That flyer hit a nerve with me. At the time, I had very little confidence in joining such a group, because I'd submitted to the incompetent counseling of the therapist I was seeing at the time, and that incompetent counseling from that therapist contributed greatly to the trouble I found myself in with Wanda and our peers.
The therapist I saw emphasized that in situations that presented the man with a sexual opportunity with a woman, that the man sometimes had to FORCE the situation to a sexual conclusion. Now, in hindsight, I see where that kind of thing COULD count as appropriate counseling. For example, some years ago a friend of mine found himself in his bedroom with a girl he'd picked up while having drinks one afternoon. They were making out by the bed, the girl says something to the effect that she didn't want to do this right now, but my friend said that now was the perfect time, all like that. The girl related this story later, after she and my friend started dating due to this consummation of this deal.
Okay, so maybe words such as pressure and force to describe my friend cutting through the girl's girly bullshit to bring things to a head. Okay? Are we all adults here? Now, my therapist counseling me that the man sometimes has to FORCE the consummation of a date to sex went through my mind-grinding experience with Wanda, and quite a different result. I had already told my therapist about my time at that party, where Wanda came up and laughed in my face, twice. I didn't describe it as a psychotic episode, because I hadn't been diagnosed, so I didn't know it as that at the time. I then described how Wanda had appeared to take a romantic interest in me in the weeks and months after that party, because of my efforts to reconcile the conflict with Donna, the object of my obsession that culminated in the party where Wanda laughed in my face, twice.
So as things got underway with Wanda at the start of the Spring semester in 1987, this therapist thought that vying for a relationship with Wanda would be a great idea. But you know, sometimes a man has to force things at an opportune time, you know? I didn't tell the therapist that Wanda had a REAL boyfriend at the time she displayed such interest in me. I didn't tell him that, because I didn't snap to it until years later, and that came only after I put some pieces together and made some guesses that still only count as guesses. So yeah, crude sexual proposition etc., etc,. the rest is history.
So, delivering documents for my dad's office during the Spring of 1987, AFTER the incident where I made the crude sexual proposition to Wanda, I had no desire to try some other form of therapy to address whatever problems I found myself having at the time, but the idea that feeling emotionally accessible in the extreme while a love interest felt very, very inaccessible to me hit a nerve.
I felt very emotionally accessible to the point of feeling victimized the other day as I hung out in a coffee shop. I won't get into the specific exchange with the male barista that triggered this feeling. I'll just say that I took his remark out of context and applied it to my situation with that young woman at that business I can go on and on about. I felt extremely emotionally accessible, while, at this current time, I can't even talk to this young woman, and access to her still proves very limited and circumscribed.
I realized that this feeling I experienced does count ONLY as a feeling. Whatever reality exists between myself and this young woman who works at this one business might have little or nothing to do with how I felt at this time in the coffee shop the other night. What do I do about this feeling? I approached this young woman for social reasons two weeks ago at her place of employment, in a very bold yet humble manner, if that makes any sense. She did not show up to the comics show I invited her to, though. The invitation I extended to her constituted as much an attempt to draw up some boundaries that would allow me to go to places such as coffee shops and not feel psychologically harassed by people there or anywhere else as much as it constituted a sincere attempt to break the ice with her and see if she would actually come to something such as my comics show, if I invited her nicely.
As an attempt to draw up a boundary, it went off okay, but the idea that some person could make some remark to me at any time, and I still feel compelled to examine the remark in an out-of-context way, even after I totally served the ball successfully into this young woman's court, and it's up to her to return my serve or opt out; the idea that someone could wittingly or unwittingly get my goat, so easily, bothered me to the point where I kind of felt victimized. I don't like the idea of existing as an open book for those around me, and I don't imagine this young woman feels like an open book at all in regards to me, and I remember times in my youth that would cause me to lash out in some way at a love interest over this very thing.
So I came up with another solution. A solution in addition to my attempt to draw up a boundary by breaking the ice with her. I will give myself a token reward in the form of a sticker on my calendar at midnight every night if I'm nice, not only to this young woman in person, but to everyone else out there- the whole rest of the world, basically. I will give myself a token reward if I refrain from writing anything mean on this blog or writing anything on this blog this young woman could take the wrong way. Since I find her so inaccessible in the real world, it's not just about giving myself token rewards for those too few occasions I find myself actually around her, but the token rewards will encompass so many other situations as well.
Last Summer I gave myself three whole months away from this young woman to slow things down, take stock, and see if I could find a way through the impasse I found myself at in regards to her. Well, I did reach out to her in a little over a month after my return. So I will give myself until the beginning of February before I attempt to favor her with any more attention in the real world. If she still works at this business in February, fine, I will attempt to favor her with some attention sometime this coming February. Until then, I will just attempt to stay in my lane, so to speak, and not go out of my way to be around her at her job. Yeah, I will attempt to favor her with attention in February. Then again, maybe I won't. After all, I did serve the ball into her court pretty damn righteously, and if she can't find the wherewithal to return such a serve as I go about my business at her place of employment in the THREE WHOLE MONTHS I'm giving myself, I'll probably have all of the answers I need in regards to her actual availability and interest.
I mean, I used to try to DEMAND, in blog entries, that this young woman reach out to me in some meaningful way, because I did not feel at all comfortable with the idea of approaching her in the manner I wound up approaching her after almost THREE FULL YEARS after she fired a shot across my bow with her little flirty look in February of 2019. But approach her I did. I have no desire to undermine my righteous move towards her by chasing her to the ends of the Earth and back. I mean, ZERO desire to undermine any of my hard work on the life dilemmas that came up after she started in on me. So, my desire to see something from her as a demand really amounts to no demand at all, just a desire to follow the rules of dating as we in Western society generally agree upon them, and in following these rules, I understand that I no longer have ANY obligation to, what(?), break the ice with her, twice(?). Huh?