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Oliver Twist vs. Great Expectations

6/29/2022

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I read two of Charles Dickens' books that feature orphans as the lead characters, Oliver Twist and Great Expectations.  Dickens had a hard childhood.  His father wound up in debtor's prison, and as a boy Charles Dickens had to make his own way in the world of child labor as, from what I've read, a boot black and a worker in a bottle factory.  I find it kind of funny that the two orphans of Oliver Twist and Great Expectations come into prosperity through no devices of their own making, because Dickens had no such benefactors as he found early success as a serialized novelist in the first half of the nineteenth century in Victorian England.  Dickens had the ability to pluck himself out of the depths of personal gloom and despair and make a really good go of it in life, and his industry and success all throughout his adult life reflect this almost superhuman ability to lift himself out of almost any personal hell.  I guess he made Oliver Twist and Pip, the orphan in Great Expectations, the protagonists of those two books to shine a light on the utter helplessness children born into ill fortune experience in controlling their own destiny.

One finds this theme in full force in Oliver Twist, as, for much of the book, young Oliver finds himself cast about like a leaf in a gale from the most dire of life circumstances imaginable from birth until an incredible coincidence puts him in touch with his true lineage as a cast-off foundling from a much more prosperous class than his tormenters in the workhouse ever know of at first.  Oliver gets a taste of the good life until the criminal gang headed by Fagin kidnaps him and spirits him away from his newfound life.  The circumstances of Dickens' juvenile life in child labor no doubt inform the utter helplessness of Oliver to the whims of fortune that mark the tone of his book.  Oliver Twist came out as Dickens' second book published while still in his early to mid-twenties.  The hard life of child labor had to still taste very fresh to him. 

Great Expectations appeared as Charles Dickens' last major work, finding serialized newspaper publication as Dickens closed out his life in his fifties.   Dickens had suffered a failed, loveless marriage that ended while the author was in his forties, and he subsequently suffered the failed courtship of an eighteen year old stage actress that Dickens might have seen as his last chance at finding true love.  These experiences of women doubtlessly inform his characterizations of Miss Havisham and her young, beautiful protege, Estella.  Miss Havisham comes on as an elderly spinster who raises the beautiful Estella from childhood for the sole purpose of breaking the hearts of the male of the species.  Miss Havisham wears the same wedding dress she wore as a young woman, who, jilted at the alter by a rogue, vows revenge through the upbringing of Estella as a heartless bitch-goddess.  Pip finds himself hopelessly enamored of Estella from boyhood, all while suffering from the delusion that Miss Havisham serves as his mysterious benefactor that bestows a gentlemanly station upon him at the arrival of his eighteenth year.  For all of Dickens can-do pluck, he never found the love he longed for, and might have worked himself to death in his late fifties, as he toured Great Britain giving physically demanding readings of his works, perhaps as an effort to ward off the despair brought upon him by this central failure in the face of encroaching old age.

Great Expectations holds the general regard as Dickens' best book, but the visceral brutality in Oliver Twist really lays bare the hardship of life for England's lower classes in his times.  I imagine the overwrought sentimentality found in Oliver Twist put the tongues of twentieth century critics of such tendencies into a never-ending scolding clucking that attempted to rattle a previously unassailable literary reputation, but hey, Dickens and his depictions of the hardships of his times initiated an attempt for art to bring that stuff to light that ran through the rest of the nineteenth century in books such as Uncle Tom's Cabin, and influenced the attempts to form more humane welfare states in the developed world in the twentieth century.


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I think I did a good job, but I hope I don't go through anything like that again

6/18/2022

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One may look at any number of blog posts around the late 2010's and find me saying that I figured, "God wants me to get these women right," because I kept finding myself in the same situation with the same kind of unavailable woman over and over and over again.   The last time I found myself in this same situation involved that young woman who used to work at that business whom I can go on and on and on about.  I think I got her right.  I think I did alright by her.  I don't think she has any reason to complain about how I treated her at her place of employment or in my references to her on this blog.

I now wonder whether I will find myself in a similar situation with a young, attractive, yet unavailable woman in the coming days, weeks, months, or years.  I also wonder, on the other hand, if my skillful handling of that last situation marked the end of an era.  I wonder if any situation I could potentially find myself immersed in with a young, attractive woman who fits the same profile as those women at that one particular business I still patronize could even evolve into a full blown big deal.

I mentioned a young, attractive, probably unavailable woman who plays in a band I've seen a few times around town.  I decided to stop following her band on social media, and I may even refrain from going to her band's shows for quite some time.  I have a choice as to whether I will be around her or her online presence, and for now, I've decided to refrain from all such contact.  With that last young woman I found myself preoccupied with for the last several years, I had to go out of my way to avoid seeing her at her place of employment.  I had to go to another business from time to time.  I did stuff like that many times in regards to that young woman I fixated on for quite some time, but I find is so much easier to avoid this other girl's presence, and I like avoiding this other girl's presence, so much so that I don't see any major situation developing in regards to her.
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Having something going for me

6/13/2022

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I've talked before about one date I had in 2015 who told me she didn't compete for men, with a smirk in her voice and on her face, twice, and I've also talked about the girl from a long time ago that called me the ultimate underdog after I talked to her for the first time at a club one night.  Both of these women thought that talking to me that way would give them some advantage over me, and I decided to not have anything to do with either of them in pretty short order- even though both of these women were interested in me.  I guess a reasonably attractive woman having an interest in me doesn't necessarily do it for me like I once thought it would.  

When I think about these two women and other women who tried that kind of backhanded, disrespectful shit on me, and how they and others just assumed they had a captive audience with me and could pull that kind of thing on me, I think of other friends and ex-friends of mine who seemed to rank higher than me in the collective hierarchy of a lot of women we've all associated with at times. Yeah, these various friends and ex-friends did not and do not get that kind of treatment from a lot of women like I seem to rate.   That sucks.

The only viable solution I can come up with involves the idea that I try to have things going for me that don't involve the acceptance and approval of women.  I just completed an eight page story for a comics anthology due out later this year.  That kind of thing.  I'm taking both banjo lessons and guitar lessons.  I hope to record another album with both guitar and banjo on it next year or the year after.  That kind of thing.  When that women said to me that she didn't compete for men, my life and the way I live it shot back that she has some pretty awesome elements of my own life and personal freedom that she definitely has to compete with, and she didn't make the cut.  So that's all I really want to do about this collective attitude that I see from a lot of women who relate to me in any good, bad, or indifferent way.  I just try to make my life worth my time and attention, and if I have to educate any arrogant-attitude- having women in my world, one at a time, as to the fact of the matter, so be it.
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Someday my prince will come?

6/5/2022

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I think maybe that girl loves me.  I mean that girl who used to work at that one business I patronize.  That girl I used to go on and on about on this blog.  I just got back from a family gathering, and I came to that conclusion.  Maybe she even loves me as much as I love her.

I could be wrong.  Maybe I've done so well at overcoming my problems with love addiction that I can finally, truly experience happiness without love.  But I've been plenty happy for long periods of time for much of my life since I first made a commitment to take much better care of myself in October of 2001. Each successive decision I made led me to happier and happier places.  First it was quitting smoking.   Then, years later, it was quitting drugs and alcohol.   Then it was reviving my experiment to "turn my back on love" in September, 2012. Is this time so different?  It just might be.

Welp, I guess the moratorium on personal blog posts is over.  Yeah, maybe I'll just wind up looking like an asshole in much the same way she made me look like an asshole after I reached out to her on October 22nd, 2021.  Yes,  that was sarcasm.  Maybe the joke really is on me, again, this time as well. That's not sarcasm.  I believe time and the course of succeeding events might provide a conclusive resolution to this current dilemma.  So, yeah, maybe time will tell.
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Tales From the Crate

6/4/2022

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I managed to get my hands on some zines called Tales From the Crate put out by Nix Comics out of Ohio.  The writer and publisher, Ken Eppstein, buys fifty dollars worth of used vinyl records, reviews his purchases, and puts them in this zine.  He goes to the trouble to research the artist and/or the particular release, and so writes a review that comes off as very informative, entertaining, and insightful in regards to the record reviewed.  His own wonky knowledge of the sides and the artists contributes greatly to the information he puts in the review.  He has a true passion for his vinyl collecting, and he conveys this enthusiasm in his reviews.  Check @nixcomics on Twitter and Instagram.

As the readers of this blog might have guessed, I'm trying to refrain from blogging about my personal life again.  Let us see if I can last more than a week or two this time.  Tonight I attended an event, and as I walked by an attractive woman, she gave me a wincing smile.  I don't know if she gave me this look because I stared at her and she caught me at it, or if she reads my blog and tried to convey a reaction to something I wrote recently.  That's way too much intrigue or me.  I want to improve my relationship with women, and if I can't tell the difference between the two above causes that may explain why this woman winced at me, I will try to eliminate one possible explanation- an explanation I would admittedly find much less disquieting than the staring-at-women explanation- and try to work on myself from there.
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Replacement?

5/29/2022

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I went to see a band some guys I know play in last night.  Another band played before this band whose personnel consisted entirely of four very attractive, very young women.  One of these young women in this band I have a bit of a crush on.  After their set, I went up to her and talked to her a little as she took down their gear from the stage.  She struck me as very nice and I, given that I don't drink anymore, kept my small talk with her short and sweet and polite.  She and everyone else in her band left soon after they finished their set.

I'm glad that I can at least just like someone such as this young woman in this band and not feel as if I'm going to have a major situation on my hands.  I don't see her as replacing that young woman I feel as if I fell in love with of these past several years.  I had a lot of questions answered last night about how someone such as this young band-girl fits into my universe, and I don't really feel any need to see her or interact with her in the foreseeable future.  Her band plays out a lot, but I decided a while back that I wouldn't go see them except when they played on the same bill as my friends' band.  Now I feel as if can just let that whole deal slip through my fingers and pursue other interests besides young goddess types.  I might go see this band this young girl's in before the calendar year's out, but I'm on no hurry. 

Before I sign off, I just want to say this band this girl's in rock hard, and aren't some kind of novelty act just because they're all attractive young women.  I see lots of bands with women of various ages, shapes, and sizes, and they can play and write songs with the best of any band I see on this scene.  I don't want to mention their name (sorry), because these posts tend to have a personal take on any women in my world.
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Gun laws

5/27/2022

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Of course, the news of the massacre in Uvalde upset me a great deal.  But my grief comes with the understanding that anger and sadness alone won't do anything about incidents such as the massacre in Uvalde as long as people keep electing (primarily) Republican leaders who do nothing to make assault weapons, large magazines, etc. harder to get..  I see no point in carrying any outrage around for an extended period of time unless I do something constructive with it.  I endorse Beto O'Rourke for governor, because his long shot chances of beating an entrenched incumbent in Gregg Abbott at least give me SOMEWHERE I can direct all  I want to direct in the way of enacting change to this ridiculous situation we've found ourselves in since the days of Charles Whitman.

Right now, I don't stand willing to do anything personally other than blog about this topic on a platform that registers about twenty-five page views a week, so I have no incentive to carry around huge amounts of anger and outrage in light of my (supposedly) tiny audience.  I'll see if I'm willing to do more than write about this stuff in the time leading up to the midterm election.  Until then, I just urge readers to know where the people that supposedly represent them stand on this issue of easy gun access for disturbed people and make up their minds on whether or not they want those politicians to continue to represent them.
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Managing my illness

5/22/2022

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My last post brought up the notion that, once again, I managed to fall in love with the wrong person these past several years.  Of course, I still have some thoughts of getting with this person someway, somehow in the foreseeable future, but my prevailing thoughts involve the realization that these past several years really saw me manage what amounts to a key element of my mental illness.  So, on the one hand I cared for this person a great deal and wanted more than anything a resolution we could both live with, whether that outcome involved getting together with this person or not, but on the other hand, I've been down this same road so many times by now, I saw the whole process with a detached, almost clinical eye.  So yeah, on the one hand, I experienced the stuff of poems and songs and whatnot, but on the other hand, I tried to manage this situation much in the same way as someone would manage their diabetes or high blood pressure.   For me that mainly involved questioning automatic, long held assumptions about what a good person would do in such a situation, and whether or not efforts to create a manageable distance between myself and this person would make me into some bad person I could no longer recognize.  I think my one big try at reaching out to her put all of those apprehensions I and others might have had about whether my efforts to achieve a separation of identity between myself and this girl...I think I did alright by her and by me both, and I'm satisfied that I did all I could.   So yeah, for me, I see situations that arise of this nature more along the lines of managing a chronic illness such as diabetes or high blood pressure than as some great opportunity to, at long last, find true, everlasting love. 
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"Game over?"

5/10/2022

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I heard a youngish mother say that to her son as she played with her kids in the yard while I went on my walk this evening.  She smiled at me when I looked over at her with her kids as I walked by.  So yeah, I'll take that out of context and apply it to my situation.  I'd say "game over" to the situation that developed between myself and that young woman over these three-plus years.

Playing her the same way I played it with Sara in 1988 emotionally prepared me for the realities she presented to me.  All she managed to get away with consisted of having several boyfriends in succession -boyfriends who weren't me- during the time she remained on my docket.  Ho-hum.

I'll say it again: I played to the idea, right up front, that I could totally accept an outcome where we don't become boyfriend and girlfriend.  I didn't just have that acceptance in my back pocket while in reality I tried to come off as some great guy who really, really tried first to make things work out for us, either.  Nope, I stood willing to let any opportunity I saw to get with her slip through my fingers, for shits and grins if nothing else.  Just to see what happened.  Yep, "turning my back on love."  I could write a how-to book on how a guy with a major mental illness can handle a tendency to fall in love with the wrong person.  A tendency that greatly contributes to his mental and emotional instability should he be twenty years old, undiagnosed, and experiencing all of that for the first time.  For the first time in all its psychotic intensity, that is.

Yeah, I called it "falling in love," During  that whole time I dealt with her I took care to say things such as, "I care for her," or "I'm fond of her," but a lot of people would call what I experienced, one-sided though I now could label it; a lot of people would call my experience falling in love.  Well, alright then.  That might best describe the whole state of feeling utterly consumed by thoughts and feelings for someone who just...was never there, for all I can tell.

Yep, I acted in both of our best interests the whole time, just as I said I would.   That definitely put me one up on her, in my opinion.  I never considered it in her best interest for her to get some seriously wounding licks in on me, and that never happened.  And I never considered it in my best interest, and I still don't, to try and "reciprocate" with hateful or hurtful attitudes and behaviors towards her.  That never happened either, and won't happen, if I have anything to say about it, and I do.  Game over.  I am the winner.  Nice try, punk.  Now hit the showers.   
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Why I won't try to retaliate

5/3/2022

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In my last post I pointed out that I never once tried to retaliate against "Jenna" in the aftermath of that whole time around her in 1991/'92.  I want to emphasize too: she acted so snottily and condescendingly towards me at times in the wake of my attempts to resolve the situation during the Summer of 1992.  She was not an easy one to deal with at any point.

In the wake of my successful effort to make things right with Jenna in June of 1992, the notion entered my head that Jenna had been sexually abused by her dad when she was a very young child.   To be sure, Jenna acted so cruelly towards me on more than one occasion, but the fact that she still held herself together to the extent that she did when I knew her, and tried to make a go of it in life given the history I guessed at about her lent some honor to her struggles.  After I had those notions of her history, the thought of ever trying to mete out some proportional notion of retribution towards her never, ever, at any one time, ever crossed my mind.

This young woman who, I guess, still resides on my docket as an issue might have some kind of history, or maybe she's just a brat with a supreme sense of entitlement that makes her feel as if God is on her side whenever she does what ever she tried to do to me up until about six months ago.  Wherever she came from with her shit towards me, something I read in David Burns' Feeling Good pops into my head every time the notion of proportional retaliation on my part towards her crosses my mind: people never feel as if they deserve retaliation.  The FACT that she simply would NEVER feel as if she deserved my attempts at retribution nullifies any desire on my part to get back at her.  People simply don't think that way.
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