In the Winter and Spring of 1993 I convalesced from my major breakdown with my dad's family in Big Spring. I'd stayed at the hospital to undergo treatment for severe depression. The hospitalization in December followed my initial hospitalization for psychosis in August of 1992. After a few weeks at the state hospital in Big Spring, I was stable enough to stay with my dad at his house on the grounds of the hospital.
I still tried to put the pieces together as to what might have actually went on during that whole period that involved Jenna, Gil Wilson et al. I tried to call people long distance and talk about this stuff in terms and a context that wouldn't alarm them. One of these people was a guy I name "Suckmeat Muldoon" in those books that just sit there unloved and unbought at Austin Books (oh the glories of being an underground phenom).
Suckmeat recommended I check out a book by Thomas Pynchon titled "The Crying of Lot 49." He said that even the library in Big Spring should have it. The library had that one, and two other Pynchon books. One I'd read, "V," and one titled "Gravity's Rainbow." "Lot 49" was much shorter and more accessible than "Gravity's Rainbow," and for that reason I liked it much better of the two. Pointy headed intellectual types will get all lathered up about "Gravity's Rainbow," but I found so dense, I didn't bother to see if I could recheck it out as its due date came near. I finished well over half of it, maybe I'll finish it one day.
One of the two books had a quote, though. It went something along the lines of, "Proverbs for paranoids: true paranoids don't have paranoid thoughts, they find themselves in paranoid situations." This flew in the face of everything the medical community was trying to drive into my head about what I'd experienced the previous Summer, and this guy was a big time writer!
The idea that people in my day to day world might read this blog and don't ever directly allude to it when they interact with me is a very paranoid proposition indeed. I'm not talking about friends and family, more like employees at places such as restaurants and coffee shops and the like.
My last post talked about going the other way in my deal with the women in my world. I kind of think maybe two really attractive women saw things they liked in that one. It that's not true, no big deal. If it is, they know who they are. I thought some about trying to somehow get with one or both of these two. Later in the day though, I thought, "Nah, I'll just blow them off too."
The first several years of trying to improve my deal with women, starting in 2009, I would approach attractive young women, tentatively at first, then as I kept striking out, I would get so bold as to just ask them out on dates in front of God and everyone. Every time they would reject me, I always felt the need to prove what a great guy I was, and what I great guy I was about being rejected. Okay, we get it, I'm such a great guy about being rejected. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
As time wore on and some of the defenses from these women took on a more and more vicious turn, I started to recall quite fondly a time in my twenties where I remembered, "You know, there was one time in my adult life where I just refused to play any of this shit, I seemed to be so happy for that brief period." It was, you guessed it, that whole time I've talked about with Sara in posts that start with, "I'm not bad," in January of this year.
Think of it, I don't have to go around proving what a great guy I really really am to any of these women in my world, because I just don't even get started with any of them. If any one is tempted to try my approach, I suggest they try more orthodox means at first to improve things, because I can't say that my dance card is really full now, I just feel a lot better when I go about my day to day life.
I managed to put in twenty days on my book this month. Twenty days was my original goal. I've finished twenty-nine pages this month, including the cover. I'm up to page 42 now. Considering that I've been thinking about some really grandiose, important stuff all this month, I think its really good that my productivity is a lot better than it can be when I'm just hung up on some woman in my world.
I still tried to put the pieces together as to what might have actually went on during that whole period that involved Jenna, Gil Wilson et al. I tried to call people long distance and talk about this stuff in terms and a context that wouldn't alarm them. One of these people was a guy I name "Suckmeat Muldoon" in those books that just sit there unloved and unbought at Austin Books (oh the glories of being an underground phenom).
Suckmeat recommended I check out a book by Thomas Pynchon titled "The Crying of Lot 49." He said that even the library in Big Spring should have it. The library had that one, and two other Pynchon books. One I'd read, "V," and one titled "Gravity's Rainbow." "Lot 49" was much shorter and more accessible than "Gravity's Rainbow," and for that reason I liked it much better of the two. Pointy headed intellectual types will get all lathered up about "Gravity's Rainbow," but I found so dense, I didn't bother to see if I could recheck it out as its due date came near. I finished well over half of it, maybe I'll finish it one day.
One of the two books had a quote, though. It went something along the lines of, "Proverbs for paranoids: true paranoids don't have paranoid thoughts, they find themselves in paranoid situations." This flew in the face of everything the medical community was trying to drive into my head about what I'd experienced the previous Summer, and this guy was a big time writer!
The idea that people in my day to day world might read this blog and don't ever directly allude to it when they interact with me is a very paranoid proposition indeed. I'm not talking about friends and family, more like employees at places such as restaurants and coffee shops and the like.
My last post talked about going the other way in my deal with the women in my world. I kind of think maybe two really attractive women saw things they liked in that one. It that's not true, no big deal. If it is, they know who they are. I thought some about trying to somehow get with one or both of these two. Later in the day though, I thought, "Nah, I'll just blow them off too."
The first several years of trying to improve my deal with women, starting in 2009, I would approach attractive young women, tentatively at first, then as I kept striking out, I would get so bold as to just ask them out on dates in front of God and everyone. Every time they would reject me, I always felt the need to prove what a great guy I was, and what I great guy I was about being rejected. Okay, we get it, I'm such a great guy about being rejected. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
As time wore on and some of the defenses from these women took on a more and more vicious turn, I started to recall quite fondly a time in my twenties where I remembered, "You know, there was one time in my adult life where I just refused to play any of this shit, I seemed to be so happy for that brief period." It was, you guessed it, that whole time I've talked about with Sara in posts that start with, "I'm not bad," in January of this year.
Think of it, I don't have to go around proving what a great guy I really really am to any of these women in my world, because I just don't even get started with any of them. If any one is tempted to try my approach, I suggest they try more orthodox means at first to improve things, because I can't say that my dance card is really full now, I just feel a lot better when I go about my day to day life.
I managed to put in twenty days on my book this month. Twenty days was my original goal. I've finished twenty-nine pages this month, including the cover. I'm up to page 42 now. Considering that I've been thinking about some really grandiose, important stuff all this month, I think its really good that my productivity is a lot better than it can be when I'm just hung up on some woman in my world.
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