I've told so many stories about the bad deals with women I've found myself in I won't even bother to tell some of these stories again. I just want to say this: If the apotheosis of romantic love for me comes in the form of a twenty-something year old girl letting me know in some way that my best is not good enough, then I'm out. I don't want love, I want something else. So many bad deals I've found myself in involved just this sort of thing. The funny thing about it is, even when my game with these types of women markedly improved, as it did with Sara in 1988, these types still seemed to try to make me feel as if my best was not good enough for them.
I came from a family where all members, parents, children, all of us, were very critical and judgmental of each other. As the youngest, I proved no exception, and I could say very mean things to my siblings and my parents about their appearance, or their intelligence, or their efforts at being creative, or what have you. Couple this with the fact that we did not typically engage in displays of affection such as hugging each other, or saying, "I love you," or even simple praise for any achievement, etc., well, others knowing that this represented our family functioning might find the whole deal pretty sucky.
As a result, I now believe, my often quixotic pursuit of very attractive twenty-something year old women smacks of an aspirational pursuit for acceptance and approval by those around me and the society at large. The obsessive mindset I often find myself in regarding such women, without consciously putting it into words, of course, revealed a belief that my ability to "win" the affections and love of such a very attractive young woman would make me criticism-proof and lead to bigger and better things for me in life. I feel pretty sure about that on this day of Our Lord, Friday, August 27, 2021.
If I ever again find myself in a circumstance where I attempted to carry a torch on the supposed behalf of some very attractive, twenty-something year old girl, I think that would say a lot more about me and my shortcomings than any shortcomings of character I might perceive such a young woman to have. I think my pursuit of often very, very attractive young women really set me up for harsh judgement by them, because, if there's one thing I've learned about very, very attractive young women, it's that they can be very judgmental and unforgiving of a suitor's perceived shortcomings.
So the vicious cycle of harsh judgement and criticism I first experienced in some way or other from every single member of my family in my youth and well into my adulthood just continues on with the harsh, unforgiving judgment and criticism of me at the hands of very, very attractive young women. I think any further attempts to carry a torch on such an individual's behalf, supposedly, now or in the future, would just set me up for another fall.
I came from a family where all members, parents, children, all of us, were very critical and judgmental of each other. As the youngest, I proved no exception, and I could say very mean things to my siblings and my parents about their appearance, or their intelligence, or their efforts at being creative, or what have you. Couple this with the fact that we did not typically engage in displays of affection such as hugging each other, or saying, "I love you," or even simple praise for any achievement, etc., well, others knowing that this represented our family functioning might find the whole deal pretty sucky.
As a result, I now believe, my often quixotic pursuit of very attractive twenty-something year old women smacks of an aspirational pursuit for acceptance and approval by those around me and the society at large. The obsessive mindset I often find myself in regarding such women, without consciously putting it into words, of course, revealed a belief that my ability to "win" the affections and love of such a very attractive young woman would make me criticism-proof and lead to bigger and better things for me in life. I feel pretty sure about that on this day of Our Lord, Friday, August 27, 2021.
If I ever again find myself in a circumstance where I attempted to carry a torch on the supposed behalf of some very attractive, twenty-something year old girl, I think that would say a lot more about me and my shortcomings than any shortcomings of character I might perceive such a young woman to have. I think my pursuit of often very, very attractive young women really set me up for harsh judgement by them, because, if there's one thing I've learned about very, very attractive young women, it's that they can be very judgmental and unforgiving of a suitor's perceived shortcomings.
So the vicious cycle of harsh judgement and criticism I first experienced in some way or other from every single member of my family in my youth and well into my adulthood just continues on with the harsh, unforgiving judgment and criticism of me at the hands of very, very attractive young women. I think any further attempts to carry a torch on such an individual's behalf, supposedly, now or in the future, would just set me up for another fall.
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