So I found myself at loose ends tonight on my book. I worked a little on the lettering and then took a break from all of that and took the rest of the night off. I remembered back when I was sixteen and how the girls of the day had me vexed, and I never seemed to know what to do with myself in general. There was this girl from my art class in tenth grade who seemed to want to help me with the virgin dilemma, but she wasn't much help. On one date we sat and watched TV in her family's living room after a night at a club. I sat in a big puffy chair while she sat on the floor beside me. At one point, it was at about three in the morning, she offered to take me to the bedroom and spend the night. I didn't go for it and went home.
I thought the rest of the Summer about that opportunity, and got pretty obsessed with her. When she went away to college in the Fall, I obsessed on her more. I saw her invitation as some great, missed opportunity that I felt bad about. I'd never even made out with a girl when she made the offer to spend the night with her, but I've only thought about that point these past several years. She had two other real boyfriends that Summer, and she showed up at my house for a short visit with a new girlfriend sometime later that year. She never again gave me that kind of opportunity that she gave me that night at her house, but I tell you, I really found myself beside myself with regret over the not scoring with her for a long time afterwards, and I could not just let it go. I didn't really try to find more constructive things to do with myself but turn over my whole deal with her in my head in the year or so after she left for college.
Nowadays, of course, all that stuff I found myself so vexed with about my deal with her at the time seems like no big deal at all. Beginning in the Fall of 2001, I made a concerted effort to find more constructive things to do with my time alone than drink beer, smoke dope, and smoke cigarettes. I became so confident in my ability to spend time in my little efficiency apartment by myself and not get loaded that I made a serious effort in December to quit smoking. I haven't had a cigarette in nineteen years as of this year. I committed to abstinence from drugs and alcohol in late 2008, a commitment that continues to this day.
I made the commitment to abstain from drugs and alcohol, specifically, to improve my relationship with women. How am I doing on that front? Well, tonight I realized that, in some ways, I find myself in the same position I found myself with girls like the one I mentioned in the above paragraphs. Sometimes I just don't know how to spend time by myself constructively, and I can get caught up in things I don't need to get caught up in. But, when I think about it, I often times find myself in situations with women that I might very well look back on one day and say, "You know, that really was no big deal," in much the same way I now say the about that girl I went on dates with in high school that one Summer.
Now, I've been in plenty of situations where it seems as if my love interest has some interest in deliberately putting me in bad position. I've talked often about Wanda. I've talked about how she basically pretended to be my girlfriend as she vied for the attention of a guy who had at least one other girlfriend. Wanda really pulled me around by an erect penis with all of her machinations, and I honestly don't know if I'd do much better than I did with her if I found myself in the same position again. After several weeks of heavy makeout sessions that would go nowhere, I gave her a sexual ultimatum in the form of a crude sexual proposition. That created way more problems than it solved.
Between the times when I find myself confronted with my own loneliness, sense of isolation, feelings of no direction to go in, and those times when it seems as if some woman seeks to really prey upon all of those feelings somehow and represent herself as the solution to all of that when she is not, I've done pretty well since the days of Wanda. Right now I feel as if I'm more confronted with my own insecurities than anything else, which I can definitely deal with better than I could when I was fifteen or sixteen years old.
I'm over halfway finished with inking the text of my new book, and I hope to finish the whole "Legend of Richy Vegas" series by this coming December. I've also got my record way more than halfway finished, and I've started playing out a little, and I hope to scare up at least one gig before the year is over.