When I crashed and burned in 1992 and received a pretty heavy diagnosis of a major mental illness, the main thing I thought would take away my emotional pain- extreme emotional pain- was to be in a romantic love relationship with a woman I considered desirable in all ways. Unfortunately, unlike cheeseburgers, beer, or cocaine, that kind of thing wasn't, and still isn't, easy for me to come by. I had to settle for going against the advice of the psychiatric and therapeutic professionals whose care I was under at the time and chill out in the hospital in Big Spring and stay with my dad for a few months. These professionals wanted me to keep my full-time factory job and severe all financial ties with my parents. They painted my parents as the villains of the piece. Their treatment plan might have proven lethal if I had sincerely tried to follow it through, because I might have made an attempt on my own life.
Ugh, enough of those assholes. I've received some kind of support from my family ever since, and I have recently come to the conclusion that blaming my parents or other members of my family for my failings in my relationship with women or other areas of my life does nothing to help me make intelligent decisions about women or those other areas of my life.
Back to the topic at hand: I crashed and burned in 1992 in a failed attempt to romantically connect with "Jenna," and the first thing I wanted to do when I hit bottom was go out there and get me a girlfriend. I remember earlier episodes of my life, such as the time with Veronica when pretty much the same thing happened, and how I had a great desire to be "successful" in some way to prove my worth to the world and to myself. After my failure with Veronica, I tried to work two jobs and go to school at the same time. That didn't last. After I failed to connect with "Anna" in 1986, I wanted to be an astronaut! At the end of 1987, I wanted to try out for an NFL team.
I think one sign that I'm doing a lot better in my relationship with women these past few years is that I'm attentive to the idea that it may not be a good idea to try to rebound after these disappointments with these unavailable women. Even in the best of times, women in general have been a real challenge for me.
I've thought about that these past few days. I've tried to focus instead on more achievable goals. Goals such as rehearsing for my upcoming performance. Music practice in general. Working on my comic book. Staying sober. Taking my psych med as prescribed.
I've had this problem with vertigo this past week. I've had problems with it before these past few years, and I'm hoping that it will go away without treatment. That and the psych med have combined to kick my ass, but I'm doing pretty good. I will at least have my set memorized and rehearsed before the gig during the week of South by Southwest. My book chugs along at it's usual pace. I don't know if I will be able to maintain the consistent production schedule for the long term, but I haven't had any trouble with working on it this past month, and I see no problems with working on it in the foreseeable future.
I like to think that at least some people in my everyday world read what I write here. If that's true, then there might be a fair number of attractive women who are kind of with me on a lot of what I say. They, for what I can tell, are not necessarily available or interested for me to date, but they might be with me otherwise. The last thing I want to do is to undermine this sentiment they may possess about me by trying to make any of them into my girlfriend. I think that desire to just leave well enough alone on my part is a sign that 1) I'm negotiating my way through the unavailable women "straits" better and, 2) That I've got a more realistic concept of what constitutes success when I have to negotiate those treacherous waters.
Whether any of this translates to career success in the arts and entertainment fields remains to be seen, but at least I can reliably say I won't have to count on crash and burn episodes every year or year and a half or so, and then try to pull myself up from that abyss every single time, and then go out and try try again, only to have it happen all over again.