I wanted to sit on these thoughts for a bit before airing them, but the way I do things tends to involve just getting stuff out there regardless. In the eighties I had several situations that went sideways that all have some things in common. One of the elements of these disastrous outcomes I've talked about involved how I'd try to forgive young women for meanness towards me. I now conclude that I would forgive these women with the hope that I would receive material things in return. Things such as love, sex, companionship, acceptance by these women and those around us- quite a lot actually.
What motivated some of these women to have anything to do with me in the first place? What put them on the scene that precipitated things going sideways? I think a common motivation for a lot of these women stemmed from a desire for love and acceptance. I think some of them, such as Katy, wanted me to like them in spite of how they treated me. I think Wanda, whom I talk about often in these posts, wanted acceptance from my group of friends. I think, especially in the case of Wanda, but Katy as well, they really didn't think things through before going out with me.
Katy told me she loved me and generally had me wrapped around her little finger on our first date on New Year's Eve, 1984/85. She got me to confess my virgin status as we made out at a party in a theater downtown. She told me she loved me, and that she had broken up with her boyfriend. So I thought if I played my cards right, I could have sex with her. She told me the real deal with her boyfriend a couple of weeks later, and that was that. Katy obviously felt bad for her actions. So much so that she agreed to go out with me one night the following Summer. I was all hot to get laid once and for all, and things went bad in my truck that night. I had to apologize to Katy a couple of days later.
Wanda, in September of 1986, laughed in my face at a party where I had a psychotic episode. At that party, I'd hoped to connect with a girl named "Donna" that I had fixated on all Summer. My friends seemed to universally consider me an object of scorn and ridicule for my obsessive fixation on Donna, whom I'd only met once, briefly, and who had a boyfriend. At that party, which was large, it seemed as if everyone knew about my fixation on Donna and considered me an object of scorn and ridicule. That freaked me out. When Wanda came up and laughed in my face, that constituted only one of several gestures of contempt towards me that friends and people I didn't know showed me.
The following weekend I ran into Donna at another party. At the party where I had the breakdown, she scowled at me as I walked by, and she left soon after. The following weekend, I walked up and introduced myself to Donna and talked to her in a nice manner. That seemed to change a lot of people's minds about me, and a few months later it looked as if Wanda had taken an interest in me.
In the Spring Semester of 1987, I discovered that I had Wanda in a math class. She demonstratively expressed a desire to study with me at the end of the first class. Again, I thought that all I had to do was play my cards right and I could successfully date Wanda. We went out on several dates where me made out pretty seriously at her apartment door, but she would never let me close the deal.
A hostess at the restaurant where Wanda waited tables threw a party at an apartment. Wanda met me there, and one of the first things I remember involved Wanda introducing me to some guy. The way the guy shook hands with me has stuck with me to this day. He had kind of a wide eyed look on his face when we stood face to face, and his grip was soft and gentle. Another thing I remember first thing at that party involved recognizing a couple of Vernon Hoe's friends. I'd played touch football with Vernon and these two brothers soon after that traumatic party of the previous September. I think I played with them on the Sunday after that party where I'd made things right with Donna. Anyway, these two brothers lived next door to the hostess at the restaurant where Wanda worked.
Decades later, I concluded that the hostess had introduced one of the brothers, who had a disfigured face from an accident, to Wanda sometime before I'd arrived. I also concluded, decades later, that Wanda and the hostess competed for the affections of the guy Wanda had made a point of introducing me to, and that the hostess wanted to show disrespect towards Wanda by introducing her to the "ugly" guy. In essence, this handsome waiter (manager?) from the restaurant was Wanda's "real" boyfriend, and I was just a beard, I guess. Some more weeks went by where I could not close the deal with Wanda, and then, one night in her car, as we made out pretty heavily, I made a crude sexual proposition to Wanda.
I've only recently concluded that Wanda desired acceptance from my group of friends, and that motivated her to put up this front where she pretty much pretended to be my girlfriend. Maybe she thought that I could step in and really date her if things didn't work out with this other guy, and that she could string me along until then. Like I said, I don't think she thought things through very well.
Like I said in my last post, God seems to want me to have plenty of chances to get these kinds of deals right. I just came out and said some things that might or might not have relevance to my life and the life of some of those around me in these days. I don't know. I guess if I perceived that a particular party seems to have some interest in me, the real motivation behind this interest might involve some of the things I've talked about in the above stories. If that were the case, I would tell this person that she need not worry about being accepted by those around her, or by me, to the point where both her own best interests and mine might become compromised. I've been in plenty of situations where those around me perceived me as the bad guy, and I've found that letting go of the notion that some kind of deal has to go through in order for things to work out proved the best frame of mind to have.
What motivated some of these women to have anything to do with me in the first place? What put them on the scene that precipitated things going sideways? I think a common motivation for a lot of these women stemmed from a desire for love and acceptance. I think some of them, such as Katy, wanted me to like them in spite of how they treated me. I think Wanda, whom I talk about often in these posts, wanted acceptance from my group of friends. I think, especially in the case of Wanda, but Katy as well, they really didn't think things through before going out with me.
Katy told me she loved me and generally had me wrapped around her little finger on our first date on New Year's Eve, 1984/85. She got me to confess my virgin status as we made out at a party in a theater downtown. She told me she loved me, and that she had broken up with her boyfriend. So I thought if I played my cards right, I could have sex with her. She told me the real deal with her boyfriend a couple of weeks later, and that was that. Katy obviously felt bad for her actions. So much so that she agreed to go out with me one night the following Summer. I was all hot to get laid once and for all, and things went bad in my truck that night. I had to apologize to Katy a couple of days later.
Wanda, in September of 1986, laughed in my face at a party where I had a psychotic episode. At that party, I'd hoped to connect with a girl named "Donna" that I had fixated on all Summer. My friends seemed to universally consider me an object of scorn and ridicule for my obsessive fixation on Donna, whom I'd only met once, briefly, and who had a boyfriend. At that party, which was large, it seemed as if everyone knew about my fixation on Donna and considered me an object of scorn and ridicule. That freaked me out. When Wanda came up and laughed in my face, that constituted only one of several gestures of contempt towards me that friends and people I didn't know showed me.
The following weekend I ran into Donna at another party. At the party where I had the breakdown, she scowled at me as I walked by, and she left soon after. The following weekend, I walked up and introduced myself to Donna and talked to her in a nice manner. That seemed to change a lot of people's minds about me, and a few months later it looked as if Wanda had taken an interest in me.
In the Spring Semester of 1987, I discovered that I had Wanda in a math class. She demonstratively expressed a desire to study with me at the end of the first class. Again, I thought that all I had to do was play my cards right and I could successfully date Wanda. We went out on several dates where me made out pretty seriously at her apartment door, but she would never let me close the deal.
A hostess at the restaurant where Wanda waited tables threw a party at an apartment. Wanda met me there, and one of the first things I remember involved Wanda introducing me to some guy. The way the guy shook hands with me has stuck with me to this day. He had kind of a wide eyed look on his face when we stood face to face, and his grip was soft and gentle. Another thing I remember first thing at that party involved recognizing a couple of Vernon Hoe's friends. I'd played touch football with Vernon and these two brothers soon after that traumatic party of the previous September. I think I played with them on the Sunday after that party where I'd made things right with Donna. Anyway, these two brothers lived next door to the hostess at the restaurant where Wanda worked.
Decades later, I concluded that the hostess had introduced one of the brothers, who had a disfigured face from an accident, to Wanda sometime before I'd arrived. I also concluded, decades later, that Wanda and the hostess competed for the affections of the guy Wanda had made a point of introducing me to, and that the hostess wanted to show disrespect towards Wanda by introducing her to the "ugly" guy. In essence, this handsome waiter (manager?) from the restaurant was Wanda's "real" boyfriend, and I was just a beard, I guess. Some more weeks went by where I could not close the deal with Wanda, and then, one night in her car, as we made out pretty heavily, I made a crude sexual proposition to Wanda.
I've only recently concluded that Wanda desired acceptance from my group of friends, and that motivated her to put up this front where she pretty much pretended to be my girlfriend. Maybe she thought that I could step in and really date her if things didn't work out with this other guy, and that she could string me along until then. Like I said, I don't think she thought things through very well.
Like I said in my last post, God seems to want me to have plenty of chances to get these kinds of deals right. I just came out and said some things that might or might not have relevance to my life and the life of some of those around me in these days. I don't know. I guess if I perceived that a particular party seems to have some interest in me, the real motivation behind this interest might involve some of the things I've talked about in the above stories. If that were the case, I would tell this person that she need not worry about being accepted by those around her, or by me, to the point where both her own best interests and mine might become compromised. I've been in plenty of situations where those around me perceived me as the bad guy, and I've found that letting go of the notion that some kind of deal has to go through in order for things to work out proved the best frame of mind to have.
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