In the blog post "Some thots about secret admirers," I talked about how this still stuck in my craw a week later and what I thought might result. Yesterday all this thinking about this stuff led me to the realization that this was yet another unavailable woman deal on my table. I'd been figuring that perhaps the women in my real world environment just weren't doing it for me anymore for this role, and that maybe it's true that nature abhors a vacuum, so I strung together a few odds and ends events since I'd received the CD, and came to the conclusion that I was, if nothing else, in a bit of a crisis about whether this was a real thing or not.
A few years ago an obsessed male fan of Ariana Grande, okay it's not Ariana Grande I'm talking about, posted a video that featured him lamely singing and rapping about his undying love for Ariana. It kind of went around, I saw it on a Gawker site, and so there you have it. Like me, the unavailable woman deal was on his table too, not through any deliberate course of action taken by Ariana Grande mind you, it was just his fixation on her that put this deal in front of him, and he took what I consider an ill-advised course of action in resolving it. If nothing else he looked like a bit of a scary jackass as a result.
Since I realized that this was, indeed, yet another unavailable woman deal before me, I had a bit of a time about it. I imagined laying some vituperative invective on this young woman should I see her, what might really be going on in her world and how that would tie into my world, how I could seriously be hurt and taken advantage of by her and others if she did show etc. etc. Yeah, today was kind of rough.
Earlier this evening I talked to a male friend about what I was going through without going into too much detail or specifics-just that I was having a bad time of it- then I let him go. I told him I might have to check in to a psychiatric hospital if it didn't let up. After I got off the phone with him I thought about that. The medication I'm on is definitely not the issue. That's working fine in terms of both mood and thought. So, would I check into the hospital because I don't feel safe right now? That's more like it. The problem with that is, how long could I expect to be able to hide out in a psych hospital before they release me? They'd probably decide I was pretty stable soon after I checked in, so the idea of checking into one in the first place seemed pretty pointless.
In an earlier post I talked about how the only criticism I had about my approach with a girl named Sara back in college, to try to "turn my back on love (See the post, 'I'm not bad,' from January 2016)," was that I didn't take it far enough and try to apply that approach with other women who came up after I let go of Sara. So, earlier tonight I thought, my mistake was that I did not take "turning my back on love" far enough back then, how would taking it far enough, now, manifest itself tonight?
Then I realized that when it comes to the unavailable woman deal, the revelation that it is most likely not going to work out inevitably comes to me eventually. After all, I'm not currently fixated on women I was fixated on back in college. In every instance before this one, I let go. I also remembered quite a few times where I was overcome with doubt and panic before I was able to let go. One instance where I made an unwise decision in this angry, panicked state occurred when I made a crude sexual proposition to a girl whom I suspected of representing herself as something she was not.
The trick is to have as little drama occur as possible before this realization that one has to let go of this notion of this person, and the way I found to have as little drama occur as I can is to have as little skin in the game as I can possibly have. I didn't even know Sara's name when I decided to cut her loose. When one has as little invested as one can possibly have, it's easier to let go. If one has too much invested, there can be the temptation to double down, and that can be a dodgy proposition. The way one can have as little skin in the game as one can possibly have is to do as little as one can possibly stand to do about the dilemma before one.
Whether the unavailable woman is Ariana Grande, Jennifer Lawrence, the girl next door, a coworker, a classmate, someone one has met online; that moment where one realizes that it's probably not going to happen is going to come. I'm 52 now, and this is definitely not my first rodeo. The advantage of having it be about Ariana Grande or Jennifer Lawrence, is that once one reaches this stage they really disappear from one's inner landscape, because they were never a part of one's real world outer landscape. They are not persistent Latina players who keep coming back because they hope that I mistake their persistence for sincerity. They are not White feminists who have the idea that taking me down means that they are striking a blow for women everywhere, and that when I beat them yet again for another round, wrong has prevailed over right, and so they must try, try again. Yeah, the A-list celebrity woman just go back to wherever they came from, probably.
I feel so much better. I've had a less than two week turnaround on this one. Pretty good. Another love interest bites the dust!