I will try to briefly recap four experiences that I had that I find relevant today. The first involves Sara in 1988. I suspected right from the start that her initial flirtations towards me in Latin American Art History class came from an adversarial place. Looking back, I've hypothesized that she attempted to right the wrongs I did towards Wanda- someone she'd never even met, something she just may have only heard about through a third party- by making a conquest of me and doing a takedown of me. My demonstrated willingness to accept an outcome where Sara and I didn't get together, which walked hand in hand with my newfound ability to look out for her interests as well as mine, earned her trust to the point where I became the person deciding to call the whole thing off during the Summer of 1988.
By the Spring of 1990, I'd concluded that I'd made a big mistake in letting Sara go, and I tried to make up for it in my pursuit of Gwen at SVA in New York City. On the one hand, I used to techniques of non-pursuit that I'd learned from my experiences with Sara, but on the other hand, I very much tried to work things out through my pursuit of Gwen. This took a long time to resolve as a result. I think I came across as the crazy, obsessive bad guy to a lot of the people at SVA as a result of my fixation on Gwen. Right after Thanksgiving of 1990, I managed to communicate honorable intentions towards Gwen when I ran into her in the wood shop on a Friday night.
The next week at the school saw my gesture towards Gwen spread through the school, but my anger at so many at the school came on display during the subsequent psychotic episode that accompanied the necessity for me to let go of Gwen. In the Spring of 1991, Gwen displayed an interest in me during a school field trip to a play one night at Lincoln center. She didn't come up and talk to me during the trip from the school to the theater, or in the lobby before the show, but she gave off a vibe with her friend that she would welcome any social overture from me. I'd moved onto another fixation by then, because when one feels compelled to let go of someone such as Gwen because Gwen wishes it so, Gwen can stay let go of.
When I returned to Austin after graduating from SVA. I met Jenna through my roommate Davey. The situation with Jenna turned adversarial after our initial passes at each other didn't take. The stories about me and my past, especially the incident regarding Wanda, may have contributed to an effort put forth by one of her boyfriend's group of martial arts buddies to set up a beatdown of me. I caught that vibe after I left a party at the house where these guys lived. At Patrick's party a few weeks later, I, ahem. let it be known that I was onto all of that, Jenna soon broke up with that guy, and let me know she had an interest in me again.
Jenna seemed to have a great desire to rush towards intimacy in the encounters I had with her, and this desire manifested itself in her behavior towards me through an attempt by her to get me to jump through hoops. By this time, I just didn't do that kind of thing, ever. The thing with Jenna was, there was always some other guy in the wings she would soon hook up with after I rebuffed her in these encounters where she wanted me to jump through said hoops. My desire to make things right in my pursuits of such women post-Sara, coupled with Jenna's tendency to be this way, helped me along in my descent into madness during the Summer of 1992.
In the run up to Halloween, 1996, I tried to talk to Snolly at a party. she stood with a female coworker as I approached. Just as I walked up, Snolly walked off. True, we'd had a little bit of history when I worked at the restaurant where she and this coworker still waited tables, but I still felt slighted. That night, at a gathering at an old campus area house rented by several male employees of that restaurant, I confronted James about an accusation he'd make to me during a blackout I'd had at James' and Zac's house. I said that James had insulted my honor when he drunkenly accused me of raping a girl I'd met one night at the Cannibal Club in August of 1989. I go into THAT story at length in my current series of comic books, so I won't bother here. But I will say that a willingness to do a FOURTEEN ISSUE telling of my side of the Cannibal Club story, each issue painstakingly written and then illustrated by me and me alone, at exactly eighty pages per issue, would likely indicate that I didn't rape that girl I met at the Cannibal Club on that night in 1989.
Well , by the time I had a chance to finally talk to Snolly at a Halloween party the following year, 1997, I had the feeling that I'd thwarted another attempt to take me down instigated by this manager named Lane and Snolly her own bad self. I give Snolly credit for just giving me an opportunity to talk to her a little, one on one, at that party. The brief, small-talk oriented conversation may have had no real breathing room due to the eight hundred pound gorilla of her and Lane''s making that invisibly sat in the corner of the little snack room we both found ourselves alone in. I walked to the Fiesta Mart to get cigarettes soon after, and when I returned, Snolly had left. I'm sure my head was in a place of just playing it cool as I talked to her, and when I left to get cigarettes, I probably just figured that I'd catch her down the road soon enough. I think Snolly moved out of town at some point after that, because I never saw her again.
My point is this: I'M the one with these experiences of people coming at me in a very adversarial manner. I'M the one with a viable frame of reference to draw on if such a situation rears its head again. I'm pretty confident that I speak the truth on this matter. People would do well to defer to me as to what constitutes an acceptable outcome of such a situation, should I find myself in such a situation again. If I want to come off like a bitchy little baby about the whole thing, that might turn out for the best. I find myself in a situation now where I would gladly accept the outcome of the Snolly story way way over the outcomes involving Jenna or Gwen. The only other outcome like the Snolly outcome of those I mentioned is the one involving Sara. Those two outcomes are the ones I will play to in the situation I find myself in now.
The thing that helped my morale last night as I lay in bed thinking about stuff follows thusly. I had a friend who regularly attracted needy women who would routinely feel as is they owned him after a little sex and maybe two weeks of dating, if that. The thing is, he just accepted this bullshit as the normal course of things with such women, and these women accepted their insane jealously over this louse as the normal set of behaviors they would engage in. I think people can just take on familiar roles that they don't reexamine at all if the same situations keep coming up again as they go through the dating world. They get so caught up in the bummer aspect of the same deal with the same kind of person that keeps coming up over and over and over again that they just don't give themselves time to stop and think about what they do to contribute to the dysfunction of the whole deal.
As far as I can tell, I'm the only person between myself and someone such as this young woman that I can go on and on about at length that can actually change things up as far as how I think about this kind of situation, and what I do about this kind of situation, and as far as I can tell, I have dramatically changed up my end of things since those days when I was more her age than mine. So, a little sadness and melancholy at first, sure, but enough of that already. I did good on this one, and I can do good if things go on any further than they have.
By the Spring of 1990, I'd concluded that I'd made a big mistake in letting Sara go, and I tried to make up for it in my pursuit of Gwen at SVA in New York City. On the one hand, I used to techniques of non-pursuit that I'd learned from my experiences with Sara, but on the other hand, I very much tried to work things out through my pursuit of Gwen. This took a long time to resolve as a result. I think I came across as the crazy, obsessive bad guy to a lot of the people at SVA as a result of my fixation on Gwen. Right after Thanksgiving of 1990, I managed to communicate honorable intentions towards Gwen when I ran into her in the wood shop on a Friday night.
The next week at the school saw my gesture towards Gwen spread through the school, but my anger at so many at the school came on display during the subsequent psychotic episode that accompanied the necessity for me to let go of Gwen. In the Spring of 1991, Gwen displayed an interest in me during a school field trip to a play one night at Lincoln center. She didn't come up and talk to me during the trip from the school to the theater, or in the lobby before the show, but she gave off a vibe with her friend that she would welcome any social overture from me. I'd moved onto another fixation by then, because when one feels compelled to let go of someone such as Gwen because Gwen wishes it so, Gwen can stay let go of.
When I returned to Austin after graduating from SVA. I met Jenna through my roommate Davey. The situation with Jenna turned adversarial after our initial passes at each other didn't take. The stories about me and my past, especially the incident regarding Wanda, may have contributed to an effort put forth by one of her boyfriend's group of martial arts buddies to set up a beatdown of me. I caught that vibe after I left a party at the house where these guys lived. At Patrick's party a few weeks later, I, ahem. let it be known that I was onto all of that, Jenna soon broke up with that guy, and let me know she had an interest in me again.
Jenna seemed to have a great desire to rush towards intimacy in the encounters I had with her, and this desire manifested itself in her behavior towards me through an attempt by her to get me to jump through hoops. By this time, I just didn't do that kind of thing, ever. The thing with Jenna was, there was always some other guy in the wings she would soon hook up with after I rebuffed her in these encounters where she wanted me to jump through said hoops. My desire to make things right in my pursuits of such women post-Sara, coupled with Jenna's tendency to be this way, helped me along in my descent into madness during the Summer of 1992.
In the run up to Halloween, 1996, I tried to talk to Snolly at a party. she stood with a female coworker as I approached. Just as I walked up, Snolly walked off. True, we'd had a little bit of history when I worked at the restaurant where she and this coworker still waited tables, but I still felt slighted. That night, at a gathering at an old campus area house rented by several male employees of that restaurant, I confronted James about an accusation he'd make to me during a blackout I'd had at James' and Zac's house. I said that James had insulted my honor when he drunkenly accused me of raping a girl I'd met one night at the Cannibal Club in August of 1989. I go into THAT story at length in my current series of comic books, so I won't bother here. But I will say that a willingness to do a FOURTEEN ISSUE telling of my side of the Cannibal Club story, each issue painstakingly written and then illustrated by me and me alone, at exactly eighty pages per issue, would likely indicate that I didn't rape that girl I met at the Cannibal Club on that night in 1989.
Well , by the time I had a chance to finally talk to Snolly at a Halloween party the following year, 1997, I had the feeling that I'd thwarted another attempt to take me down instigated by this manager named Lane and Snolly her own bad self. I give Snolly credit for just giving me an opportunity to talk to her a little, one on one, at that party. The brief, small-talk oriented conversation may have had no real breathing room due to the eight hundred pound gorilla of her and Lane''s making that invisibly sat in the corner of the little snack room we both found ourselves alone in. I walked to the Fiesta Mart to get cigarettes soon after, and when I returned, Snolly had left. I'm sure my head was in a place of just playing it cool as I talked to her, and when I left to get cigarettes, I probably just figured that I'd catch her down the road soon enough. I think Snolly moved out of town at some point after that, because I never saw her again.
My point is this: I'M the one with these experiences of people coming at me in a very adversarial manner. I'M the one with a viable frame of reference to draw on if such a situation rears its head again. I'm pretty confident that I speak the truth on this matter. People would do well to defer to me as to what constitutes an acceptable outcome of such a situation, should I find myself in such a situation again. If I want to come off like a bitchy little baby about the whole thing, that might turn out for the best. I find myself in a situation now where I would gladly accept the outcome of the Snolly story way way over the outcomes involving Jenna or Gwen. The only other outcome like the Snolly outcome of those I mentioned is the one involving Sara. Those two outcomes are the ones I will play to in the situation I find myself in now.
The thing that helped my morale last night as I lay in bed thinking about stuff follows thusly. I had a friend who regularly attracted needy women who would routinely feel as is they owned him after a little sex and maybe two weeks of dating, if that. The thing is, he just accepted this bullshit as the normal course of things with such women, and these women accepted their insane jealously over this louse as the normal set of behaviors they would engage in. I think people can just take on familiar roles that they don't reexamine at all if the same situations keep coming up again as they go through the dating world. They get so caught up in the bummer aspect of the same deal with the same kind of person that keeps coming up over and over and over again that they just don't give themselves time to stop and think about what they do to contribute to the dysfunction of the whole deal.
As far as I can tell, I'm the only person between myself and someone such as this young woman that I can go on and on about at length that can actually change things up as far as how I think about this kind of situation, and what I do about this kind of situation, and as far as I can tell, I have dramatically changed up my end of things since those days when I was more her age than mine. So, a little sadness and melancholy at first, sure, but enough of that already. I did good on this one, and I can do good if things go on any further than they have.
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