As I set about moving into my new apartment, it occurred to me that I'm calling the shots on this deal as much as she is. In fact, the actual truth of it might involve the idea that I'm calling the shots on this deal much, much more than she is. I think the huge difference in our ages can inherently create a gargantuan power imbalance between myself and this young woman. Now, I'm not Andrew Cuomo hitting on twenty-something years old subordinates for dates, but I think a power imbalance exists between myself and this young woman that can really rub up uncomfortably in a similar way with elements of Cuomo's deal with his subordinates.
Here's where I think the power imbalance exists in our deal. I can just write a few cutting remarks on this blog and do as much damage to her, if not much, much more, than just about anything she might do to hurt me. For example: she could decide to, ahem, go on tour with Gun's 'n Roses, document her debauched goings on with Axl, Slash, and the rest in still shots and videos, send them to my email every night, and I could do as much if not more harm to her with just a few hundred keystrokes on this blog. That's because anything she does of that nature, I could dismiss as a young person trying to figure things out and immaturely acting out, etc., while I could in turn just write some stuff about her that she will interpret as the absolute gospel truth, because even though I'm just a old crazy man who has only had sex eleven times in his entire life (true), I've still been around in life a whole lot more than she has, and therefore whatever I might say or do to hurt her in some way can potentially do so much more damage to her than just about anything she tries to do to hurt me that the laws of the land would allow.
Does this motivate me to take a chance on her and ask her out on a date at her place of employment sometime? No, because she might do some pretty fucked up things out of a sense of insecurity towards me in such a situation, which would really, really probably hurt me like hell, and I just don't want to take those kinds of chances with her with the kind of power dynamic in play that I've outlined in the above paragraphs.
Now, it will be a long, long time before a day goes by when I don't think of her at some point. These days, after two-plus years since she insinuated her essence in my psyche, the days that go by for the foreseeable future will probably contain lots and lots of thoughts of her. I talked to my friend Matt tonight. Matt told me the Posse East on San Jacinto and Duval will have open mike night on Tuesday nights again starting sometime in June. Show starts at @8:30, and I'm usually an early performer. We get to do four songs instead of the usual two at most open mikes, so anyone who comes out will see a bit more of a show from me.