The other day I had dinner with family members. One of my female relatives said, "...take advantage of..." in reference to something, maybe the fact that we were all together for a family photo. But, let's play my favorite game, and take this phrase out of context and apply it to some personal issue of mine. Nothing but entertainment on this blog, folks.
Suppose I apply it to my deal with the Invisible Woman. When last we left that situation, I felt that I had resolved the conflict of a possibly induced fixation on a female A-list celebrity, a very attractive young woman; I felt that I had resolved the dilemma to my complete satisfaction. For those who feel as if they've walked into the middle of a movie without knowing anything about it, read the very first post from this year (January 1st) and go from there.
Okay, while my foot is in this other world, let's go further. What if the Invisible Woman were to manifest herself somewhere in my world? What if she wanted to be friends with me? Should I forgive her and allow that to happen? Should I "...take advantage of..." this opportunity in the hope that good things could come my way.
Understand this: I only have my own personal history as a frame of reference to draw on. If I were to go by my own personal history of when I attempted to forgive women who tried to hurt me very badly, or succeeded in hurting me very badly, in the hopes that good things would come my way if I did so, the answer would be an emphatic "NO!"
I can cite chapter and verse where things did not turn out well when I tried to do that. In 1985 "Katy" basically came away with the impression that I had tried to rape her after a date that was an attempt to make up for what I'd perceived to be a lost opportunity with her. I apologized to her a couple days later and assumed the full responsibility for how things shook out that night, but she remained so freaked out, and I guess that when she saw me later, she assumed my wild-eyed look meant no real remorse (it actually meant that I'd met someone else a few days after Katy and I's date), that I basically had to demonstrate a willingness to physically defend my honor to some male friends of her's in the Fall of 1986.
Then there was Wanda in 1987. Briefly, she did something very hurtful to me in 1986, then, because of one of my damnable "transcendent moments," she decided to take some kind of interest in me. I still wonder about the nature of her interest in me to this day, but I do know, for sure, that my crude sexual proposition to her in her car in February 1987 did nothing to resolve my inner conflicts and, for sure, only made matters worse.
The next transcendent moment came with Tarashula in December 1988. Tarashula had done something very hurtful to me in the Summer of 1988, however, I was so determined to stay away from Sara (See "I"m not bad" from January 2016 for the main story of Sara), that I made it about Tarashula, even to the extent of blocking out the fact that Tarashula had a serious boyfriend.
The next notable thing that happened after my transcendent moment with Tarashula involved that time I waved an axe around near her house in West Austin. It was on my Mom's property, and Tarashula's house wasn't even visible to me, it was at least a block away, but I guess that maybe there was a neighborhood watch in effect, and that maybe she found out. So, what was meant to be gesture that would only have meaning to me became something else altogether.
Which brings us to the Invisible Woman. Should I try to forgive her if she were to show up in my world, and I thought that was what she wanted? First, what do we mean by "forgive?" I think that forgiving such a person in an effort to bring her into my life would not constitute actual forgiveness. I think that I would forgive her in hopes getting things such as love, sex, companionship, and overall acceptance by one of the Beautiful People, and that is just a formula for disaster.
Forgiveness in the hope of getting such things in return smacks of an unrealistic sense of entitlement on my part. Perhaps this is a big reason why such seemingly magnanimous gestures by me in the past weren't so magnanimous after all. I did not forgive women such as Katy and Wanda to the extent that I thought I did, and it turned out that a great deal of anger and resentment lay just beneath my surface of supposed generosity.
Again, the most useful template for how I most successfully dealt with abusive young women remains my experience with Sara, hands down. From beginning to middle to end, I did it all just right. I commented to Vernon Hoe several years ago in reference to my dealings with the Virgin Girl, that the only way I could have improved how I treated and dealt with Sara would have been to cut her loose sooner, if given another chance to do so, which I pretty much did with the Virgin Girl.
I think the best thing I could do, if confronted with that kind of "opportunity" from the Invisible Woman, would be to let her know that I did not care to associate with her at all. I think that I would love her and respect her so much more if I put my foot down and let her know that she will never have the opportunity to behave towards me in the hurtful manner that at least a part of me believes that she attempted; not if I have any thing to say about it, at least. Realize this: if I actually met this person, and this person were to let me know there was more of meeting her where that came from, that there is no way I could accept that circumstance as coincidence. I could not help but tie what went down earlier this year with such an encounter, no way I couldn't. I had doubts about the reality of my doubts about Sara as well, so that wouldn't even constitute a new wrinkle.
What if she were to try to win me over? Again, any attempt to win me over from my above stated position would show a definite lack of respect for me and my wishes-if my own experiences in trying to win individual woman over are any indicator. If her friends are anything like her, I don't want to know them either. If the Invisible Woman loves and respects me at all, she will heed this post, and just leave me alone.
Oh well, another dispatch from LaLa Land. Sue me.
Suppose I apply it to my deal with the Invisible Woman. When last we left that situation, I felt that I had resolved the conflict of a possibly induced fixation on a female A-list celebrity, a very attractive young woman; I felt that I had resolved the dilemma to my complete satisfaction. For those who feel as if they've walked into the middle of a movie without knowing anything about it, read the very first post from this year (January 1st) and go from there.
Okay, while my foot is in this other world, let's go further. What if the Invisible Woman were to manifest herself somewhere in my world? What if she wanted to be friends with me? Should I forgive her and allow that to happen? Should I "...take advantage of..." this opportunity in the hope that good things could come my way.
Understand this: I only have my own personal history as a frame of reference to draw on. If I were to go by my own personal history of when I attempted to forgive women who tried to hurt me very badly, or succeeded in hurting me very badly, in the hopes that good things would come my way if I did so, the answer would be an emphatic "NO!"
I can cite chapter and verse where things did not turn out well when I tried to do that. In 1985 "Katy" basically came away with the impression that I had tried to rape her after a date that was an attempt to make up for what I'd perceived to be a lost opportunity with her. I apologized to her a couple days later and assumed the full responsibility for how things shook out that night, but she remained so freaked out, and I guess that when she saw me later, she assumed my wild-eyed look meant no real remorse (it actually meant that I'd met someone else a few days after Katy and I's date), that I basically had to demonstrate a willingness to physically defend my honor to some male friends of her's in the Fall of 1986.
Then there was Wanda in 1987. Briefly, she did something very hurtful to me in 1986, then, because of one of my damnable "transcendent moments," she decided to take some kind of interest in me. I still wonder about the nature of her interest in me to this day, but I do know, for sure, that my crude sexual proposition to her in her car in February 1987 did nothing to resolve my inner conflicts and, for sure, only made matters worse.
The next transcendent moment came with Tarashula in December 1988. Tarashula had done something very hurtful to me in the Summer of 1988, however, I was so determined to stay away from Sara (See "I"m not bad" from January 2016 for the main story of Sara), that I made it about Tarashula, even to the extent of blocking out the fact that Tarashula had a serious boyfriend.
The next notable thing that happened after my transcendent moment with Tarashula involved that time I waved an axe around near her house in West Austin. It was on my Mom's property, and Tarashula's house wasn't even visible to me, it was at least a block away, but I guess that maybe there was a neighborhood watch in effect, and that maybe she found out. So, what was meant to be gesture that would only have meaning to me became something else altogether.
Which brings us to the Invisible Woman. Should I try to forgive her if she were to show up in my world, and I thought that was what she wanted? First, what do we mean by "forgive?" I think that forgiving such a person in an effort to bring her into my life would not constitute actual forgiveness. I think that I would forgive her in hopes getting things such as love, sex, companionship, and overall acceptance by one of the Beautiful People, and that is just a formula for disaster.
Forgiveness in the hope of getting such things in return smacks of an unrealistic sense of entitlement on my part. Perhaps this is a big reason why such seemingly magnanimous gestures by me in the past weren't so magnanimous after all. I did not forgive women such as Katy and Wanda to the extent that I thought I did, and it turned out that a great deal of anger and resentment lay just beneath my surface of supposed generosity.
Again, the most useful template for how I most successfully dealt with abusive young women remains my experience with Sara, hands down. From beginning to middle to end, I did it all just right. I commented to Vernon Hoe several years ago in reference to my dealings with the Virgin Girl, that the only way I could have improved how I treated and dealt with Sara would have been to cut her loose sooner, if given another chance to do so, which I pretty much did with the Virgin Girl.
I think the best thing I could do, if confronted with that kind of "opportunity" from the Invisible Woman, would be to let her know that I did not care to associate with her at all. I think that I would love her and respect her so much more if I put my foot down and let her know that she will never have the opportunity to behave towards me in the hurtful manner that at least a part of me believes that she attempted; not if I have any thing to say about it, at least. Realize this: if I actually met this person, and this person were to let me know there was more of meeting her where that came from, that there is no way I could accept that circumstance as coincidence. I could not help but tie what went down earlier this year with such an encounter, no way I couldn't. I had doubts about the reality of my doubts about Sara as well, so that wouldn't even constitute a new wrinkle.
What if she were to try to win me over? Again, any attempt to win me over from my above stated position would show a definite lack of respect for me and my wishes-if my own experiences in trying to win individual woman over are any indicator. If her friends are anything like her, I don't want to know them either. If the Invisible Woman loves and respects me at all, she will heed this post, and just leave me alone.
Oh well, another dispatch from LaLa Land. Sue me.
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