A really good technique that a lot of self help books advise for readers involves the reader to pretend to give advice to a friend who found themselves in a similar situation or dilemma the reader finds themselves in. The idea behind such a tactic being that we can often help somebody we care about a lot better than we can help ourselves.
In my last post I talked about a former friend who regularly attracted these jealous, possessive women who acted as if they owned him shortly after dating him and giving him some sex. I would advise such a girlfriend who regularly found herself consumed with rage over this guy's lack of willingness to commit to their plans for him that they need not date such a guy seriously. They need not have an eye towards a long term committed relationship with this kind of person, but rather cut this kind of person loose after, like, a month of dating him (a month, my personal record for dating fuck anyone in my own personal history).
I would definitely advise a hypothetical girlfriend of, let's call him Bill, that they could stand to date around a bit with different types of guys who cut a different psychological profile than Bill. The first place for, let's call her Heather, to look for someone markedly different than Bill would be the scrap heap of guys she normally would have nothing to do with. I'm not talking about accepting guys that she would normally have nothing to do with on a romantic or sexual level necessarily, but rather just go out with someone she wouldn't normally consider for dinner or coffee or whatever.
In my own experiences, I've found it necessary to actually accept someone I wouldn't have given the time of day to in my twenties on the level of at least going out with them once or twice, even if nothing else happens. That way I can make important, useful comparisons between such a person and the type of person I can get so hung up on. Heather, for example, could go out with, say, Paul, and in hindsight make comparisons along the lines of "Paul returns my calls, generally acts respectful, is nice etc. while Bill has the natural charisma and looks I crave, but can be a bit of a scoundrel... Gee, if I could just commit to dating around for a while and see if I can meet someone or someones with a combination of these two guys different qualities in some measure..." like that.
I've been with some pretty attractive women. Yeah, for a total of eleven times with all women, but nonetheless, some pretty attractive ones in that mix. I can include one really good looking girl who aspired to femme fatale status, and in the tryin' could come of as a total asshole a good deal of the time. I gave my "plans" for her a good rethinking in the Fall of 2012 when I remembered that she stated to me, during the Summer of 2011, a desire for me to paint her likeness into a painting I did years before that depicted a lot of women I had major problems with in the eighties and nineties. I realized that I needed to take this statement of hers seriously, and no, she didn't make the cut.
I'm willing to bet that, should I find myself in a situation where one of these femme fatale types remained in play after like, two-plus years since they threw down the gauntlet -I'm speaking hypothetically of course- any talk by me of relationships and working things out on that level would just run them off for good. The first woman I ever dated in 1985 had a history of bad boyfriends and overall neediness. She didn't have a clue as to how to enjoy sex, either. She had begun making changes in these areas when she included me in these changes. I dated her for a month. Her idea, not mine. Fast forward a few years later, and her girlfriends and just about everyone else couldn't stop talking about her insatiable appetite for fresh men and dick, dick, dick everywhere, all the while never having a serious boyfriend in that mix. Good for her. I heard she finally got herself a real boyfriend after she moved to the New York City area at about the same time I did in 1989.
In my last post I talked about a former friend who regularly attracted these jealous, possessive women who acted as if they owned him shortly after dating him and giving him some sex. I would advise such a girlfriend who regularly found herself consumed with rage over this guy's lack of willingness to commit to their plans for him that they need not date such a guy seriously. They need not have an eye towards a long term committed relationship with this kind of person, but rather cut this kind of person loose after, like, a month of dating him (a month, my personal record for dating fuck anyone in my own personal history).
I would definitely advise a hypothetical girlfriend of, let's call him Bill, that they could stand to date around a bit with different types of guys who cut a different psychological profile than Bill. The first place for, let's call her Heather, to look for someone markedly different than Bill would be the scrap heap of guys she normally would have nothing to do with. I'm not talking about accepting guys that she would normally have nothing to do with on a romantic or sexual level necessarily, but rather just go out with someone she wouldn't normally consider for dinner or coffee or whatever.
In my own experiences, I've found it necessary to actually accept someone I wouldn't have given the time of day to in my twenties on the level of at least going out with them once or twice, even if nothing else happens. That way I can make important, useful comparisons between such a person and the type of person I can get so hung up on. Heather, for example, could go out with, say, Paul, and in hindsight make comparisons along the lines of "Paul returns my calls, generally acts respectful, is nice etc. while Bill has the natural charisma and looks I crave, but can be a bit of a scoundrel... Gee, if I could just commit to dating around for a while and see if I can meet someone or someones with a combination of these two guys different qualities in some measure..." like that.
I've been with some pretty attractive women. Yeah, for a total of eleven times with all women, but nonetheless, some pretty attractive ones in that mix. I can include one really good looking girl who aspired to femme fatale status, and in the tryin' could come of as a total asshole a good deal of the time. I gave my "plans" for her a good rethinking in the Fall of 2012 when I remembered that she stated to me, during the Summer of 2011, a desire for me to paint her likeness into a painting I did years before that depicted a lot of women I had major problems with in the eighties and nineties. I realized that I needed to take this statement of hers seriously, and no, she didn't make the cut.
I'm willing to bet that, should I find myself in a situation where one of these femme fatale types remained in play after like, two-plus years since they threw down the gauntlet -I'm speaking hypothetically of course- any talk by me of relationships and working things out on that level would just run them off for good. The first woman I ever dated in 1985 had a history of bad boyfriends and overall neediness. She didn't have a clue as to how to enjoy sex, either. She had begun making changes in these areas when she included me in these changes. I dated her for a month. Her idea, not mine. Fast forward a few years later, and her girlfriends and just about everyone else couldn't stop talking about her insatiable appetite for fresh men and dick, dick, dick everywhere, all the while never having a serious boyfriend in that mix. Good for her. I heard she finally got herself a real boyfriend after she moved to the New York City area at about the same time I did in 1989.
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