Don't get me wrong, I make no apologies about how much I really do care for her, but I care for her so much that I found the ultimatum necessary. I said in my last post that whatever I give that expresses my feelings for her, I don't even think I can take such expressions back if I wanted to. The most I could do would involve some crude sabotage that would negate whatever more positive things I wanted to express, and I have no desire to engage in such reprehensible behavior now, and, in saying what I will say shortly, such acts of sabotage would prove as unnecessary as they prove reprehensible.
I said a couple of posts ago that she might find my paranoid speculations of where she came from all this time in regards to me upsetting, but I then followed with the observation that my almost total lack of meaningful access to her in the form of communication meant that, mental illness or not, anyone's imagination might run wild as to what really went on on her end this whole time.
And so it stands, and I will just say this: the reason I can't communicate with her in a meaningful way probably comes from the notion I have that she does not want me to have any meaningful access to her. I don't think at this point the reason I can't call her, write her, etc., comes from a reluctance on my part to do enough to make that happen. I think she does not want that at all.
I rolled out the red carpet for her when I told her about my comic book sale, and I saw her at her place of employment yesterday. I walked up to her and asked her a question related to her job, which she and a coworker with her promptly answered. But, she made no attempt to tell me why she couldn't take me up on my invitation to my show that I made in late October. I think I can pretty safely assume that she just didn't want to come, and therefore, she doesn't have any desire for me to have any meaningful access to her.
I don't want to go into the possible reasons for her lack of interest in engaging with me. I've said enough on the subject in many, many previous posts, and I don't really have any desire to attempt to embarrass her now. Right now I'm very comfortable with the idea of staying in my lane as far as the ways I go about patronizing her place of employment. I saw my approach to her yesterday as more of a reflection of my desire to stay in my lane than any desire to obsessively favor her with attention.