I don't want to talk about that former cashier anymore. In my last post I said I wanted to turn the page on her. If this loses readers of this blog, so be it.
I set a goal of completing ten pages of my latest comic book before the end of January. However, I feel I've made my point about productivity, and I will settle for less than that. I hope to have three book completed this year. I'm on track to have this one finished by the end of March.
I don't want to talk about that former cashier anymore. In my last post I said I wanted to turn the page on her. If this loses readers of this blog, so be it.
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I joined a support group for my love addiction in early 2022. In the literature for this group, the author and founder came up with the concept of the seductive withholder. A seductive withholder is everything the label implies. In my case, girls and women would represent themselves as more available than they actually were, and they would wind up failing to deliver on the attention and affection they seemed to promise so much of initially. I had big problems with this type in high school, on into college, and into the year 2022, apparently.
I will talk about someone in this paragraph that perhaps knows the last seductive withholder I had such a big problem with that I joined a support group in January 2022 while in the process of letting go of said seductive withholder. I will not say this person's name, or give much of any other identifying info on her. Therefore, any allegation that this post marks an attempt to embarrass this woman-who may or may not know my last seductive withholder-any allegation from ANYONE who tries to say I'm attempting to embarrass this possible friend of said seductive withholder, well, such an allegation is bullshit. When I mentally test whether or not a post guards a private person's privacy sufficiently, I run my approach through the "cousin test." For example, If this young woman had a cousin in, say, Amarillo she was kind of close to, but not that close to, would this cousin, just randomly stumbling upon this post while surfing the web, would this cousin recognize who I am talking about just from the contents of this post? In my opinion, a hypothetical cousin of this young woman could not make such a connection just from reading this post. So there. That said, this young woman seems to offer a weird kind of window into the soul of said seductive withholder. By that, I mean the expressions on this young woman's face and her overall demeanor compels me to think that I can see where I stand with said seductive withholder after one of these posts. Such an interpretation of this young woman's facial expressions might just constitute my seemingly bottomless capacity to project my own inner life onto those in my world. I'm aware of that. Okay? So, what did I last see from this young woman that makes me want to write this post? The last expression I saw seemed to convey an angered determination to WITHHOLD any concessions from said seductive WITHHOLDER concerning my last post about ingratitude. Notice the use of the word WITHHOLD in that last sentence. Look! There's that word again: WITHHOLD. Yep, a classic seductive withholder move if I ever saw one. Yep, the very reason I let go of said seductive withholder in January of 2022 and never, ever looked back. Time to turn the page on her, I say. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, alleged-friend-of-said-seductive-withholder. I've been thinking about all of the stuff I've had to endure these past however many years. Stuff that has to do with my theory that I had, and probably still have, an internet presence that I did not and still do not consent to. So yeah, that sucked. These past couple of weeks I've had some attention paid to me from some women as I've moved about my world. I wonder if the women I've encountered in these ways were trying to make it up to me.
In the 18th century English novel, Tom Jones, Henry Fielding concludes the story by saying that ingratitude is the worst sin one can commit in this life. Fielding puts that on the antagonist of the book. That kind of stuck with me over the years. We all sin against each other, so anytime an individual or group of people tries to make up for their sins somehow, only to be rebuffed by the aggrieved party, yeah, maybe ingratitude is the worst sin one can commit in this life. I mean, murder is definitely up there, but maybe he has a point. Maybe Fielding was just talking about the everyday sins most of us are likely to, at some point, commit towards one another in this life. If I lived in a perfect world. A world where I could just snap my fingers and I could have a date with any twenty-two year old hottie of my choosing, I would certainly do just that anytime I wanted. Does that mean I want to put myself out there socially to get dates with twenty-two year old hotties in the world we all live in at this time? No, I don't want to do that at this time. I think, as of right now, the decision to refrain from putting myself out there to get with twenty-two year old hotties seems like an intelligent decision to me at this time. Maybe one day, putting myself out there to get with twenty-two year old hotties will seem like a very intelligent decision on my part, but right now, nope.
I written several times about my "standards" for who can get a date with me. I've said, several times, that if a woman is available, interested, and acts like she gives a shit about taking care of herself, that can get her at least one date with me. She DOESN'T have to be a twenty-two year old hottie to get at least one date with me. Okay? But here's the thing, here's the flip side of those standards I have. As long as I make what I deem to be intelligent decisions about the twenty-two year old hotties in my world, I allow myself to make whatever decisions I want to make about any other type of woman in my world. If I don't feel like pushing the envelope in that direction, today, tomorrow, the day after that, or the day after the day after, I don't have to,. Even if those around me think my unwillingness to put myself out there socially to go on dates with these other types of women doesn't constitute intelligent decision making. Even if I myself question my reluctance to put myself out there socially for these other types of women at this time. I allow myself to make decisions about such women I or those around me might deem unwise now or at some later date. Furthermore, I allow myself to reject whomever I feel like rejecting in the world of dating. I've written about this major problem I have with the attitude I detect among those around me that seems to imply that I, as an older man with a major mental illness, that I somehow don't have the same right to reject anyone I want to reject that your typical twenty-two year old hottie has. For some reason, lots and lots of people around me often don't seem to think I'm capable of acting in my own best interests in rejecting whomever I want to reject, for whatever reason, at any given time. If a twenty-two year old hottie decided to reject a guy because he "creeped her out," or because he "made her uncomfortable," virtually NO ONE would likely question such a decision. The only people likely to question such a decision from a twenty-two year old hottie would be a close friend or relative of the guy who creeped her out. Other people around such a twenty-two year old hottie would just as likely say something like, "Yeah, your may be right about him. You know what? I have this cousin you might want to meet. I bet you'd really like him." It's not that I don't want to go on dates, or have sex, or have a girlfriend these days. I simply don't feel like putting myself out there to try to get any of those things right now. Maybe I will feel like it soon enough, maybe I won't, but it's my decision to make and no one else's. I may have hit a nerve when I blogged last week about feeling "creeped out" by certain now-contrite women who may want to talk to me and get to know me some. I don't know if my guess rings true, but I will hold off on going too much further into that particular territory. What I will touch upon, however, has everything to do with "going there" in what I have to say about all that may or may not have transpired in these past several weeks or so.
When I saw a therapist in 1986, I remember now expressing a desire to somehow learn how to separate myself mentally and emotionally from those around me, especially women I found attractive and wanted to know better. The course of the therapy did not go in that direction at all. Remember, my mental illness remained undiagnosed at the time I saw this therapist, so I don't know how fair any condemnation of his competency would prove. I now realize this lack of ability to separate myself mentally and emotionally from those around me stood as a core component of my mental health problems back then. The therapist didn't have that diagnosis to work with, and perhaps to blame him would prove pointless. I didn't start to have the ability to separate myself mentally and emotionally from women I desired, or in this case, a woman I desired, until I had to deal with Sara in the spring of 1988. At that time I gave a close reading to Dr, David Burns' Feeling Good, and decided to try to experiment with "turning my back on love." My willingness to let my supposed opportunities to get with Sara slip through my fingers allowed me to also separate myself from her mentally and emotionally. For the first time in my dating world life, I could tell where I left off and the object of my desire began. I could see, in the midst of a dustup with her, that everything was not my fault for the first time in my dating life. I found this revelation very important back then, and I find it very important to this day. That's why I count my experiences with Sara as a well I still draw water from to this day. The business of losing my virginity in 1985 now strikes me as a random, hit or miss affair, not unlike my numbers finally coming up in some lottery. That's why I count most of the experiences surrounding that event in my life as more a product of their time. For now, I'll try to hold off on going into why I think it is okay for me to feel "creeped out" by individual women or groups of women. I have my guesses as to why some women, and maybe some men, may find such a stance off-putting, but I will hold off on talking about that. I want to observe more the goings on in my world before I raise and lower the gavel on that issue. I went to see some friends play in their band yesterday. It marked the first time I went out after I feel as if I'd beaten this whole, okay, conspiracy, against me. The conspiracy centered around a belief that I had and still have an internet presence that I did not consent to, and that many, many women had access to this internet presence and hated on me over stuff that went on in my distant past.
A few weeks ago I felt as if I'd beaten this, okay, monster, by sending one of my friends-a friend who played in that band yesterday- I got the feeling that I'd beaten the rap by sending him a copy of issue number nine of my Richy Vegas comic. Issue nine told my version of the events of the time so many of these women seemed focused on, as I believed, and put the incident they seemed so invested in hating me over into a larger context of all the shit that went on with me at that time. I felt as if I came off as very sympathetic to my friend's wife, who I believed played some part in this conspiracy against me. I came to believe she read the book and did a complete one-eighty on what she thought of me and that whole time I talk about in issue nine, and that she proceeded to advocate on my behalf to all of these other women who hated on me. So, yeah, I felt I was like Carl Kolchak, the Night Stalker, and that I'd managed to kill this giant monster. I wore my Night Stalker t-shirt to the show yesterday and talked to my friend in the band about how I like that show, but I did not bring up the subject of the book I sent him, issue number nine, and neither did he. I didn't want to broach the subject, perhaps because I felt it so tender and new a thing that just happened. The new, tender thing centering around how I'd beaten the rap. Long story short, I feel as if several women at the show yesterday were privy to this internet presence. My friend's wife didn't show up, and I figured she might feel bad about the role she played in the conspiracy before she did her one-eighty. Anyway, I felt creeped out by these women, and I'm trying to sort out this creeped out feeling. They may want to make amends, but I may just not want to deal with them at this moment. I've just decided to follow my buddha and see what happens if I let this supposed opportunity to get with these now-contrite women slip through my fingers. I'll try to elaborate on all of this later, but I need to get ready to go to work now. I've decided to just chronicle my side of the story in my comic books. I see that course of action as much more constructive than retaliating against those I perceive as my enemies. I can point to two issues of my Richy Vegas comic book, specifically issues 4 and 9, and cite my side of the stories I tell and say telling those stories likely helped me.
I have three main objections to hurtful retaliation as a means of achieving some measure of satisfaction for the wrongs I may feel I endure in interpersonal conflicts with those in my world. 1) retaliation doesn't seem to deliver the satisfying payoff I hope it does, 2) retaliation seems to cause more problems than it solves, and 3) people don't ever seem to think they actually deserve such retaliation. On the other hand. Telling my side of the story in my comic books seems to show those aware of the situation that I have a side of the story worth telling and a perspective worth advocating. The people I find myself in conflicts with seem to rather easily convince themselves and many of those around them that their side of the conflict is the only side worth considering. I think this has something to do with the stigma my mental illness presents to many people. Many people seem to think a mentally ill person doesn't have a side worth fighting for and defending. My comics actually seem to open some peoples' eyes to other possibilities centered around that supposed bottom line. This means I may continue self-publishing my Richy Vegas comic book for a number of years. For a while I wanted to phase that book out after issues number 31 or 32. If I do go ahead and publish up to issue number 32, I will see how it goes after that. I anticipate a queue for the production of what will amount to three different titles in the Richy Vegas Comics Group: Richy Vegas Comics, Tales from the Richy Vegas Psychoverse, and The Richy Vegas Songbook. I figure I will do very well if I come out with three books a year at my current rate of production. How the books line up in the queue will shake out over time. I used to try to make women in my world over into love interests in order to give me someone to think about as I went through my work shifts and other challenging times. Two posts ago I wrote about how I would take stock on December 8th, 2024 over the issue of whether my relationship with women has actually improved by then. I think I will focus my energy over this next year on refraining from retaliating against anyone I might otherwise retaliate against if I refused to listen to my better angels. That will give me something to think about during my challenging work shifts and whatnot. The way I see it, such an effort requires an ongoing commitment. Not unlike the commitment I had to make in order to quit smoking cigarettes over twenty years ago. To bring about that change I had to stick with it for a long period of time. I couldn't just make a one time decision to quit smoking and that settled that.
I've retaliated against individual women and others in the past at similar junctures to this one. Think of it: people finally see me as something resembling an actual human being, much like them, and it's been at these times, sometimes, when I just went, "Wammo!," and hit them with some retaliatory gesture. Talk about shooting myself in the foot! That's why I find it necessary to stay committed to my path of non-retaliation over a long period of time. If there's one thing that could most improve my relationship with women over this next year, over anything else I can do, this could very well be it. A couple of posts ago I vowed to refrain from retaliating against those I've considered myself pitted against these past however many years in a conflict I definitely did not choose, initiate, or really wish to engage in. Did my last post declaring that I'd managed to kick Schmaylor Schmift to the curb constitute retaliation? Remember, a couple of posts ago I also vowed to really try to refrain from "micro-retaliations" in addition to making an effort to refrain from really anger-fueled, vindictive behavior. I defined micro-retaliations as snarky little things I might say or dirty looks I might give to those I thought might have had something to do with what I've been up against for so long.
Well, declaring that I've kicked Schmaylor to the curb does sound pretty snarky, but here's where such a statement might actually constitute something other than base retaliation. Okay, I don't think sending my male friend issue number nine of my Richy Vegas memoir comic, a book that told my side of a story so many of these people seemed so invested in one part of, I don't think the act of sending my male friend that book constituted retaliation. Nope, not by any stretch of the imagination. Remember, a couple of posts ago, I hypothesized that my male friend's wife got hold of that book, read it, and felt compelled to do a complete one-eighty on how she felt about the version of that crude sexual proposition story she may have heard about me from someone in her world. The crude sexual proposition story I openly talk about in issue number nine. The crude sexual proposition story that I place into the greater context of what all I went through at that that time. I hypothesized that my friend's wife, whom I also count as a friend, became an advocate for my position and interests after reading that issue of the Richy Vegas comic book. Does any of that, speculative though I may sound right now, sound like base retaliation to the readers out there? I think sending that issue of my comic book to my male friend may have set in motion the kicking to the curb of one Schmaylor Schmift. Does happily crowing about the possible outcome of said kicking to the curb of one Schmalyor Schmift amount to a micro-retaliation? Well, if one really has a stick up one's ass, maybe, but I personally would disagree with such an opinion. I see it as more akin to spreading my peacock feathers over possibly winning a game of Schmaylor's own devising, a game Schmaylor played using her own set of rules, and a game Schmaylor played where she got to define what exactly signified victory for her and hers over me. The reason I feel ready to crow and strut at this time has to do with my experiences of this same game women played with me in the past; a game they got to make up the rules to; and a game where they got to define what it was that made them such a winner at it. They all think they're so special and unique as individuals when they start up on these games with me, but to me it all registers as the same shit I've been dealing with since the mid-eighties, and I handled the situation accordingly. Okay, I'll come out and say it. I think Schmaylor lost this game, and she deserved to lose at this game. I don't think any god of any right-living, right-thinking person's imagining would be on the side of someone coming from the place she came from. I don't think her and hers aggression against me had anything to do with a higher moral code they tried to adhere to. I think the reason for their aggression had to more to do with their overall perception of me as vulnerable to such aggression, and that their aggression had to do with their overall perception that they could get away with it. I think she saw me as a helpless, mentally ill guy who couldn't defend himself, and they saw such a seemingly tangible chance at a rather easy victory, they couldn't help themselves. I don't consider any actions I've taken up to the point in regards to this situation as retaliation. Furthermore, as far as I'm concerned, it's over. I have no desire to hurt anyone over what they've may have been up to with me. If anyone from law enforcement or the media ever wants me to tell them what I think was going on all these years, yeah, I might talk to someone like that, maybe, but I'm not looking to reach out to anyone in those worlds. My work is done, as far as I'm concerned. Since I managed to kick old Schmaylor Schmift and her cohorts to the curb a few weeks back, I've wondered what to do next. I'm terrible at picking up women. When it comes to kicking the Schmaylor Schmifts of the world to the curb, I'm aces. But actually picking up women, not so much.
So I've decided to make a bet with myself. I'm loathe to make bets with myself regarding my relationship with women, because if I don't out and out lose the bet, I often walk away with nebulous, ambiguous results that I really can't hang my hat on. But maybe things have really improved with the very act of kicking Schmaylor Schmift and her confederates to the curb that I can just kick back and take a hands-off approach to the issue of whether I can actually pick up actual women for actual dates and whatnot. I'm giving myself until December 8th, 2024, to show a substantial improvement in my relationship with women. I hope that giving myself a full year will teach me to have some patience regarding this matter. After all, it took seven years for me to kick Schmaylor Schmift to the curb once and for all, so maybe a little tiny smidge of patience is in order on this front, still. I might even accept improvement that may seem vague, nebulous, and ambiguous to someone else. Such as someone who may have a lot more success in their relationship with women than I. Maybe a willingness to accept such vaguely defined improvements will teach me to look on the bright side of these matters. I mean, it's conceivable that I could accept the next year as substantially improved even if I don't land even ONE date with ONE woman in the next year. I've gone many, many years, in a row oftentimes, without even ONE date with ONE woman. When I quit drinking and drugs in 2009, a move I made to improve my relationship with women, they sure didn't line up around to block to go out with me then, but I accepted an overall improvement in my mood and outlook regarding life in general as a substantial improvement. No way I was going to give up on my commitment to sobriety just because I wasn't getting laid every weekend within the first two or three months of executing that commitment. Wish me luck. Oh yeah, the bet consists of me buying myself a little present like a CD or a vinyl record if I stay focused on trying the hand-offs, I'm easy approach to getting with women for the entire year. That is, I will buy myself that present regardless of the result. It has a lot to do with how I would like to live my life, regardless of whether living my life the way I want to live it gets me laid or not. |
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