Something I've found helpful these last few days stems directly from my last post. In my last post I talked about the need I felt to always have a love interest to think about. I wrote that having a love interest made me feel as if i played a part in the whole love and dating game.
That got me to think about the Legend of Richy Vegas. I spend a good deal of my days trying to parse out the actual reality of the Legend from that which exists only in my head. I tend to think that many people in my world, no matter where I am, know about me in a way many would find unusual. The girl at the coffee shop knows about my doings with women in my world, even though no obvious connection exists between the girl at the coffee shop and women I think about in a romantic way. I've speculated that I have a web presence that I did not consent to, which supposedly connects disparate women in locals spread all over Austin, and other parts of the country whenever I travel for comic book conventions, for example.
I also speculate that a parallel knowledge of the Legend of Richy Vegas runs through a network of, primarily, men in my world. I speculate that the League (I don't want to elaborate on the League right now), that the League recruits members around the country to tell men I might or might not encounter of the Legend of Richy Vegas. So my mind filters day to day interactions with this construct in place. The women know about one thing, while certain people, men mainly, know the real story, and I will often make dissociative connections about mundane, everyday interactions, such as when a female cashier at a business says, "Have a good one," as I leave after completing my purchase, or when a couple of men laugh about something between themselves in my presence.
That sucks, not as much as it sucked when I was sick with psychosis, but it still kind of sucks. I've concluded this past week that this tendency to make such dissociative connections, and the grandiose construct that underpins it all, reflects a primal desire in my being for me to be a part of something bigger than me. Whether all of this stuff has a least some truth it- all the stuff about the Legend, that is- or whether it only actually resides in my head, my tendency to think in this manner displays a desire to find a personal connection to something divine and much bigger than me. It sucks that my brain and consciousness works this way, I guess, but I hope this train of thought about how it just reflects my desire for connection, and that thinking this way doesn't make me bad or inferior, I hope this insight helps me in the long run.
That got me to think about the Legend of Richy Vegas. I spend a good deal of my days trying to parse out the actual reality of the Legend from that which exists only in my head. I tend to think that many people in my world, no matter where I am, know about me in a way many would find unusual. The girl at the coffee shop knows about my doings with women in my world, even though no obvious connection exists between the girl at the coffee shop and women I think about in a romantic way. I've speculated that I have a web presence that I did not consent to, which supposedly connects disparate women in locals spread all over Austin, and other parts of the country whenever I travel for comic book conventions, for example.
I also speculate that a parallel knowledge of the Legend of Richy Vegas runs through a network of, primarily, men in my world. I speculate that the League (I don't want to elaborate on the League right now), that the League recruits members around the country to tell men I might or might not encounter of the Legend of Richy Vegas. So my mind filters day to day interactions with this construct in place. The women know about one thing, while certain people, men mainly, know the real story, and I will often make dissociative connections about mundane, everyday interactions, such as when a female cashier at a business says, "Have a good one," as I leave after completing my purchase, or when a couple of men laugh about something between themselves in my presence.
That sucks, not as much as it sucked when I was sick with psychosis, but it still kind of sucks. I've concluded this past week that this tendency to make such dissociative connections, and the grandiose construct that underpins it all, reflects a primal desire in my being for me to be a part of something bigger than me. Whether all of this stuff has a least some truth it- all the stuff about the Legend, that is- or whether it only actually resides in my head, my tendency to think in this manner displays a desire to find a personal connection to something divine and much bigger than me. It sucks that my brain and consciousness works this way, I guess, but I hope this train of thought about how it just reflects my desire for connection, and that thinking this way doesn't make me bad or inferior, I hope this insight helps me in the long run.
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