Back in the late eighties I got tripped up by the concept of what constituted entitlement. Entitlement basically goes this way: "If I do a, b, c, for such and such a person or persons, I have a right to expect x, y, z, in return." The nice guy type oozes a sense of entitlement with his obsequious ways towards his love interest, and then rails against the unfairness of it all when his love interest invariably shits all over him.
My last post talked about my dilemma with entitlement this way: if I follow the rules of courtship regarding issues such as not being underfoot all the time, not being so available, respecting the other person's boundaries and life, taking my time etc., and they still pull the rug out from under me, then that's a deal killer for me. Two examples of pulling the rug out from under me include: having some guy show up on the scene, and trying to make me jump through hoops.
Here's the difference between a sense of entitlement and how I describe my reactions to such avoidant behaviors from the other party as the one's I've mentioned in the previous paragraph. A guy who carries around a sense of entitlement would try to come off as super-nice and infinitely patient about such behaviors from the other party, whereas I acknowledge two things: 1) that there's only so much I am able to do on my end to bring these matters to a satisfactory conclusion, and, 2) that I have limits as to what I will put up with. The guy carrying around a sense of entitlement will try to come off as infinitely loving and patient in the face of such behaviors, things can drag out for a long time, the nice guy will start to feel a great deal of resentment at how the avoidant party treats him, and, oh, the fun that both parties may experience with this interactive dynamic in play. In contrast, the guy who sets limits and boundaries will cut such a person loose sooner rather than later. "Gee, Rich, how is it that you know so much about the inner workings of the nice guy, and how is it that you can chart out so thoroughly the way things can go wrong?" I leave it up to the reader to guess at that one.
About the avoidant type. Yep, women who are very, very attractive, come of as confident and well put together can totally end up engaging in avoidant behaviors with someone like me. From what little I've gleaned from looking stuff up, I can now kind of understand where such a type, the avoidant type, comes from with this kind of abusive behavior. As a child the avoidant type may have been treated by one of their parents as more of a friend the parent could lead on emotionally than as a child who needs to have a proper childhood that doesn't incur such a heavy emotional burden. I can see how a very attractive, confident acting child can inspire a needy parent to dump a lot of emotional baggage on him or her, because the good looks and confident demeanor of such a child can make such a parent feel that the child possesses a wisdom and insight beyond their years.
It's not that the avoidant type is just a whore, or slut, or player, or what have you. It's that any prospect of a love addicted type coming around can stir up two conflicting things. 1) that it's great to have someone who really needs them, 2) that having someone who really needs them can make them feel emotionally claustrophobic, and they will flake. Youtube videos will have these therapists go on at length about this toxic dynamic, but the only ones I've found address the dynamic between the love addicted woman and the love avoidant man. Actual dating and marraige relationships can occur when the maladies are distributed between the genders in this way; that is, if the woman is the love addicted party, and the man is the love avoidant party. For me personally on the other hand, as the love addicted man pursuing the love avoidant woman, I have often been viewed as the obsessive weirdo/ stalker type / bad guy, and a dating relationship never takes place.
If it sounds as if I'm talking myself out of something again, maybe I am. I'll just say that the best thing I've ever taught myself to do in the face of such dilemmas is to have not only the willingness in theory to accept an outcome where myself and my designated love interest don't become boyfriend and girlfriend, but the proven ability to actually accept, and even embrace, that outcome, over, and over, and over again.
My last post talked about my dilemma with entitlement this way: if I follow the rules of courtship regarding issues such as not being underfoot all the time, not being so available, respecting the other person's boundaries and life, taking my time etc., and they still pull the rug out from under me, then that's a deal killer for me. Two examples of pulling the rug out from under me include: having some guy show up on the scene, and trying to make me jump through hoops.
Here's the difference between a sense of entitlement and how I describe my reactions to such avoidant behaviors from the other party as the one's I've mentioned in the previous paragraph. A guy who carries around a sense of entitlement would try to come off as super-nice and infinitely patient about such behaviors from the other party, whereas I acknowledge two things: 1) that there's only so much I am able to do on my end to bring these matters to a satisfactory conclusion, and, 2) that I have limits as to what I will put up with. The guy carrying around a sense of entitlement will try to come off as infinitely loving and patient in the face of such behaviors, things can drag out for a long time, the nice guy will start to feel a great deal of resentment at how the avoidant party treats him, and, oh, the fun that both parties may experience with this interactive dynamic in play. In contrast, the guy who sets limits and boundaries will cut such a person loose sooner rather than later. "Gee, Rich, how is it that you know so much about the inner workings of the nice guy, and how is it that you can chart out so thoroughly the way things can go wrong?" I leave it up to the reader to guess at that one.
About the avoidant type. Yep, women who are very, very attractive, come of as confident and well put together can totally end up engaging in avoidant behaviors with someone like me. From what little I've gleaned from looking stuff up, I can now kind of understand where such a type, the avoidant type, comes from with this kind of abusive behavior. As a child the avoidant type may have been treated by one of their parents as more of a friend the parent could lead on emotionally than as a child who needs to have a proper childhood that doesn't incur such a heavy emotional burden. I can see how a very attractive, confident acting child can inspire a needy parent to dump a lot of emotional baggage on him or her, because the good looks and confident demeanor of such a child can make such a parent feel that the child possesses a wisdom and insight beyond their years.
It's not that the avoidant type is just a whore, or slut, or player, or what have you. It's that any prospect of a love addicted type coming around can stir up two conflicting things. 1) that it's great to have someone who really needs them, 2) that having someone who really needs them can make them feel emotionally claustrophobic, and they will flake. Youtube videos will have these therapists go on at length about this toxic dynamic, but the only ones I've found address the dynamic between the love addicted woman and the love avoidant man. Actual dating and marraige relationships can occur when the maladies are distributed between the genders in this way; that is, if the woman is the love addicted party, and the man is the love avoidant party. For me personally on the other hand, as the love addicted man pursuing the love avoidant woman, I have often been viewed as the obsessive weirdo/ stalker type / bad guy, and a dating relationship never takes place.
If it sounds as if I'm talking myself out of something again, maybe I am. I'll just say that the best thing I've ever taught myself to do in the face of such dilemmas is to have not only the willingness in theory to accept an outcome where myself and my designated love interest don't become boyfriend and girlfriend, but the proven ability to actually accept, and even embrace, that outcome, over, and over, and over again.
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