One our date New Year's Eve, Katy said that the guy I saw her with that night at the party was her boyfriend, but that she was going to break up with him. At some point, at a party at a theater while we sat in an audience row, we made out. Katy asked me if I was a virgin, and I said yes. Katy then said she loved me. Later that night, at some guy's apartment, I said that I didn't want to get her pregnant when she gave me the opportunity to have sex with her. We sat in the bathroom while her friend had sex in the bedroom with her date.
Well, I didn't have sex with Katy on any of our subsequent dates, and she called me and said that her relationship with her boyfriend was no longer and open one. I felt really bad about not getting to have sex with her. Her boyfriend was a student in a drawing class of mine at UT the next semester.
I told a male friend in the Spring of 1985 my version of what had happened, and he said something like, "Dog eat dog," i.e. that I should have taken advantage of any opportunity Katy offered me. I tried to get something going with Veronica that semester, but that didn't work out.
During the Summer of 1985, I called Katy and arranged a movie date. I tried to initiate intimate relations with her in my truck, but she didn't want to. I kept pressing until she practically had to wrestle with me to get me to stop. I was very upset and I was very hostile and surly with her. She drove my truck to her house and she went into her house, and I drove home.
I didn't realize how upset she was until I tried to call her a day or two later. I called her again a day or two after that and offered an apology that she might have felt I tainted with my attempt to come off on some higher level, but I did most definitely apologize. I talked to girl I'd met through Wolfgang, who became the first girl I ever dated, a couple of days later as I tripped on ecstasy outside of a dance club. I remember passing Katy in our cars a few weeks later and having a really wild, joyful look on my face that she might have taken the wrong way. In the Fall of 1986 I had to stand up to some male friends of hers in a club and show that I was willing to defend myself.
Looking back, I wonder how much of an opportunity Katy really gave me that night or on following dates. She might have figured that she could control me enough with her machinations, but that belief backfired on our date the following Summer.
I've talked about a young woman in my world, a very attractive young woman, who may have come around about me. My last post talked about how I'm not going to just forgive her unilaterally for the course of action I perceived her to be on before I may have turned things around.
There's a lot of factors involved in my lack of willingness to pursue this young woman: She works at a business where it would be weird for me to approach her socially. She's no older than twenty-one, while I'm fifty-five. I'm fifty-five, and therefore not exactly hormonally challenged. I don't know that she's available. But, the main reason I don't want to approach her socially has to do with her previous intentions. I have several reasons to believe that this young woman wanted to hurt me emotionally for whatever fucked up reason she decided to take an emotionally abusive, sadistic path of action in regards to me. I even thought she might have done so in the service of some crusade on behalf of a woman I now call Linda. Linda was someone I'd had a run-in with thirty years ago.
In my previous post I said that this young woman didn't mean shit to me as a romantic love interest, but that she meant something to me as a human being. Well, pardon the hell out of me! I wish I'd taken that viewpoint in regards to Katy those many years ago. I think a lot of my troubles with women in my past had to do with perceived opportunities to connect in romantic and sexual ways, and how I somehow blew it with this or that young woman who supposedly gave me such an opportunity. I care enough for this young woman that I can accept an outcome where we may not connect in any way romantically and/or sexually. I don't want to get hung up on some supposed opportunity with anyone whom I guessed might have come at me with abusive intent. That's all I've got to say about this complicated subject right now.
Okay, I'll add this. I've talked often about how I found myself through my dealings with Sara in 1988. Back then I decided to see what would happen if I turned my back on love and let whatever opportunity I perceived with Sara slip through my fingers. My only criticism of my approach back then is that I didn't take it far enough. I really wish I'd stuck with that course of action with "Linda" and "Myrna." I don't want to make that mistake again. I'm following my buddha. There, that is all.