I've talked about how I've decided to refrain from patronizing a certain business while a particular young woman may work there. I see no reason to discontinue this practice. I feel good about my decision overall. One reason I made this decision has to do with the idea some other employees may have had that this young woman needed protecting from me. Well, they're doing a bang-up job of protecting her, because I haven't seen her in three weeks now.
One of my songs, "My Girlfriend Is a Hatesong," talks about this waitress at this restaurant I've been going to more often lately, again. This waitress seems to not work there, which accounts for one big reason I'm going there more often. I wrote a song titled "My Girlfriend Is a Hatesong" about her because I used my mighty psychic abilities to guess that she tried to rope me into some cruel sexual/ romantic love rejection game she had going on. One may listen to "My Girlfriend Is a Hatesong" on my Bandcamp page, which one may access on the Music tab on my site. "My Girlfriend Is a Hatesong" resides as the sixth or so track of my 2018 masterpiece, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
I don't really know if she tried to rope me into some cruel sexual/ romantic love rejection game, but I didn't use her name in the song or anything that would identify her to an uninformed third party, so that just means my muse is a rather bitter/ paranoid little thing that makes sure the targets of her wrath don't get unduly hurt, I guess.
But, I would only patronize this business because I wanted to eat there. I never bothered this woman, I don't think, I tipped her well, and I just went on my way. Why rope me in as the loser in some vicious, capitalistic sex game where someone MUST play the role of the loser to whomever she deemed the winner? And yeah, this waitress might identify herself as just the lefty type who would rail against the excesses of capitalism, save for this one aspect of it which she really gets off on. One of the main lessons I've learned in following my buddha resides in the way a LOT of people NEED for me to play the role of loser in their tragicomic little shit plays. I've found this NEED that I'm somehow supposed to meet to exist because following my buddha allows me to shut down my end of it and just observe the world around me.
I've written about the particulars of this waitress' game before, but I'll try to summarize briefly. This waitress started acting rudely towards me for no reason on the occasions when I would dine there. I wrote that great song I mentioned at the top of this post, and decided to not go in there for a while. When I first wrote it I thought, "If I post this on my blog and she reads it, I bet she'd get a real kick out of it," but then I thought better of posting it right then.
I came back to this restaurant after about a month. She mentioned that she hadn't seen me in a while. Throughout my meal I overheard her talk to this really handsome, newer waiter in the wait station. She mentioned twice that she'd moved to Austin when she was twelve, plus other autobiographical information. As I left, a waiter I liked said, "Have a good one," in a wary tone.
My incredible psychic abilities ascertained that this waitress and this handsome waiter were already boyfriend and girlfriend by the time she volunteered this stuff about herself to him. My incredible psychic abilities ascertained that her end of the conversation amounted to some charade for the benefit of others, maybe even me. Anyhoo, given that this stuff just resided in my head, I decided to just stop going to this place when she worked there and, a month or so after that decision, I posted the dis song of all dis songs, "My Girlfriend Is a Hatesong," available for one's FREE listening pleasure through the link on my Music page to my Bandcamp site. On the great album, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (it's the eighth track on the album).
As I've said before, I wonder how people like her boyfriend like the idea of being used to play these kinds of games? Sometimes the sex partner relishes it greatly until they lose, I guess. But, I imagine at least some of these people don't like the idea of being, ahem, USED as a means for this kind of person's end. Oh well, I just like to think out loud on these things.
I posted two weeks ago that I would stop patronizing one particular business when I thought that one particular female employee may work there. I said at the time that actions speak louder than words, and so it goes, I haven't seen this particular young woman since, because I really did refrain form patronizing this place during her known hours. I plan on keeping it up. I have done a lot of daily activities since my decision, and I feel comfortable in general. I can sit in a bar or a nightclub at a table for long periods of time and just chill. I haven't been able to do that kind of thing in as long as I can remember.
The situation I found myself in regarding this young woman just creeped me out somehow. I tended to project a lot of paranoid thoughts onto her to the point where I just wanted to bail, and bail I did. The bottom line came to the fact that she didn't seem to want to interact with me at all, and since getting closer to her socially did not present itself as a viable option, and since I did not want things to stay the same, I opted to change things up substantially. I don't know if any of my paranoid thoughts had any basis in reality, but I feel really good about the idea that I can just bail on one of these situations anytime I want to and not have to worry about forsaking the love of my life.
If I encounter any other waitresses or baristas or whatever in my world that just want to get up in my business and see what I'm made of, I will try to keep the following in mind. Although I greatly admire the abundance of youth and beauty they typically possess, I'm looking for someone more approachable for social things such as dates. So, I would like to approach women who possess some of the qualities of youth and beauty these women have, but I want to approach women who might actually go out with me or hang out with me or what have you.
I compiled quite an oh-fer, starting in 2009 and going up to 2013, as far as striking out with the waitresses and baristas in my world. Since 2013, I've approached three of these types of women through a more discreet Facebook friend request. Two of those three at least accepted my friend request. The last one I approached via this method decided to take offense, I guess, so that's it for the Facebook friend requests. I'm not on Facebook anymore anyway.
The only other woman of this type I approached since 2013 first invited me to hang out with her at her favorite bar. I told her I didn't drink, which I guess was the deal killer for her. That's pretty good, though. Three Facebook friend requests and one woman who wasn't just a total asshole about the whole deal since 2013. I don't really feel the need to put myself out there for anyone of these types in my world at this time. Nope. It seems as if for every young woman I "process," i.e. decide to let go of somehow, another just sprouts up from somewhere and takes her place. That may result from the whole "nature abhors a vacuum" phenomenon. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I don't really know, and it really doesn't matter.
I've been working on my youtube channel. It looks like I'm going to keep a pretty low profile on that, judging by the lack of traffic on the video I uploaded the other day. I hope to shoot new videos after I rehearse a bunch of songs for the next two weeks. I have all the equipment I need, and I'm familiar enough with the software that I can work that end too. The sound is pretty good on the new video, considering that it's live and I'm using a twenty-two dollar condenser mic.
Um, about what happens in issue number eighteen, yeah. I'm wondering if people have actually gone down to the library and read that issue. It seems as if maybe some of the people who read this blog may have done just that. But, then again, is the data on views to this website real? Does the data reflect in any way that local people I interact with in my everyday world actually read these blog posts and would go to the trouble to go down to the main library and read the books there on the Zine Shelf? I wonder, because of the total lack of traffic on the YouTube channel.
Maybe it's the price I pay for being an underground phenom, people they just don't want me to really know. Kind of like how God put dinosaur fossils underground when he created the world six thousand years ago in order to fool the skeptics about the age of the Earth.
Soo, if anyone really has read issue number eighteen and thinks anything of that part where I talk to Michelle at the Cannibal Club, there are some things to keep in mind. Mainly, that medical science says those kind of "recovered memories" are actually hallucinations. With that in mind, I feel kind of bad exploiting what happened to "Michelle," even though it happened thirty years ago. Like I said, I seem to keep a pretty low profile and seem doomed to obscurity with my art and music, and that may prove to be the only saving grace for me just coming out with all of this stuff-that not that many people will read it.
I want people to say, "I can at least see why he would have the beliefs he has about these experiences." I do personally believe that there is something to these experiences I've had. I've just decided to take a personal leap of faith about all of this stuff, but I just want people to read the books and maybe to sell some at a competitive price. Yeah, it would be nice to have an audience, over anything more heavy than that.
In issue number four of Richy Vegas Comics, "Anita, You're the Reason I'm Not In Prison," the shit goes down as follows: At the beginning of the book I talk about how I worked at a restaurant where I felt loved and accepted by my coworkers, a lot of whom were women. One page shows me getting a cake and the happy birthday song as a surprise. I talk about how women took an interest in me for the first time in many years.
A little further into the book, I go into how I confess an obsession with a young woman who, though she no longer worked there at the time, roomed with the female manager whom I confessed my obsession to, and she still worked an occasional shift and still frequented the place as a visiting friend and customer. Some months earlier, this same woman had hinted to me in a cruel manner that she did not want to date me.
So, after I confessed my obsession for this woman to the manager, I asked this same woman out. She didn't want to go out with me, but I was nice to her about it and all that. I thought that being nice might still give me a chance, but some weeks after I asked this woman out, and I thought things were going good with her, she acted kind of cold to me on the phone.
A few days later, the restaurant had its last two nights of business due to TABC issues. As my dishwashing shift began, I still fantasized about things going my way with this woman, but I also processed some rather ugly interactions with the female manager, this woman's roommate, who seemed to think she was really clever in dropping hints that this woman had taken up with some guy.
Later in my shift, Anita, someone I knew from high school and college, stepped up to greet me as I picked up a bus-tub from the outside deck. We exchanged phone numbers, and I went about my business.
A little later, some guy who knew the owners, and whom I saw talking a little to "Julie" on some previous night, stood at the bar. He asked me what was so special about the hummus. I explained to him the reason for the name, and went on my way.
Some time after that, Julie, the object of my desire, sat at the bar. The guy who asked me the question about the hummus sat a few chairs down at the other end of the short bar. Just as I was about to greet Julie warmly, Anita walks up to the bar. She said, "It was good to see you, Richard. You have my number and I have your number, call me soon. Okay?" I kind of relished the moment, smiled widely, and said, "Yeah, I will," and then Anita left.
I then turned to Julie and said, "Hi, Julie," as if I really liked her, because I did. She kind of gulped her red wine, exhaled and said, "Hi," as if she had to catch her breath. The guy who sat a few chairs over went over to Julie and started talking to her. They then sat together at a a table and talked.
Sometime later Julie said goodbye to everyone and left with this guy. I then realized that Julie had tried to set me up for a fall, but that Anita had thwarted her move. I, in the next logical thought, concluded that Anita was a special agent sent by the League to help me out of this jam.
The next night, the last night of business, was even busier than the previous night. At the beginning of the night, Julie sat at the bar and tried to play it off as if she'd won. She spent the entire night trying to throw this guy up in my face, so to speak, as they sat together with one of the guy's frat boy lookin' friends. Towards the end of the evening, the frat boy friend insulted Julie, and emotionally exhausted as I was, I let the guy know in nonverbal terms that I'd like nothing more than to just beat his ass.
I think Julie's new righteous boyfriend dumped her a few days later. The kind of game Julie tried to play with me was a pretty familiar one to me by the time this iteration of if went down in June, 1999, but it seems to be one that attractive young women never seem to tire of playing with me to this day. They lose pretty bad these days too.
I wonder how these guys these women try to throw up in my face feel about being used in such a manner? I get the impression that a fair number of these guys don't like this shit at all. Julie's boyfriend was one who willingly played at the outset, but some of them seem to get a rude awakening when they find out what's going on in the middle of one of these scenarios.
Anyway, I get a lot of bro love from some of these guys, if not all of them. I often get a lot of bro love from these types of guys, no matter how I know them. The Incels, that internet community of inexperienced, angry, frustrated men, has taken to calling these guys "Chads," and declared them their enemy. But, I guess I came up before any of that nonsense came around, and I don't know if I ever went as dark in my anger towards individual women or women in general as the Incels regularly display online or in violent acts in the real world.
Here's the link to my youtube video (I hope). I wrote this song in 2015, so anyone I've associated with since then doesn't have to take it personally. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHa1lTkQeN0
This same video can be found in the link to the youtube channel above.
The other night I went to the open mike night at the Posse East. I sat there calmly for quite some time by myself near the front of the stage taking in the acts. I don't remember the last time I felt so chill while out in a club or bar recently. I attributed this newfound inner peace to the fact that I'd brought my deal with this young woman I've been writing about recently to the next level.
Now, I don't know if I'll ever go out with this person, or if I'll even make her acquaintance, but I wanted something to change between myself and her, and so I made that happen. When I would see her at her job at this business I patronize, she seemed reluctant to even make eye contact with me, much less greet me in a friendly manner and make me feel as if she wanted me around. Since she seemed not at all receptive to me getting closer to her, and I didn't want things to stay the same, I decided to go the other way and not go to this business when I figured she might work there.
Me, I'm just following my buddha. This idea came to me back in 1988 with Sara. I wanted to see what would happen if I turned my back on love. I thought I'd made a tragic mistake by doing this in 1990, and in 1992 I went mad trying to make up for this supposed mistake.
One thing that Sara and Jenna, the girl from 1992, had in common was they never really let me know in any overt kind of way that they liked me. I was just supposed to pick up on hints that people dropped and jump through hoops as best I could. I wasn't having that with Sara, but with Jenna I really tried to see things through to the bitter end in my own way.
Maybe this young woman is too proud to let me know in some overt way that she likes me. Well then, she could join some pretty bad company with that attitude. I found out through a mutual friend that the first girl I dated liked me, ditto with the second girl I dated. But no, me and this young woman have no mutual friends in common, I suppose, so that's out. Well, following one's buddha is not kid's stuff, and it's not for the squeamish.
These posts of the last few weeks brought up a very attractive young woman who works at one of these businesses I patronize. I think that I will try to not go to this business at any time I think she may work there. I just saw this fork in the road open up today, and I think i want to take a road where I greatly minimize the chance that I will see her.
I haven't done anything wrong in my opinion, but as of about an hour or two ago, I saw that I had before me a tradeoff. If I don't go to this person's place of employment when I figure she may work there, I would essentially give up the hope that I could get to know her better and form a friendship with her. In exchange for giving that up, I would have back in fuller measure the life I have built up as a single person that involves my art projects, my music projects, the pursuit of more constructive friendships, and the overall sense that I'm happier not pursuing the kinds of friendships with women where I'm constantly wondering whether or not I am just barking up the wrong tree yet again.
I know, actions speak louder than words, Rich, but I just wanted to get this off of my chest. I've busted this kind of move before in the not-too-distant past-refraining from seeing some woman I was attracted to- and I found myself very satisfied with the results.
In other news, the latest issue of Richy Vegas Comics, issue # 18, The Legend of Richy Vegas, part 5, is now on the zine shelf at the main library downtown. That's the Austin Public Library. Of course, one may order this issue and other from this web site, or I'll catch you at one of the zine fests or cons where I will have a table in the coming months.
In one of Dr. David Burns' books, I think I refer to Intimate Connections, the author talks about a how a willingness to risk losing someone proves essential in that person's willingness to hang around for a while. Simply put, a person who displays an overly fearful demeanor at the prospect of losing a potential intimate partner will not come off well to that desired person, and that increases the likelihood that the valued person will leave. I'm not going to assume that someone or other in my world wants to get to know me better at this time, but this blog allows me to practice speaking my mind in the event that the day may come where that is the case, and hey, maybe that is the case right now. I just don't know.
Since about the age twenty-two, I've had a steady diet of women trying to punish me for past misdeeds against other women. The first time I recall this happening, it involved a couple of girlfriends of someone I had a fixation on in high school. So, years later, in college, I found out that another girlfriend of these women represented herself as available and interested in order to try to punish me for my weirdness from years past.
Another notable time occurred in my last semester of undergrad, when "Linda" feigned interest in me in class. On the second to the last day of class, she talked with some other girls about tattoos, and icily mentioned that her BOYFRIEND had a tattoo of... Linda then came into the class where I stood and drew the model, and she stomped her feet repeatedly and demonstratively as if to symbolically stomp on my heart. In recent times it occurred to me that she was trying to punish me back then for the time I made a crude sexual proposition to "Wanda" in February of 1987. I suspect that a girl from that clique of friends that knew about that incident made sure that word got round about it in the art school.
Another notable time this seemed to happen occurred after I returned from grad school. A friend of mine named Jim seemed really amused by my behavior towards Wanda and related a version of that incident to anyone within earshot for like, the entire time I spent in grad school in New York City before returning. I'm still picking up the pieces from that time, and today I will work on the next five issues of "The Legend of Richy Vegas" that detail my descent into madness.
Another notable time involves the time I worked at a restaurant in 1998/ 1999. I tell my version of what went down in issue number 4 of Richy Vegas Comics, "Anita You're the Reason I'm Not In Prison." I published that comic in late 2010, but the other parties' version of what went down had been circulating for years. The book seemed to speak well for me on that score, because I noticed a change in the demeanor of at least one person whom I assumed instigated a lot of the trouble I faced. I noticed a change on other fronts as well.
Now, when faced with these kinds retaliatory behaviors repeatedly, I've come to a couple of conclusions. The wrong way to handle these behaviors involves trying to retaliate in what I consider fair and equal measure for whatever wrong I've felt these parties' have perpetrated on me. What would constitute a more constructive approach? Well, I believe that speaking my mind about what I see in regards to these situations would help.
I think the factors that unite every one of these actions taken by these women- and quite a few men as well- I think these people make these decisions based on two factors, and two factors primarily: 1) that I seem vulnerable to such an attack and, 2) that they think they can get away with such an attack with no negative consequences. These two beliefs stem from the socioeconomic realities and stigma of what it means to have a major mental illness in this society, and not so much to do with any actual wrongs I may have done. These people make these decisions because they feel they are justified in their course of action and that they will derive a great deal of satisfaction in the outcome. I would guess that the idea that I am not like them, let's say that I'm subhuman to their fully human, aids in this whole thought process. That is a very ugly side of human nature for me to see over, and over, and over again through the years.
So, if I suspect an attractive young or youngish woman in my world had taken something of an interest in me through my deft handling of such an attempted aggression by themselves and others against me-and I'm not saying that is going on right now, but just suppose- what should I do? Should I retaliate in what I consider a fair and equal measure? I think not. My experience in years past tells me that the other party will not feel as if they deserve to be treated that way, and that I will feel bad after I behave that way towards them, and that such actions will cause a lot more problems than they solve. If I had a chance to get to know such a person better, I hope that I would have the courage to broach such a subject at an opportune time, using language they could accept and behaving in a manner that they could accept. Again, I think that not having the courage to take such a course of action would only serve to make me come off as afraid of losing that person. If I learned anything from my time with Sara in 1988, I learned how to accept and even embrace an outcome where myself and the concerned other party do not become boyfriend and girlfriend.
I think I can understand if someone out there doesn't want to hear about the kinds things I've just brought up in this post on some supposed future date with me. Maybe that explains why I've NEVER, EVER dated someone who has come after me in such an adversarial manner. I mean, lots of women have totally come after me, but I've been intimate with only a handful of women not that many times and dated even fewer of those I've been with. If anyone sees themselves in what I've described in the above paragraphs in regards to stigma and wants to beg off right here and now....well, okay.
I'm going to preach this sermon once more, because I find myself in this situation yet again. It looks as if I busted a party or parties in the middle of some cruel rejection game they tried to get going on me. As is the usual these days, it's employees of businesses I patronize on a day to day basis. I'm getting pretty good at this, and like I've said before, recovery from my issues seems to take a progressive route, in that I just get better and better at it. That means these young attractive women I can go on about don't have much of an opportunity to treat me in as shabby or abusive a manner as they would like to do.
Now, should I forgive these people? Right off the bat? I don't think that constitutes genuine forgiveness. Past experiences with these awkward situations tell me that a sudden, unilateral effort to forgive these young, attractive women after these episodes would amount to myself wanting something material in exchange for conferring forgiveness on these women. That something would include love, sex, companionship etc. My experiences tell me that trying to forgive someone in hopes of getting something material in return is not real forgiveness. The behaviors I and the other parties could engage in, and not getting those material things in return for my "forgiveness," just led to more trouble for me.
What do I do instead? I think I will just go about my day to day routines. That would include going about my business at these coffee shops and restaurants and other places. I can go any time I want, no matter which employees work there, because I didn't do anything wrong, and if I just go about my business and don't bother anyone, I think we can all accept that. These women have the right to earn a living just as much as anyone else does. I've had people actually apologize for stuff in the past, and then I would say, "Okay." I think that would make for a more genuine effort at reconciliation over the idea that I just confer forgiveness because I'm such a good guy.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.