Funny how I was out in front of all of this with the ordeals I've been going through that really take off as this blog started getting traction a few years ago. Yeah, I admit to doing some pretty shitty stuff, but, "Let he (or she) who is without sin cast the first stone," and all of that.
I wonder how my musical material will go over in the kind of zeitgeist we're in right now? I do some pretty frank woman hate songs such as, "God You're Something Awful," and "I Didn't Know It Was a Gunfight (Until I Drew and Shot You Down)." I don't know if I'll get the chance to find out at my show this weekend. We might have rain. There might not be a turnout-especially from a general public that would get all bent out of shape over such material. But, I've already been kicked off stage once this year, so I guess there's room for one more episode such as that before the year ends.
I've decided that, to maintain my equilibrium, I need to do three things on a daily basis. 1) stay compliant with my medication 2) maintain my commitment to abstinence from cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs, and 3) try to refrain from endlessly searching for that attractive women with the heart of gold in my world; the one I KNOW secretly burns a torch just for me.
That last one is one I've come up with myself. It stems from my self-diagnosis of love addiction as the cause of most of my troubles with women. At least it's one cause of trouble that I can do something about. I can't cure my mental illness, or stop being a middle- aged white guy, but I can address my role in the whole mess by attacking the love addiction issue.
There always seems to exist a woman in my world, at arms length, who seems all to willing to help me go down that psychotic episode/ heartbreak rabbit hole. There may be one or two women who see this kind of thing going on who may become, at least, sympathetic to my plight. But, if they exist, I believe they would lose all sympathy for me if I try too hard to project onto them the sense that there is something "there" in their hearts for me to discover and unearth and have as my own.