My last post brought up the notion that, once again, I managed to fall in love with the wrong person these past several years. Of course, I still have some thoughts of getting with this person someway, somehow in the foreseeable future, but my prevailing thoughts involve the realization that these past several years really saw me manage what amounts to a key element of my mental illness. So, on the one hand I cared for this person a great deal and wanted more than anything a resolution we could both live with, whether that outcome involved getting together with this person or not, but on the other hand, I've been down this same road so many times by now, I saw the whole process with a detached, almost clinical eye. So yeah, on the one hand, I experienced the stuff of poems and songs and whatnot, but on the other hand, I tried to manage this situation much in the same way as someone would manage their diabetes or high blood pressure. For me that mainly involved questioning automatic, long held assumptions about what a good person would do in such a situation, and whether or not efforts to create a manageable distance between myself and this person would make me into some bad person I could no longer recognize. I think my one big try at reaching out to her put all of those apprehensions I and others might have had about whether my efforts to achieve a separation of identity between myself and this girl...I think I did alright by her and by me both, and I'm satisfied that I did all I could. So yeah, for me, I see situations that arise of this nature more along the lines of managing a chronic illness such as diabetes or high blood pressure than as some great opportunity to, at long last, find true, everlasting love.
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