My last several posts have concerned my deal with women, as usual, but the tone may have shifted some this past month and a half or so. I'm talking more and more about the role I play in my failings with women, and the steps I can take to correct that. As far as the women I see in my day to day world, I've got this idea of not doing anything in an attempt to get me closer to them. Now, that could mean trying not to stare at them, as well as refrain from asking them out on dates, or maybe just not try too hard to come off as some super great guy and whatnot. I seem to have a magnetic repulsion effect on women in my world when I try to get close to them in those kinds of ways, I think.
A few posts back I talked about how I'm pretty sure that there is no woman or women in my world that I'm really attracted to burning some secret torch for me that I just have to uncover. That whole looking for a love interest thing concerned that line of thinking. I stand by that statement now, as I did a few weeks ago: that I'm pretty sure there's no heart of gold out there in my world that awaits my discovery.
The thought that occurs to me is that women have to like me first before they can ever love me, and some quest to unearth their "secret heart" might get in the way of that process. That said, I'm not really holding my breath for some sort of breakthrough with anyone in my world right now. I just go out to see bands, perform at open mics, and other stuff a lot, where I see friends, and even then I don't really pressure myself to meet women.
A topic I wanted to bring up concerns aggression. I talked about the possibility that certain predatory women I've dealt with these past several years where basically visiting a weird, feminine kind of aggression on me when I suspected that maybe someone or other wanted to play me. New readers to this blog just have to go to January 1st of this year and read up to about last Summer to get a sense of what I refer to.
My point is, if that kind of thing counts as aggression, I've at least become really good at dealing with this one type of aggression. I may never be a righteous ass-beater of bad men type, but this type of aggression against me, if that Is what it is, is something I've gotten pretty good at dealing with, if I do say so myself. Believe me, this one type of aggression has been the bane of my existence for all of my adult life, too. I may be the kind of puss that just lets some belligerent, drunk guy beat me up, but this one deal, boy, I seem to have it down.
I've been pretty anxious these past several days. Sure, it's just the akathisia (restlessness; the need for movement; such as getting in one's car and going somewhere) from the antipsychotic medication, but it's also the Richy Vegas thing. I keep thinking that someone wants to hire the services of Richy Vegas for something or other. This kind of thinking just seems to ebb and flow like some tide going in and out. The distraction can drive me to distraction, I tell you. My handful of friends that I call to talk about stuff in general don't pick up when i call and don't call me back. That has led me to post for the first time in two weeks. I've been shaking off a weird cold/flu thing for all that time. I had a flu shot, and it seemed to make the way I felt yesterday not last all that long.
I've got a gig at a coffee shop on the weekend before Christmas. I'll post things on Facebook, and tell people in other ways, but I might keep the specifics of this gig off of this blog for security purposes. A lot of you all seem to want to be my secret admirers, so, okay, that can cut both ways.
A few posts back I talked about how I'm pretty sure that there is no woman or women in my world that I'm really attracted to burning some secret torch for me that I just have to uncover. That whole looking for a love interest thing concerned that line of thinking. I stand by that statement now, as I did a few weeks ago: that I'm pretty sure there's no heart of gold out there in my world that awaits my discovery.
The thought that occurs to me is that women have to like me first before they can ever love me, and some quest to unearth their "secret heart" might get in the way of that process. That said, I'm not really holding my breath for some sort of breakthrough with anyone in my world right now. I just go out to see bands, perform at open mics, and other stuff a lot, where I see friends, and even then I don't really pressure myself to meet women.
A topic I wanted to bring up concerns aggression. I talked about the possibility that certain predatory women I've dealt with these past several years where basically visiting a weird, feminine kind of aggression on me when I suspected that maybe someone or other wanted to play me. New readers to this blog just have to go to January 1st of this year and read up to about last Summer to get a sense of what I refer to.
My point is, if that kind of thing counts as aggression, I've at least become really good at dealing with this one type of aggression. I may never be a righteous ass-beater of bad men type, but this type of aggression against me, if that Is what it is, is something I've gotten pretty good at dealing with, if I do say so myself. Believe me, this one type of aggression has been the bane of my existence for all of my adult life, too. I may be the kind of puss that just lets some belligerent, drunk guy beat me up, but this one deal, boy, I seem to have it down.
I've been pretty anxious these past several days. Sure, it's just the akathisia (restlessness; the need for movement; such as getting in one's car and going somewhere) from the antipsychotic medication, but it's also the Richy Vegas thing. I keep thinking that someone wants to hire the services of Richy Vegas for something or other. This kind of thinking just seems to ebb and flow like some tide going in and out. The distraction can drive me to distraction, I tell you. My handful of friends that I call to talk about stuff in general don't pick up when i call and don't call me back. That has led me to post for the first time in two weeks. I've been shaking off a weird cold/flu thing for all that time. I had a flu shot, and it seemed to make the way I felt yesterday not last all that long.
I've got a gig at a coffee shop on the weekend before Christmas. I'll post things on Facebook, and tell people in other ways, but I might keep the specifics of this gig off of this blog for security purposes. A lot of you all seem to want to be my secret admirers, so, okay, that can cut both ways.
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