shabbily, if I can help it.  All the while making intelligent decisions about the whole deal.  I still find myself somewhat vulnerable to these kinds of games that lead to so much trouble in my younger days.  This particular game with this particular person persists after, like, seven to nine months, by my accounting.  That's still pretty vulnerable.

I've said many times that I've quit smoking, drinking, drugs, and pursuing unavailable women.  That last one represents a really tough one, because that project evolves and grows, and now represents the most challenging thing of those four things to abstain from.  I've talked often about a certain young woman in my world, and I count her on my radar since, at least, the beginning of June of last year.  I truly do not think I've pursued her romantically in any way, but all of this writing about her, plus whatever has gone on in the real world, amounts to one hell of a cat and mouse game, I reckon.

The fact that this cat and mouse game endures to this day, with no real resolution to the conflict, indicates to me that this young woman is not available, I'm pretty sure.  I hope that my latest move, to not patronize her business when I think she might work there, plus suggest that she hang out with my friend out on the town where I might run into her, amounts to myself drawing a line in the sand.  That kind of setting boundaries can really help me in letting go of such a person.  I remember putting a Facebook friend request in for a young woman a couple of years ago, and the fact that she did not accept it made all of her subsequent flirtations with me whenever I'd see her meaningless.  I hope, I hope, I hope this works.  Like I said, I think God's giving me plenty of chances to get these Unavailable Women Deals right, and I see this as an opportunity to let this person go.

 I've talked about a certain person on this blog for quite some time now.  I've been thinking about what rights this person has in regards to how I relate to them versus what privileges I will grant this person in relation to me.  This person has a RIGHT to not feel harassed, intimidated, attacked, or otherwise subjected to any form of abuse in any online platform or anywhere in the real world.  That constitutes rights this person has, among others I can't think of right now.   Whether I approach this person or not for social reasons or even favor them with attention in any form, online or in the real world, falls more in the realm of privileges, to my way of seeing things.

Privileges, in regards to our deal at this time, include whether or not I patronize this business at a time when I figure she might work there.  For the time being, I've decided to not do that anymore.  That would fall in line with whether I try to talk to this person or interact with them in any way, and I don't want to do that either.  I've never really talked to this person.  Oh, and no, I'm not asking this person out in front of God and everyone at their place of employment, and maybe not anywhere else, should I run into them elsewhere.  Whether I go out with this person after all depends on them and what they want to do about it.  I really can't see going on any more than a date or two with this person under the current  set of circumstances.

If all this sounds like a bunch of silly-ass demands from a middle-aged-going-on-elderly, overweight, mentally ill man trying to read  the Riot Act to a very viable, datable, maybe-not-even-single, young woman who has a wealth of options available to her at virtually any time for that sort of thing, well, I refer the reader who has gotten this far to just look at the headline of this post.  I know.  I know.  I know.  But, I think this represents a better approach than trying to "forgive" (see previous posts about forgiveness);  I think this approach is better than essentially rewarding this person for "going there" with me the way she did these past few weeks.

I explained my plight in regards to women at this business last night to a guy I know who now works there.  I talked about how I would write these posts and wonder if ANYONE in my world- the world I live in day to day- if anyone in my world, which includes employees at this business, actually reads them like I maybe think they do.

Maybe I'll see this person I'm talking about out on the town with my friend sometime.   He's about my age, but he looks better than me, and he doesn't seem to be the type women like her want to take for the kind of ride they all seem so keen on taking me on.  So yeah, maybe he'd be a better date for this girl than I would.  He's really nice, and she never went there with him, and probably never would.

I wanted to sit on these thoughts for a bit before airing them, but the way I do things tends to involve just getting stuff out there regardless.  In the eighties I had several situations that went sideways that all have some things in common.  One of the elements of these disastrous outcomes I've talked about involved how I'd try to forgive young women for meanness towards me.  I now conclude that I would forgive these women with the hope that I would receive material things in return.  Things such as love, sex, companionship, acceptance by these women and those around us- quite a lot actually.

What motivated some of these women to have anything to do with me in the first place?  What put them on the scene that precipitated things going sideways?  I think a common motivation for a lot of these women stemmed from a desire for love and acceptance.  I think some of them, such as Katy, wanted me to like them in spite of how they treated me.  I think Wanda, whom I talk about often in these posts, wanted acceptance from my group of friends.  I think, especially in the case of Wanda, but Katy as well, they really didn't think things through before going out with me.

Katy told me she loved me and generally had me wrapped around her little finger on our first date on New Year's Eve, 1984/85.  She  got me to confess my virgin status as we made out at a party in a theater downtown.  She told me she loved me, and that she had broken up with her boyfriend.  So I thought if I played my cards right, I could have sex with her.  She told me the real deal with her boyfriend a couple of weeks later, and that was that.  Katy obviously felt bad for her actions.  So much so that she agreed to go out with me one night the following Summer.  I was all hot to get laid once and for all, and things went bad in my truck that night.  I had to apologize to Katy a couple of days later.

Wanda, in September of 1986, laughed in my face at a party where I had a psychotic episode. At that party, I'd hoped to connect with a girl named "Donna" that I had fixated on all Summer.  My friends seemed to universally consider me an object of scorn and ridicule for my obsessive fixation on Donna, whom I'd only met once, briefly, and who had a boyfriend.  At that party, which was large, it seemed as if everyone knew about my fixation on Donna and considered me an object of scorn and ridicule.  That freaked me out.  When Wanda came up and laughed in my face, that constituted only one of several gestures of contempt towards me that friends and people I didn't know showed me.

The following weekend I ran into Donna at another party.  At the party where I had the breakdown, she scowled at me as I walked by, and she left soon after.   The following weekend, I walked up and introduced myself to Donna and talked to her in a nice manner.  That seemed to change a lot of people's minds about me, and a few months later it looked as if Wanda had taken an interest in me.

In the Spring Semester of 1987, I discovered that I had Wanda in a math class.  She demonstratively expressed a desire to study with me at the end of the first class.  Again, I thought that all I had to do was play my cards right and I could successfully date Wanda.  We went out on several dates where me made out pretty seriously at her apartment door, but she would never let me close the deal.

A hostess at the restaurant where Wanda waited tables threw a party at an apartment.  Wanda met me there, and one of the first things I remember involved Wanda introducing me to some guy.  The way the guy shook hands with me has stuck with me to this day.  He had kind of a wide eyed look on his face when we stood face to face, and his grip was soft and gentle.  Another thing I remember first thing at that party involved recognizing a couple of Vernon Hoe's friends.  I'd played touch football with Vernon and these two brothers soon after that traumatic party of the previous September.  I think I played with them on the Sunday after that party where I'd made things right with Donna.  Anyway, these two brothers lived next door to the hostess at the restaurant where Wanda worked.

Decades later, I concluded that the hostess had introduced one of the brothers, who had a disfigured face from an accident, to Wanda sometime before I'd arrived.  I also concluded, decades later, that Wanda and the hostess competed for the affections of the guy Wanda had made a point of introducing me to, and that the hostess wanted to show disrespect towards Wanda by introducing her to the "ugly" guy.  In essence, this handsome waiter (manager?) from the restaurant was Wanda's "real" boyfriend, and I was just a beard, I guess.  Some more weeks went by where I could not close the deal with Wanda, and then, one night in her car, as we made out pretty heavily, I made a crude sexual proposition to Wanda.

I've only recently concluded that Wanda desired acceptance from my group of friends, and that motivated her to put up this front where she pretty much pretended to be my girlfriend.  Maybe she thought that I could step in and really date her if things didn't work out with this other guy, and that she could string me along until then.  Like I said, I don't think she thought things through very well.

Like I said in my last post, God seems to want me to have plenty of chances to get these kinds of deals right.  I just came out and said some things that might or might not have relevance to my life and the life of some of those around me in these days.  I don't know.  I guess if I perceived that a particular party seems to have some interest in me, the real motivation behind this interest might involve some of the things I've talked about in the above stories.  If that were the case, I would tell this person that she need not worry about being accepted by those around her, or by me, to the point where both her own best interests and mine might become compromised.  I've been in plenty of situations where those around me perceived me as the bad guy, and I've found that letting go of the notion that some kind of deal has to go through in order for things to work out proved the best frame of mind to have.

I've talked often about dilemmas I've faced with women in my past.  I told Vernon Hoe that these similar looking deals I find myself in with often really attractive young women compel me to look at the whole of them in this way: That God is giving me plenty of chances to get it right.   And so it goes.  One more time.  That's not to say I'm going to find anything I'm looking for anytime soon.  Maybe I will, maybe I won't.  God just wants me to get this one kind of deal right.  Over and over and over again.

I've been thinking a lot about how necessary this is right now...think Gospel music when one reads the words to this song I wrote.


Tastes Like a Penny

Verse: C, Am, G, F 
Chorus: C, F, G, C
Bridge: G, D, Em, G


Bv Bv


Verse:
        C
Oh troubled times are here now
                     Am
yes they’re knockin’ on our door
                G
and the answers to the questions
                                      F
just leave us wanting more.

Chorus:
              C
Now he may not be the son of God
             F
but on this we can agree
            G
Richy Vegas has a butthole
          C
that tastes like a penny.

Verse:
Pay no mind who’s in the White House
now don’t care who is the Pope
The heads of church, the heads of state
can all piss up a rope.

Chorus:
There’s just one thing to remember
to bark up a righteous tree
Richy Vegas has a butthole
that tastes like a penny.

Bridge:
G
lick his ass
G
lick his ass
          D
what have you got to lose?
Em
lick his ass
Em
lick his ass
          G
oh it just might cure your blues.

Chorus: 
                   C
If you’re a beggar or a banker
              F
oh he’s just like you and me
            G
Richy Vegas has a butthole
         C
that tastes like a penny.


Verse:
Oh he may be the son of God
or just a messenger
no matter what you’ll long to taste
to taste his brown pucker.

Chorus:
Oh toungein’ his brown pucker
is what will set you free
Richy Vegas has a butthole
that tastes like a penny.

Verse:
Now don’t you give no backtalk
now don’t you give no sass
Richy Vegas says we’re put here
on this Earth to lick his ass.

Chorus:
Oh his asshole tastes the same
as ev-er-y-bo-dy’s
Richy Vegas has a butthole
that tastes like a penny.

Bridge:
A penny
A penny
just like a newborn babe
a penny
a penny
just think of honest Abe.


Chorus:
Now in this world of trouble 
just one thing can set you free
Richy Vegas has a butthole 
that tastes like a penny.

Verse:
Oh as you travel on this road
of woe and stress and strife
Richy Vegas ain’t no man
who wants to fuck your wife.

Chorus:
your whole family can just line up
Mom and Dad and cousins three
Richy Vegas has a butthole 
that tastes like a penny.

Outro:
 C
A penny, a penny
    F
it tastes like a penny
             G
Richy Vegas has a butthole
         C       (high….)
that tastes like a penny.

Richy Vegas

12/31/2019

I posted some harsh words late last night in regards to someone I called Janine about a time several years ago.  Well, I said in previous posts that I did not want to do any pseudo-forgiveness gestures to any one my world right now, or implied that anyway, and so that post might serve as an example of how refraining from super-niceness gestures towards women whom I feel animosity for and yet desire for at the same time might manifest itself.  

I've also talked about how the Legend of Richy Vegas preoccupied me this past couple of months, and how I would ruminate on the prospect of whether or not things that only exist in my head would manifest themselves in the world we all know and how that might come about.  I said that the several days prior to when I figured something might happen typically marked the time when I would let go of such notions, and so that happens now.

What's left?  Well, there's pissing people off.  There's always that.  I'm so glad I didn't think too long about trying to forgive anyone in my world, because I remember what happened with Katy in 1985 when I tried to "forgive" her.  She basically thought I tried to rape her in my truck after I called her for a date some days prior.  This "forgiveness" move I'd busted on her in response to her shit towards me fostered a sense of entitlement in me that gave me the idea that I was owed sex in exchange for forgiving her.  She didn't see it that way, and I had to apologize for being so shitty to her that night when I called her a couple of days later.

True enough, Katy had been really mean to me.  She told me on New Years Eve that she loved me and that she had broken up with her boyfriend etc. after I confessed to her that I was a virgin.  She then backed out of our "deal" a couple of weeks later, my virginity still intact.  But, that whole jive ass "forgiveness" move the following Summer was all on me, and not a good idea on my part at all.  In recent years, I've found myself finally able to unlearn those shitty behaviors and attitudes I acquired back then.  

So yes, there's pissing people off, especially women, as an alternative.  A ex-friend of mine once advised me to "forgive" some women whose behavior I go into in issue number four of my comic book.  That issue's title is, "Anita, You're the Reason I'm Not In Prison."  I stupidly followed his advice.  He later developed a tendency to physically assault his girlfriends, along with his other great behaviors towards these women, but I'm jumping ahead.  One thing this guy said to me on the occasion that he advised me to "forgive" these women: "Do you know who used to call women out on their shit?  Vernon Hoe, and they hated him for it."  Let's see that's the same "Vernon Hoe" who's been married to the same woman since 1995 and has a daughter who graduated with honors from her prestigious private school and now attends a pretty elite college.  That guy dared call women out on their shit instead of just hitting them in the face or something later on down the road when he was in a "committed relationship" with them.  What an asshole that Vernon Hoe is!

When some woman busts some cruel rejection move on me, or tries to, I try to see it for what it is.  I figure, on some level, they're trying to let me know they are not attracted to me.  Understatement, I know, but not obvious enough for me on those occasions when I want to try the "forgiveness" move in hopes of getting the good stuff in return.  When I'm attracted to someone, I try to make a good impression on them and get them to like me, and I try not do anything that would put them off.  So, I wouldn't try to throw other women up in their face in order to make them feel bad about themselves, as an example.  So, I've got to conclude that women who try to do me that way aren't attracted to me at all.  That's why I'm so keen on keeping myself at arm's length from these really attractive young women I find myself thinking about from time to time, or more often than that.  I want to size them up before I try to get close to them.  Yep, there are women in my world who can now consider themselves sized up, thank you very much.  

In 2016 I would drop my dad off at work early in the morning, and then go eat breakfast at a restaurant.  A pretty young waitress worked there.  I will call her Janine.  By this time, in 2016, I had this blog going, and thus the intrigue in my mind regarding whether anyone in my world read it without telling me.  Janine was one of these people I wondered about.  I would go on in my usual way about mean girls and past traumas and showing mean girls up with my game and so forth.

Starting in the Summer of 2016 Janine started acting rudely towards me.  Her interactions with me while refilling my coffee or taking my order seemed a little surly and curt compared to the way she'd been towards me not long before.  I decided to stop going to this particular restaurant and go other places or eat at home.  

One morning in late October I decided to eat there again.  Janine did some task at my table and said that it'd been a while since she'd seen me there.  Yeah, well.  I then overheard her talking to a male waiter in the wait station.  Janine went on about how she'd moved to Austin at a certain age, what year that was, and so on, twice.  This kind of talk from her to that waiter went on for the duration of the time I ate there that morning.  I finally paid my check and as I left, this one other male waiter I kind of knew said to me, "Have a good one," in a wary tone.

I concluded that Janine and this handsome male waiter she told this personal information to while I ate there were already boyfriend and girlfriend, and that this information she told about when she moved to Austin, at what age she moved, etc. was just some dog and pony show for my benefit.  I figured that Janine was trying to rope me into some cruel rejection game where this waiter she talked to was the winner and I was the loser.  I figured that I was then supposed to vie for Janine's favors, maybe because Janine talked about breaking up with her boyfriend during the course of her spiel to this guy, or maybe I'd caught the breakup stuff on a previous visit.  I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm paranoid, I get it.  I'm paranoid.  What to do?  Well, I find the most constructive thing to do in such instances is as little as possible.  I play to two or more possibilities, including a more mundane possibility that this is all in my head, and the multitude of possibilities, one highly charged, others not so much, dictate that I not do much of anything about any of this stuff.

I decided to stop patronizing this restaurant for the near future.  Oh yeah, by the time I went to this restaurant and witnessed what I considered a dog and pony show, I'd written a song called, "My Girlfriend Is a Hatesong," that Janine's previous interactions with me had inspired.  So maybe she'd talked about breaking with her boyfriend to other employees on a previous occasion while I dined there, all the while displaying rudeness towards me.  Maybe.  Got it?  I remember that sequence of events in that order, because I had refrained from posting "My Girlfriend Is a Hatesong" on my blog, because, at first, I thought Janine might see it and get a kick out of it, then I thought better of it.  So when I ate there that one time and Janine went on with personal information to this one waiter, I had written the song, but not yet posted it on my blog.

Well, when I decided to stop patronizing that restaurant for a long while, I felt free to post "My Girlfriend..." after about of month and half following that one visit.  I hinted as to whom it was about in the intro to the lyrics and arrangement, and in later posts, I told a version of the story I just told.  I didn't go back to that restaurant during those days at the time I knew Janine worked there for over a year and a half, if I recall.  I saw her once more when I did go back, but I won't say anymore.

In one of the posts where I told the story of that whole thing.  I talked about how Janine disgusted me.  She came off as a typical progressive young woman who would support universal health care and other social safety net measures, vote for Bernie or whomever, and, oh yeah, march in the Women's March after Trump got in and wear the little kitty cat ears and all that, but when it came to this one particularly ugly, vicious aspect of dog eat dog capitalism that she really liked, this one aspect of dog eat dog capitalism that I've outlined in the above paragraphs, she was no progressive at all.  She came off as the type that really liked this sort of shit.  Okay?  She disgusted me.

I mean, here I am, fifty something, overweight, but kind of presentable, really, and yeah, I have a major mental illness, if Janine and others at restaurant read my blog for real, yeah, they would know that, but all the same, just a customer at her place of employment.  That is all.  I never intended to try and get with her in any way.  I would just go in and eat, tip her and the other staff well, and go on my way.  She tried, in my opinion, to rope me into some cruel rejection game that said everything about her and nothing about me.  She disgusted me.  Like I said in another recent post.  It helps to have a viable frame of reference, a frame of reference that includes a sizable number of women that I NE-VER approach for social reasons, so that I can make intelligent decisions about the Janines of the world in case I run into her kind down the road somewhere, somehow.  She disgusted me.  I don't need to say anymore.

   

In 1988 I tried an experiment with Sara.  When it became apparent that she seemed committed to fucking with me while we sat in lectures in our art history class at UT, I decided to try an experiment.  I thought to myself, "Suppose this interaction I'm having with this girl represents a shot at a romantic love deal for me?  Well, what if I turned my back on love?  Would that make me a bad person?  Would that make me a weak, inadequate man?  Would that mean I was a cold, unloving man?  Would such a move, turning my back on love, mean that I would forsake the potential love of my life and lead myself to an unfulfilled life?" Well, none of those fears proved true.

Nowadays, I find myself in kind of a similar place.  This time, I want to ask myself, "What if I refuse to offer 'forgiveness' to a certain young woman in my world?"  I put forgiveness in quotes because, as I wrote in my previous post, what I used to think of as forgiveness turned out, to my way of seeing things now, to not constitute actual forgiveness at all.  In other words, the gesture I used to call forgiveness I now think of as "super-niceness" that I would visit upon women in the hope of getting material rewards in exchange.

The things I would want from individual women in exchange for this super-niceness could include love, acceptance, sex, an overall affirmation of my worth as a man- the sky's the limit, really.  So, what if I just shut all of that down?  What would happen?  Now, I have no reason to believe that the person I've been thinking about in relation to this experiment finds herself available for dating at this time.  Nor do I have any real reason to think she would have an interest in getting to know me better even if she were available for dating.  But, neither of those possibilities mean that I couldn't still just shut down all of that psuedo-forgiveness impulse on my end of it just for shits and grins, if nothing else.  I mean, I don't even know if I will physically see this person with my own eyes in the coming days or weeks- she might not be around anymore, for all I know- but I might at least relieve myself of the burden of trying to be so nice all the time about stuff.

How would shutting the impulse to be super-nice to this person at this point in time manifest itself?  Would I then display an openly hostile manner to this person should I have an occasion to interact with her?  Would that mean I have a choice between coming off as all super-nice and fawning versus coming of like some raging asshole?  Are those the only two choices?  Really?  That's all I want to do at this time.  I just want to shut down that one impulse towards super-niceness, on these occasions, to see what happens.  I'm not looking for anything else from myself, or this one other person, or anyone else, for that matter.  Just.  Stop.  Doing.  THAT.     

Those therapists I would go to for years and years always talked about relationship this and relationship that.  They would assume that because I was single and talked about wanting to date women that I wanted to be in a relationship.  I decided in early 2002 that I was not interested in a relationship. Instead, I decided that I wanted to have a variety of dating experiences with a variety of women.  I would say something to that effect to therapists thereafter, and it just went in one ear and out the other.

The reason I wanted a variety of dating experiences with a variety of women is, 1) I wanted to compile a history with women where I didn't get hurt and, 2) I wanted to compile a viable frame of reference.   These two desires go hand in hand.  A history of dating women where I didn't get hurt, for the most part, allows me to make intelligent decisions about women moving forward, because I have a viable frame of reference to draw upon.

Nowadays, at fifty-five, I see a lot of very attractive young women at these businesses I patronize, and I now have a history with these types where I don't approach them anymore for social reasons.  That's part of a viable frame of reference too.  I've just decided that the world contains a boatload of women who would just prove inappropriate for love interests or women that I would approach for the purposes of friendship, and these young women I see on a day to day basis at these businesses I patronize belong firmly in that camp. So, refraining from approaching certain individual women and certain types of women plays into compiling a viable frame of reference for me as well.  

Another element that plays into compiling a viable frame of reference has to do with deciding which types of women I will reject.  In my fairly recent past, I've not only rejected women I'm not really attracted to physically, but I've also rejected some women who had drug and/or alcohol problems that trumped any physical attraction I did have towards them.  I've said before that three things play into my decision to go on at least one date with a woman: available, interested, acts like she gives a shit about taking care of herself.  Woman who are reasonably attractive, but can't manage that last one about taking care of themselves are types I've rejected in the not too distant past.  

​Last night I decided another category of women that I can reject is mean girls.  Mean girls are typically really young, really attractive, but just fucking mean.  They often get my attention through some effort they put forth to try and rope me into some cruel rejection game.  I'm sorry, but enough is enough.  Now, with mean girls, they typically aren't the types that just throw themselves at me, so I end up rejecting the situations I find myself in with them, rather than the person themselves.  Maybe one day a really mean girl will throw herself at me for real, and I can see what I do now about  these situations as practice for that day.

I'll elaborate further on how things shake out with mean girl types these days.  They try to bust some cruel rejection move, and I've gotten to the point where I don't get hurt by that.  Afterwards, I often ask myself if I should forgive this person and allow this person in my life somehow.  Like I said, mean girl types never really throw themselves at me, so it's usually up to me to indicate that I've forgiven them by somehow approaching them for social reasons.  I talked often about how such gestures by me do not constitute genuine forgiveness, but rather manipulative nice-guy bullshit.  The only reason I seek to "forgive" these women in the aftermath of thwarting their cruel bullshit games comes from a desire to get something material in return for my "forgiveness."  I hope to get love, maybe some sex, companionship, like a girlfriend, general acceptance by them and others etc.  I've never gotten those kinds of things to my satisfaction when I attempted to forgive mean women in the past, and what actually happened, sometimes, wasn't great at all.  

I'm willing to go on a date or dates with non-goddess types, especially if they have no history of trying to visit mean behavior on me.  Hell, I'm totally willing to go on dates with goddess types of they have no history of meanness towards me as well, but that opportunity doesn't seem to come up much.  So, as of right now, I'd prefer to go out with a more "ordinary" type over a mean girl.