Saturday night I went out to see some bands. It was a show where some of the bands featured people I know. Last month I speculated about how I might have an internet presence I don't know about. I suspected at least three women in this scene of knowing of this supposed presence, and these three women were at this club last night. I saw one talking to a good male friend at one point, and I walked near them with thoughts of approaching them, but I stopped myself before going up to talk to these two. I just didn't want to come across as some great guy about what a significant part of me thinks might be going on with this internet presence. I thought that it would come off as so manipulative, and it would come off as so manipulative that this woman would call bullshit on it and react accordingly. I didn't try to talk to any of these women Saturday night.
I'm going to keep this in mind as I go about my daily routine in these businesses. The attractive young women at these businesses whom I suspect of being in on this conspiracy have to interact with me to some extent some of the time. I don't want to find myself trying to buddy up to these women either. I imagine all of these women, in both worlds, might be familiar with female friends, or male friends for that matter, who have tried to almost coerce someone who has been a total asshole to them with this "niceness" in hopes of getting the offending parties to love them back. I hope I didn't confuse anyone with overly vague pronoun usage. I mean, this tendency to be the "nice guy" about someone who treats him or her shabbily can crop up in both men and women. I almost think that these women are so familiar with this sort of thing, that they may even be for me in that they don't want me to succumb to this impulse.
I think it's pretty healthy that I'm not really trying for meaningful engagement with women now. After my initial hospitalization in August of 1992, ALL I wanted was to finally get a girlfriend and be in a relationship. This desire dogged me as the pendulum swung from the extreme psychosis that led to my first hospitalization to the extreme depression that led to my second hospitalization. It took me months to stabilize enough to return to Austin and try to live on my own. I still clung to the desperate hope that I would "get" a girlfriend soon enough, that I became overjoyed when I heard that a woman I'd had a few dates with in New York when I went to school there a couple of years earlier had moved to Austin. I literally saw her as my salvation. Well, there were reasons we didn't connect in New York, either.
I guess this time, right now, might represent a real payoff for all of these years where I really worked on being by myself. I worked so hard at this that I quit smoking, drinking, and drugs in the process. By the way, the overall vibe I get from the women in my world is really nice right now, at least it was today.
I'm going to keep this in mind as I go about my daily routine in these businesses. The attractive young women at these businesses whom I suspect of being in on this conspiracy have to interact with me to some extent some of the time. I don't want to find myself trying to buddy up to these women either. I imagine all of these women, in both worlds, might be familiar with female friends, or male friends for that matter, who have tried to almost coerce someone who has been a total asshole to them with this "niceness" in hopes of getting the offending parties to love them back. I hope I didn't confuse anyone with overly vague pronoun usage. I mean, this tendency to be the "nice guy" about someone who treats him or her shabbily can crop up in both men and women. I almost think that these women are so familiar with this sort of thing, that they may even be for me in that they don't want me to succumb to this impulse.
I think it's pretty healthy that I'm not really trying for meaningful engagement with women now. After my initial hospitalization in August of 1992, ALL I wanted was to finally get a girlfriend and be in a relationship. This desire dogged me as the pendulum swung from the extreme psychosis that led to my first hospitalization to the extreme depression that led to my second hospitalization. It took me months to stabilize enough to return to Austin and try to live on my own. I still clung to the desperate hope that I would "get" a girlfriend soon enough, that I became overjoyed when I heard that a woman I'd had a few dates with in New York when I went to school there a couple of years earlier had moved to Austin. I literally saw her as my salvation. Well, there were reasons we didn't connect in New York, either.
I guess this time, right now, might represent a real payoff for all of these years where I really worked on being by myself. I worked so hard at this that I quit smoking, drinking, and drugs in the process. By the way, the overall vibe I get from the women in my world is really nice right now, at least it was today.
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