So, if I didn't allow myself the chance to try to take things further, what should I do? Should I go the other way with this deal? How would that manifest itself? Would it make me a bad person if I denied her my love? Would I seal my doom to a life of unfulfilled desires?
So I took the plunge and went the other way. I avoided interacting with her when I saw her in these past few days. Now, this next part is critical; I have learned to just take a course of action such as blowing someone such as her off, and then come up with very good reasons for doing so only AFTER I take such a course of action.
So here goes: Often times in my past, when I would try to take full advantage of such a perceived opportunity, I would draw the ire of those around myself and the object of my desire, as well as the ire of the object of my desire her own bad self. All of these parties seemed to strongly object to what they saw as me going way too far in response to what seemed to all concerned, excluding myself, as pretty minor, inconsequential flirtations by the young woman in question.
I guess a lot of men have an unconscious filter that allows them to go about their business and not get too caught up in that kind of flirtation bullshit. And, one could measure the extent of my desperation by how seriously I would take such flirtations. I guess I am someone who had to construct a filter out of whole cloth using cruel example, my wits, and the guidance of books such as Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. I think the extent and progression of my recovery from love addiction shows up in how each successive episode I talk about on this blog often seems to find resolution more quickly and more easily that the episodes that preceded it.
I'm fifty-four years old, so a lot of people out there might consider all of this progress irrelevant in some way- like I'd be better off just planting a vegetable garden in my backyard and concentrating on something like that. I think about that sometimes. But, I'm not talking about stuff that happened in 1986 and never anytime afterwards. On this one I'm only going as far back as last week. A lot of men around my age with a mental illness diagnosis similar or identical to mine make the news because they think they have something going on with some young, prominent, very attractive actress, singer, or model, so no, I don't think my age makes my progress on these issues irrelevant.