In my last couple of posts I put out there the notion that this famous person I go on and on about these days might have a fixation on me, but not necessarily a romantic love fixation on me. So, what kind of a fixation is it? That is, of course, if my notion of this person lines up in any way with the real person that really exists in the real world. What's her fixation on me about? Two posts ago I wrote about how this person gets seriously menaced by male stalker types who seem to often have psychiatric diagnoses that are similar or identical to mine. My diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder, so we're talking about men who have problems within the schizophrenia spectrum of psychiatric diagnoses.
Why the fixation on me? Well, I don't engage in any of the behaviors towards her or anyone else that she and those around her find so troubling. Why is that? I think these blog posts reflect an ever-continuing desire to change those parts of myself I that I find I have in common with the men who so bedevil her existence. I've had a desire to change my relationship with girls and women since my adolescence, and I knew I had to somehow address these same interactive, behavioral, and cognition issues I had, and to some extent still have, with women who all looked pretty much as good as her, in a lot of cases.
I finally experienced some of the change I so desired for so long, at the age of twenty-three, in 1988, when Sara backed me into a corner via our mutual enrollment in an art history class in college. See the blog post, "I'm not bad," from January or February of 2016 to get more info on that. Like I said in that post, I decided to revive the whole, "What if I turned my back on love?," experiment in September of 2012, because trying it in full effect just that one time with Sara in 1988 seemed to have a profound impact on how I related to women I desired in the years afterwards. A real ripple effect, so I thought I'd revive the experiment in full flower. I wanted to, and still want to, see what happens when I take the experiment "far enough" this time.
But yeah, that all came from an overriding desire to change in the first place that I'd had since the age of fifteen or sixteen. These men that give this famous woman so much grief, some of them might be perfectly fine with themselves just the way they are. Some of them might be so deep into their psychosis that the need to change on their part just doesn't register as a need at all. Some of them might think the change they so desire will come from their idea of success in their efforts to get close to this woman.
Therefore, I can see why this famous person would have an interest in me that, while no longer adversarial, may not be romantic, either. I can see how she might find it in her best interest to study me more from the distance from me she maintains, so she and those around her can see how I function in the coming weeks, months, and possibly even years to come. And I can see how she would have no desire to fuck me up by trying to reach out to me in any substantive way, ever. I, of course, have no problem with any of this, especially the no-longer-adversarial part.
Why the fixation on me? Well, I don't engage in any of the behaviors towards her or anyone else that she and those around her find so troubling. Why is that? I think these blog posts reflect an ever-continuing desire to change those parts of myself I that I find I have in common with the men who so bedevil her existence. I've had a desire to change my relationship with girls and women since my adolescence, and I knew I had to somehow address these same interactive, behavioral, and cognition issues I had, and to some extent still have, with women who all looked pretty much as good as her, in a lot of cases.
I finally experienced some of the change I so desired for so long, at the age of twenty-three, in 1988, when Sara backed me into a corner via our mutual enrollment in an art history class in college. See the blog post, "I'm not bad," from January or February of 2016 to get more info on that. Like I said in that post, I decided to revive the whole, "What if I turned my back on love?," experiment in September of 2012, because trying it in full effect just that one time with Sara in 1988 seemed to have a profound impact on how I related to women I desired in the years afterwards. A real ripple effect, so I thought I'd revive the experiment in full flower. I wanted to, and still want to, see what happens when I take the experiment "far enough" this time.
But yeah, that all came from an overriding desire to change in the first place that I'd had since the age of fifteen or sixteen. These men that give this famous woman so much grief, some of them might be perfectly fine with themselves just the way they are. Some of them might be so deep into their psychosis that the need to change on their part just doesn't register as a need at all. Some of them might think the change they so desire will come from their idea of success in their efforts to get close to this woman.
Therefore, I can see why this famous person would have an interest in me that, while no longer adversarial, may not be romantic, either. I can see how she might find it in her best interest to study me more from the distance from me she maintains, so she and those around her can see how I function in the coming weeks, months, and possibly even years to come. And I can see how she would have no desire to fuck me up by trying to reach out to me in any substantive way, ever. I, of course, have no problem with any of this, especially the no-longer-adversarial part.
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