My last post talked about the love addicted/ love avoidant dynamic. When I finally let go of Jenna during the Summer of 1992, and in a matter of days found out that Sara was gay, the folly of my pursuit of both of these women really hit home. I remember feeling as if, from that point forward, I had absolutely zero obligations towards these types of women ever again. I mean, under no circumstances should I ever again feel the need to try and work things out with women such as Jenna and Sara. If anyone in the future ever, ever reminded me of these two-plus quite a few others- I had every right to just walk away, no apologies necessary to ANYONE.
Saying that to myself in the run-up to my grand mal nervous breakdown, and actually putting that promise to myself into action in the aftermath of all of that drama, when the dust had settled, and I'm feeling good again, well, actions speak louder than words. I had one more crash and burn episode in 1999. It seemed as if I'd learned nothing from the Big One and my subsequent mental illness diagnosis. The only thing I learned from that episode in 1999 was this: Even with a diagnosis, medication, therapy, and the support and understanding of friends and family, I could still crash and burn in the exact same way again. That whole episode was just a psychotic episode on medications that had no accompanying mania, voices, or "recovered memories."
Whelp, someone in my world now reminds me of Jenna, Sara, Veronica, Julie, Wanda, Linda, Myrna, Katy, why, i have the veritable pick of the litter by which to make comparisons between this woman now and those women from my past. I am rich, rich, rich with experiences to draw upon in making my decisions about this person. Rich, I tell you.
There is not one person in my world that I have thought about in the past six months, the past eight months, the past year or more, that I wish to pursue romantically at this time. NO ONE! If someone in my world wants me to pursue them romantically- and let me make myself perfectly clear, I'm not sure that ANYONE wants me to pursue them romantically these days- but if the person I've been writing about these past couple of months or so wants me to pursue them romantically at this point in time, I have this to say: no dice.
Now, one might think me harsh on this person, but I have this to say. Coming out and saying what I'm saying now might actually HELP in the chance that myself and this person could one day get together. Think about it, at least I'm honest about what I want and what I don't want. Now, in reality, my experiences have shown that if I don't sign on for a totally fucked-up, dysfunctional deal with a type that VIVIDLY reminds me of some of my most painful times with women, then no deal ever, ever takes place. In theory, an up front, open, honest approach might actually work, but in real life, it's either a bad deal or no deal at all. I choose no deal at all.
Saying that to myself in the run-up to my grand mal nervous breakdown, and actually putting that promise to myself into action in the aftermath of all of that drama, when the dust had settled, and I'm feeling good again, well, actions speak louder than words. I had one more crash and burn episode in 1999. It seemed as if I'd learned nothing from the Big One and my subsequent mental illness diagnosis. The only thing I learned from that episode in 1999 was this: Even with a diagnosis, medication, therapy, and the support and understanding of friends and family, I could still crash and burn in the exact same way again. That whole episode was just a psychotic episode on medications that had no accompanying mania, voices, or "recovered memories."
Whelp, someone in my world now reminds me of Jenna, Sara, Veronica, Julie, Wanda, Linda, Myrna, Katy, why, i have the veritable pick of the litter by which to make comparisons between this woman now and those women from my past. I am rich, rich, rich with experiences to draw upon in making my decisions about this person. Rich, I tell you.
There is not one person in my world that I have thought about in the past six months, the past eight months, the past year or more, that I wish to pursue romantically at this time. NO ONE! If someone in my world wants me to pursue them romantically- and let me make myself perfectly clear, I'm not sure that ANYONE wants me to pursue them romantically these days- but if the person I've been writing about these past couple of months or so wants me to pursue them romantically at this point in time, I have this to say: no dice.
Now, one might think me harsh on this person, but I have this to say. Coming out and saying what I'm saying now might actually HELP in the chance that myself and this person could one day get together. Think about it, at least I'm honest about what I want and what I don't want. Now, in reality, my experiences have shown that if I don't sign on for a totally fucked-up, dysfunctional deal with a type that VIVIDLY reminds me of some of my most painful times with women, then no deal ever, ever takes place. In theory, an up front, open, honest approach might actually work, but in real life, it's either a bad deal or no deal at all. I choose no deal at all.
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