In the days since I've decided to regard my fixation on Schmaylor as the symptom of an illness and I therefore feel absolutely no need to "keep my end up" in some supposed deal I have with her, a funny thing has happened. A whole new world of possibilities has opened up like a fat, fresh raw oyster for me to just dig into. I see my move as turning away from a solid brick wall of undeterminable height and width and turning instead to MY LIFE and seeing all that I can work on in that sphere.
And it's not as if this notion of Schmaylor has disappeared from my being as I've talked about with other women. The only notions of Schmaylor that appear now are happy, joyful fantasies that involve connecting with her on a talk show panel and shit like that. Not bad at all. So, concentrate on doing laundry and cleaning my apartment instead of racking my brain on how to get with Schmaylor, and I find myself in a happy, joyful place in regards to the notion of her that resides in my head. Not bad at all.