What to do now? If my past experiences with women in the aftermath of these events provide any clue, I should really ask myself, "What do I NOT want to do now?" Well, first, don't try to rebound. Second, don't try to cash in. Third, don't try to find a love interest to take this young woman's place. All three of these interconnected impulses to try to improve upon the current situation I find myself in led to seriously horrible experiences every time I tried to make something happen with women after the previous four times this very thing pretty much happened.
One thing I could try to do is make comics about this last experience, but I don't think I will do that. I think this blog documents the experiences of these last five years pretty thoroughly, while at the same time guarding people's privacy, because I don't use people's names or likenesses, or other specifics like where exactly they work, for example. Plus, this blog documents my take on the events as they unfold before my eyes. That's something a series of comics documenting these experiences after the fact can't duplicate.
Again, I'll try to refrain from writing anything mean, hateful, or ugly about this young woman I write about on this blog, and in regards to her, I'll continue to try to give her credit where credit is due, but if my guesses prove correct about where exactly she positioned herself in regards to me these past several years, well, that's between her and her conscience to resolve.
Well, a LOT of women might now, at least, have an idea of the kinds of things I had to go through in my youth, all without the benefit of a diagnosis, medications of any kind, or the insights that those things plus the passage of a lot of time can bring. I'll just say this. Of all the experiences I had in my past that I try to draw on to resolve these conflicts, the one experience that proves most beneficial, HANDS DOWN, remains the experience I had with Sara in 1988. No doubt.
That experience, head and shoulders above the others, seems to prepare me the most, emotionally, for the realities I still, I suppose, continue to face regarding what, I guess, amounts to an unvarnished hatred of men by a LOT of women and how it manifests itself in a vicious, cowardly attempt to take down a man, any man, whom they consider vulnerable to such attacks and sufficiently guilty in whatever offense against womankind they judge him guilty of committing that justifies, in their hateful, vicious, resentful, vindictive, terrified, petty, little minds, such an attack in the first place.
When they start giving out Nobel Prizes for being total assholes in life, I will nominate these nameless legions of heroes for an award of one for the whole team of them en masse. I know what I said about trying to not be mean to anyone, but I think a distinction between a dialogue centered around HATE (them), and dialogue containing HEAT(me), must be made. I draw a LOT of heat. Agreed? Ima, Ima heat drawing, giant killing, phenom.
Oh, and another thing; I will not try any phony attempts at forgiveness of ANYONE in the foreseeable future. This is important. I will not try to forgive any young, attractive women, such as that young woman I can go on and on about on this blog, because I now, in the fullness of my years, see such attempts at forgiveness as not at all genuine forgiveness, but as attempts at super-niceness in the hope of getting some material rewards such as sex, companionship, and overall acceptance and approval from these same young, attractive women.
From what I can tell, actual forgiveness involves one letting go of one's pain in an attempt to get on with one's life. I think the token reward stickers I give myself at the end of the day for trying to get along with those in my world in a general sense possibly represent an actual attempt to forgive someone such as this young woman at this one business whom I can go on and on about at length on this blog. If I judge my efforts to pass muster, I will reward myself with a CD purchase from Amazon or Bear Family on the 15th and 1st of every month.