I just read a comment from a Jezebel article where the contributor offhandedly mentions a society that "treats one gender as sexual gatekeepers and another gender as voracious consumers" before she makes a more specific point about sex work. I like that. I'm supposed to belong to the gender of voracious consumers that constantly tries to curry favor from the sexual gatekeeper gender.
What if I find myself in a situation with a gatekeeper that I want to reject? Is that something I'm not supposed to do? Several years ago, at one of these businesses I patronize, I found myself in just such a situation with that virgin girl. That virgin girl was around twenty-one, really pretty, and seemed in overall very good health. I was fifty, obese, and I made no attempt to conceal my mental health diagnosis.
The occasion she fired a shot across my bow in order to initiate engagement with me I found very frightening. A young female coworker looked into her phone and mentioned something about "my first time." This particular young woman was a mother, so I didn't think the out-of-context remark referred to herself. I connected the remark to her virgin girl coworker, because that virgin girl was the queen bee of that whole lot at that time.
I became very paranoid and frightened at the situation I found myself in. I called a male friend soon after the "first time" remark and told him my concerns in a very distressed tone. He calmed me down and advised me not to reach out to the virgin girl. He asked me if I wanted to date this young woman, and I said, "In a perfect world, maybe."
In the coming months, I wrestled with the notion of putting myself out there in some way in order to get with her. I remember a young male employee at this particular business giving me a look as if some madness kept me from just going for it, but soon after that, I decided to stop patronizing this business for like, a month.
After a month I decided to just deal with it. I went back and forth over whether to try to engage with this young woman somehow, but all the while I referenced my time with Sara in 1988. The world didn't come to an end when I decided to not engage with Sara back then. On the contrary, I achieved new heights of insight and self-control as a result of my restraint. So much so that I think I really modified my behavior quite a bit in the coming years, even after I came to the conclusion, some two years after the fact, that I'd made some tragic mistake in letting Sara go .
So, dealing with the virgin girl. I would talk to her a little in the course of going about my business at her place of employment, but nothing to write home about. For someone who supposedly had some kind of interest in me, she didn't seem much obliged to put herself out there for my sake.
I talked to Vernon Hoe about I how I applied the Sara template to this situation, and if I stayed true to the template, I would eventually cut this young woman loose without asking her on a date or anything like that. I told Vern that I couldn't have done better in my situation with Sara if I'd had a hundred chances to do so. That statement implied that I saw no real opportunity to get with Sara, even in hindsight, because Sara turned out to be gay. One may debate "opportunity" in the context of such a revelation, but she was not the love of my life that I made her out to be when I thought I'd made a terrible mistake in cutting her loose.
I later told Vern that I'd lied when I said that I couldn't have improved on my handling of the situation with Sara. I said that the only way I could improve my handling of that situation would involve cutting Sara loose sooner than I did. I had that in mind when I cut that virgin girl loose in January 2015. I figured that she just wanted me to really put myself out there at her place of employment, and then WAMMO, the axe would fall. I remember the day I looked askance at her after my decision, and how she exclaimed, "YOU LIED! YOU LIED!" to a male manager a few moments after I gave her that look. About a month later, her pregnancy showed.
So, I, as a voracious consumer, was not supposed to reject a situation that seemed to present a opportunity with a sexual gatekeeper, but I did. I want to emphasize that I merely rejected the situation that I saw set up. The situation that I saw set up seemed to involve me punching my way through some social brick wall in order to ask her on a date, and I refused. If I detected a more genuine offer of engagement that would have even afforded me the opportunity to decide love, girlfriend, and relationship, yes or no, I might well have decided differently. That's not the situation I rejected at all. In other words, if I'd been given an opportunity to accept or reject HER, and not just the situation, a different outcome would seem much more likely.
I systematically rejected the same situation with other female employees at this one business in the years since that virgin girl's day on the docket. I do so to this day, and I reiterate, it's not even so much the women themselves I reject, it's more the bullshit situation they seem so keen on setting up.
An example of rejecting the woman and not just the situation involves someone else I've talked about recently. Briefly, I said that one reason I rejected this person involved the remark she made, twice, that she doesn't compete for men. She had this self-satisfied smirk on her face both times she said that to me. The first time I could hear this smirk over the phone, and the second time I saw it on her face. I had an opportunity to have sex with her, but I turned it down. That pretty much got the ball rolling on rejecting her, which I did. We never went on a second date.
Am I bucking my role in our society as the voracious consumer in regards to the sexual gatekeeper? Fine with me. Like, I don't have the right to reject any person or situation I decide to reject. If being a mentally ill man in his fifties who rejects bullshit women and bullshit situations-and I again emphasize these can be two different things entirely- if that makes me a rebel than so be it.
What if I find myself in a situation with a gatekeeper that I want to reject? Is that something I'm not supposed to do? Several years ago, at one of these businesses I patronize, I found myself in just such a situation with that virgin girl. That virgin girl was around twenty-one, really pretty, and seemed in overall very good health. I was fifty, obese, and I made no attempt to conceal my mental health diagnosis.
The occasion she fired a shot across my bow in order to initiate engagement with me I found very frightening. A young female coworker looked into her phone and mentioned something about "my first time." This particular young woman was a mother, so I didn't think the out-of-context remark referred to herself. I connected the remark to her virgin girl coworker, because that virgin girl was the queen bee of that whole lot at that time.
I became very paranoid and frightened at the situation I found myself in. I called a male friend soon after the "first time" remark and told him my concerns in a very distressed tone. He calmed me down and advised me not to reach out to the virgin girl. He asked me if I wanted to date this young woman, and I said, "In a perfect world, maybe."
In the coming months, I wrestled with the notion of putting myself out there in some way in order to get with her. I remember a young male employee at this particular business giving me a look as if some madness kept me from just going for it, but soon after that, I decided to stop patronizing this business for like, a month.
After a month I decided to just deal with it. I went back and forth over whether to try to engage with this young woman somehow, but all the while I referenced my time with Sara in 1988. The world didn't come to an end when I decided to not engage with Sara back then. On the contrary, I achieved new heights of insight and self-control as a result of my restraint. So much so that I think I really modified my behavior quite a bit in the coming years, even after I came to the conclusion, some two years after the fact, that I'd made some tragic mistake in letting Sara go .
So, dealing with the virgin girl. I would talk to her a little in the course of going about my business at her place of employment, but nothing to write home about. For someone who supposedly had some kind of interest in me, she didn't seem much obliged to put herself out there for my sake.
I talked to Vernon Hoe about I how I applied the Sara template to this situation, and if I stayed true to the template, I would eventually cut this young woman loose without asking her on a date or anything like that. I told Vern that I couldn't have done better in my situation with Sara if I'd had a hundred chances to do so. That statement implied that I saw no real opportunity to get with Sara, even in hindsight, because Sara turned out to be gay. One may debate "opportunity" in the context of such a revelation, but she was not the love of my life that I made her out to be when I thought I'd made a terrible mistake in cutting her loose.
I later told Vern that I'd lied when I said that I couldn't have improved on my handling of the situation with Sara. I said that the only way I could improve my handling of that situation would involve cutting Sara loose sooner than I did. I had that in mind when I cut that virgin girl loose in January 2015. I figured that she just wanted me to really put myself out there at her place of employment, and then WAMMO, the axe would fall. I remember the day I looked askance at her after my decision, and how she exclaimed, "YOU LIED! YOU LIED!" to a male manager a few moments after I gave her that look. About a month later, her pregnancy showed.
So, I, as a voracious consumer, was not supposed to reject a situation that seemed to present a opportunity with a sexual gatekeeper, but I did. I want to emphasize that I merely rejected the situation that I saw set up. The situation that I saw set up seemed to involve me punching my way through some social brick wall in order to ask her on a date, and I refused. If I detected a more genuine offer of engagement that would have even afforded me the opportunity to decide love, girlfriend, and relationship, yes or no, I might well have decided differently. That's not the situation I rejected at all. In other words, if I'd been given an opportunity to accept or reject HER, and not just the situation, a different outcome would seem much more likely.
I systematically rejected the same situation with other female employees at this one business in the years since that virgin girl's day on the docket. I do so to this day, and I reiterate, it's not even so much the women themselves I reject, it's more the bullshit situation they seem so keen on setting up.
An example of rejecting the woman and not just the situation involves someone else I've talked about recently. Briefly, I said that one reason I rejected this person involved the remark she made, twice, that she doesn't compete for men. She had this self-satisfied smirk on her face both times she said that to me. The first time I could hear this smirk over the phone, and the second time I saw it on her face. I had an opportunity to have sex with her, but I turned it down. That pretty much got the ball rolling on rejecting her, which I did. We never went on a second date.
Am I bucking my role in our society as the voracious consumer in regards to the sexual gatekeeper? Fine with me. Like, I don't have the right to reject any person or situation I decide to reject. If being a mentally ill man in his fifties who rejects bullshit women and bullshit situations-and I again emphasize these can be two different things entirely- if that makes me a rebel than so be it.
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