Feeling Good by Dr David Burns, has some stories involving women and their wayward spouses and elusive boyfriends. These tales involve women patients of his who want these partners back in their lives, and Dr. Burns counsels them on how to go about it. In the case of the woman with the elusive boyfriend, a man who was tomcattin' around at the time the woman saw Burns, he counseled her to not criticize her boyfriend or anything, but to communicate to him in a genuine empathetic manner that she tried to understand that his tomcattin' ways constituted his attempts to figure some things out in life, and that she still cared for him, but she had to attend to her own life in the meantime.
I think the story went something like that, it's been many years since I read it, but at any rate, the boyfriend wanted back into her life, eventually, but by that time she'd decided he wasn't for her, and she wound up marrying someone else. I believe that Burns emphasized that none of her communications that attempted to express empathy towards her boyfriend constituted any manipulative attempts at "reverse psychology" but an attempt to really see things from her boyfriend's point of view. And in making this attempt to see things from his point of view, she found the personal strength to move on with her own life.
My last post talked about how bad I often feel when some love interest or other attempts, from my point of view, to somehow let me know that my best is not good enough. Okay, what understandable truths might reside behind such a seemingly cold-hearted point of view? I suppose such a person has a genuine concern about how others in her world might see her if they saw her "giving in" to me in a way that would diminish them in the eyes of their peers. Social phenomena such as appearances and the presentation of one's "face" to their community might concern such women more than I personally could appreciate. After all, for me to date a young, very, very attractive woman might count as a real feather in my cap for me to MY peers, but for her to date me and show me off to HER peers, maybe not so much.
Okay, that point of view is not one I typically have towards anyone I ever have up for consideration, but the whole idea behind empathy resides in the notion that the other person is NOT me, but that I, with enough thought and care, can see where they might come from if they front me an attitude that my best is not good enough for them. In that case, I would advise such a young woman, should I ever run across one I care for enough to try and court in the foreseeable future, and this young woman DOES perceptively front me an attitude that my best is not good enough for them; I would advise them to move on to a suitor who meets this need for them to maintain a presentable "face" to their community, and to not give me another thought.
I think the story went something like that, it's been many years since I read it, but at any rate, the boyfriend wanted back into her life, eventually, but by that time she'd decided he wasn't for her, and she wound up marrying someone else. I believe that Burns emphasized that none of her communications that attempted to express empathy towards her boyfriend constituted any manipulative attempts at "reverse psychology" but an attempt to really see things from her boyfriend's point of view. And in making this attempt to see things from his point of view, she found the personal strength to move on with her own life.
My last post talked about how bad I often feel when some love interest or other attempts, from my point of view, to somehow let me know that my best is not good enough. Okay, what understandable truths might reside behind such a seemingly cold-hearted point of view? I suppose such a person has a genuine concern about how others in her world might see her if they saw her "giving in" to me in a way that would diminish them in the eyes of their peers. Social phenomena such as appearances and the presentation of one's "face" to their community might concern such women more than I personally could appreciate. After all, for me to date a young, very, very attractive woman might count as a real feather in my cap for me to MY peers, but for her to date me and show me off to HER peers, maybe not so much.
Okay, that point of view is not one I typically have towards anyone I ever have up for consideration, but the whole idea behind empathy resides in the notion that the other person is NOT me, but that I, with enough thought and care, can see where they might come from if they front me an attitude that my best is not good enough for them. In that case, I would advise such a young woman, should I ever run across one I care for enough to try and court in the foreseeable future, and this young woman DOES perceptively front me an attitude that my best is not good enough for them; I would advise them to move on to a suitor who meets this need for them to maintain a presentable "face" to their community, and to not give me another thought.
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