Right before I went to SVA in the Fall, I ate at Chez Zee with my mother. A young woman and an older man pass by our table at one point on the way to their seats. I look over after a while and see "Anna," someone I had a real bad fixation on three years earlier right after I broke up with Jeannette. I noticed her because she had a gaze fixed on me with a similarly touched expression on her face. Mind you, when I associated with her three years earlier, she was a classmate in a math class with a serious boyfriend, and she regarded me as a kind of menace and a pest, so the way she looked at me was weird, but not the first time some very attractive woman has looked at me that way, not by a long shot.
I've got to emphasize that an attractive young woman looking at me this way is not necessarily like a Willy Wonka Golden Ticket to tour the chocolate factory, if you get my drift- not by a long fucking shot, as I found out in an all-too-painful way with Myrna in the late Winter season of 1989 (see blog post,"Executing plays from my playbook,10/4/2016," for Myrna). The young woman from last year seemed to specialize in giving me this touched look after I said this, that, or the other in this blog, and boy I'd really have to take such looks from her with a total grain of salt. I guess it's possible for someone to have two total polar opposites going for someone inside of them, but from my personal experience, I want no part of such a person. What do I look like, a masochist?
That said, I connected the dots with Anna and Nicole when I got sick in 1992 and again in 1995. One of the voices in my head in 1995 took the form of Suckmeat Muldoon at his wedding in 1990. The voice in the form of Suckmeat said that, as much as I obsess on women, women wind up obsessing on me like a motherfucker.
I think that there might be something to that, I don't really know. Was my most recent fixation wholly transferred to the object of my fixation back at me? I've stopped googling this person's name, for the time being, and that's the only "plans" I have for her for the foreseeable future. I could care less whether the notion of her that I had in my head, and to some extent still have, really existed or not, because that notion turned into something quite distasteful as of two weeks ago. Don't get me wrong, on May 19 of this year I titled a post, "Invisible Woman, I care for you a great deal," and I still stand by that statement. I was pretty mad after things shook out like they shook out, but I've come full circle, back to what I posted this past May 19th.
I care for anyone a great deal who has some part of them get under my skin for an appreciable period of time, even someone I've never met and am likely to never meet. Some part of them becomes a part of me, what am I supposed to do besides take care of this part of them? Cut the offending appendage off? I've just found a sustainable way of sending that part of that person on their way and out of the major part of my head, and that's where I'm at now. Sue me.
Has there been a transference? Is this person now fixated on me? If they were, would I even find out if they just decided to hide every part of it from me and the rest of the world? Okay, maybe they could. Right now, I have absolutely no reason at all to give a flying fuck either which way about what may or may not be going on in such an individual. And, if this person has ever gone through a fraction of the conflicted emotional ups and downs that I've experienced, they would totally understand what I am saying right here, right now, about it. For me, all I have to concern myself with is being nice to this or that person in my actual world who may have a thing for me, but I don't want that right now. That's all that's before me at this time, and it's pretty important to me to be kind to such a person, because I've been on the other end that equation plenty of times where the object of my desire was not nice to me AT ALL.