A year or so goes by and she dates someone else, which I'm okay with, because unlike a lot of women I took an interest in over the years, she was never really someone I fixated on in an unhealthy way. I attributed it to the fact that I knew about her very serious flaws right off the bat and never really had a chance to idealize her and put her on a pedestal.
Anyway, Sept. 2012, she's single, I'm free as a bird as usual, so I thought that I'd ask her out on a dinner date and tell her of my feelings for her and try to "take it to the next level." I call her and she goes like, "Oh hi," in a real bored voice when I she finds out it's me.
I reevaluated my plan to take it to the next level when I think about her over the next few days. The girl that I counted as my girlfriend in life wanted to date a few short months after she initially rebuffed my advances. This girl, on the other hand, I'd known for years, and she never really expressed an interest in dating me seriously during that whole time.
Then I remembered what this girl had said about a painting of mine. The painting is a portrait of my mother as Medusa. The snakes that come out of my mother's head are all portraits of girls and women that I had problems with in my life. Some of the girls I represented had presented quite serious, painful problems for me in their day. So, on two separate occasions, many years apart, this girl had told me she would like to be added to this pantheon of women coming out of my mother's head.
That did it. No way was I going to open up my heart to someone who just came out and said that they wanted to be that to me. I never had an interest in dating her again.
The whole reason I'd kept her around for so long and put up with so much of her excesses is that I hoped to date her seriously and make her into the first girlfriend I'd had since a long time ago. The self-destruct button, put into words for the first time in my life: "I wasn't a loving enough man to woman A from my past, so I will try to make up for it in my romantic pursuit of woman B in my present." Oh my god, the problems that "silent assumption," a thought that I'd never put into words, caused me over the years.
In many instances, woman A from my past just did her best to make me crazy, and at any rate, it was never 100% my fault that the deal didn't work out, and therefore it was not in my power to take 100% responsibility for seeing that it worked out. Compound this with an attempt to project a ghost of someone from my past into someone in my present, and try to play to that, and well, need I say more?
This last time I tried to do this in 2012, I caught myself, and in the process managed to get both woman A and woman B off my back for good. I still couldn't get any play from women at that time, but nevertheless, that was a red letter day when I dismantled that self-destruct button.