I've talked about a friend I've distanced myself these last few years. He's had a lot of girlfriends and experience and all of that. My overall lack of experience and my belief that I'm a better person than him often tempts me to tell myself that I deserve the love and attention from women that seems to come much easier for him much more than he does.
In 2012 I called a female friend to ask her for a date. I adored her, and we had been intimate one night many years earlier. At the time I called her in 2012 I wanted to take her out and tell her how I felt about her in hopes of taking our deal to the next level. I call, she answers, I tell her who it is, and she says, "Oh, hi," in a tone of voice that betrayed a total lack of enthusiasm that it was me calling her.
After I got off the phone with her, I decided to reevaluate this whole "next level" business. I remembered a time in the Summer of 2011 where she said that she would like to be remembered as a major problem for me in reference to a painting that portrayed such women from my past. It was a picture of my mother as Medusa. The snakes coming out of her head represented women that I had problems with to some degree or other. Anyway, this girl I wanted to take to the next level expressed a desire to have her likeness added to the painting of the snake women. One can see the painting on my "Art" page on this site. After I remembered this remark by her, I never had the desire to take anything to the next level with this woman ever again. In 2013 she eventually moved on to someone else.
My point is, once upon a time, when some woman expressed that she was tired of me calling her by how she greeted me when I called, I would disregard this feedback and try to press on. I think the belief that I deserved this person's love fueled this tendency to try to overcome this resistance.
Now, my scoundrel of a friend would typically not ignore this type of feedback, and if he didn't just immediately back off, he would move onto greener pastures, because someone else would usually come along. So my belief that I deserved to be loved more than someone I knew to be a bit of a slimeball would typically not amount much success for me. Not only that, if I would insist on pressing forward against all odds, I could set myself up for a real crash and burn psychotic episode.
I'm writing this in part because, these past several years, I've not really had anything nice to say about this friend I've distanced myself from. I'm just trying to say there's reasons he's had a easier time getting girlfriends and all of that other than he's just had lucky breaks that I haven't had. He's real goodlooking and he has a high prestige job and he doesn't have any mental health deal to the extent that I have, but he also had more of an ability and willingness to let go of something that wasn't working for him initially than I had.
I also want to take this opportunity to say this about the unavailable woman deal that I found myself in earlier this year: I couldn't have handled my deal with the Invisible Woman better if I had a hundred more chances to do so. Whatever entity I was dealing with on the other end; whether it was all in my head or there was something really going that involved this A-list celebrity to a greater or lesser extent, I definitely brought my A-game to the table.
I have no regrets about posts where I said that I cared for the Invisible Woman a great deal, but I also stand by the post from June where I say, if any of this is for real, that this person has some sort of emptiness inside of her that compels her to try and shit on someone she considers both a bad person and vulnerable to being shat on by her. If there is anything to this for real. the Invisible Woman and her cohorts were nothing but a bunch cowards who probably thought they were going to have such an easy time of it fucking me over in a major way. People like this always feel like they'll have an easy time of it with me.
In 2012 I called a female friend to ask her for a date. I adored her, and we had been intimate one night many years earlier. At the time I called her in 2012 I wanted to take her out and tell her how I felt about her in hopes of taking our deal to the next level. I call, she answers, I tell her who it is, and she says, "Oh, hi," in a tone of voice that betrayed a total lack of enthusiasm that it was me calling her.
After I got off the phone with her, I decided to reevaluate this whole "next level" business. I remembered a time in the Summer of 2011 where she said that she would like to be remembered as a major problem for me in reference to a painting that portrayed such women from my past. It was a picture of my mother as Medusa. The snakes coming out of her head represented women that I had problems with to some degree or other. Anyway, this girl I wanted to take to the next level expressed a desire to have her likeness added to the painting of the snake women. One can see the painting on my "Art" page on this site. After I remembered this remark by her, I never had the desire to take anything to the next level with this woman ever again. In 2013 she eventually moved on to someone else.
My point is, once upon a time, when some woman expressed that she was tired of me calling her by how she greeted me when I called, I would disregard this feedback and try to press on. I think the belief that I deserved this person's love fueled this tendency to try to overcome this resistance.
Now, my scoundrel of a friend would typically not ignore this type of feedback, and if he didn't just immediately back off, he would move onto greener pastures, because someone else would usually come along. So my belief that I deserved to be loved more than someone I knew to be a bit of a slimeball would typically not amount much success for me. Not only that, if I would insist on pressing forward against all odds, I could set myself up for a real crash and burn psychotic episode.
I'm writing this in part because, these past several years, I've not really had anything nice to say about this friend I've distanced myself from. I'm just trying to say there's reasons he's had a easier time getting girlfriends and all of that other than he's just had lucky breaks that I haven't had. He's real goodlooking and he has a high prestige job and he doesn't have any mental health deal to the extent that I have, but he also had more of an ability and willingness to let go of something that wasn't working for him initially than I had.
I also want to take this opportunity to say this about the unavailable woman deal that I found myself in earlier this year: I couldn't have handled my deal with the Invisible Woman better if I had a hundred more chances to do so. Whatever entity I was dealing with on the other end; whether it was all in my head or there was something really going that involved this A-list celebrity to a greater or lesser extent, I definitely brought my A-game to the table.
I have no regrets about posts where I said that I cared for the Invisible Woman a great deal, but I also stand by the post from June where I say, if any of this is for real, that this person has some sort of emptiness inside of her that compels her to try and shit on someone she considers both a bad person and vulnerable to being shat on by her. If there is anything to this for real. the Invisible Woman and her cohorts were nothing but a bunch cowards who probably thought they were going to have such an easy time of it fucking me over in a major way. People like this always feel like they'll have an easy time of it with me.
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