I remember especially well the time I had my gran mal breakdown in 1992, went to the psychiatric hospital, got on medication, and got out after ten days. I felt better than I had in a long time, but I really wanted to try to get a girlfriend to help me get over the experience I'd just had. As the weeks went by on the outside, I tried to connect with people using themes and narratives I'd experienced while I suffered in the days and weeks before my hospitalization. People didn't seem to relate to what I talked about in the way I thought they would. I could feel my views on things begin to erode away from me. In September sometime I called my friend Sam at 1 a.m. on Saturday night/ Sunday morning and I had a question for him. I asked him if I'd been hired by my former martial arts teacher to kill Billy Billiams. Sam categorically denied any knowledge of my inquiry, said I was delusional, and we hung up. About an hour later, at 2 a.m., the phone rings and it's my mother. She is beside herself about the plot to kill Billy.
That night marked the beginning of a severe depression that matched in intensity my psychosis of the previous Summer. I finally quit my factory job in December and went out to my Dad's in Big Spring, and a few days after my arrival, I checked into the hospital out there. I remember that time leading up to the second hospitalization as one where I really wanted to connect romantically with a woman. I really, really wanted to rebound, but that proved unrealistic.
I just spent over two years dealing with an ongoing, markedly adversarial situation with that young woman who, I guess, might not work at that business anymore, and the last thing I want to do is meet someone or go out on dates. I especially have no desire to try and take any steps to bring about a dating situation for myself. My tit went through the wringer big time over the last couple of years, and I'm just tired. I think I did a really good job with this one, and I feel no need to rebound as of today. I've talked about what my goals are for dating; a variety of dating experiences with a variety of women. I've also talked about my three primary standards for a woman to go on at least one date with me; 1) available, 2) interested, and 3) acts like she gives a shit about taking care of herself. All of that remains for another day.