I'm going to try to record two more songs in the next couple of days.  I recorded two on the Telecaster today.  I'm going to give my fingertips a break before I play any more.  I've also done some editing today.  I edited some of the pauses out of "Three Days In the Tickle."  It sounds a little better.

I'm really pleased that I've started the text layout for the fifth of the five comic books of the first part of, "The Legend of Richy Vegas."  I might even be able to finish the layout of text by the end of this month.  That would increase the likelihood that I will have the first book ready by January of next year.  I gave myself until Labor Day to finish the layout of text phase of this series, so being this far ahead is great!

As far as the women in my world are concerned.  I think the best thing I can do is blow them all off.  One or two have been pretty, oh you know, but I'm just trying to push the envelope in the direction of not doing much of anything about any of that.  I just want to see what, if anything, is on the other side of that coin.

I want to try to save up for a bass guitar and a beginner's drum kit.  I figure both those would run me about eleven hundred dollars, so I've got my work cut out for me.  I still have some credit card debt that I'm trying to pay off, plus I've got to pay for the mastering and CD pressing of the latest record, and further on down the road I have to pay for the book I want to have done by January.  I might not be able to afford the musical stuff until next Summer.  Then I would have to think about lessons.  I don't want to just charge that stuff on my credit card.  I'd do that only if I could pay it all off in three or four months, but that's definitely not the case.

I've become a lot better at being able to tell when someone I know is lying to me, men or women.  A lot of higher functioning skills many many people seem to take for granted and don't have to think much about are ones that I have absolutely had to learn through many painful experiences.  When a woman is representing herself as something she is not; in other words, representing herself as available and interested in me in some way when she is not, and my ability to detect that this is going on before the shit hits the fan; that is a skill I pretty much had to teach myself, with no guidance from parents or other friends or family members.  Some friends have been helpful, mainly the ones who refrained from telling me how they were right and I was wrong when I described scenarios that were going down and what I thought was happening and where I thought the other party was really coming from.

But yeah, I think a guy who regularly obsesses on individual women on a regular basis is a type of pushover.  I find it helpful to talk back to my initial impulse to idealize the very attractive young women who typically inspire this line of thinking.  Most of the really attractive women I can get so hung up on are usually also really square, and these are often the types that seem to eagerly play the games I find so hurtful, so they may look perfect, but right there, that is not my ideal at all.

Another thing I've realized is this: these fixations don't last forever.  If I just slow everything down and pick my spots, things will play out to my satisfaction.  A willingness to face reality is the most helpful thing in this kind of ordeal.  These unavailable woman deals I find myself in don't seem to last much longer than four months these days before the big reveal.  I try to do as little as possible about it, knowing pretty well that a big reveal, that this person was not what they seemed to be in some part of my brain, could be in the offing.  

The biggest difference since 2012 for me has been the revival of the "What If I Turned My Back On Love?" experiment that I tried just one time previously in 1988.  The post, "I'm not bad," from January 2016 goes into detail about that first experiment.   This approach really makes the coping skills I've mentioned; learning how to not idealize someone, not doing much at all when a fixation does go down, and a willingness to let a supposed opportunity slip through my fingers; I can really put these coping skills into play when I just kind of fling this love bullshit right back at these trolls and let them know right off that they can go fuck themselves with that shit at first whiff.

Right now I'm just liking the fact that I'm not at all interested in finding a love interest from amongst the women in my world.  That seems to be where a lot of that bullshit starts.  I don't seem to have the ability to change the ways of the world, so I just try to concentrate on what I can change in myself.



  

My last post might have given some people the impression that I'm really depressed.  That is not true at all.  I respond really well to my medicine, and just as importantly, I've been resolving my conflicts with those in my world in, I must say, a pretty efficient and competent way.  

I used the comparison to Harvey Pekar, and how he had to undergo ECT after his retirement, to convey a sense of drift and aimlessness after satisfactorily resolving this Invisible Woman thing.  Be assured, I have my comics and music to give me a something to do on an almost daily basis.  I also have a small circle of friends that I see as much as I want.  I also have the near constant presence of family in my life, for better or worse, and that is mostly for the better.

Don't any of you young ladies out there get the idea that I NEED to be in conflict with someone in order to feel fulfilled.  That is NOT TRUE.  Don't even think about it! 

I just want to apologize to all the wonderful young Latinas in my world for my remarks in my last post.  I guess that I just wanted to give them a little ribbing, but it may have come out wrong.  To the extent that I understand women that I'm attracted to at all, it is through my experiences, in large part, to Latinas I have been acquainted with since my twenties, and for that I am grateful.  In my youth I knew more than one Latina who simply forced me to deal with another person in the world rather than just be in my own head all the time, and I probably learned more from those experiences than any others that I've had with women.  So, again, I apologize.

Where I am at right now, I am reminded of what Harvey Pekar related about his retirement.  Harvey retired from his file clerk job at the VA hospital in Cleveland after around forty years.  Right after he retired, he fell into a deep depression.  He had to undergo shock treatments to bring him out of it.  His daily grind after so many years had come to an end, and how could he have expected to fall into a depression because of it?  

I had a major conflict go down that I've well documented since the beginning of this year.  You know, the Invisible Woman and all of that.  It seemed to be a nadir, a low point, for conflicts with women that started coming to a head in 2014.  Whether this conflict with the Invisible Woman actually had any basis in reality or not did not seem to diminish at all the intensity of what hit me at the beginning of the year.

Now it's over, I think.  The last thing I want to do is go around stirring up trouble with anyone else in my world.  So again, I apologize to all Latinas who might have taken offense.

On Monday I did a take on "Three Days In the Tickle" that I think is the keeper for the album.  I might edit out a pause here and there when all is said and done, but I'm okay with the one screwup in the lyrics.  That leaves ten more tracks to complete.  "Three Days In the Tickle" clocks in at eight minutes, so one take is a real good thing.  I had no real choice, because my editing prowess are limited by my lack of knowledge, for sure, and perhaps my software.

I took a few days off from the book.  I'll be happy if I spend 17 or 18 days on it this month, regardless of how much I get done. I should be able to start the pencil work on the first volume by sometime in August.

Now, Latina bullshit artists:  I'm doing good to just be able to make the call when this or that young Latina acts like she has some sort of problem with me, when in fact it's just Latina Bullshit Artist bullshit.  I interact with them in exactly the same sort of withdrawn, diffident manner that I interact with other young women, but they act like I'm doing something wrong.  Like I said, I'm doing good to know when they are loading it on with their mantis tractor loader (if that is what is called) and I can begin to scoop it out with my bare hands.

Just like in my youth, it's pretty much useless to think about love, girlfriends, or relationships with these types, because it just never, ever stops.  The fact that I can keep my head above water with these types, and that I sometimes have a little bit of clue about where they are coming from with this, god, such bullshit, is about the most that I can expect from myself.

It's becoming more and more clear to me how to relate the women in my world.  One the one hand, I could try my best to reach down deep inside myself and be super nice and try to treat it like some quest for enlightenment in doing so.  I unwittingly did that for years and years and have a bunch of psychotic episodes/ nervous breakdowns to show for it.  That song "The Rose" about how love is like a river and how those too afraid to die never live etc. etc.  I mean, that's all great and a lot of stories have been told with that as a setup.  But, do that however many times one does it and come up empty, or worse, have breakdowns, and one starts to think it might be time to change it up.

I mean, it's looking pretty cut and dried to me right now.  What if I just let any supposed opportunity with any of the STONE FOXES in my world just slip through my fingers?  I tried that just one time with Sara in my youth, and that one time: no nervous breakdown, no psychotic episode.  This last experience with the Invisible Woman really bore that out.  Regardless of whether that was a "real" thing going on or not, I could have had a lot of problems if I tried to be the most loving man I could be.  In that case, the world that broke my heart in my youth hasn't changed, but I have.  And, I don't think I've changed into a bad, unloving, or cold-hearted man as a result.

So, if I do just "turn my back on love" in reaction to any of the STONE FOXES  in my world, I guess that I shouldn't be surprised if I come up empty.  But, if these last several experiences with the women in my world, starting in 2012, carry over into whatever transpires with this or that STONE FOX in my world now; my mental, emotional, and overall health should turn out pretty robust, and I can continue to work on my art and music at the same productive pace that I've attained over these past several years.

I’m Gonna Write You Off
(On My Bad Woman Tax Return)
Verse: G, C, F, E  Chorus: A, D, G, C7
Bridge: A, G, D  /Strum: B∇∆ B∇

​Verse:
  G
On this journey of life
                     C                           G
You brought me nothing but pain
       G
I could see my whole life
          C                                G 
Going straight down the drain
            F
Well since you left to stay
                       E
There’s been one good take-away
         G
I kept the receipts for all
         C                        G 
That whiskey and cocaine.


Chorus:
            A
I’m gonna write you off
                                               D/D
On my bad woman tax return
          A
I’m gonna write you off
                                          D/D
As another lesson learned
         G
I’m gonna fill in subhead three
                        C7
Under column hell on me
           D
I’m gonna write you off
            A                                G/G
On my bad woman tax return.

Verse:
Well your love for me
Was like some old chewed up rat
Brought to my front door
By your gnarly mean-eyed cat
For all you in the know
Its heart ripped out for show
Oh baby could you 
Get me some more of that .

Chorus:
I’m gonna write you off
On my bad woman tax return
I’m gonna write you off
As another lesson learned
I’m gonna fill in subhead three
Under column hell on me
I’m gonna write you off
On my bad woman tax return.

Bridge:
    A
Well they’ll call me for an audit
                        G
And I’ll show them how you clawed it
          D
Down to the bone
    D
Left me alone
      G                      D
Oh professor you taught it.

Verse:
To me you were
 much more than style and grace
that night I slept so well
and you marked up on my face
for all the world to see
when I went to H-E-B
some bad things about 
people of another race.

Chorus:
I’m gonna write you off
On my bad woman tax return
I’m gonna write you off
As another lesson learned
I’m gonna fill in subhead three
Under column hell on me
I’m gonna write you off
On my bad woman tax return.

Richy Vegas  6/24/2017

My number one priority at this point in my deal with the Invisible Woman is to not go past the point of no return with her.  In the summer of 1988, I made that same priority paramount with Sara, and I cut her loose.  I had no idea that she had issues with her sexuality that must have run riot in her for a long time.  I sacrificed any notion of having any kind of relations with her because I no longer felt that I could vouch for my ability to control my darker impulses in regards to her.  I want to emphasize that this was not done in any nobel spirit of self-sacrifice, I was simply fed up with her.

I do not believe that I have gone past the point of no return with the Invisible Woman.  I have not engaged in any abusive name-calling.  I have not threatened, harassed, intimidated, or transgressively attempted to embarrass her.  I have posted a couple of songs that range in content from snarky to lacerating, but as far as trying to bring her embarrassment; the fact that I have never mentioned her name, and perhaps more importantly, couched so many statements about her in terms of, "this all might be in my head," means that I have afforded her a modicum of personal privacy in light of the fact that she is a famous person.

Regardless of whether she actually knows anything about all of the stuff I have alluded to and talked about, I could still go past the point of no return with her.  Regardless of how she actually feels about me, I could still go past the point of no return with her. Regardless of her relationship status, I could still go past he point of no return with her.  Regardless of whether I actually meet her in real life or not, ditto.

I have such anger and resentment when, in more typical circumstances, an attractive young woman engages in the kinds of behaviors and attitudes that I have accused this person of engaging in, that I wonder if I do enough to distinguish between the person, a creature created in God's image just like me, and the distasteful things they do.  In my own head after all, I certainly do engage in all kinds of ugly name-calling.  But, this morning I thought maybe I don't give myself enough credit.  A couple of posts ago,  I mentioned that I congratulated the last one on her engagement and marriage, even though she tried more than once to make me over into the bad guy that she imagined me to be.

Regardless of whether my notion of this person exists.  Regardless of her actual relationship status.  Regardless of whether I actually meet her one day or not; now and for the foreseeable future, both she and I's safety and well being are more important to me than love, girlfriends, or relationships.  It's just the kind of thing that mentally-ill-trash-like-me-who-is-less-of-a-man thinks about during these times.  As of May 21st, 2017,  you and yours entered my world, forever, babe.  How do you like it so far?  Insert appropriate expletive here. 

I've posted many times about this latest Unavailable Woman Deal that I somehow managed to find my way through.  This has to take the cake as far as utter weirdness, because, all together now, the unavailable woman was a famous person who may or may not exist in the form that I imagined them to exist in.

That said, let's profile the alleged perpetrator in question.  This kind of shit has been going on for me since the '80's, so I know a side, a very ugly side, of this kind of person, whether this particular manifestation of unavailable woman is a real thing or not.

So let's just say this right off: it's not enough for this type of person to be a very physically attractive person.  It's not enough that this person enjoy good health and all that good health brings.  Sometimes these types come from pretty privileged circumstances, but not necessarily so.  In this particular person's case, her career success doesn't seem to be enough for her, either.  She has the love of many friends, family, not to mention her fans, but that doesn't quite seem to do it for her.  It's not even enough that this person has a righteous boyfriend in tow at all times.  And, believe me, they've got the righteous boyfriend in tow more often than not when they come see about me.  All the things this person has doesn't seem to fill some emptiness inside of her, so this type of loveliness seems to have the need for someone they can take a big steaming shit on, and that's where I come in.  The world has not run out of these types of women for Richard Alexander by a long shot.  I guess God is giving me plenty, but plenty of chances to get it right.  So yes, there is a type of woman lining up outside my door with a line snaking around the block, and it is just this special type.

I've yet to bust up their righteous boyfriend deal in all of my now fifty-three years of life.  Well, that's not exactly true, I have had a hand in some of that, but not so that they'd ever then get with me in the aftermath.  And, why on Earth would I not jump at the chance to get with such a person after seeing this very special side of themselves that they seemed to save just for my benefit? Smelling a rat, a rat that wants to lay its own special brand of rat turd all over my existence, is enough for me to feel satisfied when I thwart them on their holy mission from God yet once again.

So no, I don't know if the New Invisible Woman was for real or not, and for that matter, I don't really care either.  I just went through an experience where she just as might as well have been a real thing, and she can consider her ass kicked, thank you very much.  I'll do a Righteous Boyfriend Reality Check in a few days, but today I'm taking the day off, and in the interval, I'll live what I consider to be a pretty meaningful life.  A life that any old turd that rolls down the turnpike has to compete with in terms of personal satisfaction and fulfillment, and this one so far has not even come close to usurping.  I am not looking to escape to anywhere, and  the only expectation I ever have from an unavailable woman who lands under my skin is for them to just pass through on their way to somewhere else.

The last one got a lot more consideration as far as what all songs I posted on this blog that were about her.  That's because I saw her on a regular basis and thought it really bad form to post songs that were mean.  I really only posted one song about her the entire time I had to deal with her.  That was, "Scoot On Over Buster."  The follow up, "Five Foot Nine of Love In Vain," wasn't so nice, and it didn't get posted.  That one, and others such as, "God, You're Sumpin' Awful," and, "Bad Woman Bait."

This time the unavailable woman was, of all the insane things for an unavailable woman to be, an A-list celebrity. Let me tell you, I've had some strange experiences in my life, but this one rates right up there with the strangest.  Does this person even know about  me?  Was someone I had a run-in with years and years ago the actual instigator of this Unavailable Woman Deal?  Who all knew about this?  Was this all in my head?  Right now it's as if the whole deal is like an untreated, naked corpse that has been buried deep in the earth with no casket or other preparation, and it's just being consumed by the bugs and the grubs and the microbes and returning to its mother.

The last one got my congratulations at the announcement of her engagement and marriage after she accepted my friend request on Facebook.  That was the only comments I ever sent her way via that platform- no personal messages at all.  She unfriended me last November or December, but for some reason I don't mind that at all.  I haven't seen her since, but I'm still conscientious of trying to make an effort to take a bit of a high road with her.

I don't see why this celebrity person should get any less consideration.  So this last song that I just wrote that had some pretty bitter words will stay off this blog and just be for anyone I need to play in front of, if even then.  If this celebrity person announces her engagement to the world at large in the coming days, weeks, or months, I guess that I will extend the same courtesy of congratulating her.  It might not mean a thing to her, but like a lot of that kind of stuff, it would mean something to me.

Oh, here's the first lines, "You don't give a damn about your bad reputation/ Well I don't give a goddam either."